Age gap relationship + upset kids

[sheffex91]

So I've been in a 3 year relationship with my partner. I am 32 and he is 55. I have no children and he does from a previous marriage. One of his children is the same age as myself and that has caused a lot of problems. Said child has now said her dad is "pathetic/disgusting and weak" and sadly used a word that insinuates he likes very young women (which is far from the truth as we met when I was 29) and this has upset him.

I appreciate age gap relationships come with opinions and a lot of which are negative, I respect peoples opinions but we have also encountered really warm and caring opinions from people.

As a side note, we strive to keep our relationship private. We never broadcast it to anyone, his relationship with his kids and myself is separate and we keep it private not because of embarrassment or shame, but more because it's the type of people we are.

My partner is now asking whether the relationship should continue because a couple of children aren't happy about it. Was I silly to think the two could co-exist? I am of the mindset that if we have had 3 and bit years together that there is hope and I know he thinks there is too. However, he has his kids in the back of his mind telling him he is a failure for dating me.

Has anyone had this happen? Or am I on this merry go round of stupidness by myself?

thanks in advance!

Depends on your feelings for him. Relationships used to be based on love, remember that word. If you love him, and you believe he loves you then go for it. Sorry to be so old fashioned.

His children are the only adults here 😅

Yes. As the "children" here are in their 30s, they're old enough to mind their own business...

Because you re adults you get to decide.

It doesn't look like it to me.

If you both want to be together then you should be. Why should he pander to the opinion of grown adults, when your relationship probably has very little effect on their lives at all? I had a step parent only a few years older than me and from a much younger age and believe it is very unfair of an adult child to try to dictate how their parent can live their life. There comes a point where you have to stop prioritising your DC in every decision and do what makes you happy and that point is way before they are 29.

Not sure why people are giving you a hard time!

How ridiculous- you are both free to enjoy life as you see fit (as long as you are not hurting anybody)

Neither of you are hurting his kids but they have all of a sudden decided to declare their displeasure- guess what tough luck

You think the fact there father was happy would be enough for them but clearly not

Maybe get him to drop in conversation he is not planning to disinherit them and that might calm things!

Wanted to add my thoughts as someone who is the stepchild in this situation. There's a 25 year gap between my dad and my stepmother; they met through work when she was 30 and he was 55. I was 22 at the time and my brother was 33, and our mum had died a few years earlier. It was really, really hard for us to come to terms with (especially when they then had two children within four years), and I was definitely not as supportive as I could have been. I feel hugely guilty about that now - I acted like a teenager and I know I'd feel awful if it had negatively affected their relationship. They've been together for nearly 20 years. My stepmother is wonderful. We're now incredibly close and I think that's because she was so calm and boundaried during those early years. She didn't bring any drama, she was just firmly and consistently there - for my dad and for us. Looking back, I think I was subconsciously worried that the age gap meant that she would leave, and we'd all be bereaved again.

Though it's very old fashioned in some ways, I do think that a turning point for me was when they got married about three years in. Knowing that she had fully committed to him helped somehow, as did there being a new formal structure to our relationship (she wasn't just my dad's young girlfriend anymore, she was my stepmother).

I think all of this is by way of saying: they might come round. And in the meantime, try not to let it affect your relationship.

It’s unbelievable that posters think a 32 year old will have wildly different interests from someone in their 50s. Maybe - but then they wouldn’t be attracted to each other. My parents were 24 years apart in age but liked similar things. Not every 32 year old is thinking like a 22 year old and of course travel, food, culture, music and entertainment tastes can be similar. They might even support the same football team. People aren’t conditioned to group think because they are 32 or 55! A fit, well dressed, intelligent 55 year old man isn’t yukky!

The dc see his money going.

Look - if you are having fun and both enjoying the relationship, why not.
I can see why the grown kids don't like it - because ideally they'd want their dad to find a partner he can grow old with.

It is unlikely to be you - you are too young to understand it at your age. You live in the moment, and are just enjoying life as is. To you - you can live like this for a long time still. But his life horizon is much shorter. He will be winding down and making retirement decisions sooner than you think. And at that time, your life paths will naturally split.

But at this time - it does not matter. As long as you both have similar understanding of what this relationship is and is not, there is no issue, really.

