I really have messed up

[Sweetielou]

My husband passed away 29 months ago , im just about getting my head together and started seeing a guy in August, it a guy I know and had dated over 30 years ago . Everything was going ok but he was a bit intense and talked about our future a lot , we booked a holiday for next year but all was happening to soon. Stupidly instead of talking to him about it I sent him a message and ended it (completely out of order i know). I said i still missed my husband and wasn't sure that im ready .
He messaged me back good luck and good bye .. a few days after his mum passed away so I called him to say sorry about your mum which he replied its none of your concern and put the phone down on me ( completely what i deserve).
He has now blocked me on facebook but not on WhatsApp so I respect his boundaries and have not contacted him .
I miss him a lot and im so angry with myself for ending things the way I did 🥲

That's great that you've got outside support. These situations can really make us doubt ourselves.

What? What is it with these ridiculously unrealistic expectations people on here have about men? He just got dumped then his mum died. How the heck do you expect the poor bloke react? He’s been completely crushed and lost two people he loved one after another then the one who dumped him only git back in touch again out of guilt. I think he’s reaction was pretty tame.

"completely crushed" They've only been seeing each other 4 months! He's a fully grown adult man, not a lovestruck teenager.

He could have behaved like a decent person and said thank you for your condolences. That's what normal people do. Instead, he chose to be aggressive and put the phone down on her.

How people behave when you say NO to them shows exactly who they really are.

And in the 4 months they were seeing each other, he was moving very suspiciously fast. ANY guy that says the following shit so early in the relationship should be dumped, because this NEVER bodes well for the woman:

"In the past 4 months all he went on about is how I now have the best version of him and would say I promise I will look after you forever... a guy who said he loved me more than anything and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me"

And he's also a deadbeat dad.

And he clearly doesn't give a crap about anyone but himself:

"the day of our first date my sister passed away suddenly that morning, we weren't really close but it was a shock and yet another funeral i had to arrange , i messaged him that morning and said im going to have to cancel this evening as my brother has called to say my sister passed away. He did know my sister and all I got back was a message saying no problem . No sorry for your loss or nothing , 3 days later he messaged to say hope your ok and im thinking of you"

Sympathy should be reserved for OP, not this red flag wannabe cocklodger.

But what should she have done - not ended the relationship?

She's a widow - apart from the fact of being bereaved herself (and losing adult parents is not the same as losing a partner - and I've lost both mine so I know what that's like - she's also entitled to have doubts about a new relationship, especially if she feels it's moving too fast.

Most of all, and regardless of her own status, she's entitled to end the relationship for whatever reason she wants. She had no idea his mother was going to die, and she wanted to give her condolences - what is wrong with that? If he was angry at her (which he had no right to be really) he could have just thanked her and ended the conversation.

I never messaged him out of guilt , I messaged him because hes just lost his mum and I know how it feels to loose a parent , if I hadn't messaged him it would have made me look very heartless so I was in a no win situation and and looked like a bad person to him either way

Hope you're OK OP? You really don't have to defend your actions on here.
The consensus has been that you've dodged a bullet given everything you've described about him?
I do hope that you've been able to get a bit of head space and to start to rebuild your confidence.

Spousal bereavement, as I know, is the hardest of things. Brain fog, grief, stress etc is just dreadful.

You tried, it didn’t work, so best just move on. 💐

Im doing ok , more angry with myself for being sucked in by him yet again . Feeling very lonely as my last child that lived at home went to Australia for a year in September so the loneliness has hit me hard now

I was thinking similar to this! So many people saying "red flags" and "dodged a bullet". Probably say it about every man and for things like snoring too loud or having a toe thats too long.
Even as a woman (who has been cheated on and heartbroken), I can see the potentional reasoning behind his response. He is human and in grief. I mean before that he also said good luck and goodbye.
He was perhaps also intense because he really liked you. Its off-putting and he needs to dial it down, but thats a conversation not a bullet dodged.

Agree with this. He needed to show more understanding and didn't

I agree with the other posters who say you dodged a bullet. From your post you didn't actually end things but asked for a little space, you weren't to know his mum would die suddenly.
You've done nothing wrong OP so please don't beat yourself up over a man who was text book love bombing you. I expect he will be back in a month or so with excuses and apologies and will try to reel you in again so beware. I'm so glad you are receiving counselling, l think you still have a lot of healing to do so please treat yourself gently and give yourself grace.

I'm so sorry - it must be very tempting to reach out to him in the face of so much loss. Fear of being alone / managing loneliness does seem to be behind why so many women stay with men who are just not good for them

Hopefully the counselling sessions will give you an opportunity to explore this and look at what you can do to help ease those feelings of loss and loneliness?

