I’ve cancelled a Christmas invitation to my DM for her and my DB to be included in a family meal out at a Toby Carvery

[LizzieW1969]

To clarify, we are seeing my DM on the 29th so I’m not refusing to see her at all. Although not my DB, as my DSis and her family will be there too, and she won’t have anything to do with him. (My DD2 (13) is living with them - talked about elsewhere so not for this thread, it’s a very emotional subject.)

The issue is that my DB sexually abused my DSis and me when we were growing up (mainly her). He was groomed to do this by others to do so, including our F, and was abused himself and he’s very vulnerable. This is why I do have occasional contact with him. But I kept him away from my DDs for 10 years.

I was persuaded by my DM to allow contact recently between him and DD1 (16) when we celebrated her birthday at the cinema (we watched the Downton Abbey finale). She and my DB barely saw each other, though. The problem is that I’ve set a precedent now, I think.

I’m finding that my DM is pushing me constantly about contact between my DB and my family, as she’s concerned about what will happen to him when she’s no longer around. (She’s 86 years old so I do understand that.)

I always end up feeling very conflicted about the whole subject of my DB, after talking to my DM about him. I know that he’s very damaged and needing support but I still feel like I need to keep him at arm’s length because of the past.

The fact that your DB is hugely damaged and needs support does not make providing that support your responsibility. Your responsibility is to keep your children safe. Yanbu to keep DB away - he is clearly not someone who should be in your DC lives.

OP I think it's fine to admit to your DM that you made a mistake allowing him to see your DD1, and moving forward you won't be allowing contact again. You say you regret it - I can absolutely see why you do have occasional contact, and you are a good person for trying to have compassion towards your brother, and trying to see that he was exploited. However, as PPs have said, your DC are your priority now and I think you would be best keeping him away from them - even supervised contact. Your DM would likely only continue to pressure you, and put you in a difficult position. It sounds like you have dealt with the past. Let it stop there, don't let him into your DC lives. It is not your issue to fix - your DB can look after himself and get support from absolutely anyone else - but you are essentially his victim and he was the perpetrator. You don't owe him anything just because you're blood related.
I'm sorry you went through that OP x

Thank you for this. Yes I will keep them apart from now on. I’ve actually said to my DM that I will avoid contact between him and DD1 and I will stick to that. It isn’t even as if he himself is even asking for contact with my DDs or DSis’s DCs.

100% agree with this. Not your problem.

You have said that your mum didn't know about the sexual grooming by your father and your brother's sexual abuse of you but that she was guilty of emotional neglect and smacking you, i.e. physical violence.

She has got a massive cheek to expect you to provide your brother with the sort of support that she never provided to you, even though she now knows what he did to you as a child.

You need to categorically tell her that you will not be undertaking that role in any way, shape or form and you and your family will not be having any relationship with him. She needs to contact external agencies or charities if she is worried about what will happen to him after her death.

If she continues with any sort of emotional blackmail, just pull right back. She is lucky that you still have any sort of relationship with her.

Bits of your posts that have jumped out at me, OP-

"I’m finding that my DM is pushing me constantly about contact between my DB and my family, as she’s concerned about what will happen to him when she’s no longer around. (She’s 86 years old so I do understand that.)"

"My DM didn’t know what was going on, I do believe that, though she still didn’t keep us safe. Thankfully my F has been dead for many years. She was guilty of emotional neglect and smacking us."

Whilst she didn't know what was going on THEN, she does know about it NOW, and is completely in the wrong to make you and your sister feel you have to be responsible for the comfort of your abuser. That is just not on. I'd even go so far as to say that it's a continuance of her emotional neglect.

I would refuse to see your brother ever again, or have anything to do with his welfare. It is genuinely nothing to do with you. I'd also be telling your mother that the next time she tries to pull this stunt on you will be the last time you ever see her - she was an abusive mother then, continues to be now, and you owe this woman nothing.

"It’s a difficult one, as he has no recollection of anything that happened during his childhood (or so he says) and his counsellor didn’t think we should bring up the subject with him of what he himself did himself or had happen to him. Unless he remembers it all himself.
I wrote him a letter a couple of years ago telling him a bit about what our F did, but that’s all. He still reveres him so that in itself has been a reason not to see him/. (He apparently is still refusing to accept it.)
He’s mentally very fragile so I haven’t wanted to go against the advice of MH professionals."
It's possible he doesn't remember, but his not remembering makes him a danger to you and your sister. Because, if he can't/won't remember then he can't/won't regret his actions and he can't/won't atone for those actions and you have no way to know he won't slip back. That he reveres his abusive father is a huge red flag. I think his counsellor's advice is half-arsed. It may be what he considers best for your brother, but it completely fails to acknowledge that he is asking victims to protect their abuser. The counsellor may be a MH professional, but they're not very good at their job.

Bottom line, I'd have no contact at all with your brother and I'd put your mother on notice that she's one emotional blackmail away from being cut off completely. Or, if waiting for that next emotional blackmail is too onerous, I'd cut her from my life too.

She does acknowledge that smacking us was wrong, but it was the ‘70s and early ‘80s and smacking was acceptable then and it was particularly recommended in conservative Christian circles. She doesn’t understand that she was emotionally neglectful, she always thought she was completely there for us.

Why is your mother apparently significantly more concerned about your brother's feelings and well-being than yours or your sister's? I'd say no to any contact with your brother, for you and certainly for any minor children (after 18 they can decide), and if that means your mother stays away then so be it.