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Original poster

To want nothing more to do with my friends

94 replies

bottletop26 · 29/11/2025 21:43

I am part of a good friendship group. We are all in our 40s and have been friends for 15+ years. It is a mix of male and female. Everyone is married and all have children.

last weekend we all went out for dinner. Partners included. I don’t know the partners very well they only sometimes come out with us but we would certainly stop and chat if bumped into them somewhere. We just have no contact really unless it’s a group thing.

Anyway. At the meal one of my male friends and one of my female friends were caught coming out of a bathroom stall together adjusting their clothes. It was not witnessed by me. I didn’t realise anything had happened until the next day when they announced in the group chat that they have been having an affair for over 12 months. They don’t know if they are going to tell their spouses!

I am appalled by them. They both have young children. I don’t want anything to do with them. I met with the others for coffee (pre arranged before this) and left early as this was the topic of conversation.

The others seem to think I am being highly unreasonable by being disgusted with them. I feel if they can betray the person who they have sworn to love, cherish and respect then they can betray anyone. They told me it was none of my business and it isn’t but I certainly don’t want to be part of their betrayal and pretend all is okay.

The whole thing has made me look at the group differently. The two that have had the affair but also the others who just shrugged their shoulders. No one seems bothered about the children and their spouses.

Am I over reacting?

OP posts:
OwlReader · 30/11/2025 08:58

I thought this was a young person's game until my Mum started having an affair at 76.

Other than sexed up young people with pressure cooking libidos, you normally have to be in a good stable or comfortable position to feel outwardly attractive, and that could well be a result of being in a decent marriage for the most part. Which is rather ironic. If they are prepared to upturn their lives.

My Dad's best mate ran off with my Mum, it wasn't ideal!

Zempy · 30/11/2025 09:02

Sex in the bogs?

That would be enough for me to hoist my judgy pants tbh.

Sometimeswinning · 30/11/2025 09:09

I remember years ago objecting to the same scenario and being shouted down. Turned out the affair was closely connected to one of the other friends. Suddenly everyone had the same opinion as me!

Cakeandcardio · 30/11/2025 09:23

I certainly would not view my friends the same way and wouldn't feel I could continue being the same with them

OhDonuts · 30/11/2025 09:23

I would feel the same OP.

It is not just the affair - it’s them dragging you into it by telling you all on WhatsApp. You are all now complicit in betraying their spouses too.

The fact they went into the toilet cubicle together when you were all on a night out is quite skin crawling too. I take it their spouses were also on the night out, so could have easily been caught by them? They don’t sound like they have very good morals. While they continue to lie to their spouses I certainly couldn’t continue to spend time with them.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 30/11/2025 09:28

You can’t control if you genuinely fall in love, or lust, with someone.
You can control whether you act on that e.g. going into a public toilet to have sex, cheating.

Many years ago, and again recently, there was a similar situation in my workplace. Others coo-ed and gossiped, I had to distance myself and refuse to get drawn in. It does leave you on the periphery. Rather than just go silent I’d suggest having a one-to-one chat with someone you’re closer to in the group to explain your position. I’m guessing there are others with similar feeling who don’t want to speak up. Let the group know gently.

Mollydoggerson · 30/11/2025 09:30

Were they coked up, to do something so brazen?

That will be the next revelation.

blacksax · 30/11/2025 10:31

OhDonuts · 30/11/2025 09:23

I would feel the same OP.

It is not just the affair - it’s them dragging you into it by telling you all on WhatsApp. You are all now complicit in betraying their spouses too.

The fact they went into the toilet cubicle together when you were all on a night out is quite skin crawling too. I take it their spouses were also on the night out, so could have easily been caught by them? They don’t sound like they have very good morals. While they continue to lie to their spouses I certainly couldn’t continue to spend time with them.

Toilet cubicle, bathroom stall, whatever, and with their partners present. Announcing it all over social media too. Unbelievable, really.

Theseventhmagpie · 01/12/2025 18:49

I would judge them as well OP. I would be disgusted and want nothing to do with them.

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 01/12/2025 19:06

bottletop26 · 29/11/2025 21:43

I am part of a good friendship group. We are all in our 40s and have been friends for 15+ years. It is a mix of male and female. Everyone is married and all have children.

last weekend we all went out for dinner. Partners included. I don’t know the partners very well they only sometimes come out with us but we would certainly stop and chat if bumped into them somewhere. We just have no contact really unless it’s a group thing.

Anyway. At the meal one of my male friends and one of my female friends were caught coming out of a bathroom stall together adjusting their clothes. It was not witnessed by me. I didn’t realise anything had happened until the next day when they announced in the group chat that they have been having an affair for over 12 months. They don’t know if they are going to tell their spouses!

I am appalled by them. They both have young children. I don’t want anything to do with them. I met with the others for coffee (pre arranged before this) and left early as this was the topic of conversation.

The others seem to think I am being highly unreasonable by being disgusted with them. I feel if they can betray the person who they have sworn to love, cherish and respect then they can betray anyone. They told me it was none of my business and it isn’t but I certainly don’t want to be part of their betrayal and pretend all is okay.

The whole thing has made me look at the group differently. The two that have had the affair but also the others who just shrugged their shoulders. No one seems bothered about the children and their spouses.

Am I over reacting?

Tricky tbh.
My best friend had an affair with an engaged man at work who's fiance was pregnant.
I wasn't best pleased with her lack of judgement but she is my best friend and felt she needed me to stand by her through this stupid mistake she was making.
Obviously the guy ditched her once he got cold feet and thought his fiance might find out. My friend was a complete mess as she then realised what a fool she'd been. Then to top it all off, her husband caught wind of something being up and tried to get information out of me! Talk about a tangled web of destruction......
Anyway, I stuck by her as she is my friend and her friendship means a lot to me.
If you dont care about these people being in your lives then move on. If you do, suck it up and be a friend

Yellowshirt · 01/12/2025 19:22

I'm afraid it's the world we live in.

