Age gap relationship + upset kids

[sheffex91]

So I've been in a 3 year relationship with my partner. I am 32 and he is 55. I have no children and he does from a previous marriage. One of his children is the same age as myself and that has caused a lot of problems. Said child has now said her dad is "pathetic/disgusting and weak" and sadly used a word that insinuates he likes very young women (which is far from the truth as we met when I was 29) and this has upset him.

I appreciate age gap relationships come with opinions and a lot of which are negative, I respect peoples opinions but we have also encountered really warm and caring opinions from people.

As a side note, we strive to keep our relationship private. We never broadcast it to anyone, his relationship with his kids and myself is separate and we keep it private not because of embarrassment or shame, but more because it's the type of people we are.

My partner is now asking whether the relationship should continue because a couple of children aren't happy about it. Was I silly to think the two could co-exist? I am of the mindset that if we have had 3 and bit years together that there is hope and I know he thinks there is too. However, he has his kids in the back of his mind telling him he is a failure for dating me.

Has anyone had this happen? Or am I on this merry go round of stupidness by myself?

thanks in advance!

Sorry, but if my dad was dating someone the same age as me, I’d be disgusted. The age gap is too big in my opinion, and I’d feel equally disgusted to be dating someone the same age as my dad!

I’m not surprised she’s not happy about it. Her dad should be finding someone his own age not going after women the same age as his daughter. It makes him seem like a right pervert, frankly.

You are so young and if you are not careful this man will steal your youth. He’s a few years shy of 60 and that’s when age really kicks in for most men. He may be the exception but most are slowing down when you should really be out there enjoying the best years of your life with someone your own age .. not someone who has done it all before and has the scars to prove it. I also would seriously question the motives of a man getting involved with someone so much younger than himself .. the same age as his own daughter .. like the ick factor alone is off the charts. His kids don’t like it .. I can’t see many that would tbh.

The age gap is the same as me and my mum, I'm 41, she's just had a hip replacement, I can't imagine having a partner that much older. Having said that it's clearly worked for the last 3 years and you can enjoy it until you don't

Can you honestly not see why a daughter might be appalled and disgusted at the fact of her father having sex with someone the same age as her?

You're all adults. It's not up to her who her father dates. Life's too short, if you make each other happy then crack on.

even if you claim you do not want children, you are at an age where having a child is incredibly likely. His children aren’t just concerned about an age gap, they are concerned he is going to decide to backtrack and have another child. If the two of you are serious about this relationship and not having any children, he could calm a lot of drama by having a vasectomy.

given your age when meeting, I don’t think there is a huge power imbalance. You do need to think about the life stage mismatch though. I watched a close family member go through this. She swore age didn’t matter. Then she was still fit, active, and working, dealing with a husband old enough to be her father and in serious decline both physically and mentally. They couldn’t grow old together. If she wanted to enjoy her later years at all, she had to leave him behind to a very large extent.

My ExH has married a woman who is only a few years older than our children.

she seems quite nice and I don’t really care but then I’m not expected to spend any time with them.

our kids are very upset. They feel he’s trying to have another family, that they weren’t good enough, they feel that he no longer is interested in them at all and spends his time and energy on his new wife.

i am disabled following an accident and he is spending time travelling the world and doing energetic things with his new wife. They really do feel that he is cutting ties with his existing family and trying to have a second young adulthood himself.

it’s not a great look to be honest. He’s dying his hair and trying to wear trendy clothes (or at least clothes that that generation like).

you don’t know what his relationship with his children has been like over time. How he’s treated them and his (ex?) wife.

you’re coming into an emotionally complex and charged situation.

Surely the 32 year old ADULT child who thinks they have a say in their father's romantic relationship is the one who thinks they're the main character, not the guy harmlessly dating a consenting and fully mature adult and keeping said relationship personal and away from his children? Or are parents just supposed to stay single forever for fear of upsetting their adult children? Or are we to hold auditions so our adult children can vet our potential romantic partners?

Absolutely ridiculous take.

Nothing in life is permanent. Life is too short. If you're enjoying yourself in the present moment then crack on. No one knows what the future holds. Don't have any regrets. His children don't get to be judge and jury IMO.
Your life. Live it as it pans out!

This!
They are incredibly selfish.
And like thinking about their inheritance being delayed, or if you outlive them, vanished.
They should be focusing on their own lives and be happy that their father had found happiness rather than condemning him to s lonely life until he drops dead and leaves them money.

