Age gap relationship + upset kids

[sheffex91]

So I've been in a 3 year relationship with my partner. I am 32 and he is 55. I have no children and he does from a previous marriage. One of his children is the same age as myself and that has caused a lot of problems. Said child has now said her dad is "pathetic/disgusting and weak" and sadly used a word that insinuates he likes very young women (which is far from the truth as we met when I was 29) and this has upset him.

I appreciate age gap relationships come with opinions and a lot of which are negative, I respect peoples opinions but we have also encountered really warm and caring opinions from people.

As a side note, we strive to keep our relationship private. We never broadcast it to anyone, his relationship with his kids and myself is separate and we keep it private not because of embarrassment or shame, but more because it's the type of people we are.

My partner is now asking whether the relationship should continue because a couple of children aren't happy about it. Was I silly to think the two could co-exist? I am of the mindset that if we have had 3 and bit years together that there is hope and I know he thinks there is too. However, he has his kids in the back of his mind telling him he is a failure for dating me.

Has anyone had this happen? Or am I on this merry go round of stupidness by myself?

thanks in advance!

So when you are 45 he will be 68…
The children/child is unsurprisingly unimpressed.
I hope (for you) you are not planning to have kids

I would end this relationship. Not because of the age gap (although that will become much more significant in the future) but because you should be able to openly celebrate your relationship, and he should be proud of you - not feel he hasto walk on eggshells to pander to the kids.

Have you put yourself in the adult child shoes? Would you like to think your parent was dating some your age?
I dont see my parent because of childhood abuse however they had an affair (and are still with there partner who six months older than me. My two siblings were horrified, I was none plus (because parent had done much worse) they found it very difficult but to comprehend.
I'm not saying its right or wrong but put yourself in the adult child shoes.

Can you not see how it would make someone really uncomfortable that their father was dating someone the same age as them?

I can completely see this and it was the first thing we ever addressed with them. We were told it was okay and this was triple checked. We would never have continued dating if we'd have known it was going to cause an issue.

I also have no plans of having my own children.

Really, the relationship should never have got off the ground.

Im not against age gap relationships, but I am against selfish parents who think they are the main character in everyone’s world.

What do you see the future being? Do you want children?

I appreciate your response. I agree with you but would never be with someone who I would see as a selfish parent and I am not looking through rose coloured glasses. We have always done our best to put everyone else's needs before ours and have always asked the person involved before we made any decision.

I don't want children, I am not interested in marriage. I simply would just like to enjoy the relationship. I don't need anything from my partner than I have lacked anywhere in life. It is simply we get along but we are different ages

I rather suspect that initially your partner's children were accepting because they perhaps thought the relationship would be short lived and their Dad would 'come to his senses'. As time has gone on, that hasn't happened and they have realised you are going to be a permanent fixture in his life. I also hate to say it, but some of it could be to do with any inheritance, that would potentially come their way further down the road. With you on the scene, they may feel their 'rightful' inheritance could be in question. Large age gaps unfortunately do have the habit of making people think the younger half is a gold digger and simply after money and a comfortable life. Your partner is naturally torn between you and his children, and he must feel dreadful. It's a horrible position to be put into. You obviously don't want to come between him and his children either. His daughter calling her Dad awful names suggesting he's some kind of pervert who likes young underage girls is spiteful and nasty. You're a grown woman, not a child. Your partner needs to have a calm conversation with his daughter, and find out if it's just the age gap or is there other worries she has. Would she hate her Dad having any kind of relationship, no matter the woman's age??! Your partner is an adult, and he should be allowed to have a relationship with whoever he wishes. I do understand his daughter's reaction but equally if he breaks up with you because she doesn't like it, then he's pandering to her. Where does it then stop? It's emotional blackmail, kick up a fuss until Dad does what I want.

Personally I think it's extremely bad minded for adult kids to dictate who their parent dates, when they wouldn't accept the reverse. If a parent cut a child off for dating someone they found unacceptable it would be seen an a cruel and mean thing but when an adult child behaves just as badly they are often treated with some sympathy. I don't get this double standard. They should accept their parents choices just as they would like their parents to accept theirs.

I suspect his children who have known him for 30+ years probably know a thing or two about his patterns of behaviour. I’m guessing this won’t be the first time and they will have seen him behaving in questionable ways towards others, maybe their friends as they were growing up.

I know someone who started a relationship with someone post-divorce who had adult children who said disparaging things about him.

It turns out they were right. There were reasons they thought his behaviour was disgusting. The person didn’t want to hear it because they thought he was ‘different’ now and they had ‘changed’ him because they loved him so much. Nope, still a perv. But it’s hard to accept the truth sometimes when it’s right in front of you.

I’m not usually a believer in age gap relationships, especially when the gap is this large. Men and women already have an inherent power imbalance. Add into it his seniority, and you have a lot of implicit dynamics playing out that are unequal and in my view, unhealthy.

Have you explored within yourself why you are with a man more than 20 years older than you instead of someone your own age? I’m not asking with judgement. I just think often there are issues (although of course not always.)

How did you two meet?

So I've been in a 3 year relationship with my partner. I am 32 and he is 55.
so you were 29 he was 52? How did you meet?

So at least one of his kids is extremely unhappy with her dad being in a relationship with a woman who is her age.

Suck it up or break up. His relationship with that child has detereriorated due to him dating a woman so much younger. Funny how you guys triple checked but now there's extreme disapproval coming from at least one kid.

Meh. I don't know. I think there are two (or more) separate issues.

The first (which ppl seem to be connecting with here is): Is this age-gap relationship ok, in and of itself? I don't think you have given any indication that it isn't ok, and people are instead communicating from their dislike of age-gap relationships in general.

