Would you be disappointed in your child for breaking off an engagement?

[daisychainxoxo]

Context: I want to end my 6 year relationship. We got engaged last year but haven’t done any wedding planning. There’s no major issue like cheating or abuse but I’m just not happy at all. It’s just been lots of little things that have built up resentment over time and I feel like there’s nothing left in the relationship that’s serving me or bringing me joy. He misses the mark on all of the little things that are important but will offer ‘grand gestures’ that look impressive to the outside i.e. buying a specific engagement ring I had jokingly wanted since I was around 10 as I didn’t ever imagine it would be realistic.
My parents both love him and obviously see the big gestures and think he’s amazing. I haven’t divulged any of the smaller issues because I didn’t want it to taint anything if we did stay together which is a regret now.
I am partly holding on to the relationship for fear that my parents are going to be disappointed and upset with me for doing it. I don’t know how to begin to tell them why I’ve made the decision without sounding petty for bringing up lots of little things after breaking it off.

Looking for advice from parents of adult children on how you would handle it if this was your child.

Do not live your life to make your parents happy.

I have a daughter and all I would ever want for her is the happiest and best life she could possibly want for herself. If anything compromised that, I would be so proud of her for expecting better for herself and making that happen.

You’re so strong for knowing you deserve better even without a red flag and you will have the happiest life for YOU with that attitude.

Absolutely not. It's their relationship, not mine. Can't think of anything worse (relationship-wise) than knowingly marrying the wrong person.

Years ago I knew my mother was disappointed when I broke it off with a bf she really liked, though that didn't affect my decision any. I understood what she liked about him as I liked that too, but that was not all there was to him. She never saw those other parts. She even twisted the story in her head to be that HE didn't want to marry me.

This was my cousin. She broke off her engagement in the weeks before the wedding - in fact she ran away. Like you, she didn’t have a huge, dramatic reason for it, just knew in her heart of hearts it was the wrong move to go through with it. Her mum (my aunt) was furious and upset with her, and didn’t speak to her for months. My mum (her aunt) stepped in and supported her, telling her she’d absolutely done the right thing and been very brave.

Her mum came round, everything was forgiven, she went on the meet someone who was right for her and eventually she married him instead.

You’ve got to do what’s right for you.

No. But even if they are, it is ok to disappoint your parents. Preferable to disappointing yourself.

Not at all, I'd just be pleased they had the confidence to know their own mind and act on it.

I am in this position with my dd now. She was on a break with her boyfriend for 4 yrs, having confided that it hasn’t felt right for at least a year, that he irritates her and she can’t imagine marrying him. I told her I will support her whatever she chooses, and although the decision is hers and only hers, I admitted I would be worried if she got back with him.

She was concerned the problems such as impatience were hers, so I found her a good therapist and she’s working through the issues.

She’s now back with her boyfriend and I’ve told her she can come to me in 10 years time with 3 kids in tow if she isn’t happy.. she will always have my support at any time, no matter what she decides.

Hope that answers your question.. always, always trust your gut.

For all you know they probably wouldn’t be surprised. And I think theyd be proud of you tbh.

I might be sad for them if I really liked them, but I would really proud of you that you had the guts and strength to listen to your instincts.

I would be so very proud of you.. and be there for you to cry on my shoulder. I AM proud of you as a mother. Do what you have to..it will be hard, but alot less hard than a divorce down the road.

Agree with@outerspacepotato

So what if they were unhappy about it? It’s your relationship.

I be happier that I had a daughter who knew she should be treated well and ended things. Your parents only concern is your happiness. Do not settle.

No, I wouldn't be disappointed at all. I'd be very upset if I found our my DC had continued in an unhappy relationship because they were worried about how I'd react.
Only you know your parents though. I'd be shocked to know any parent would be disappointed but I see some shocking examples of how some parents behave on here. That's not said because I think you should be guided by their reactions, do what is best for you. But it will be good for you ro do it with realistic expectations.

This was me. Took a long time
for my mom to get over it but she’s fine now. I’m also happily married to someone else.

I'd be so relieved they'd come to that conclusion before wedding/children. I might be shocked or confused at first if this seems to have come out of the blue. My parents were not supportive when I tried to leave my abusive Ex, I had been too ashamed to tell them. Once they understood they massively stepped up. It would be nice to think your parents will support you whatever but even IF they are disappointed in the short term they will want the very best for you and if long term married know that marriage is hard enough at times. Have courage

I am of the persuasion that I wish my child to be 100% happy and that I would be supportive, come what may.
Marriage with doubts is not an ideal way to start a new life.

Call it off, my lovely, or at least postpone, if you are not wholeheartedly committed to the relationship, long term.

Any parent should want what is best for you, end of. Do what is right for you and forget the rest.

It would depend.

If my DD came to me and said “mum, I know it looks amazing from the outside but I can’t tell you how miserable it is on the inside - he constantly snipes at me, undermines me, picks at me, takes me for granted, expects me to do his chores for him etc” I’d be driving her back to her house with 3 empty suitcases, packing her stuff for her and paying for the lawyer to get her out of any financial entanglement she might be in. He’d have to get through me to get to her. I’d be proud of her for not going through with a wedding.

But if she came to me and said “mum, I know it looks amazing from the outside what with the huge ring and [other big gestures] but he’s always working till at least 8pm and I never get to go out to dinner with him, he never remembers my friend’s partners’ names and it’s so embarrassing for me, he always makes me buy whatever birthday gift I want for myself because he says he’ll just get it wrong - I want to feel seen and valued” while all the while he’s working his way up the ladder to earn enough for my DD to stop working because all she’s ever wanted is to be a SAHM to two kids…yes I’d be disappointed.

I definitely know mine would have preferred me breaking off the engagement rather than getting divorced after 6 months.

I’d be disappointed for them, but not in them. As presumably you’ll be a bit disappointed it didn’t work out how you planned. I might be a bit sad if I liked the partner. But I would wholly support them and be proud they felt capable of leaving when it must be quite scary.

This^
I don’t care how perfect he is for other people I only want my child to be happy so if you are not … he can f* off to the furthest side of f-k.
My DN did this, it never occurred to me or any of us to judge or criticise. We were exactly in this position - it looked nice from the outside and no reason was given but it didn’t matter.
Do what you feel right for you.

You know what? Marriage is a big deal, it’s not just a wedding, it’s a commitment to sharing everything, your home, your life, your money, your potential children.
I would really hope your parents would understand how you feel, but even if they don’t, even if you hurt them? Are you willing to give up your life for theirs?

Far, far better to break up with your partner now than when you’ve gone through all the expense and hassle of the wedding or if there were children involved. Not that I would expect my adult child to remain in an unhappy marriage, but I would probably feel a bit annoyed they had gone through with the wedding if they already knew it wasn’t what they wanted.

No one should marry if it isn’t the right person. My DS and his long term GF broke up and I was devastated inside and still miss her but I have never ever let him know just how much I do. It was a mutual ending, they just grew up and apart, she was another DD to me.

I have kids in their twenties. Ofc I might initially be surprised - if I didn’t know the full context. I might wonder if it was cold feet. But regardless of that I’d support them - their life; their decision; their relationship. I’d be WAY more disappointed if they went through with a marriage to avoid ‘rocking the boat’ (have seen that with my own friends. None of those marriages ended well). If they were able to share the reasons - and I’d hope they would - I would be so relieved and proud of them for making such a brave and hard decision. If your parents are generally in your corner, I’d try and share a bit of what’s going on just to help them fully support you.