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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I really have messed up

84 replies

Sweetielou · 26/11/2025 10:13

My husband passed away 29 months ago , im just about getting my head together and started seeing a guy in August, it a guy I know and had dated over 30 years ago . Everything was going ok but he was a bit intense and talked about our future a lot , we booked a holiday for next year but all was happening to soon. Stupidly instead of talking to him about it I sent him a message and ended it (completely out of order i know). I said i still missed my husband and wasn't sure that im ready .
He messaged me back good luck and good bye .. a few days after his mum passed away so I called him to say sorry about your mum which he replied its none of your concern and put the phone down on me ( completely what i deserve).
He has now blocked me on facebook but not on WhatsApp so I respect his boundaries and have not contacted him .
I miss him a lot and im so angry with myself for ending things the way I did 🥲

OP posts:
sandyhappypeople · 28/11/2025 22:40

As an alternative point of view OP, could he feel angry about the timing of your dumping? If his mum was ill while you were together and passed away a few days after you dumped him, I don't think I'd take a 'checking up' message too well either.

He could just be a bit of a dick in fairness from what you've said, but he is also grieving his mum and he may on reflection feel that your timing and the way you did it was quite hurtful and you messaging him now isn't genuine concern.

Ohnobackagain · 28/11/2025 22:47

@Sweetielou i think he’s used to being in control/doing the dumping. I don’t think he was right for you as others have said, though I understand it is all very hard to deal with.

Original poster
Sweetielou · 28/11/2025 22:51

sandyhappypeople · 28/11/2025 22:40

As an alternative point of view OP, could he feel angry about the timing of your dumping? If his mum was ill while you were together and passed away a few days after you dumped him, I don't think I'd take a 'checking up' message too well either.

He could just be a bit of a dick in fairness from what you've said, but he is also grieving his mum and he may on reflection feel that your timing and the way you did it was quite hurtful and you messaging him now isn't genuine concern.

I do understand why he feels angry with me and I totally deserve it but I also I was there for him when he needed me before his mum passed. I just felt things were to much and I just panicked and ended it , but yes the way I handled it was wrong

OP posts:
Coffeislife · 28/11/2025 22:55

You've done all the right things now forget him. If he gets in touch do not rengage on a relationship level he will not be good for you

Original poster
Sweetielou · 28/11/2025 22:58

MrsOvertonsWindow · 28/11/2025 22:38

You sound lovely OP. So many red flags with him - and suspect your previous experience of him may have made this worse? Breaking your heart 30 years ago and now love bombing you after losing your husband.

There's some good advice on here about being gentle with yourself. Instinctively you've done the right thing for you and his response confirms that.

Thank you , im only now just starting to look back and think there were some red flags . After loosing my husband I never thought I could love anyone again but I actually did love him and thought he felt the same way about me

OP posts:
FateAmenableToChange · 28/11/2025 23:01

I suspect you did not dump him easily, you had reached a breaking point of some sort. And it does sounds like love bombing. And his lack of grace when you called. You'd think after experiencing loss and grief himself he might have learned something. You're lonely and missing partnership, but maybe it's rose tinted glasses with him.

sandyhappypeople · 28/11/2025 23:05

Sweetielou · 28/11/2025 22:51

I do understand why he feels angry with me and I totally deserve it but I also I was there for him when he needed me before his mum passed. I just felt things were to much and I just panicked and ended it , but yes the way I handled it was wrong

Show quote history

It's really hard to know, but if someone I was in love with was supporting me while my mum was seriously ill and dying, but then for no fault of my own (that I knew of) and for no real reason, just dumped me out the blue, I'd be incredibly hurt and confused and would be quite angry at their timing, I'd be heartbroken actually.

So much so that I would not give them the time of day if they tried to get back in contact, so can understand why he wasn't receptive to you contacting him.

You are entirely justified in feeling the way you do though, I just think communication would have been better, you would have had a better idea of the sort of person he really is in how he dealt with your hesitation about the relationship, as it stands you don't know if his reaction is down to his grief or hurt, or whether he is just that kind of guy that doesn't like being told no and would punish you for it.. so it's no surprise you are going to be left with unresolved feelings over it.

