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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve cancelled a Christmas invitation to my DM for her and my DB to be included in a family meal out at a Toby Carvery

83 replies

LizzieW1969 · 03/12/2025 10:30

To clarify, we are seeing my DM on the 29th so I’m not refusing to see her at all. Although not my DB, as my DSis and her family will be there too, and she won’t have anything to do with him. (My DD2 (13) is living with them - talked about elsewhere so not for this thread, it’s a very emotional subject.)

The issue is that my DB sexually abused my DSis and me when we were growing up (mainly her). He was groomed to do this by others to do so, including our F, and was abused himself and he’s very vulnerable. This is why I do have occasional contact with him. But I kept him away from my DDs for 10 years.

I was persuaded by my DM to allow contact recently between him and DD1 (16) when we celebrated her birthday at the cinema (we watched the Downton Abbey finale). She and my DB barely saw each other, though. The problem is that I’ve set a precedent now, I think.

I’m finding that my DM is pushing me constantly about contact between my DB and my family, as she’s concerned about what will happen to him when she’s no longer around. (She’s 86 years old so I do understand that.)

I always end up feeling very conflicted about the whole subject of my DB, after talking to my DM about him. I know that he’s very damaged and needing support but I still feel like I need to keep him at arm’s length because of the past.

OP posts:
Sillysoggyspaniel · 03/12/2025 10:37

Absolutely not. Hard no. How dare they ask to be involved in your lives after what he has done.

purplecorkheart · 03/12/2025 10:40

He may be damaged and needing support but your priority is keeping your children safe.

thepariscrimefiles · 03/12/2025 10:42

Your DB may be vulnerable but he is also a sexual predator that your father encouraged and groomed and your mum turned a blind eye.

He is not a safe person to be around you or your daughters and it isn't your responsibility to support him after your mum dies.

This is a toxic situation that you did not cause and you don't need to fix. Step right back.

Zanzara · 03/12/2025 10:43

And it's a no here too. Your DM should not be asking you this.

amber763 · 03/12/2025 10:44

Not a chance. You need to protect yourself and your kids. Don't under any circumstances allow further contact with your family. If your mum knew about this abuse and did nothing she is as bad as them.

Original poster
LizzieW1969 · 03/12/2025 10:48

thepariscrimefiles · 03/12/2025 10:42

Your DB may be vulnerable but he is also a sexual predator that your father encouraged and groomed and your mum turned a blind eye.

He is not a safe person to be around you or your daughters and it isn't your responsibility to support him after your mum dies.

This is a toxic situation that you did not cause and you don't need to fix. Step right back.

My DM didn’t know what was going on, I do believe that, though she still didn’t keep us safe. Thankfully my F has been dead for many years. She was guilty of emotional neglect and smacking us.

There never has been any indication that he abused anyone independently of the monsters who abused the 3 of us when we were children. But I’m still uncomfortable about my DDs being around him, simply because of what happened and what he did do.

In addition, his crimes are still on file with the police.

OP posts:
Applesinapie · 03/12/2025 10:51

No chance. You and your daughters should stay well away from him

Snorlaxo · 03/12/2025 10:52

While your brother may have been groomed, you can only end the cycle of abuse with NC.

I was physically abused by my mother and she has never met my kids who are now adults . I can confidently say that the cycle of abuse ended with me and that going NC was a massively successful decision for me.

Thepossibility · 03/12/2025 10:53

No child sex offender will be going near my children, anyone that has a problem with that can fuck off. Their feelings are not important AT ALL in this situation.

Hoppinggreen · 03/12/2025 10:55

Why the actual fuck would you be in the same postcode as your abuser let alone allow your children near him?
Apart from anything else SS could takee a dim view of it (depending on the DC's ages)
Come on OP, your brother may be damaged but your first priority is to your DC and yourself and your Mother sounds like a piece of work too.
Back away from all of them (except your sister who seeems the only sane one in this mess) and keep your DC well away too

Octavia64 · 03/12/2025 10:56

No.

i understand why your dm is concerned. But this is not your problem to deal with and you can imagine how you would feel if he did do something to your daughters.

sorry.

no doubt he is vulnerable but protecting your daughters is number 1.

Original poster
LizzieW1969 · 03/12/2025 11:02

Hoppinggreen · 03/12/2025 10:55

Why the actual fuck would you be in the same postcode as your abuser let alone allow your children near him?
Apart from anything else SS could takee a dim view of it (depending on the DC's ages)
Come on OP, your brother may be damaged but your first priority is to your DC and yourself and your Mother sounds like a piece of work too.
Back away from all of them (except your sister who seeems the only sane one in this mess) and keep your DC well away too

I didn’t see him for many years. And I kept him away from my DDs. I allowed DD1 (16) to come to the cinema with us in a family group a few months back. I’m regretting this as it’s become a precedent. Hence why I said no to the family meal.

And until this year, my DM didn’t even suggest it.

OP posts:
Original poster
LizzieW1969 · 03/12/2025 11:04

We don’t live that near them actually, certainly not in the same postcode, though in the same city.

OP posts:
Lavender14 · 03/12/2025 11:06

Your brother was groomed and was a victim of sexual abuse himself and that's horrendous that that happened to him as is what happened to you and your sister. I think this is a really tragic situation all round where the adults in question have a huge amount to answer for.

