To want nothing more to do with my friends

[bottletop26]

I am part of a good friendship group. We are all in our 40s and have been friends for 15+ years. It is a mix of male and female. Everyone is married and all have children.

last weekend we all went out for dinner. Partners included. I don’t know the partners very well they only sometimes come out with us but we would certainly stop and chat if bumped into them somewhere. We just have no contact really unless it’s a group thing.

Anyway. At the meal one of my male friends and one of my female friends were caught coming out of a bathroom stall together adjusting their clothes. It was not witnessed by me. I didn’t realise anything had happened until the next day when they announced in the group chat that they have been having an affair for over 12 months. They don’t know if they are going to tell their spouses!

I am appalled by them. They both have young children. I don’t want anything to do with them. I met with the others for coffee (pre arranged before this) and left early as this was the topic of conversation.

The others seem to think I am being highly unreasonable by being disgusted with them. I feel if they can betray the person who they have sworn to love, cherish and respect then they can betray anyone. They told me it was none of my business and it isn’t but I certainly don’t want to be part of their betrayal and pretend all is okay.

The whole thing has made me look at the group differently. The two that have had the affair but also the others who just shrugged their shoulders. No one seems bothered about the children and their spouses.

Am I over reacting?

Thank you for your replies.

we have been through a lot as a group - death of parents, illnesses, etc. I care and love them all.

It’s not about me at all and I have not engaged further with any conversation about the situation.

I won’t tell their spouses. It’s not my place to but I am angry that I have been brought into their deceit by them announcing it on a what’s app group!

We have no plans to see each other before Christmas due to the busyness of the season and I think that will give me time to think about if I feel our friendships can go forward. I don’t want to ‘gossip’ by discussing with anyone in real life so thank you for allowing me to explain my feelings on here.

i get how you feel. However is it worth losing a friendship group over?

Good for you for standing by your morals. I would feel the same and would drop them from my life.

This!! That it’s all so public and acceptable!

I don’t think I could continue to be friends with this group - what a bunch of shallow, duplicitous people.

I’m with you OP. I don’t give a shit about who people fall in love with/want to sleep with, but if either one of them is already in a relationship then that’s disgusting. I couldn’t maintain a friendship with them.

the affair would go against my own moral compass but my friendships run deep through years of illness, child rearing, loss, mental health issues and bankruptcy. I’d support my friend as I always do, in a non judgmental way while having some frank conversations exploring repercussions.

I’d be angry about being brought into it and it would change my opinion of the group. No boundaries, just out for a good time.. If they found out your husband was cheating on you they’d just shrug their shoulders and have a gossip. They’re not the sort of friends I would want.

Well maybe … or alternatively, they could have shown some moral integrity? End one relationship before starting another? Rather than acting impulsively on base animal drives in a selfish way, maybe thinking about the damage they are causing? Yes, I agree the poor things won’t have an easy time ahead of them.

They, though, will be reaping the consequences of their own choices and actions - I would reserve my sympathy to the innocent victims of the hand grenade they are going to throw at their partners, children, and wider family and friend groups. They must be so smug with themselves having a shag in a public toilet and to be still adjusting their dress as they emerge. Let us hope the memory of that 3 minute’s delight in the middle of other people’s dried up poo and urine spray, sustains them whilst they are listening to the tears of those they will hurt.

The affair is disgusting but so is carrying on in toilets. YUK.

The affair is a bit shit, but their lives, not yours.
Having sex in the toilets is grim, and I'd be reconsidering a friendship based on that alone.

I expect most people in the group agree it's disgusting, but worry saying so will see them ostracised. We also don't know what's going on in their lives. The public nature of the fumble tells me they want to get caught.

Ultimately, people will protect their own comfort and that means not doing anything to compromise their social group. They're not that easy to come by.

What would have been an acceptable outcome for you OP? For the rest of the friendship group to ostracize them and vow never to see it speak to them again?

I doubt anyone approves of how this has happened, but personally, my best friends are my best friends through thick and thin. Sometimes people make bad or stupid choices; as a friend I wouldn't approve and I'd be telling them how I felt about it, but I wouldn't turn my back on them over this.

Shagging in the toilet then “announcing” said shagging on WhatsApp whilst their spouses are STILL unaware? No op, you are not over reacting. These are not people I would want to be friends with, because they lack basic decency and are quite happy to shit all over people they have promised to love. The older I get, the less time I have for rancid shite like this.

American name for it.

The spouses/ partners were in the restaurant whilst all this was happening?!

You are not overreacting. It’s so disrespectful to their partners and announcing it over WhatsApp is tacky. They are asking you all to be complicit in their lies. Imagine if their partners had done the same to them how would they feel?

They announced their affair and now expect you all to keep quiet and not question their behaviour. Surely that’s not what friends do.

I agree with you OP.

I can't see this affair staying a secret for very long so it will be likely taken out of your hands. Their lives are their lives.

You are valid in your feelings and you can do what you want with your friendship group in terms of contact.

I understand and also sometimes you just don't want to be surrounded by people like that.

I’m on the fence here. I think it’s fair to state your point (that you don’t approve) and even perhaps say you don’t want to do gatherings mixed with partners while this is going on as it puts you in an uncomfortable position but outside this you are making it all about you which feels like you are going overboard with it.

Dont lose your friends over this. You don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Hopefully you are just venting on here and can go back to largely ignoring it.

If they are that brazen about their affair they won’t have to tell their spouses, they will find out soon enough! I am in two minds, it’s really disrespectful and yes, very morally wrong. But, if these people are your true friends and you don’t know their partners do you not have more loyalty towards them? You don’t know the full story and if it has completely changed your thoughts on them then walk away, but is it worth losing a full friendship group over? Maybe that’s just what your other friends are thinking.

I ld exit the WhatsApp group and avoid the two affair participants. Once the secret is out, the novelty will wear off for them. No need to be an audience to this bull poop.

Nope. You don’t stick by friends who are behaving in a way that contradicts your morals and boundaries. That makes you a hypocrite.

My friend committed suicide when she found out her husband was shagging a mutual friend - I save my compassion from the innocent victims not the ones cheating.

Agree - I sometimes think the “don’t judge” approach has gone too far. Somethings are worthy of judgement and scorn and having an affair with a friend when you are both married for a year, telling your other friends about it and asking them to keep it a secret, is absolutely one of them.

Cheating is quite abusive so you’re totally reasonable not wanting to have anything to do with upholding the facade.