Would you be disappointed in your child for breaking off an engagement?

[daisychainxoxo]

Context: I want to end my 6 year relationship. We got engaged last year but haven’t done any wedding planning. There’s no major issue like cheating or abuse but I’m just not happy at all. It’s just been lots of little things that have built up resentment over time and I feel like there’s nothing left in the relationship that’s serving me or bringing me joy. He misses the mark on all of the little things that are important but will offer ‘grand gestures’ that look impressive to the outside i.e. buying a specific engagement ring I had jokingly wanted since I was around 10 as I didn’t ever imagine it would be realistic.
My parents both love him and obviously see the big gestures and think he’s amazing. I haven’t divulged any of the smaller issues because I didn’t want it to taint anything if we did stay together which is a regret now.
I am partly holding on to the relationship for fear that my parents are going to be disappointed and upset with me for doing it. I don’t know how to begin to tell them why I’ve made the decision without sounding petty for bringing up lots of little things after breaking it off.

Looking for advice from parents of adult children on how you would handle it if this was your child.

Thank you all for your lovely comments, I really appreciate them.

My parents are great and I have no real reason to suspect they’d be openly upset about it to me, I guess it’s just an internal fear of disappointing them but hearing all your comments has really reassured me and made me feel a lot better about a big decision.

If my child, or anyone else, broke off an engagement, I'd assume they had good reason for doing so.
Any disappointment would be about the fact that my child has been unhappy. I certainly wouldn't them to go ahead with a wedding to a person who wasn't making them happy.
But OP, it's really concerning that you think anyone else's opinion should affect whether or not you break off the engagement. Have courage in your own convictions.

You can't stay with someone for your parents sake whatever they might think.

The sooner you end it with someone that is not right for you the sooner you can find someone that is.

This.

OMG, you can’t marry the wrong man for your parents’s sake. Your parents should be delighted you are strong enough to break off the engagement.

The only appropriate response from them is love and support. Any other response is about them and their thoughts like ‘what will the neighbours think’ and so on. You don’t need to go into details, it’s no one’s business or right to decided if you should be with him. You’d extend that right to anyone else so stand firm in your agency. Shut down anything that isn’t love and support. Dont answer questions out of discomfort. You can preclude any discussion with them that you’re not looking for or wanting advice you need kindness and understanding. Be proud of your clarity!

If it’s not right it’s not right !
Have seen the outcome of NOT making the right decision .One a cousin who couldn’t “get off the wedding train “ once plans were made and admitted she knew it was the wrong decision as she walked up the aisle and a friend who pulled out of his wedding a week before .
So much heartache would have been saved if they had made the decision earlier .

And hopefully there’s nothing but support if you decide not to go through with it .

On my wedding day my father was in the car, taking me to the register office, he said to me “ Are you absolutely sure you want to do this? Because if you are not, don’t “.
It wasn’t that he didn’t like my fiancé, he did, but he wanted to be sure I was doing the right thing. I also think he thought it was his duty to make sure I was happy.
This is the same man who, when I was 16 and crying at night- I was probably depressed and couldn’t really explain why said “are you pregnant?” I said “I don’t know.”, I knew I wasn’t. His response was “Don’t worry, if you are we’ll sort this out “
All he ever wanted was to make sure I was happy.

I’m sure your parents feel the same way.

I would be sad at the situation (sad that you were unhappy) but proud you'd gad the courage to end it.

At the point you divorce in the future (as would be inevitable) if you told me you only married him to make me happy, I’d be mortified.

Also-don’t underestimate how much parents notice things. When my daughter broke up with a long term partner she apologised to me because she knew I liked him. I did like him and he wasn’t awful-but I KNEW he wasn’t right for her.

I would be proud of you for being strong enough in yourself and your feelings to know that this isn't right for you. I would be worried for you but I would be holding your hand.

My parents were very much of the generation that you “need” a man. It was unfathomable to them that a woman could earn a good salary and support herself. So, they would have been disappointed and scared if I’d called off an engagement.

im in my late 50’s now and had it not bern expected, had I seen women living independently and earning good money I’m not entirely sure I would have married. Even tho I have an IT degree, it never really occurred to me that I could be self sustaining!

what I’m trying to say is that you should do what makes you happy. If your parents are disappointed, that’s unreasonable of them and they’ll get over it and love and support you anyway. Live your live for you, not others.

DD did this,6 months before the wedding. It was a shock at the time as we liked,and are still in contact with her then fiancé,but it was the right thing for her,and ultimately also for him. It wouldn't have lasted. It was a brave decision.

Why would they be disappointed that you have made a sensible adult decision in a difficult situation?

Parents establish warm relationships with their AC's partners ... life would be difficult if they did not ... and they do feel their own disappointment when those ties are severed. But they are not disappointed in their own child for having the courage to extricate themselves from a situation that they have decided is not for them.

don’t
maybe presume that they like him
as uncomplicatedly as you think -
their approval may be mostly based on the fact that you haven’t revealed your misgivings. so break it off - it’s the best thing and any decent parent will be relieved as a divorce would be much more difficult .