To want nothing more to do with my friends

[bottletop26]

I am part of a good friendship group. We are all in our 40s and have been friends for 15+ years. It is a mix of male and female. Everyone is married and all have children.

last weekend we all went out for dinner. Partners included. I don’t know the partners very well they only sometimes come out with us but we would certainly stop and chat if bumped into them somewhere. We just have no contact really unless it’s a group thing.

Anyway. At the meal one of my male friends and one of my female friends were caught coming out of a bathroom stall together adjusting their clothes. It was not witnessed by me. I didn’t realise anything had happened until the next day when they announced in the group chat that they have been having an affair for over 12 months. They don’t know if they are going to tell their spouses!

I am appalled by them. They both have young children. I don’t want anything to do with them. I met with the others for coffee (pre arranged before this) and left early as this was the topic of conversation.

The others seem to think I am being highly unreasonable by being disgusted with them. I feel if they can betray the person who they have sworn to love, cherish and respect then they can betray anyone. They told me it was none of my business and it isn’t but I certainly don’t want to be part of their betrayal and pretend all is okay.

The whole thing has made me look at the group differently. The two that have had the affair but also the others who just shrugged their shoulders. No one seems bothered about the children and their spouses.

Am I over reacting?

My guess is that the rest of the group, the “shrugged shoulders” lot, already knew and that’s why their response has been more muted than yours OP.

In your shoes I would struggle to be civil to the cheating pair. But I wouldn’t want to lose my friendship group over it. Not sure where that would leave me, it’s certainly difficult for you.

Perhaps the Whatsapp announcement indicates that they are about to come clean (or have aleady) with their spouses. Hope so. That may resolve some of the issues for you.

Anyone who supports a cheater deserves to be cheated on in every relationship for the rest of their life

Glad I'm not one of your 'friends'. Friends don't rat on friends or if they do they should feel ashamed. Who are you to police another person's love life?

If your fiance was cheating on you would you not rather know? Especially before getting married?

I agree with you OP, and you're not overreacting. The poor kids.

Did you ever hear about 'choice'? To you it seems as though life is either just black or white but a lot of life is grey. You've obviously never come across grey!

If you're friends with both parties equally, fair enough.

If your friend is cheating on their partner, your role as a friend is to try and talk some sense into them. If it tarnishes your opinion of them that much, end the friendship.

What kind of person makes weird, power trip ultimatums over their friends' relationship?

there are always shades of grey in these stories. Bound to be so
much detail we don’t know that led to this

I have had this situation before a few years ago - she was trying to drag me into her secrecy and I just could not tolerate it. My feelings were the same as yours - if she could do that to her husband she could do anything to me as a friend. The husband strongly suspected there was an affair but it never came ‘out’ fully. They ended up staying together, having another baby and according to social media living in marital bliss.

I ghosted her and felt it was unfair on me to be friends with him too knowing what I knew.

Temptation is temptation, its hard to resist urges, but i think for the sake of friendship hold onto it. If you are asked questions answer them, if you are invited places go. Friendships at your age is really hard to come by and everyone is together. That is pukka.

I think your reaction is spot on. I wouldn't want to be around these people either

Do you mind me asking did you tell her husband?

Announcing an affair in a group chat? That’s bloody weird behaviour. How can they be so delusional confident that it won’t reach their spouses now they are broadcasting it?

Cheating is one thing. Two arsehole people that have no remorse, and want to drag a bunch of people into their lies is another.

I’d be telling their spouses.

I think your reaction is right. I could never be part of the deceit too. I think I’d leave the group and tell the others why. I’m sure there are others who feel the same way and will side with you too.

I’m on the other side of this right now. I’m the betrayed spouse and my husband’s best friend knew. His best friend knows me very well and has been part of my life the last 20 years (admittedly yes via my husband). I’m very upset that he is now supporting my husband and guiding him on how to fight me for house/children in the separation despite telling me he loves both of us.

Absolutely not!
I just said I had no idea what he was going on about and if he had problems in his relationship then he needed to talk to his wife and stop trying to involve me.

You would do well to read this post several times OP.
One of the views that contains advice worth time to consider.

If I felt that strongly about something I would distance myself without announcing it. Leave them to it.

I'm glad I'm not one of YOUR friends. Real friends have one another s backs.

They sound like awful people. You are right to be appalled by their behaviour and want nothing more to do with them.