I really have messed up

[Sweetielou]

My husband passed away 29 months ago , im just about getting my head together and started seeing a guy in August, it a guy I know and had dated over 30 years ago . Everything was going ok but he was a bit intense and talked about our future a lot , we booked a holiday for next year but all was happening to soon. Stupidly instead of talking to him about it I sent him a message and ended it (completely out of order i know). I said i still missed my husband and wasn't sure that im ready .
He messaged me back good luck and good bye .. a few days after his mum passed away so I called him to say sorry about your mum which he replied its none of your concern and put the phone down on me ( completely what i deserve).
He has now blocked me on facebook but not on WhatsApp so I respect his boundaries and have not contacted him .
I miss him a lot and im so angry with myself for ending things the way I did 🥲

Being widowed is a life changing experience OP. Apart from the grief and loss of the actual person you have lost you have to adjust to a whole new life being thrust upon you.

You reached out to this man in an act of kindness when you heard about his loss. So don't beat yourself up about that.

And be kind to yourself also.

I don't think you were out of order. It does sound like it was moving too fast, he was too intense, and you weren't ready or enjoying it. You're doing fine. Book yourself a nice holiday instead.

Honestly I feel like you've dodged a bullet here his reaction is completely unpleasant and shows he's not that nice a person.

Look after yourself 💕

Thank you for your replys , it has made me feel a bit better as I've been beating myself up about how out of order I was towards him . I was pretty shocked at how he reacted as he is genuinely a nice guy.

I agree with above poster red flag behaviour to me there. You have been honest and sounds like he was too much. He could of been more understanding and thanked you kindly for being caring about his mum, not being stroppy and saying that. Def dodged a bullet xx hugs xxx

He’s not a nice guy, OP.

He was pushing you, it was too intense, he was an arse when you offered him kind condolences.

You’re missing his company, and you’re missing your DH, but you’ve got good instincts that we’re looking out for you in this instance. Trust them and be grateful for them.

I’m so sorry for your loss and know it must be very hard.

I’m sorry, he’s an arse. You’ve had a lucky escape with that one.

I mean his mum has just died, you could maybe factor that in to his reaction.

You've just dumped him (which is fine) but he's right when says its nothing to do with you.

Yes he was right and its got nothing to do with me but I just wanted to reach out as I thought it was the right thing to do

I also do really care about him and felt sadness for him , I lost my mum 6 months after I lost my husband so I know the pain of loosing a parent.

Of course you miss him, you are only human. Equally, if he was hurt about you ending it, this would only have been compounded with the grief he feels over losing his mum.

I would leave it, and focus on rebuilding your life.

I think you’ve definitely had a lucky escape here.
I wonder if it’s the companionship you’re missing, rather than the person?

You were still grieving and hurt him by being abrupt with him, now he's grieving and you're hurt because been abrupt with you.

Neither of you are in the wrong, grief and hurt can make us act out of character. Give yourself and him both some grace in this situation. Don't try to reach out again though, rekindling a connection while you feel guilty for how you handled the end or because of the bad timing of his mum's death or while he's still in the thick of things are really bad reasons to get back together.

Im not sure how to reply to individual posts but thank you for taking time to reply. Im just going to leave it now and not message him . Hopefully he will be doing ok , hes pretty much going to be on his own and he doesn't have contact with his children , he has had a bit of contact with his daughter which i pushed him to do so when his mum was poorly and his sister lives overseas . I will just focus on myself now and try and move on from the situation which wasn't meant to be x

Im not sure how to reply to individual posts but thank you for taking time to reply. Im just going to leave it now and not message him . Hopefully he will be doing ok , hes pretty much going to be on his own and he doesn't have contact with his children , he has had a bit of contact with his daughter which i pushed him to do so when his mum was poorly and his sister lives overseas . I will just focus on myself now and try and move on from the situation which wasn't meant to be x

Just feeling really rubbish tonight , im just questioning now if I actually did mean anything to him , a guy who said he loved me more than anything and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me , I know it was my doing why it ended 🙄

Too many red flags. He was too intense, probably love bombing you. You expressed doubt and he reacted by blocking you, which is totally over the top. Then he can't be a little gracious when you call to give your condolences. I mean, you aren't enemies.
He doesn't talk to his own children. You had to make him engage with his daughter.
He has a pattern. He uses silent treatment as a weapon. He cannot give you the security you need on your own terms.
Give yourself time to heal but move on and don't look back. I say this kindly..you can do better than be trapped in what will surely be an unhealthy relationship with this man.

Any man you have to push to have contact with his own children is not a catch. Your instinct to end the relationship was the right one but it’s painful because you have experienced so much grief.

Don’t be harsh with yourself, you don’t deserve it.

Thank you for your reply I really did need to hear this , I think it was him just love bombing me and he knows that im probably very vulnerable after loosing my husband. He broke my heart over 30 years ago when he was a jack the lad bad boy. In the past 4 months all he went on about is how I now have the best version of him and would say I promise I will look after you forever... not that I needed to be looked after , just annoyed I gave my heart to him yet again !!!!

I'm sorry you're feeling so bad still @Sweetielou

BTW if you would like to reply to individual posts, you click on the QUOTE button, which is under every post. Example below.

He broke my heart over 30 years ago when he was a Jack the Lad bad boy
It doesn't sound life he's changed then.

In the past 4 months all he went on about is how I now have the best version of him and would say I promise I will look after you forever
What a liar, and how nasty to do that to you.

Well he had just been dumped and lost his mum in a matter of days. That would test anyone's ability to be kind.

Ah thank you 😃

The way he responded when you called him about his mom tells me that he is either very immature or just not a good person. I think your instincts were telling you something wasnt rig

You sound lovely OP. So many red flags with him - and suspect your previous experience of him may have made this worse? Breaking your heart 30 years ago and now love bombing you after losing your husband.

There's some good advice on here about being gentle with yourself. Instinctively you've done the right thing for you and his response confirms that.