Should I pre-warn my date about my scars?

[ByMintWriter]

So I came out of a LTR 10 years ago and have been on quite a few dates since via online dating. A few guys have liked me but they have been, shall we say mostly odd/weird 🤣 and the ones that I've liked (don't hate me for saying it, but the "normal" ones) invariably haven't liked me. I am wondering if it's because I have scars on my face, which you can't really see in my online dating photos. They were caused by a minor congenital defect which I often don't feel comfortable talking about, as people generally make silly comments that can be quite insulting - obviously unintentionally - but it still hurts. The problem is, whenever I date I always worry that the scars will be an issue and I have no idea whether I should 'warn' a potential date before they meet me in case it is a shock. WWYD? Weirdly I have never discussed my scars with any past boyfriends, and I have loved that as it helped me avoid awkward conversations and really, the scars are not a major part of who I am. But there have been some dates that I have gone on where my date has looked shocked/almost insulted (despite getting on with me so well beforehand) and hasn't wanted to see me again. Although I know there could be many reasons for this, I also know that people can be very prejudiced and it's happened enough for me to think that the scars could be an issue.

So WWYD? Tell them beforehand and possibly lose the chance of a date as it sounds scary, or say nothing and hope they can see past them? FWIW, I am generally very confident, just not in talking about my obvious flaws.

And PS don't hate me for using the word "normal" - I know this is an awful word and there is someone for everyone etc, but some of these guys really have been very strange/weird, at least to me.

I can't see the scars on the picture.
I suppose you could try to post a picture where they are more visible.

Some people have liked you, so it obviously isn't putting people off. It's just the same old story that it's difficult to find some you like who also likes you.

You are beautiful, your surgeon did an absolutely incredible job.

I wouldnt ‘warn’ any potential dates. Aslong as you have a few clear photos, like the one you posted above, then I dont see any problem.

If a scar puts off a man, then it has saved you from wasting valuable time on a shallow ridiculous loser.

My baby girl (9.5 months) was also born with a cleft lip. 😊

A very attractive friend joined years ago. First date coffee, shared the bill. Second date a meal. Again split the bill. Third date she cooked him a lovely meal at her place. Afterwards she said it's getting late, she has early starts. His reply was so no sex tonight? He elaborated that men expect sex by this stage and she wasn't cut out for online dating unless she put out. 🙄

I thought they were going to be ritualistic scars! No, you don't need to warn anyone.

I had a friend who had some scarring on her face due to an accident. She was very self conscious of it, and had had multiple surgeries to reduce it. When she told me it took me several seconds with her pointing at the exact place to finally see them.

I can guarantee that that scarring looks ten times more prominent to you than to anyone else.

But from what I gather, assholes are par for the course in OLD.

Oh dear - perhaps I am over thinking then!

Crumbs, you are really over thinking this, my love!

Nothing to report on at all. There is no massive scar. If you warn people they will be expecting something really dramatic . No drama. In conversation if you get deep you can mention you git a repair when a baby. Really no need to mention for a first date at all

You don't need to warn people about any aspect of yourself that you haven't tried to hide. Your scars are none of their business and they can't even be that noticeable if you can't see them in pictures. I'd only raise it beforehand if you felt like it would make you more comfortable to have done so, not because you feel like you 'should' or you owe anyone else an explanation for your own face. If anyone is put off by something so inconsequential then it probably wouldn't have worked anyway.

I would send a message before the date “I’m not sure if it was clear on my photos or not but just to let you know I have a scar on my face, feel free to talk to me about it if you want to when we meet”.

I think most people are familiar with cleft lip scarring and wouldn’t be put off by it, there are plenty of actors it hasn’t done any harm. I think it’s just that internet dating is a thankless task and even the normal seeming people often behave thoughtlessly or seem flaky because of it.

If the scars can't be seen in that photo you posted, I'm struggling to see how they would be significant enough in real life to put someone off who was previously interested. However, maybe it's worth mentioning them in your dating profile? That way it's off your plate, you don't have to be worrying about it, and you've warned people. If anyone is put off by them then there's no point wasting your time with them anyway. They're not the sort of person you want in your life, so you WANT to put them off.

That said, maybe the weird dates you've had are just because the people in question were just weird. From listening to friends who've been on the dating scene recently, there's a lot of it about! It might not be anything to do with you!

deceived how tho? did your photos show your entire body in precise detail? did you lost every single personality or physical flaw? othereise surely you're being receptive when he eventually discovers something about you that is 100% everything he hoped and dreamed for

You have an attractive face with a beautiful smile. I think men will be lucky to out with you. Good luck on dating, it can be a nightmare sometimes.🌷

Get some honest, realistic photos done and replace your profile pics.

I haven’t read the full thread (but skimmed through the OP’s posts)

Did you know that Naomi Campbell says that her favourite thing about her face is her scar from cleft palate surgery? Apologies if that has been mentioned. So no I don’t think it is something very negative and if blokes are put off by it, they weren’t worth getting to know anyway x

Even without the picture, now you’ve said cleft lip I absolutely wouldn’t say it in advance.

It’s not that uncommon, you can sort of tell from the picture even though the scar may not be eminently obvious, and I think it might be good to sort out who is shallow and can’t deal with the “surprise” of the scars - an early red flag detector that you might not get if you ‘warn’ people.

It might be different if it was say, from a car accident, where people might involuntary double take and feel bad about it.

I’ve just googled this and Naomi Campbell has no discernible facial scar and I can’t find any mention that she had a cleft palate?

I can't see anything that would require a conversation/disclose. I agree with the poster above who said that most people would understand what the scars were and wouldn't need an explanation. On that basis, I don't think you need to update your pictures. Fwiw you have a beautiful smile

Same.

Hopefully you'll attract less shallow dates.

Sorry just saw your pic. Sounds like it isn't that noticeable?
Which dating sites are you using? A friend is using them and says there's often the same men on them all.

Have you tried Meet up or other ways to socialise? Maybe meeting men at a hobby or interest might be good?

Naomi didn’t have a cleft palate, that was just urban myth,

Apologies, my comment seemed harsher than i meant to be!

Seen your pic, youre lovely by the way, and yes you can see something is a little different, the pic is perfect.

I can’t see the scars either. On the next one maybe you want to post a close up of the scar to that person before meeting? I honestly don’t think it is the scars that was the issue though

Thank you

I agree with others, there’s nothing to pre-warn about in your case. I can’t imagine that the men you didn’t want a second date with yourself are wondering whether they should have disclosed whatever physical flaw they think in their heads might have put you off them! It’s disheartening when people you’d like a second date with aren’t interested; but just see it as having met an interesting person for some good conversation, and an indicator for yourself of confirming what it is you’re looking for in a potential partner.

Seeing photos of somebody and thinking they look attractive, and then meeting them in the flesh and just not feeling any attraction, is totally normal. It doesn’t mean there’s anything unattractive about you (you’re an attractive woman), it’s one of the difficulties of online dating, it’s hard to gauge from a profile a sense of a “whole person” which is ultimately what makes up chemistry and attraction - just as you’ve said there have been many men you didn’t want a second date with, despite obviously initially feeling from their photos and profile that they were possibilities.