I feel maternal towards people the same ages as my children. The idea of being sexually attracted to one of them is revolting. I wouldn’t expect his daughters to get over this if I were you.

That's a very big age gap, to be fair. Him being with someone the same age as his children I do think is uncomfortable. I can understand his children not being happy about this. But you can't control who you fall in love with, can you? All you can do is hang in there.

I have a male friend whose wife is 25 years younger than him. They are blissfully happy and nobody turns a hair at the age gap because he has no children from his first marriage (incidentally to a woman who was quite a lot older than him). For him, it's all about the individual person, not their age, and it's working for them. Hopefully it will for you, too.

I’d think many female children would not be keen on their father dating someone half his age. It smacks of male entitlement and privilege, which is not a good look.

Id bet my bottom dollar that they wouldn’t be as concerned if it was their mum dating a much, much younger man. The power dynamics would be totally different.

Having said this, their beef is with their dad and I don’t see why you should e getting involved at all. Let him sort it out, whilst you continue conveying that you expect to be treated with respect.

You need to ask yourself. Did he defend you during his children's aquations?
If he did, all good. But if he didn't then you need to walk away.

But they are not kids are they ? They are adults who make their own decisions for themselves.
Just as their Dad does.

Has he asked his kids why they initially said they were okay with it and now have an issue?

Dating someone with offspring by someone else is a pain in the arse.

Absolutely without exception, the age gap relationships ive known have always ended the same way. The man gets old and gets quite significant health issues, and the woman gets turned off as she slowly transforms from being a cherished partner and lover into becoming a carer with a dependant old age pensioner to look after 24/7. It rarely ends well. Id quit if i were you. Find someone closer in age to you.

When you said "one of his children is the same age as me" in your initial post I immediately thought "I bet it's the younger one". And indeed, both of his kids are older than you.

Of course that's weird for them. Parents are not supposed to still be at the same maturity level and life stage as their children, so if a 55 year-old-man actually feels like your peer than that doesn't speak particularly well of him. You'd expect your parents to see people your age as peers with you not them, right? Age-gap relationships are something I've shifted my view of through my 30s as I've watched more of them progress into old age and as I've experienced the shift towards middle-age myself and realized how different I was at 30 or so even though I think I felt fully adult then.

But you're both adults and there are certainly examples of very happy, long-lasting age-gap relationships. He doesn't get to demand his children are comfortable with the relationship or control their opinion of him, but he can choose to stay with you and let them decide to distance themselves or not. If you're very sure you won't want kids then maybe it makes sense to stick with it as long as it's working for you.

My partner is now asking whether the relationship should continue because a couple of children aren't happy about it.

If he is saying this to you he has already made up his mind and he wants you to agree so that it seems easy and mutual. You can try to limp along but eventually he’ll be more explicit and end it.

I couldn’t help but notice that you stopped replying as soon as people began asking about your own father. Get thee to therapy, OP.

The offspring aren't children though. They're adults who should be happy if their father is happy and, if they can't be happy, they should keep their feelings to themselves. They are being the selfish ones.

@Daygloboo My DF died suddenly. Yes, DM was a widow at a fairly early age, but don’t generalise about death. I’ve got a friend caring for her husband and he’s not old! Illness happens in any marriage and yes, people will become aged, but it’s not always going to stop them being healthy. The op surely knows this too and she might well have another 30 years of happiness. That can be worth quite a lot in a lifetime.

We were told it was okay and this was triple checked.

I can of course only guess at how this conversation went, but if one of my parents came to me and told me that he/she was dating something younger than my youngest sibling, I might tell them that it´s fine when pressed, but my feelings would not match my words.

yeah op, so when you’re 48 you will be dating a 70 year old. I’m slightly older than you and I’d not be interested in dating a 70 year old. You are going to feel it soon enough, the age difference just doesn’t feel that much right now. I really hope you’re also not saying you don’t want babies and marriage just to be with him as he doesn’t, because one day you will be a very lonely lady who regrets that if so.

I’m afraid I agree with this, the novelty has worn off for him, and he’s out, he’s just doing it slowly but his mind is made up, it’s not worth it for him, so what randoms on mumsnet think or what you think doesn’t matter, for whatever reason it’s run its course for him, he was happy enough not to bother for the last 3 years, now this is a good excuse.