Should I pre-warn my date about my scars?

[ByMintWriter]

So I came out of a LTR 10 years ago and have been on quite a few dates since via online dating. A few guys have liked me but they have been, shall we say mostly odd/weird 🤣 and the ones that I've liked (don't hate me for saying it, but the "normal" ones) invariably haven't liked me. I am wondering if it's because I have scars on my face, which you can't really see in my online dating photos. They were caused by a minor congenital defect which I often don't feel comfortable talking about, as people generally make silly comments that can be quite insulting - obviously unintentionally - but it still hurts. The problem is, whenever I date I always worry that the scars will be an issue and I have no idea whether I should 'warn' a potential date before they meet me in case it is a shock. WWYD? Weirdly I have never discussed my scars with any past boyfriends, and I have loved that as it helped me avoid awkward conversations and really, the scars are not a major part of who I am. But there have been some dates that I have gone on where my date has looked shocked/almost insulted (despite getting on with me so well beforehand) and hasn't wanted to see me again. Although I know there could be many reasons for this, I also know that people can be very prejudiced and it's happened enough for me to think that the scars could be an issue.

So WWYD? Tell them beforehand and possibly lose the chance of a date as it sounds scary, or say nothing and hope they can see past them? FWIW, I am generally very confident, just not in talking about my obvious flaws.

And PS don't hate me for using the word "normal" - I know this is an awful word and there is someone for everyone etc, but some of these guys really have been very strange/weird, at least to me.

I'd just try and add a photo to your profile that shows your face more clearly. Then you don't need to worry about them not knowing, but you also don't need to have the conversation.

I would probably mention it just to save wasting your time and energy on someone who is bothered by it and therefore is the wrong person for you.

Are you sure it’s your scars though? Can you change your pictures to reflect them or do you think maybe you’re more conscious of them than necessary be in real life and could this be affecting your confidence?

I’d do this too, that way people know before they even message you and you don’t need to worry about when to “disclose”, you just get on with getting to know someone who isn’t bothered 😊

I think it’s common for dates to go nowhere but just include a picture where your scars are visible in your profile so you don’t have to give this any headspace.

Is there a way for you to make your scars visible in your dating profile pictures?

It might not be that the scars themselves were shocking to the men you've gone on dates with but that they felt deceived in a way because they didn't see them in your online pictures and so they didnt expect them.

I think that perhaps if you had photos showing them you would filter out anybody for whom this would be an issue and also come across genuine and open yourself creating more opportunities for connection.

I would prefer to have seen a clear photo on profile in advance of swiping/winking/chatting.

I had this exact situation recently (well I don't know the cause of the scars, but otherwise it was the same) and would have preferred to know in advance. The fact I felt like I had been slightly deceived put me off - perhaps unfairly, but I'm afraid that was the result.

Each to their own, but personally I wouldn’t mind meeting someone with scars that I wasn’t already aware of, and I would understand why it wasn’t mentioned, as it can be a very sensitive subject for some.

But in answer to your question, I would do what others suggest and put a slightly clearer image on your profile. It will serve to weed out time wasters (and knobheads that might ask you stupid questions).

If you can’t see them in your photos can they really be that bad? unless there is some major filtering which alters the way you look completely.
I don’t think scarring would put everyone off, it certainly hasn’t put me off, if you fancy someone you look past imperfections. I could be more your self esteem making you feel this way.

I think I’d make sure I had a photo that showed them at least a bit. I’d probably refer to them as being “from an operation I had as a child” if someone doesn't want to meet me after that they can bog off.

I suppose there isn't a lot to lose by letting the date know. If they have no issue with the scars then you can be more relaxed on meeting with one less thing to worry about, which will probably help the date. If they aren't fine about it, then you have dodged a bullet without having to have dinner with an arsehole.

I think that you are having a lucky escape if people are behaving negatively after seeing a scar.
I don't know if I'm misreading this - feels like you are almost apologising for yourself?
Why is a scar anyone else business?

This is the best advice and also helps ward off idiots. I know someone who has a few scars on arms from self harm (not the same I know) and she posted a photo on her profile where they were visible as a way of filtering the genuine men.

I would add a clear photo

Unless your photos show your scars I can imagine why people are shocked. Don’t hide yourself away. Be proud of how you look .

They do show them in the pics but you can't necessarily notice them, if that makes sense. But you would if you met me.

Exactly, I don't want to apologise for myself in advance but honestly it's difficult to tell from a photo - at least I think it is. It's hard to know as nobody is going to be honest about it 😅

Thanks for being honest. I think I would feel the same but I just don't know how to say it without feeling I am putting myself down in advance (as if I ever talk about it, the first thing people assume is that my self esteem is low and I need to be told how beautiful I am etc).

My self esteem is pretty good; it's usually others that have had the issue from past experience. But I have no way of really knowing.

Absolutely not. I’m sadly covered in scars from a very hard time in my life. No one looks exactly like their profile pictures, good lighting, best outfit, makeup etc. If someone has an issue with scars then they aren’t night for you, that’s their choice and ok. You don’t owe them an absolute full disclosure of all elements of your life. Good luck OP x

I would, it will save you wasting your time if the reaction you have previously had has been negative.

I mean, they are genuine photos of my face but not a zoomed in close up of the scar as that would be weird!

You certainly don't need to see it as apologising in advance! Maybe see it more as a moron in filter that saves you time weeding the bad ones.

So would it have stopped you going on the date if you had known in advance? Would it have been a complete turn-off?.

If somebody would need to zoom in on a non-filtered photo for the scars to be visible, it doesn’t sound as though they’re particularly prominent? I suspect you’re overthinking it. A lot of first dates don’t go anywhere, that’s just how it is. They might simply not fancy you, without it being anything to do with the scars, or you just don’t click in terms of personality, sense of humour, or lifestyle. Unless anyone is noticeably balking or seem taken aback when you arrive, I’d just assume that no second date has nothing to do with your face.

If you find it a bit frustrating that so many of your dates don’t go anywhere, are you being appropriately discerning about those you choose to meet? Establishing beforehand that you’re likely to have shared interests and values and lifestyle, so it’s not such a hit or miss exercise when you meet?