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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP - What am I going to do?

89 replies

RambleOn · 08/06/2008 22:19

I have just found out my DP is seeing someone else. At least all the evidence points that way.

His birthday present to me this year was a text message which I think was intended for his girlfriend. Having done some snooping on his mobile phone bill online, I discovered that he'd sent her 372 messages in April, and me 12 in the same time period.

Further snooping on his 20yo DDs phone has given me her name. The texts were sent to his DDs friend who is 18yo (I am 39, he is 45).

What the hell am I going to do? We have a 20mo DD together, and I am 7wks pg

My heart and head tell me to separate from him, but this is what I want, and isn't necessarily best for my children.

The timing is spectacularly poor - pg and housing market dead in our area.

I feel like I let my baby down at the earliest opportunity, at conception, when I let its father be this man.

OP posts:
beeny · 08/06/2008 22:25

Im so sorry don't really know what to say but really feel for you.Do you have family to help you.

purpleduck · 08/06/2008 22:28

Sorry to hear about this Ramble
That sounds disgusting for soo many reasons.
Would it be easier to leave now, or later?

Sorry I don't have much constructive to say, but I couldn't leave it unanswered.

Good Luck

Original poster
RambleOn · 08/06/2008 22:33

Yes I have a great family. But I'd feel ashamed asking them for any help as I've ballsed everything up so completely

OP posts:
Molesworth · 08/06/2008 22:33

Sorry to hear this ramble

You haven't ballsed anything up though. He has.

bluejelly · 08/06/2008 22:34

It's not you who has let the baby down, it's him! Are you planning to confront him? Have you told anyone in real life?
Don't despair, lots of women have had to face this kind of issue, my mum for one and it all turned out fine in the end.
But still very on your behalf!

LuckySalem · 08/06/2008 22:35

ok firstly, YOU haven't done anything HE HAS.
secondly, make sure of your facts.
thirdly - you need to decide what you want and give him an ultimatum.

Sorry about this what a complete sod if he is!

nkf · 08/06/2008 22:36

You haven't ballsed anything up.
Are you saying he is having an affair with his daughter's friend? And she's 18? If that's the case, you will receive plenty of support and he will look like a filthy old man and a pize joke to boot.
Good luck.

nkf · 08/06/2008 22:36

You haven't ballsed anything up.
Are you saying he is having an affair with his daughter's friend? And she's 18? If that's the case, you will receive plenty of support and he will look like a filthy old man and a prize joke to boot.
Good luck.

Original poster
RambleOn · 08/06/2008 22:37

I don't know whether it'd be easier to leave now or later.

I haven't said anything to him yet. If I tell him now, he will blame me and I will spend the rest of my pg living in a horrible atmosphere, as the house will take forever to sell.

OP posts:
beeny · 08/06/2008 22:37

You have not let your family down he has.You will have to be very brave but I am sure your great family will support you dont let him sap any more of your energy.

controlfreakyagain · 08/06/2008 22:38

poor you. the first thing has to be talking to him calmly and frankly to find out what the *** is going on.....

nkf · 08/06/2008 22:38

Can't he leave while you sell it? He can go and camp on someone's floor.

LuckySalem · 08/06/2008 22:41

ramble - Don't let that be a reason not to confront him. I know it won't be ideal but if it creates an atmosphere you can stay with your family (no?)

Original poster
RambleOn · 08/06/2008 22:42

I haven't told anyone at all. The text message was over a week ago. I was trying to find hard evidence so that when I confronted him, he couldn't deny it.

But I think the only evidence he couldn't deny is video footage.

I have tried to get access to his phone, but it is permanently welded to his side - and I'm sure he'd delete any messages anyway.

The only way I could think of was texting her from his phone, and seeing what reply I get. But can't get to his phone.

OP posts:
Elephantsbreath · 08/06/2008 22:42

I don't see why you will need to sell the house.

If you want to separate from him then he should leave as it is entirely his fault. The idiot.

nkf · 08/06/2008 22:44

If you want to leave, see a lawyer. He or she will give you good advice about the house and about the quality of evidence you would need in order to divorce for adultery.

Original poster
RambleOn · 08/06/2008 22:45

LuckyS - I thought that neither party could leave the 'marital' home until the case was argued out in court?

And he WILL argue

OP posts:
Original poster
RambleOn · 08/06/2008 22:47

nkf - we're not married, he thinks it's 'just a piece of paper' - arsehole.

OP posts:
nkf · 08/06/2008 22:47

But if you can prove adultery or he admits it, then you can divorce him for that. The only thing to argue about is the house and the assets.
He can contest divorce on other grounds but only for so long. You can get a divorce if you want one.
True people can drag it out for ages. But maybe you won't have to sell the house.

controlfreakyagain · 08/06/2008 22:48

of course one of you can leave... but make sure it's him. do nothing w/out some legal advice first though.
you dont need "proof" do you? he's your dp and you have good reason to believe he has been unfaithful / is thinking about being so.... you know what you know.... see what he has to say for himself.... you dont have to believe him.

Molesworth · 08/06/2008 22:48

Bloody hell, he sounds awful.

I think you are right to bide your time and make a calm and informed decision about how to deal with this. I know I'd just blow my top.

Could you see a solicitor or go to the Citizens Advice Bureau to find out how you stand re: the house before you say anything to him?

Original poster
RambleOn · 08/06/2008 22:49

Oh God - the thought of my DD and newborn baby going off to stay with him and his girlfriend

OP posts:
controlfreakyagain · 08/06/2008 22:49

if you're not married then you need legal advice even more so... re ownership house / support for dc's etc.

Original poster
RambleOn · 08/06/2008 22:55

Molesworth - somehow by not telling him, it makes me feel like I have the upper hand.

Perhaps if I go to a solicitor they will tell me which documents would be useful to hide away - before he does.

My poor babies - their father thought so little of them that he'd undermine their whole future

I think he must be out with her tonight.

Am tempted to call her!!

But will restrain myself for the reasons above.

OP posts:
Molesworth · 08/06/2008 22:57

By not telling him, you really do have the upper hand, which has to be a good thing, especially if he's the sort of man that will try to make you feel it's your fault.

Very sad for you and your dcs that this has happened. But it sounds like you'll be better off without someone who can treat you so badly