I think you must know enough about the guy to know if you've made the right decision or not though, so try not to let it bother you too much, chances are your instincts have steered you correctly, even if the method of ending things has left you feeling bad about it.

Original poster
Sweetielou · 28/11/2025 23:05

FateAmenableToChange · 28/11/2025 23:01

I suspect you did not dump him easily, you had reached a breaking point of some sort. And it does sounds like love bombing. And his lack of grace when you called. You'd think after experiencing loss and grief himself he might have learned something. You're lonely and missing partnership, but maybe it's rose tinted glasses with him.

I literally sat and cried for 2 days after I broke up with him so it definitely wasn't an easy decision that I made. Maybe he just wasn't the person I thought he was.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetielou · 28/11/2025 23:14

sandyhappypeople · 28/11/2025 23:05

It's really hard to know, but if someone I was in love with was supporting me while my mum was seriously ill and dying, but then for no fault of my own (that I knew of) and for no real reason, just dumped me out the blue, I'd be incredibly hurt and confused and would be quite angry at their timing, I'd be heartbroken actually.

So much so that I would not give them the time of day if they tried to get back in contact, so can understand why he wasn't receptive to you contacting him.

You are entirely justified in feeling the way you do though, I just think communication would have been better, you would have had a better idea of the sort of person he really is in how he dealt with your hesitation about the relationship, as it stands you don't know if his reaction is down to his grief or hurt, or whether he is just that kind of guy that doesn't like being told no and would punish you for it.. so it's no surprise you are going to be left with unresolved feelings over it.

I think you must know enough about the guy to know if you've made the right decision or not though, so try not to let it bother you too much, chances are your instincts have steered you correctly, even if the method of ending things has left you feeling bad about it.

Show quote history

Thanks for replying, at the point when I ended it his mum had moved into a care home but was doing ok so her passing was a massive shock. I just need to put it behind me now otherwise I will drive myself crazy but yes I did probably hurt him and that I will always be sorry for 💔

OP posts:
Pollqueen · 28/11/2025 23:26

Sweetielou - you lost your husband and your mum within a short space of time so were obviously reeling. You bailed out of a holiday because you had a wobble. A decent man would have understood this and understood you were still grieving. This bloke didn't, which means he has v little emotional awareness. He was also a shit and hurt you 30 years ago, so he hasn't changed.

Don't beat yourself up over him, he's not worth it

Twistingkelp95 · 28/11/2025 23:41

Sweetielou · 28/11/2025 22:58

Thank you , im only now just starting to look back and think there were some red flags . After loosing my husband I never thought I could love anyone again but I actually did love him and thought he felt the same way about me

Show quote history

Fwiw, I think another potential red flag is the fact that you couldn’t talk to him originally, thus resorting to messaging. If you had felt comfortable talking to him, you would have been able to discuss him coming on too strong. But you didn’t feel comfortable doing that bc he was putting too much pressure on you and you knew how that conversation would go. He has since confirmed that your instincts were right.

Emilesgran · 28/11/2025 23:46

Sweetielou · 28/11/2025 21:35

Just feeling really rubbish tonight , im just questioning now if I actually did mean anything to him , a guy who said he loved me more than anything and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me , I know it was my doing why it ended 🙄

Messaging him instead of having a talk about it may have been a little abrupt, OP, but it's not all that bad.

His overreaction is what's making you feel that it is - but with the other information you've given, I'm inclined to think his reaction wasn't just a spur of the moment annoyance due to his own grief, but rather that he was angry because he lost control of you. He probably felt he could have talked you round if you had been face to face.

In fact I wonder if the reason you couldn't face him and did it by text was because (maybe without even consciously realising it) you also knew that he wouldn't "let" you finish with him if he was there to talk you round.

He sounds manipulative, and quite possibly exploiting your vulnerability after losing your husband. I think you may have dodged a bullet there.

Emilesgran · 28/11/2025 23:47

Twistingkelp95 · 28/11/2025 23:41

Fwiw, I think another potential red flag is the fact that you couldn’t talk to him originally, thus resorting to messaging. If you had felt comfortable talking to him, you would have been able to discuss him coming on too strong. But you didn’t feel comfortable doing that bc he was putting too much pressure on you and you knew how that conversation would go. He has since confirmed that your instincts were right.

