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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

To want nothing more to do with my friends

94 replies

bottletop26 · 29/11/2025 21:43

I am part of a good friendship group. We are all in our 40s and have been friends for 15+ years. It is a mix of male and female. Everyone is married and all have children.

last weekend we all went out for dinner. Partners included. I don’t know the partners very well they only sometimes come out with us but we would certainly stop and chat if bumped into them somewhere. We just have no contact really unless it’s a group thing.

Anyway. At the meal one of my male friends and one of my female friends were caught coming out of a bathroom stall together adjusting their clothes. It was not witnessed by me. I didn’t realise anything had happened until the next day when they announced in the group chat that they have been having an affair for over 12 months. They don’t know if they are going to tell their spouses!

I am appalled by them. They both have young children. I don’t want anything to do with them. I met with the others for coffee (pre arranged before this) and left early as this was the topic of conversation.

The others seem to think I am being highly unreasonable by being disgusted with them. I feel if they can betray the person who they have sworn to love, cherish and respect then they can betray anyone. They told me it was none of my business and it isn’t but I certainly don’t want to be part of their betrayal and pretend all is okay.

The whole thing has made me look at the group differently. The two that have had the affair but also the others who just shrugged their shoulders. No one seems bothered about the children and their spouses.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
scoobysnaxx · 29/11/2025 21:50

No id feel the same. Disgusted.

FishFingerSandwichesWithTartare · 29/11/2025 21:54

I would also feel the same, I don’t think you are wrong to feel the way you do.

Shattered2025 · 29/11/2025 21:55

I'm not sure if you're over reacting or not.

I would be horrified too. But that's because I would never make those choices. I'm not sure that I can judge others so easily. People make mistakes. They're messy and complicated and don't always get it right, sometimes for whole phases of their lives. People do bad things. Lie, cheat, steal, kill, drive drunk, hurt people in all kinds of awful ways that I don't even want to think about; sometimes deliberately, sometimes carelessly.

It all depends, doesn't it, on whether these people are the ones that you would show your worst ugliest side to when everything in your life is crashing down around you. If these people are those kind of friends then you might think it only fair to find a way of working through it. If they aren't, then judge away.

TheRealGoose · 29/11/2025 21:56

They announced it on WhatsApp??

Iheartguacamole · 29/11/2025 21:57

No YNBU but when my sil told me about her affair (why she told me I’ve no idea but I wish she hadn’t) she told me her friends told her that loads of people have affairs.
Ummm yeah, skanky people do, not reasonable people

cooksbrandedclock · 29/11/2025 22:01

People fall in lust love - you can’t help how you feel, and all that. However, you can choose how to act. I agree with you @bottletop26 . People who demonstrate such lack of integrity, would be demoted from my friends list to my acquaintance list.

suburberphobe · 29/11/2025 22:03

her friends told her that loads of people have affairs.

Wrong friends. I wouldn't want to hang out with these kinds of people.

JudgeBread · 29/11/2025 22:22

I lost almost my entire childhood friendship group in similar circumstances because I told the cheater if she didn't tell her fiance I would. She didn't, I did, I was ostracised.

No regrets, can't be doing with dishonest people.

blacksax · 29/11/2025 22:28

TheRealGoose · 29/11/2025 21:56

They announced it on WhatsApp??

It's unbelievable what some people say on social media, isn't it?

AgentPidge · 29/11/2025 22:30

I'd feel the same as you, OP. I'd want to walk away and let them get on with it. Having sex in the bogs? Classy.

TomatoSandwiches · 29/11/2025 22:31

I would no longer want to associate with the group if they are so dismissive of deceitful behaviour.

roastedrapidly · 29/11/2025 22:42

I would also be horrified, but I wouldn't shout it from the rooftops, you don't need to use this as an opportunity to show your morality, it's not about you.
If you feel better distancing yourself from them and the friendship group then do so, or only offer your opinion or advice when asked.

