To have not told my partner

[wondering133]

I recently joined back onto Facebook to use Facebook marketplace. I don't use it for anything else but when I went back on I found I message from my ex from when I was 17 that he sent 6 months ago. The message said he saw me in a dream and so was saying hi... I ignored it and didn't reply..

Just now I left my phone out on the table and my partner saw that someone's story had come up on my notifications ... the picture was of a different guy and my partner questioned me about it.. I explained why I was on facebook but he said he wanted to see my messages.. so I showed him and he saw the message and is now fuming..

He said it's shady that I didn't tell him and it shows the kind of person I am... maybe I should have told him about the message but my partner is quite jealous and I saw no good in it.... he thinks I now might be having some kind of affair ... should I be apologising for not telling him?

Tell him you are happy to split 50/50 because it gives you both equal time with your son.

See how fast he changes his mind when he realises how much free time you have to potentially meet someone else.

My ex wouldn't even take our children at the same time because he didn't want me to have time to meet anyone. He actually told me that!

You’re not in the wrong. An ex text me a while ago, I didn’t reply but did tell my DH and he was like ??? Why are you telling me? It’s a non event.

I guess put the shoe on the other foot. Would you expect or want to be told. If there was no reply, I don’t think I would.

👏👏👏

TBH i wouldn't have shown him the messages- you are not a child, if he doesn't trust you and you have never given him cause, it needs to be addressed- it's a problem.

Get rid asap

There is no benefit to your child in staying with an abusive man and being abused. If he gets 50% custody, which he may not if he works full time, then it will be difficult for you that much is true. But he will not stay with it, once a shiny new thing comes along he’ll reduce contact as men like this like the power it gives them but don’t like the inconvenience. Hang tight. And know that by separating, you are doing what is best for the child. No one wants to see their mum being abused.

This is the best time to break up. Do it while your child is young as it is harder when they are older. This relationship won’t get any better. He will try to control you more and more and your child will grow up witnessing abuse. The control he is exerting now is already a form of abuse. As for custody, you don’t need to agree to 50/50 if it is not in your child’s best interest. Please find a way out. It is the best chance you and your child have of a happy, safe life.

This!

Remember that this is the man your DS is learning how to be a man and a father from. And yours is the relationship he is going to model his own future relationships on. Is that what you want for your grandchildren?

Why was he looking at your phone? You weren't hiding anything. Why shouldn't you chat with old friends on a message app?
I had a similar situation. It took me a long while to work it out, but from what you say you could well be in an abusive relationship. Please be vigilant and, if this turns out to be the case, then get yourself some help to get out. What seemed to me to be him caring was actually coercive behaviour and it took me a very long time to get out, leaving my confidence dashed and my self-worth at the lowest possible point.
I do hope I'm wrong about your situation.

@wondering133 This!

Take note of what is being role modelled here. And trying to get them to use names not dad, mama, etc., also very concerning.

Seek whatever support you are able to access and please get out of the relationship.

Future you will thank you for it!

You are 100% NOT in the wrong.
You haven't cheated, you didn't even reply to the ex message.
Your husband is a twat!

This OP.
Better to be a single mum (for a bit, I'm sure you'll have a further relationship down the line) than be in the wrong relationship especially one where your child can pick up on things.

Trust me, it's better to be out of a relationship with someone like that than in it!!

If what I've written on here so far is abusive to children I will 100% leave

Please leave.
Firstly, I understand how you can get to feeling this level of control is normal. It isn't. You are supposed to be partners, not his property. His behaviour to you will definitely rub off on his child if you stay, and this really shouldn't be acceptable.
Secondly, kids really don't like seeing their parents miserable and arguing. My parents hate each other, even as young as 8 I told my mum to get a divorce. She didn't, and they are still together and miserable over 30 years later. It has impacted what I see as normal and acceptable, and meant it took me a really long time to leave an emotionally turbulent relationship which shouldn't have lasted more than 3 months after I moved in.

Of course it is. Its hideous, is this the man you want as the full time influence on your children? Modelling to them what a healthy relationship should look like? leave for yourself and the very first poster on this thread had it right- apologise to yourself for not dumping him sooner.
they all want 50/50 to begin with, that's the threat he's using to control your behaviour. He won't in the long run.

It is abusive to your DC. They are being taught to disrespect their mum. They are being taught that it’s really important to be a bully, and push people around. Otherwise you will be the victim.

Your DC will grow up bullying each other, you, and future partners because that’s the choice they have seen modelled. Doormat and bully.

If you push back, they will see aggression and violence as normal in a relationship. You need to let him leave. Plan for it, make it happen.

It's happening.. he's told me he's going to rent a flat for now.. he's also said there are no high quality viable nursery options within 30-40 minutes travel time of my home, and to confirm I am happy with him choosing a location near a high quality nursery ' to ensure (DC) is not disadvantaged.'

What a CAUC... Please seek advice asap as it is clear, he is going to use your child as a pawn to get at you.

So there must have been issues for him under the surface and now you're calling him out, he wants to off....

Honestly OP, it maybe not seem like it right now but this is absolutely 100% the right thing to do.

Sending love and hugs x

And also, absolutely no to the change of nursery!

The problem here is that he’s shown his true colours and it will probably get worse. It would be an idea to have some plans for leaving if it did get worse eg have a safe house you can go to in a hurry, put some money aside each month. Leave a few clothes for you and LO at parents or trusted friends. It may be a one of but does no harm to be prepared.

100% agree

Absolutely, it is abusive if he is insisting on reading your messages. If he is jealous over a non event, he will eventually control where you go and with who. Does he like your friends or has he already said that he doesn't like them and would prefer if you didn't hang around with them. If this has already happened then he is coercively controlling you and that is abuse. You will end up tip toeing around him so as not to put him in a bad mood, or give him any reason to kick off. And I don't necessarily mean physical abuse, just the type of emotional abuse that will eat away at your esteem, until you believe you are not worthy

This man is abusive and I highly doubt he knows about good quality nurseries in your area. This is just another way of controlling you!