Edited
Show quote history

Exactly.

Original poster
Sweetielou · 28/11/2025 23:49

Twistingkelp95 · 28/11/2025 23:41

Fwiw, I think another potential red flag is the fact that you couldn’t talk to him originally, thus resorting to messaging. If you had felt comfortable talking to him, you would have been able to discuss him coming on too strong. But you didn’t feel comfortable doing that bc he was putting too much pressure on you and you knew how that conversation would go. He has since confirmed that your instincts were right.

Edited
Show quote history

I would not have felt comfortable having the conversation with him and thats why I did it by message, It wasn't a horrible blunt message and I did say that I do love you but just need a bit of time ect ect but I would call him later , his response was dont bother calling , good luck and goodbye

OP posts:
LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 28/11/2025 23:49

You TOTALLY dodged a bullet with this man, OP.

He was really love bombing you, trying to get his feet under your table: you've been seeing each other since August- ie 3 months - and he's already telling you "he loved me more than anything"????

BULLSHIT!

Nor because you're not lovable and delightful, OP (you sound lovely). But because over the top statements like this 3 months in are pretty much always a HUGE red flag.

And he has no contact with his children for a reason, OP. He's either a negligent father or he is a bad person who the children have chosen not to see anymore.

And you had no idea that his mother was going to die just after you broke up with him, so his aggressive response to your condolences was completely out of order.

Your instincts were COMPLETELY on the money, OP. Be proud of yourself. If you hadn't listened to those instincts, he would have moved in lickety split and made your life hell while extracting all your resources from you.

You have NOTHING to feel bad about here. And a lot to feel proud about. Brava to you!

Emilesgran · 28/11/2025 23:52

sandyhappypeople · 28/11/2025 23:05

It's really hard to know, but if someone I was in love with was supporting me while my mum was seriously ill and dying, but then for no fault of my own (that I knew of) and for no real reason, just dumped me out the blue, I'd be incredibly hurt and confused and would be quite angry at their timing, I'd be heartbroken actually.

So much so that I would not give them the time of day if they tried to get back in contact, so can understand why he wasn't receptive to you contacting him.

You are entirely justified in feeling the way you do though, I just think communication would have been better, you would have had a better idea of the sort of person he really is in how he dealt with your hesitation about the relationship, as it stands you don't know if his reaction is down to his grief or hurt, or whether he is just that kind of guy that doesn't like being told no and would punish you for it.. so it's no surprise you are going to be left with unresolved feelings over it.

I think you must know enough about the guy to know if you've made the right decision or not though, so try not to let it bother you too much, chances are your instincts have steered you correctly, even if the method of ending things has left you feeling bad about it.

Show quote history

Considering the OP lost her husband, shouldn't she get at least the same level of leeway too?
Even if he was angry, surely basic social politeness would require him to accept her expression of condolences without being rude?
(I'm Irish so maybe our habits around death are more ritualised, but if even your worst enemy phoned you to offer their condolences, I think you'd say thanks and leave it at that? What sort of teenage reaction is it to say "What do you care?" It's bizarre:)

Happyjoe · 29/11/2025 00:07

Sweetielou · 28/11/2025 23:49

I would not have felt comfortable having the conversation with him and thats why I did it by message, It wasn't a horrible blunt message and I did say that I do love you but just need a bit of time ect ect but I would call him later , his response was dont bother calling , good luck and goodbye

Show quote history

He's hurt, it's understandable and now with his mum he'll not have the headspace for you.

Tbh, you may indeed miss him or even feel some regret because you say you loved him but the bottom line is you ended things. It's easy to have a wobble and wonder if done the right thing but if this man was what you needed and the relationship fab, you'd not have ended it or even thought about ending it.

You'll be ok. He will be ok. Just give yourself a hug and be kind to yourself but don't worry about him anymore.

ChiliFiend · 29/11/2025 00:50

LouiseMadetheBestBroccoliPasta · 28/11/2025 23:49

You TOTALLY dodged a bullet with this man, OP.

He was really love bombing you, trying to get his feet under your table: you've been seeing each other since August- ie 3 months - and he's already telling you "he loved me more than anything"????

BULLSHIT!