The problem op, is that while your dB is also a victim and may never have done this since, there's still been a precedent set (fairly or unfairly) where he's done awful things (even though he may not have been equipped to stop it at the time). I think you are not the right person to step in and support him because you need to manage your own trauma so you can prioritise your children. That is how you break the cycle that was unfairly put upon your family. Its another layer of irreparable damage to your family set up that you will need to grieve in a sense but ultimately op, your dm is being extremely unfair expecting this of you and pushing it with you in this way. There are plenty of steps she could have taken before now to set him up with more appropriate support but she's done what she did before and stuck her head in the sand hoping you'd take it on the chin and just get on with things. And that's not okay, I'm so sorry you were put through that and that you're having to navigate this now. But access to your children is a line I think you need to hold extremely firm. Just because you've allowed it doesn't mean you don't get to change your mind, these are your kids, you are the parent, you make the decision and no is a complete sentence.

junglejunglebear · 03/12/2025 11:10

He can be vulnerable and your mother can be worried about him, but that doesn't make him your responsibility.

It is NOT the responsibility of a victim to look after their abuser. It might make life easier for other people.

You are not his mother.
His wellbeing is not your responsibility.
He is an adult.
Someone else can carry that load.

Who is carrying you and the weight of what happened to you, @LizzieW1969 ?

divorcinganabsolutewanker · 03/12/2025 11:12

Are you actually insane.

WTAF are you thinking op.

Original poster
LizzieW1969 · 03/12/2025 11:20

junglejunglebear · 03/12/2025 11:10

He can be vulnerable and your mother can be worried about him, but that doesn't make him your responsibility.

It is NOT the responsibility of a victim to look after their abuser. It might make life easier for other people.

You are not his mother.
His wellbeing is not your responsibility.
He is an adult.
Someone else can carry that load.

Who is carrying you and the weight of what happened to you, @LizzieW1969 ?

Thank you for your kind words. My DH is very supportive and I have a supportive church as well as good friends. My GP is aware of my MH issues too.

And I can see what you’re saying. My DB is now in a retirement flat, so there won’t be much for us to do practically. But she wants to know that there’s a supportive family in the background when she’s no longer around for him. That’s what this is about.

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 03/12/2025 11:23

LizzieW1969 · 03/12/2025 11:02

I didn’t see him for many years. And I kept him away from my DDs. I allowed DD1 (16) to come to the cinema with us in a family group a few months back. I’m regretting this as it’s become a precedent. Hence why I said no to the family meal.

And until this year, my DM didn’t even suggest it.

Show quote history

But why are you going to the cinema with him?
Come on OP, its not healthy to still be emeshed with people who abused you - and I include your Mother in that

Yellowsunbeam · 03/12/2025 11:28

Absolutely not ,no
He can't be trusted around females

Original poster
LizzieW1969 · 03/12/2025 11:32

Hoppinggreen · 03/12/2025 11:23

But why are you going to the cinema with him?
Come on OP, its not healthy to still be emeshed with people who abused you - and I include your Mother in that

Show quote history

My DSis and I both have infrequent contact with her; we accept that she didn’t know what was going on. She also hurt her back very badly 6 months ago and we’ve both tried to be supportive of her.

But I am aware that she’s very capable of emotional blackmail to get her own way.

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 03/12/2025 11:33

OP, you need to hold the line for your DDs sake. You see how your mother is now pushing because you made an exception, just once. Time to roll it back.

It's not up to you to care for your abuser even if he is old now. There's something very wrong with your mother, she was in denial back then and she remains there now. Who's putting your interests first?

GreenCandleWax · 03/12/2025 11:33

LizzieW1969 · 03/12/2025 11:20

Thank you for your kind words. My DH is very supportive and I have a supportive church as well as good friends. My GP is aware of my MH issues too.

And I can see what you’re saying. My DB is now in a retirement flat, so there won’t be much for us to do practically. But she wants to know that there’s a supportive family in the background when she’s no longer around for him. That’s what this is about.

Edited
Show quote history

She should have thought of that before, and taken proper responsibility. She is now trying to offload that responsibility on to you, which is completely not OK. You and your dsis need to be strong together, drawing an appropriate line (no family get togethers or involvement with your DCs) between yourselves and DB. Its a tragic family situation which your DM is partly responsible for, and as others have said, not yours to resolve as you are victims of abuse. Flowers

bigboykitty · 03/12/2025 11:34

Your mum sounds like a BIG problem @LizzieW1969 and I'm guessing there is a huge amount of background to that. I agree with @Lavender14 that this is a very complex situation and your brother is also an abuse survivor as well as a perpetrator. My view is that any decision you make about seeing (or not seeing) your brother should be centred on your needs and wishes and on the safety and protection of your children. You owe your brother nothing. You owe your mum nothing. Please tell your mum that you won't be listening to her emotional blackmail and that you will decide what's right for you and your family. I'm sorry that you have all of this emotional turmoil which you obviously don't need. Please step away and listen to your own voice.

NimbleDreamer · 03/12/2025 11:36

Your DM is insane.

How can she expect your DB's family i.e. his sisters to support him and be around for him after she is gone when he has sexually abused them all? Yes he may be vulnerable and was also abused by your F but at the end of the day you shouldn't be expected to be responsible for the person who sexually abused you as a child, and by having him in your life also putting your DC at risk.

I can't believe you allowed your DB to meet your DD (16) either.

Unfortunately I think because of all of the abuse in your family and continued enmeshment you are blind to what is actually normal and what isn't.

Nothing in your family situation is normal at all, none of it.

Ohmygodthepain · 03/12/2025 11:36

One cinema trip does not set a precedent.

Your dd is old enough to have the bones of the story as to why you are (not were, you should still be NC with this child sexual abuse predator) and can appreciate a matter-of-fact explanation that you will NOT be seeing him again.

Hard, hard no from me op. And I would assume from every response you get on this thread. Keep him away from your dds.