Would you be disappointed in your child for breaking off an engagement?

[daisychainxoxo]

Context: I want to end my 6 year relationship. We got engaged last year but haven’t done any wedding planning. There’s no major issue like cheating or abuse but I’m just not happy at all. It’s just been lots of little things that have built up resentment over time and I feel like there’s nothing left in the relationship that’s serving me or bringing me joy. He misses the mark on all of the little things that are important but will offer ‘grand gestures’ that look impressive to the outside i.e. buying a specific engagement ring I had jokingly wanted since I was around 10 as I didn’t ever imagine it would be realistic.
My parents both love him and obviously see the big gestures and think he’s amazing. I haven’t divulged any of the smaller issues because I didn’t want it to taint anything if we did stay together which is a regret now.
I am partly holding on to the relationship for fear that my parents are going to be disappointed and upset with me for doing it. I don’t know how to begin to tell them why I’ve made the decision without sounding petty for bringing up lots of little things after breaking it off.

Looking for advice from parents of adult children on how you would handle it if this was your child.

I adore my daughters boyfriend and I’ve often told her that if she ever wanted to leave she’d have our (her parents) full support; a room to stay in and no questions asked until she’s ready.

I left an engagement and my parents were relieved because apparently they never thought I looked truly happy. When I got engaged to my now husband they were totally different.

I would be so proud of them for being true to themselves. I would be absolutely gutted if my adult children made a decision like that based on protecting my feelings. You know what you need to do, best of luck to you.

Do you need to share specific reasons for breaking up? If you said you're not happy with him any more and can't see a future with him, would they demand more information? It's really none of their business anyway, unless you want to share.
Certainly follow your heart

No. I’d think them smart and strong.

If you were my daughter I would trust and not question your judgment and would totally support you. It takes courage to do this, and many ignore those red flags only to regret for the rest of their lives. Choosing your life partner is one of life’s most important decisions. Don’t settle.

Depends how much you want T oh get married and have kids. If you get on ok with him, maybe stick it out. Marriage is a legal contact not a romantic notion.

Many, many years ago my Mum’s best friend was in your position. She knew she didn’t want to marry him but everyone thought he was wonderful so she married him and never told a soul she didn’t want to. She ended up divorced after many unhappy years. She was so scared of “letting people down” but realistically she only let herself down by not listening to her gut. You only get one life.

I'd want my daughter to be happy. I might not understand but I would support her and be there for her and help her as much as I can.

I understand that no one really sees soneone else's relationship. If Im honest I'm a "fixer" and I would probably encourage her to talk to him etc which might seem like I was disapproving, but it would be coming from a place of not wanting her to regret something, not a judgement.

My loyalty is to my daughter. It will always be to my daughter.

I would hate that the only reason she was staying in a relationship was because she didnt want to upset me.

When I was younger I made decisions based on whether it would upset my parents or not. I regret those. Dont make that mistake.

OP… it’s not their life or marriage! God, you really don’t want to hold on to the wrong man for your parents’ sake. All good parents want is for their child to be happy and healthy. And you’re not happy with this man.

I made the mistake of marrying someone I knew deep down was not right for me. We lasted 20 years. Culminated in him cheating and me throwing him out. My parents were so upset for me and their grandchild. Trust me, any upset they may feel now, will pale into insignificance if they have to witness a long term marriage breakdown and breakdown of a family unit. It hurts and they feel our pain. If you tell them you have valid reasons, they will respect your decision and will stand by you.
Walking away from an engagement shows strength. If my child had the courage to do that, I would be proud. They, after all, are the ones in the relationship and know the ins and outs. So you need to trust them.

Do you mean stick it out until she’s got the children she wants? What a disgusting suggestion to bring children into the world with a man you already know you aren’t going to go the distance with. Have you read all the horrible divorce and step family threads on here?

Don’t go ahead if you aren’t feeling it, and there’s absolutely no need to tell your parents anything other than you don’t love him enough to marry him. They should be pleased you’ve made a sensible decision. It doesn’t matter if they love him, they aren’t marrying him.

1000% want my child to do what is right for them.

Not at all. DD is engaged to one of my favourite people in the world. I make a point of regularly reminding her that I am 100% team dd though and that he’d be dust under my feet if they broke up though. Agree with what others have said about long engagements also!

I would be happy mu child is content enough within themselves to recognise something is not going to fulfill them and work out for them long term and be supportive in any way I can.

Is this yet another plop and run thread?
MN, please sort it. It's ruining the site.

I’d want my child to make the decision that made them the most happy.

I'd be really proud of them for having the bravery to do it.

I’d never be disappointed in my child for doing what’s right for them.

If any of my kids married someone or continued a relationship they were not happy in because they worried about what I might think I would consider that a spectacular failure by me as a parent.

Have confidence in your conviction and accept nothing less than a partner that cherishes you, makes you happy and brings you joy.

Not at all. My eldest is 17 so I've probably got a while til anything like this is a possibility. But absolutely wouldn't be disappointed. I'd be proud of them for being brave, trusting their instincts and doing what they thought was right - rather than staying in a relationship that makes them unhappy just because it's 'easier'. If I got on well with and liked their partner then sure yes I'd feel a little bit sad but would still fully support my child.

I want my children to be happy and would support them fully in this situation.

Breaking up when you are engaged is better than going through a wedding ceremony and ending up splitting up after six months.

I'd be so proud of my daughter (or son, I just say daughter because I have one) for walking away from a relationship for any reason if they weren't happy.

Life is so short. Unfortunately my daughter spend far too long watching me battle to remove myself from an awful relationship and she was so proud I managed it eventually

OP there are 2 points here:

1. It's your life and you must do what is best for you. It's none of your parents' business.
2. Having said that, and as mentioned by many others, parents just want their children to be happy. So do what will make you happy.

I’m not a parent of an adult child, I have young children. I nearly broke off my engagement but didn’t. Ten years on I’m still not sure I made the right choice. A friend of mine recently broke up with her husband over a similar issue to mine, and I was nothing but impressed with how brave she was. I’d be beyond proud if my kids made a similar choice for themselves, however difficult the situation would be. (And obviously I’d also feel sad for them that they were having to make that decision!) Make the choice for you, if your parents are disappointed they’ll get over it eventually, it’s you who has to live with whatever you decide! Good luck to you ❤️