Nor because you're not lovable and delightful, OP (you sound lovely). But because over the top statements like this 3 months in are pretty much always a HUGE red flag.

And he has no contact with his children for a reason, OP. He's either a negligent father or he is a bad person who the children have chosen not to see anymore.

And you had no idea that his mother was going to die just after you broke up with him, so his aggressive response to your condolences was completely out of order.

Your instincts were COMPLETELY on the money, OP. Be proud of yourself. If you hadn't listened to those instincts, he would have moved in lickety split and made your life hell while extracting all your resources from you.

You have NOTHING to feel bad about here. And a lot to feel proud about. Brava to you!

100% agree with this. You did well to end it. Don't let him confuse you by acting angry with you now - you were completely within your rights to do that.

Ripplemoment · 29/11/2025 02:03

Bullet dodged.
You poor pet.
Widowhood is so hard.
He was a total red glag twat.
Stop beating yourself up..

SugarPlumpFairyCakes · 29/11/2025 05:25

You did the right thing.

Feeling pushed and pressured into a speedy relationship is a nightmare.

Ending it was wise.

Offering condolences to him about his mum was kind.

I really think you should avoid this man now.

Original poster
Sweetielou · 29/11/2025 10:24

Thanks for everyone who has replied and it really has helped. Just one more thing that I've really thought about ... the day of our first date my sister passed away suddenly that morning, we weren't really close but it was a shock and yet another funeral i had to arrange , i messaged him that morning and said im going to have to cancel this evening as my brother has called to say my sister passed away. He did know my sister and all I got back was a message saying no problem . No sorry for your loss or nothing , 3 days later he messaged to say hope your ok and im thinking of you 🙄, the only person he thinks about is himself !!!

OP posts:
TwistedWonder · 29/11/2025 10:52

Honestly OP I’m saying this with kindness but maybe you’re not as headed and ready to move on as you thought as you’ve either not seen or you’ve totally ignored the glaring red flags this man was waving right in your face.

You’re done the right thing ending it but please take time to work on your boundaries and really heal before you date again.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 29/11/2025 11:04

Sweetielou · 29/11/2025 10:24

Thanks for everyone who has replied and it really has helped. Just one more thing that I've really thought about ... the day of our first date my sister passed away suddenly that morning, we weren't really close but it was a shock and yet another funeral i had to arrange , i messaged him that morning and said im going to have to cancel this evening as my brother has called to say my sister passed away. He did know my sister and all I got back was a message saying no problem . No sorry for your loss or nothing , 3 days later he messaged to say hope your ok and im thinking of you 🙄, the only person he thinks about is himself !!!

What a lot of loss OP? No wonder he was able to enmesh you so easily with his love bombing.

Glad that you've found the thread useful. He may be back shortly with another attempt so it maybe worth looking at what you can do for yourself to get some support for multiple bereavements?

It might be time to block him now and just not engage in any further contact? He'll be adept at playing on your feelings of guilt in order to make you feel sorry for him and to draw you in again. You don't have to engage / apologise / make amends or anything.

Original poster
Sweetielou · 29/11/2025 14:35

MrsOvertonsWindow · 29/11/2025 11:04

What a lot of loss OP? No wonder he was able to enmesh you so easily with his love bombing.

Glad that you've found the thread useful. He may be back shortly with another attempt so it maybe worth looking at what you can do for yourself to get some support for multiple bereavements?

It might be time to block him now and just not engage in any further contact? He'll be adept at playing on your feelings of guilt in order to make you feel sorry for him and to draw you in again. You don't have to engage / apologise / make amends or anything.

Show quote history

Im not going to have any contact with him anymore, I have my second session of counselling on Tuesday so hopefully this will help me moving forward x

OP posts:
Original poster
Sweetielou · 29/11/2025 14:39

TwistedWonder · 29/11/2025 10:52

Honestly OP I’m saying this with kindness but maybe you’re not as headed and ready to move on as you thought as you’ve either not seen or you’ve totally ignored the glaring red flags this man was waving right in your face.

You’re done the right thing ending it but please take time to work on your boundaries and really heal before you date again.

Your right and maybe I wasn't ready but he did make me feel very loved and wanted and thats what i fell for i guess. I will be ok and if there is ever a next time I definitely won't be fooled again x

OP posts: