I had an affair

[1millionx]

I am scared to post this.

I had an affair with my colleague. It lasted a few months then my partner found out. Our relationship ended quite quickly and I asked to be bought out, and started living half the week with my mum, until an incident between us meant I felt I couldn't go home at all. I then moved in with my mum permanently and I'm still there waiting to move into my new house.

We have two young children and had a house together, and i had never considered the option of leaving before the affair. Because on the face of it leaving wouldn't have made sense because we had so many life boxes ticked off. But for years it had told myself 'you can't have it all and you can be happy enough'.

I have always been a very emotional person. I have tried in various ways to communicate with him over the years that I need him to be emotionally available but he just isn't. I realised when I was pregnant with our second that it was never going to happen and I would never have this kind of relationship with him, one that I can only describe as craving so badly.

He has never been 'my person' because that's not a level we've ever met on. We've always been close friends but I just couldn't really go to him for a deeper level of support. He knew this and it never seemed to bother him. To the point I now wonder do I ask too much because I'm questioning everything about myself. We've never had blazing rows and then done the big makeup after. We argue then it gets glossed over because in the background I do all the emotional recovery on my own. I don't think he's ever really understood that. I never saw him as someone I could rely on emotionally because he just doesn't have the maturity or skill set to hold space for deep communication.

Anyway it doesn't matter now because we aren't together anymore. It's just that there is this huge void left. It all feels so unaddressed. He says he's devastated but he's focused on moving forward, and that seems to be coming easily to him. I am a mess most days. I miss him.

I feel horrific guilt for breaking his trust. I want to work on things, starting with addressing my own behaviour because it was me who completely ruined our relationship. That was a choice I made and it was absolutely wrong. I don't know if I can be in a relationship with him (not that I have a choice I don't think, and rightly so). Unless he could work on himself too. But I still have this probably unrealistic hope that he might turn round and say 'I want to work on our relationship and I don't want to lose you'. Instead I feel like he's just let me go. He says he can't trust me which I completely get. Of course he can't.

I think initially he did want to work on us, but when I asked what this would look like, it felt like he wanted me to do all the work and couldn't really answer what he would bring to the reconciliation. I selfishly wanted him to say he’d start trying harder to be there for me more. And in my gut I knew I couldn’t stay if it meant there wouldn’t be change.

The affair started because I think I had basically given up altogether. I no longer communicated about feelings, because I knew it would amount to nothing, and I was still breastfeeding our 1 year old and was exhausted. The affair gave me a lot of emotional validation and I'll be honest I have never felt safety like it. It felt like someone was carrying the weight of the world for me and I could breathe. I felt so looked after. I still see the affair partner daily through work though I have ended the affair. I don't want to be with him. And I'm aware that if there was ever a future for me and my ex I would need to change jobs.

I know that I will never ever hurt anyone ever again. But I will also never be in a relationship again where my needs are unmet because I end up feeling too vulnerable myself (this will probably sound rich considering).

I have some days where I just can't cope with myself for what I did. I am getting counselling. I don't really know what I'm writing this for, other than perspective maybe. I want my ex to be happy though. I want that for us both however it looks. And I want to be a better person for the rest of my life. I wish so much now that I had ended our relationship in the hope that maybe a separation would have kickstarted a positive change in us. I didn’t know how to do that at the time. I am gutted beyond words that I have probably prevented that from ever happening. My god I do miss him and I miss our friendship so much.

Thanks for reading and please be gentle because I can assure you there's no one that can beat me up more than I'm beating up myself x

No it's not - it's defensive, but Remorse takes time and self examination to evolve. The OP is (hopefully) on the start of that journey.

There's been a long cycle of rejection/loneliness/blame culminating in the ultimate rejection in this relationship (by the sounds of it) and so there is a lot of hurt to work through on both sides.

I think defensiveness is someone trying to survive in the only way they know how for now.

I think you're correct to point out that OP was probably not taught deep empathy but that's not very unusual in itself as many have had less than ideal childhoods.

OP - This doesn't make you hopeless at all. I think your feelings of guilt and sadness are a sign you have the ability to change. Looking up the links I posted earlier will really guide you much better than further interacting on here.

A good expert to start with would be Lundy Bancroft, who is pretty much THE name when it comes to counselling programmes for abusers and who is quite clear that the percentage who change is low. Yes, it’s worth a try, and yes, if they really want to change it’s possible, but Bancroft knows better than almost anyone that most abusers, even the ones in programmes, have errors of thinking that lead them to try to place blame for their actions on their victims… and are therefore unlikely to sustain lasting change.

Im away to shave my devil horns and stick my forked tail in my pants and head off to work. Have a lovely day ladies xx

Gosh it’s amazing how fast you’ve gone from wringing your hands to breezy sarcasm. I think if anyone is wondering about your true level of remorse, this is quite telling.

Of course it is true that it is difficult to change and people need to want to put in long consistent effort to reprogram their thinking and change their environment.

I am guessing that the OP deep down wants to have an emotionally intimate relationship or else she wouldn't have had an affair. Which doesn't work and deeply disrespected the person she initially chose to marry.

Now she has a void. She's ended up with no relationship and she still wants a satisfying one.

This drive is what can provide the motivation needed to change.

Her ex partner is under no obligation to give her a chance and as I have stated the heavy lifting is on her.

No it was never made in the spirit of kindness, I never pretended it was; and your comment to me wasn’t in the spirit of kindness either, so what’s your point you don’t get to call out other people for doing what you are doing. And now you’re keeping it going. Move on I’m not going to respond to you again, if you’d been nothing but kind you’d have a point, but pot and kettle springs to mind,

You see all the not-so-good stuff on here on the relationships board, because that’s why people post. Because they need advice or a rant or support.
There are loads of people in happy relationships where both people actually love/adore each other. Otherwise they wouldn’t bother being in them and would be happier single. Of course there are more complex situations where people are stuck and can’t see a way forward but they are not the norm.

