To have not told my partner

[wondering133]

I recently joined back onto Facebook to use Facebook marketplace. I don't use it for anything else but when I went back on I found I message from my ex from when I was 17 that he sent 6 months ago. The message said he saw me in a dream and so was saying hi... I ignored it and didn't reply..

Just now I left my phone out on the table and my partner saw that someone's story had come up on my notifications ... the picture was of a different guy and my partner questioned me about it.. I explained why I was on facebook but he said he wanted to see my messages.. so I showed him and he saw the message and is now fuming..

He said it's shady that I didn't tell him and it shows the kind of person I am... maybe I should have told him about the message but my partner is quite jealous and I saw no good in it.... he thinks I now might be having some kind of affair ... should I be apologising for not telling him?

Yes

Without one shred of a doubt on both counts

I actually contacted women's aid regarding another issue in the relationship- they referred me to IDSVA - I sent them screenshots of messages between us - they replied saying from the information I had have given this wouldn’t meet their threshold for support as they only have capacity to support those who are experiencing medium-high level risk domestic abuse.

They suggested I get in touch with Victim Support, as they may be able to support the level of risk I am experiencing which makes me think it isn't that bad..

As often, the first post nails it.
Why are you with this horrible man, OP? Leave.

So this is the very first time anything like this has ever happened, it came completely ftom nowhere and he’s never shown any signs of jealousy or control before?

These don’t tend to be completely isolated incidents but more like part of a wider pattern of red fkags.

Im probably twice your age and I can honestly say hand on heart no man has ever checked my phone, accused me of cheating, told me to apologise when I’ve done nothing wrong, said ‘shame on you’ or told me I had set a low bar. It’s not how normal well adjusted men behave over something minor.

Edited as seen your update - so it’s not an isolated incident then. And just because the level of abuse isn’t enough to trigger women’s aid assistance right now, doesn’t mean there’s not concerns. The only acceptable level of abuse is zero

If you need any level of support regarding risk then it IS bad. I've never had to get in touch with any agencies in any of my relationships - which isn't because all of my relationships have been amazing (they haven't), but none, repeat none have been abusive. The fact that you have had the 50:50 conversation with one another suggests that you both know this relationship is on shaky ground. And even if the former issue wasn't enough in terms of WA criteria - it was enough for you to worry and enough for them to STILL refer you to a support service. Come on this is a bad, bad situation - it might not be the worst, but is it not good at all.

Are you only 18 now? If so that’s far too young to tolerate behaviour like this

Yes.

He sounds like a controlling arse, sorry OP.

I don't think the OP meant she went out with the ex 6 months ago when she was 17.

I think she meant that she went out with him years ago when she was 17, and that he randomly sent her a message 6 months ago.

He sounds fucking awful OP - I would be ending it, honestly

That's right @blacksax and thankyou so much @TwistedWonder and @Arlanymor (and everyone else!) for your posts ... — I’ve read every comment and and hearing your honest thoughts has really helped me.

I’m genuinely grateful for the support and the way you took the time to explain things thoughtfully. It means a lot x

Thinking objectively, what level of abuse is OK? I think the level is none. Do you believe it"s none? Or more than none? And if you belive you have to live with some, why?

Any level of abuse is unacceptable, even low to medium. It's unacceptable for you and even more so for your children.

You have to explain why your on Facebook seriously wow I'm so glad my hubby doesn't control me like that it's not normal

Controlling prick. This won’t get any better.

Just because he isn’t about to batter you doesn’t mean his “low level” abuse is okay. The acceptable level of coercion and abuse in a relationship is none.

I am studying developmental trauma as part of CPD and yes. This one interaction creates damaging conditions within the relationship between you and this man, and him and the children. Both of these things will damage them. And I’m also willing to bet that it isn’t the only damaging, abusive interaction with him. Is it?

He's now said he's leaving because I won't apologise for 'hiding the messages'

I wouldn't care about him leaving but I care about not seeing my son and him going through separation from his parents..

Rubbish took itself out.

I know it's hard. It will improve.

He won't want 50/50 custody OP, he was just using that to threaten you into staying. Good that you now don't have to dump him, be glad the arsehole's gone

Let him.

It's another controlling tactic. He's assuming you will now cry and grovel and apologise to him. Be calm and tell him, 'Yes - I think that's probably best'.

And LET HIM GO. Not your problem anymore. He won't want 50% custody because they never do - it's another empty threat, but if he does then that's 50% of your time you are free to be happy with your child without a twat present, and 50% of your time you are free to go out with mates, other men, read, have a bath, chill.

WIN WIN.

Hes leaving because he wants to leave. Sorry OP.

Hes happy because you gave him an excuse by messaging your exes. Even though you didn’t. It suits his narrative ro tell himself and anyone else that.

Dont be surprised when you hear through the grapevine youve been having multiple affairs etc and how Hes devastated. When the truth is more like HE has been having an affair.

Sorry OP. It’s in the script 😥

Do you really think that's it..? He's making such a big deal of it because he wants to leave?... I think he would have been the same about it at the beginning of our relationship too...

He's making a big deal out of it because he's an abusive, controlling prick. And even if not actively shagging around himself, thinks you're no better than an alley cat.

You shouldn't need referral to ANY services in a relationship. Just because you aren't in immediate danger of being murdered/beaten doesn't mean it's nothing. It's something - a big something.

You've done nothing wrong. He sounds very insecure, and perhaps he is projecting!