The second feels more like: My partner's adult children are not happy with the relationship - despite the two people in the relationship being happy - should we break up? I feel like if there was a different "issue" behind the break-up (you are your partner were the same age, for example) than perhaps you would get different responses. I don't know.

But you haven't said anything to me that indicates you should break up if both of you are happy 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️ no bad behaviour, no red flags other than "he's significantly older" - maybe that's a red flag in itself. Who knows!

There is lots of perspective out in the world about age gaps relationship in general, and associated issues - especially as the couple gets older - however, I don't think this is the heart of your question

I do find it very weird to date someone the same age as your child. Sorry.

I have a friend who dated and then went on to marry a man who was about 18years older than her.

At first everything was great. Their families accepted their relationship and everyone was happy. But as they got older, they both wanted different things from life, because they were both at different stages of life and this started creating problems for them in their marriage.

If you are planning a future with him, then think about what that future might look like for you as a couple

Whether his kids are 9 years old or 29 years old, if they are less than enthusiastic about your relationship, this might cause problems for you as a couple.

The fact that there's an age gap, giving you the unfortunate distinction of being the same age as one of his youngest kids, well, yeah, I know, it's weird.
If you were to get married, you'd be the same age as his daughter, and if you all went out as a big happy family group, most onlookers would assume that he's out with just his adult kids.

You know what, at the end of the day, it's how the two of you feel about it. If the kids were younger, he'd have a greater responsibility to their happiness but his kids are adults. It's unfortunate that they don't like this, but too bad.
My husband was 24 years older than I.
I was the same age as his niece and nephew.
My brother and sister-in-law were the same age as my parents.
My mother-in-law was the same age as my grandmother.
Was it weird? Not really. We didn't make it weird.
I was incredibly lucky that both my family and his family were just so happy that we were happy that they were willing to overlook this disparagy of numbers.
Cuz when it really comes down to it, that's all age is.
I've known people in their '70s who act like a toddler... Incessantly fussy eating habits/throwing tantrums over minor things / always having to have their way/thinking poop and fart jokes are the funniest form of entertainment ever/ really juvenile behavior....
And I've known teenagers who were so mature that they were the emotional and financial anchor for their entire family, taking on a responsibility well beyond their chronological age.

I'm sorry his family's not 100% supportive of you at this time, I hope that you both have many great times ahead in which you are happy, and if that means you don't do as many things with his kids, then so be it. Be prepared that they may never fully accept you, and be prepared for what that will mean to family gatherings and traditions within his family, how they will possibly address you in the future especially if you get married (Don't expect them to call you Mom)... But find happiness wherever you can. That's all I can suggest. Cuz life is short.

You've hit the nail on the head.

wtf. The kids are grown aren’t they?!

I would expect their response if they were 15, but this is wild.

I can’t imagine having such main character energy that I have any say in my parents (or anyone else’s!) love life.

This is nearly the same age gap, same ages and same issue as my in laws. My BIL’s children don’t see him at all anymore.
Good luck to you, I hope you will be very happy dating a very elderly man when you’re in your 50s!

Thanks for all responses. I can see points of view from all and appreciate thoughts and comments.

We met when I owned my own business. He was a customer and after getting to know him over the course of a year, I asked him out. I had come out of a relationship a year earlier and just decided to see what happened, here we are 3 years later.

I totally appreciate all comments regarding his child being my age, it is something I am aware of and don't act like it doesn't exist. I suppose I took their face value for truth and therefore when an issue around us has arose 3 years later I am surprised.

As for the age, I don't really think about the age when i'll be X and he'll be Y. I'm very much just trying to be happy and enjoy being in the moment (appreciate how cliche that must sound) but I don't tend to dwell on that subject. I'm just sad about it as it's not great to hear hurtful comments about yourself and the relationship but as everyone has pointed out, it is what it is and everyone is completely entitled to their opinion.

The only people that seem to have difficulties with age gap relationships are other people and not the people involved.

You’ll never win in this relationship, OP. Now you’re far too young for him and everyone thinks it’s a bit creepy. In 15 years he could be experiencing age related illness and decline while you’re still in your forties - then you’ll be considered selfish if you don’t give up your life to care for him.

I think this is very balanced answer.

I don't hear you asking whether the age gap is appropriate. More you are asking whether you should break up, because his children are uncomfortable / don't like some aspect of your relationship.

Personally, I don't think it's anyone else's business, if two consenting adults, are in a relationship. Even their (adult) children.

Sounds like your DP and his children, must have had a strained relationship anyway? If either of my parents entered into a large age-gap relationship, I might well feel uncomfortable (at least initially), but I would still love and respect them. I certainly wouldn't say horrible things for years and let it ruin my relationship with them. Honestly, the adult children's reactions seem very odd and unhealthy.

It's easy to say you just think about the present, but you do need to think about the future.

My dad has been in a relationship with a woman who is 2 years older than me since she was 25 and he was 47. They were very happy for many years. He's 82 now and just been diagnosed with dementia. I honestly think she's just hoping he dies sooner rather than later.
Be prepared for your partners children to expect his sprightly wife to step up for his care when his health declines (as my dad's wife has, to her credit).
Also - When my dad dies, his wife gets everything; then when she dies, half goes to his three children and the other half to her two. So, realistically, she might outlive me and my siblings and we're likely to inherit nothing from our dad. I didn't care about this when I was younger but now it really hurts that my kids will have no inheritance from their grandfather. I don't mind so much about the money but there's something emotional about it.
I think your partners kids might be thinking about this and maybe there is something he can do to reassure them.