Yes we all know this, many of us are in happy relationships, and as we know this we also know to be in a happy relationship takes work, collaboration, compromise, personal responsibility, caring for the other person, trust, liking the other person. Someone who will shag about when breastfeeding, and likely her husband doing the child care, then blaming him, listing all his faults and how exhausted she was by breastfeeding as a reason for her cheating, refusing to take personal responsibility or doing the work to repair it, demanding he has to do the work, is let’s face it not someone likely to find someone who adores them, not unless that person is incredibly damaged.

Of course she can, given time. During which she can reflect, heal, work on herself or whatever else. This is a human with flaws, who was not in a loving relationship when she made her mistakes she is worthy of a happy relationship which isn’t dysfunctional. She can learn and she can grow and she can be happy. Anyone who says otherwise is just looking to stick the boot in.

She can, sure, absolutely, right now no, but she needs to want to do that. And she’s not really showing that right now.

The original post I made which you quoted me to disagree with, said specifically, ‘in time’ 🙄.

Im away to shave my devil horns and stick my forked tail in my pants and head off to work.

So your regret really doesn't go that deep when you're held accountable.

There's people, and I'm one, who thinks cheating is a form of domestic abuse. It's physical, mental, and emotional abuse and the cheater never seems to end up with the drastic physical and mental and emotional effects that the cheated on partner does. Your mindset that he didn't meet your emotional needs so you had to cheat makes it clear that you blame him and he deserved it. You make him responsible for your actions. That's also an abusive mindset. You need to do a lot of hard work on yourself if you don't want to repeat this.

I think this is a really good post!

Ultimately, outside of Hollywood films, long term relationships, especially when dc are involved, are mainly about close friendship.

I do have sympathy for the op though because a lot of men are quite closed off. When a partner wants to tackle a problem in their relationship by addressing it head on, a lot of men take it as a personal criticism and withdraw. And this cycle can be very demoralising as nothing gets resolved.

Of course trying to resolve this issue with an affair is a disastrous approach. But I can understand why a woman who wants a bit of closeness and affirmation of togetherness, especially at a vulnerable time after childbirth, can feel hurt, alone and unsupported, when continually being stonewalled. And some really good, decent men do this. They do the practical stuff but are very emotionally self-contained.

My girlfriends and I often joke about how little a bloke would have to do to make such a huge disproportionate difference in our relationships and how unaware they are of this. One small gesture like holding our hand in the street, holding our gaze a bit longer, wanting physical contact without any expectation of sex. A small romantic present or card. Asking a few questions about how we feel about something. But I am talking about older men as we are in our forties to early sixties. Maybe younger men are different?

Of course an affair is never the way to go but I often see women wanting more emotional connection and closeness with their long term partners being ridiculed and shut down on Mumsnet and characterised as unreasonable. But the truth is that some men are quite cold to live with. It can be hard to discern whether they need us or not as many men have been conditioned not to display vulnerability.

Which begs the question, how much emotional connection to your long term partner are women permitted to want in other words? How much is acceptable?

I realise there are of course very emotionally needy and expressive men and some very self contained women. But ime, speaking very generally, it’s mainly women in relationships seeking more connection from men than the other way around.

It’s obviously different for every person and between every couple. But are we all expected to live in a totally “sensible” male way? Why is the male way best?

Yes we all need to be grown ups who work in a thoughtful team, We don’t need unnecessary drama. And we need to be in control of our own emotions and take responsibility for our actions. But living in an emotionally cold landscape can be hard too. The outside world can be tough enough without a bit of warmth, softness and openness to return to in the evening.

I agree though that the op expecting her partner to open up more than ever before after having an affair is completely delusional and unrealistic. Both men and women are only ever going to open up to one another when they can trust each other.

Good luck op. I don’t think that what you did was right but I understand why you did it and I hope you can move on and learn from this experience. I think it’s best if you leave your ex partner alone, outside of joint parenting decisions, to live his life too.

Actually, I am not condoning op’s actions or any affairs, but I do know of situations where the cheater ended up with more long term detrimental emotional and physical effects than the cheated on.

I know two women whose husbands were unfaithful. Their ex husbands initially seemed to thrive, while the women’s worlds collapsed around them, but after a few years, things moved on. The men have become estranged from their teenage and young adult children, their “affair” relationships haven’t lasted, and they have ended up alone living in flats they don’t maintain well, and they’ve lost the respect of their friends, and wider families.

I attended the wedding of one of these couple’s DDs, and frankly, whereas my friend, the mother of the bride, had thrived, and was radiant with happiness that day, having held everything together for her family over the years, surrounded by friends and her children, her ex was on the other side of the aisle, isolated and alone and everyone felt sorry for him.

But that's not the post find out effects that can last for years and sometimes devastate someone for a lifetime.

Estrangement is the long term consequences of their own actions, cheating, catching up to them. It's not the result of being abused physically and mentally and emotionally.

I’m not trying to minimise the effects of an affair on the one who has cheated. It can of course have devastating life long effects and destroy families.

I am just pointing out that karma can sometimes bite too.

whereas my friend, the mother of the bride, had thrived, and was radiant with happiness that day, having held everything together for her family over the years, surrounded by friends and her children,

I love that for her.

I see a relationship ended by cheating as an infected wound. The end is sudden, but the wound of separating isn't a clean one and it can poison a person.