Me and my wife went for a night out with another couple. We went to a lovely restaurant. Then back to this couples house for drinks before heading off to a late night bar/nightclub in Wolverhampton as it was this places last ever night before closure for good.
2 months later we are on holiday, myself, wife and my 9 year old daughter in Crete. This is where I found out my wife had been sleeping with the bloke from the other couple and it was just a sick sick game to them both and how they got their kicks.

I was even stupid enough to hang around for another 4 years being strung along trying to save my marriage. What an idiot.

Meanwhile she was convinced this bloke loved her and was going to leave his girlfriend. Oh dear you absolute fool .🤣

JLou08 · 01/12/2025 19:54

One of my friends had an affair. I didn't like it and I told them so. I liked it even less when they started meeting in public and didn't make much of a secret of what was going on. It didn't change the friendship other than a few cross words. My loyalty is with my friends, not their spouses. My friends aren't perfect, but we share deep bonds and they bring a lot to my life. Some things I couldn't get past such as sexual assault or child abuse but I wouldn't end a friendship over an affair.

changeme4this · 01/12/2025 19:57

What happened in my experience was when the partners found out, people like myself were blamed for ‘telling’ when it hadn’t been any of us at all (their vehicles were spotted together at a very public spot close to work and home).

I also found out I was being used as an excuse for one of them not to be at home. Ie she was coming out with be for dinner or a concert. So when I did ask, she wasn’t available because apparently we had already been out recently.

so yes I would avoid them at all costs until they have sorted out their mess.

changeme4this · 01/12/2025 19:58

Me not be… ^

Lovehascomeandgone · 01/12/2025 22:28

I would be disgusted too, you definitely aren’t being unreasonable

Booboobagins · 01/12/2025 23:04

Yes you are overreacting imo because there is nothing you can do about it.

I know having an affair is about the lowest thing you can do to your partner but none of us can stop ourselves falling in love.

Don't stop seeing your friends because of this.

catlover123456789 · 01/12/2025 23:22

Now they've involved you in their deceit, so its become your business. If they valued the friendship they should have kept their mouths shut. I think how your other friends react to the news will give you a good indication of whether you have the same values and morals. If you don't, I would quiet quit the group and keep your distance.

Brutalass · 02/12/2025 08:03

@cynic17 full story or not - I'm not sure any excuse could make up for breaking up two families and destroying children's lives - however bad things were! There's a way to do these things without having a sordid affair in a bloody bathroom stall in a public place and then announcing it on WhatsApp for goodness sake!

Clearly you and I are from different moralistic circles - I'll happily stick to mine thanks!

OP - I'm with you - I'd gladly walk away from those shady shenanigans and all those who thought it was perfectly acceptable and just gossip fodder!

Those poor kids!!

CoachNot · 09/12/2025 03:12

Cynic17 · 29/11/2025 22:50

You have no idea of the full story, OP. And if they're your friends, then you stick by them.... how about a bit of tolerance and compassion, because I suspect they don't have an easy time ahead of them.

Affairs destroy people. Their partners sexual & mental health are at risk.

reabies · 09/12/2025 09:36

Yikes this is gross behaviour. I would be distancing myself from the two involved for sure. Something like this would absolutely rip my similar friendship group apart, I'm so surprised your other friends are not bothered by this. Announcing it on a whatsapp group is absolutely wild. Are you all expected to just keep your mouths shut and keep their dirty little secret for them?

Nantescalling · 29/01/2026 14:42

JudgeBread · 29/11/2025 22:22

I lost almost my entire childhood friendship group in similar circumstances because I told the cheater if she didn't tell her fiance I would. She didn't, I did, I was ostracised.

No regrets, can't be doing with dishonest people.

So you still think you did your duty in sabotaging their relationship?

20thCenturyFecks · 29/01/2026 15:04

I think you're being a bit po-faced.

Don't speak to those people but don't throw away the entire group. They, including you, aren't responsible for the pair's behaviour.

If your expectation is that group casts them out then you should be the one to leave.

abracadabra1980 · 29/01/2026 15:12

I wouldn't stay silent about this at all if it were my friendship group, appalling behaviour. It's a devastating situation for the victims and their families and I like to think adults and more so friends, need to impress these morals.

FerriswheelsKissesandLilacs · 29/01/2026 15:51

My DH's ex was having an affair with his friend and it got more and more brazen up to the point that they were holding hands under the table when he was at the bar getting a round in. His friends obviously knew (and told him) and he did too but when he asked her she denied it and said he was being paranoid. They were married in August and the affair was definitely in full swing by October when she brought the other man to DH's sister's birthday (SIL didn't even know him and DH wasn't there). They had a young child and DH was made to feel like he was insane and jealous. In January, she told him that she'd found him a room to rent and he needed to move out so she could move the new guy in.

If they are at the point where they'll happily announce the affair on SM, their spouses almost definitely know and are either OK with it, or too beaten down and confused to know what to do, or are making plans to expose it and leave. Telling them probably won't add much value except to embarrass them even more.

If you can get some photo evidence (including screenshotting that WhatsApp message) then that could really help the spouses out with divorce proceedings.

WatalotIgot · 29/01/2026 17:33

Lots of people (at least 50) knew about my H and OW and didn't hint or say anything. Four or people hinted but I didn't think it was true (it was). I'm totally disgusted at the larger group, but I don't know what I would do in these circumstances.