I’m slightly concerned that everyone thinks this is creepy. My parents had a 24 year age gap. 53 and 29 when they married. No, not ideal but back then they were not seen as odd or creepy. This is a modern judgement. Neither had dc and I was born when DF was 55. I have two younger sisters.

I do agree age differences bring significant challenges and you have to work through them but he’s not that old! The relationship needs careful planning but I think you need to evaluate if he loves you and if you love him. If he’s backing out due to disapproval by an adult child, I find that a bit sad and I would query his commitment and deep love for you. Are you a trophy or the person he wants to be with forever?

If he’s happy with younger women so be it. Maybe he just hasn’t met anyone nearer his age? It happens. Look at the bile hurled at the Macrons! We don’t like an age differences either way and feel
totally free to comment on it.

Where is the mother of his dc by the way?

Was he still married when you asked him out? if so, the children will also see you as the “OW”

My Dad spent a couple of years in a relationship with a woman 2 years younger than me. To be honest, I already had a spectacularly low opinion of him, but this really highlighted what a pathetic selfish man he was.

No matter how old I get, I cannot imagine dating someone the same age as my child.

That is horrific.

No decent human would do that.

If my father dated someone my age I'd think there was something wrong with him.

If my daughter dated someone her father's age I'd think we messed up somewhere and she had unresolved daddy issues.

Leonardo Di Caprio is a cautionary tale, not an aspiration.

No children changes things.

i personally don’t care about adults having relationships with whoever they want.

it is different through if a man or a woman has had a long standing relationship, with kids, and then enters into a relationship with someone of roughly the kids age.

my suspicion is that it opens up the possibility that the older person sees their own children through a sexual lens which is very uncomfortable. Most people don’t like to think about their parents having sex much less with someone their own age.

I think it's vile to date someone who's the same age as your child.

I wonder if there are some financial concerns from the children as well as finding it a little distasteful?

I wouldn't go out with a much older guy myself but I agree with you.

Don't do this to yourself...

Why would you want to waste your life with a much older man and be part of a family that will never accept you and have to be around conflict all the time?

Enjoy being a young woman and find a more suitable partner.

It is perfectly understandable that his adult children think it is gross that their father is dating a woman their own age.

The adult children are being selfish. Loving children want their parents to feel happiness and love.
He needs to be clear that you two are together and that is that.

He could see them without you, reassuring them that they re loved and he needs love too.

If inheritance is an issue this needs addressing too.

I would find it odd, sorry. My friend is married to a man with a similar age gap and now we are 15 years down the line it is much more obvious, eg he will get tired quickly compared to her when they go out or away anywhere, he is much less interested in new experiences and travel. When they first met they both had equal zest for life but she does get frustrated at him now.

Just to answer any existing questions -

No my partner was not married at the time. He had been divorced from the kid's mother for 10+ years. To add, they divorced as she was very abusive in the marriage and he left due to this. This is something the children do not know about as he would not want them to think poorly of their mother.

As from a financial point of view, I hadn't considered this but understand where this train of thought comes from. Nobody would want to think their parents are being taken advantage off and I understand that completely. Without going into specific details, I make more money than my partner and am very secure in that I do not need to ask him for anything etc. I know I am lucky to be in that position but I have made sure I am secure, whether in a relationship or single.

I take on board all views that people have. I appreciate dating someone who is his daughter's age is not run of the mill and does upset people, I try and listen to this and be as considerate as I can. I obviously am very biased as I love my partner very much but I do not view him as a disgusting person for this, however of course I would say that so I take on board what everyone is saying.

My partner is now asking whether the relationship should continue because a couple of children aren't happy about it. Was I silly to think the two could co-exist? I am of the mindset that if we have had 3 and bit years together that there is hope and I know he thinks there is too. However, he has his kids in the back of his mind telling him he is a failure for dating me.

Mmmm, I think if he was really happy and you were the love of his life he wouldn't end it because of this. I wonder if he's having doubts anyway and this is a convenient hook to hang it on. He might be thinking he's too old for you or that you might change your mind about wanting children and he's therefore robbing you of the chance to have them because he doesn't want them. There could be any number of reasons for him to have doubts.
I don't know really. It's a tricky one. But I think if you're in a relationship where a significant proportion of family and friends are against it, it is going to be a massive struggle all the time and because he is a lot older than you, you've got the difficulty of an age-gap relationship as well. In my experience, my own and family and acquaintances', a relationship can overcome one major difficulty but it starts to become problematic when there are two or more major issues to overcome.

Oh that old cliche… ‘the old abusive ex wife’ but lucky guy, he’s had his heart healed by a much younger woman.