To have not told my partner

[wondering133]

I recently joined back onto Facebook to use Facebook marketplace. I don't use it for anything else but when I went back on I found I message from my ex from when I was 17 that he sent 6 months ago. The message said he saw me in a dream and so was saying hi... I ignored it and didn't reply..

Just now I left my phone out on the table and my partner saw that someone's story had come up on my notifications ... the picture was of a different guy and my partner questioned me about it.. I explained why I was on facebook but he said he wanted to see my messages.. so I showed him and he saw the message and is now fuming..

He said it's shady that I didn't tell him and it shows the kind of person I am... maybe I should have told him about the message but my partner is quite jealous and I saw no good in it.... he thinks I now might be having some kind of affair ... should I be apologising for not telling him?

My one year old was just asking for his brother ... I said 'your brother has gone with his dad'.. my partner came in and said 'we do not refer to him as 'dad'.. then my 1 year old said 'mama' and he said 'no we call her (my name) and started saying it' then my one year old started copying and calling me by my first name instead of 'mama'...

im sorry to keep posting these things on here when you've already given me so much advice... I'm just so upset at him doing that...

Genuinely think you have dodged a bullet here and your partner is a gaslighter who (by the sound of it) has sought to justify his immature and controlling behaviour by putting the blame on you. Please view his leaving as a positive thing and let the bastard go. Wishing you all the best xx

I would 100% agree!

I bet he’s the sort of person who is/has had an affair which is why is suspects you of cheating because he has, and if you agreed you had it would make him feel better about his own shitty behaviour. It is always the same with people who are jealous like this.

Thought he'd just left?

Shows he didn't mean it, he was just trying to threaten you into obedience.

Better for a kid to grow up without that sort of everyday abuse becoming normalised, rather than be trained to hate women (including his own mother) for the next 17 years.

The only acceptable risk is none

So you have an older child who isn’t his?

Get both of these children away from him. Before he either starts being abusive to your eldest for having a different dad, or the boys start thinking that the way he treats you is the acceptable way to treat partners.

One or other, if not both, will happen.

Does anyone know if the courts would likely grant 50/50 custody with this kind of behaviour?

You’ve done nothing wrong. He’s giving off worrying signs though.

He's a controlling arse. You have no reason to apologise, because you didn't do anything wrong. You haven't even replied to the message! It's a non-event. I'm guessing your partner doesn't like you having SM, which is possibly why you don't use it?? You haven't apologised, and aren't complying with your partner's demands, so he's threatening to leave. Let him leave if that's what he wants. It isn't really, he just wants to force your hand. He's a nasty, abusive individual. Don't let your children grow up in a household, where they see their Mum having all her self-esteem and self-confidence eroded away. It's damaging for children, growing up in this toxic environment.

Since you say 'partner', may I suggest you think seriously whether you ever want to be stuck with this misogynistic arsehole, as in forever. Nobody should ever have that kind of power over you, it's obscene.

Even if they did, do you really think that it's better for a kid to grow up with abuse going on in front of him 100% of the time or just 50%?

Fuck yeah

What a great example to set your son. Do you want him growing up to think that’s how you treat women? Then the circle continues.

You say you don't want your child to grow up in a separated house but it would be more damaging to grow up in an abusive house hold. His abuse is subtle but control is creeping and insidious and gets into every facet of a relationship. I am surprised Womens Aid fobbed you off. This is a hige thing to be faced with right now so it's not about making an immediate decision but it is about being aware of your circumstances. Stay safe.

I'd eat my left arm if when it came to it he actually WANTED 50/50

Many men always spew this nonsense to try and control the narrative but I am yet to actually meet a man that happily has his kids half the time all the time.

Within a couple of weeks he will be palming the kid off on you because 'he needs a life too' and you're 'controlling and restricting him'.

It's in the abusers handbook.

It's bollocks to Tey and frighten you and will very likely not last more than a month

Can you start keeping a diary of these things, screenshot messages etc to have something to show the courts?

Thankyou everyone I know you are all right.. your messages are giving me more support than you know..

Yes I've been keeping screenshots of messages and a diary.. xx

Very few men want 50%.

They might say they do. They might even use it as a threat. But I can promise you that in reality, they just don't. It never lasts. They don't want the inconvenience of it all.

Thankyou.. he will definitely want 50%.. I know him and he absolutely will make sure he gets it..

Does he currently work full time?

He does but he has his own business so is control
of his own hours..

Once you're away from him, I'd subtlety hint that I wanted 50% to date. Watch him not want it then!

Partners who put this kind of shit down about wanting to see your messages etc are often projecting, OP. Might he have a guilty conscience? Either way you’d be better rid, for your sake and your kid’s. It’s simply not the case that a terrible father is better than an absent one. In fact in my experience the best thing some men ever do for their kids’ welfare is piss clean off.

He can say what he'd "accept" until he's blue in the face.

Has he really got you so ground down that you just believe whatever he says is a fact? You know, he isn't actually superior to you and does not get to dictate reality.