This affair will not end well, they never do. This isn't about you or your moral compass though, not everything needs to be about you proving your point.
It is sad for the people involved and their poor families that will inevitably implode, but your opinion is irrelevant and has no bearing on the outcome.

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/11/2025 22:45

JudgeBread · 29/11/2025 22:22

I lost almost my entire childhood friendship group in similar circumstances because I told the cheater if she didn't tell her fiance I would. She didn't, I did, I was ostracised.

No regrets, can't be doing with dishonest people.

Did her husband leave her? Sorry that happened, awful for you.

Samedaysameshit · 29/11/2025 22:47

Sounds you you have discovered your the only one in the group with any standards.
Time to find another group.

Cynic17 · 29/11/2025 22:50

You have no idea of the full story, OP. And if they're your friends, then you stick by them.... how about a bit of tolerance and compassion, because I suspect they don't have an easy time ahead of them.

IndigoIsMyFavouriteColour · 29/11/2025 22:53

I would feel the same OP. Not the sort of people I would want to be associating with.

Chinsupmeloves · 29/11/2025 23:00

I would expect my friends to feel the same as me and tbh they would.

BunnyOnTheOnion · 29/11/2025 23:00

Affairs happen.... but having a fumble in the loos at a party and while partners and friends are there? Brazenly announcing it in group WhatsApp and making others complicit in the deceit? That is just cruel and disrespectful to their partners and their friends. That would be what upset me, more than the affair itself.

HighlyUnusual · 29/11/2025 23:03

I am quite tolerant as in don't judge my very close friends, but I wouldn't want to be involved in a group who want cheerleading on WhatsApp and everyone else to lie for them. I would also advise a close friend to stop any affair. This sounds awful, OP, and would put me off the group.

JudgeBread · 29/11/2025 23:09

AnneLovesGilbert · 29/11/2025 22:45

Did her husband leave her? Sorry that happened, awful for you.

Yeah, he and I are good pals now, that's one good thing that came from it!

lovemetomybones · 29/11/2025 23:19

BunnyOnTheOnion · 29/11/2025 23:00

Affairs happen.... but having a fumble in the loos at a party and while partners and friends are there? Brazenly announcing it in group WhatsApp and making others complicit in the deceit? That is just cruel and disrespectful to their partners and their friends. That would be what upset me, more than the affair itself.

I agree with this, but I will add that you really don’t know what happens behind closed doors, you don’t know the state of their relationships. People have affairs for many reasons but the commonality is that most are unhappy for one reason or another- you don’t have an affair if your relationship is fulfilling and happy. Not that I excuse affairs, but they aren’t just a lust filled bonk fest. And almost always it ends in disaster whatever happens.

The way they conducted themselves was disgusting- but the motivation and reason behind the affair you are not fully aware of so don’t judge. As for those who cheat will lie and scheme to everyone in their life is ridiculous.

blacksax · 29/11/2025 23:26

I've never heard of the term 'bathroom stall' before.
Confused

ReleaseTheDucksOfWar · 29/11/2025 23:30

Cynic17 · 29/11/2025 22:50

You have no idea of the full story, OP. And if they're your friends, then you stick by them.... how about a bit of tolerance and compassion, because I suspect they don't have an easy time ahead of them.

The partners and children are going to need an awful lot more compassion.

Very occasionally maybe you can see why extra marital affairs happen, life can get very messy in its more tragic corners, but this doesn't sound like that. Even when exit affairs happen it can still be devastating for the children.

I wouldn't see my friends in the same light either OP, and nor could I ever trust them again.

DarkSunrise · 29/11/2025 23:30

I agree with you OP, I’d be disgusted about every part of this, both from the couple concerned and from the rest of the group who apparently thinks it’s ok.

I disagree with the “we shouldn’t judge” approach. This is deliberately immoral, deceitful and cruel behaviour. We should absolutely judge them.

JadedVeryJaded · 29/11/2025 23:39

blacksax · 29/11/2025 22:28

It's unbelievable what some people say on social media, isn't it?

Agree 🤭
So they had a quickie in the restaurant toilets during your meal together???