Well Im assuming that as he was intense in the early stages of the relationship OP must have indicated she wanted to take things more slowly. Surely it follows when you are seeing a recently bereaved person that they will want to take things gently without committing to long term plans. Instead OP reports that he was "talking about their future". He was pushing ahead with what HE wanted, without consulting OP as to how SHE wished to take things. He was failing to respect her implied boundaries.

Yes it would have been better for OP to make her feelings clear without going to the extent of ending things. However these things happen when the other person is not listening. I do agree however that the OP has probably dodged a bullet. Ive ended two relationships with men who were too intense.

If I had a tenner for every person who has failed to respect my boundaries and been pulled up sharp for it I would be a rich woman. And I dont just mean in a romantic relationship. The number of times I have said "I dont want to discuss it" and the other person has gone yammering on or asked me to explain. Usually because they want something from me. I have a special tone for reminding them that the conversation is over and it is not a kindly one.

Thank you 🥰 , i was tempted to message him but I haven't. I have more self respect than that and I wouldn't give him the opportunity to shut me down again. He does still have a key but I won't message, its my sons key that has a leather keyring which says dad and a little photo of my husband in , he knows it will be sentimental so thought he would have posted it through my door or popped it in my mail box by now

It's so tempting if you're having a bad day, feeling stressed isn't it? Well done for understanding that and being able to resist getting dragged back in.

Are you OK with him still having a key? Wouldn't hurt to put an extra bolt on the door if you have any concerns he might turn up unexpectedly? But you know the situation better than a stranger on here so maybe it's not an issue.

I have no concerns regarding him having a key , he only had one because he would come and let the dogs out whilst I was at work . Im sure I will hopefully get it back at some point. If it was just the key I wouldn't be bothered but its very sentimental to my son

Not sure why everyone’s saying she’s had a lucky escape and lots of red flags. The red flags are on OP’s side (getting into a relationship when not ready, booking a holiday then ditching someone by text). She said herself that she didn’t handle it well.

If I booked a holiday with someone who subsequently dumped me by text I’d be pretty pissed off. At least he had the manners to say goodbye and good luck (when lots of men get aggressive and call you names).

You know you handled it badly, OP, but have come on here so everyone can conclude he’s a total piece of shit!

Is he? Because I don’t think that’s the case…

It’s only been three months and you’re still grieving. Don’t give this any further thought. You clearly listened your spidey senses that he really wasn’t a positive force in your life, which is great. Well done at listening to your gut.

Who on earth books a holiday and talks endlessly about the future after 2.5-3 months with someone who is getting back in the game after bereavement?

that’s the red flag - far too fast

I can’t see an issue with booking a holiday with someone 3 months in!

So yesterday I messaged him to ask if he wanted to meet up for a drink ..I think i just wanted to explain why I did what I did , he messaged straight back and said absolutely and then he called me and we arranged to meet later today. He called me earlier to cancel as he finished work early and doesn't want to drive back to my town. I messaged after our call to say I was looking forward to seeing him which he read but didn't reply . Now im feeling really crap because I have given him the upper hand by contacting him

So block him and move on

I think he was a bit pissed when he called me last night , probably for the best if I block him because I think hes just going to mess with my head

@Sweetielou please be kind to yourself and block him.
I am not a therapist but you are probably still mourning the loss of your husband, you are missing your DC and this man feels familiar/comforting in some way.
This site is littered with stories of vulnerable women who have turned to someone from their past - it never, ever works.
This man is not who you thought he was and to be frank his initial reaction to you losing your sister was appalling.
Trust your gut. Your gut told you to walk away because it wasn’t right. Your instinct was correct.
The fact that he didn’t return the key AND the key ring shows he doesn’t give a shit.
He weaponised losing his mother and you ended up apologising.
He’s now messing you around yet again.
I know it’s a tough time of year, it’s easy to think having someone/anyone around might help but this man has the potential to really, really set you back.
If a man is interested you, and cares about you, and knew of the huge loss of your husband he would have walked away with good grace.
This man only cares about himself.
He’s not the solution to your loneliness of grief, he’s just a recipe for further hurt.
Just know if you can ride this out, and block him and stay away, things will get better.

Thank you for your reply, I think after the telephone conversation I had with him last night im pretty much done , when he agreed to meet me today he said you should think yourself lucky as I dont usually give second chances then went on naming his friends who attended his mums funeral and said how bad do you feel now .. he has just made me feel even worse for having a conversation with him and all I did was keep saying I was sorry