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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

HELP - What am I going to do?

89 replies

RambleOn · 08/06/2008 22:19

I have just found out my DP is seeing someone else. At least all the evidence points that way.

His birthday present to me this year was a text message which I think was intended for his girlfriend. Having done some snooping on his mobile phone bill online, I discovered that he'd sent her 372 messages in April, and me 12 in the same time period.

Further snooping on his 20yo DDs phone has given me her name. The texts were sent to his DDs friend who is 18yo (I am 39, he is 45).

What the hell am I going to do? We have a 20mo DD together, and I am 7wks pg

My heart and head tell me to separate from him, but this is what I want, and isn't necessarily best for my children.

The timing is spectacularly poor - pg and housing market dead in our area.

I feel like I let my baby down at the earliest opportunity, at conception, when I let its father be this man.

OP posts:
Original poster
RambleOn · 08/06/2008 23:42

Ok, really, really angry now. He will be in soon. Am going to feign sleep on the couch when I hear the key in the lock.

And go to CAB/solicitors tomorrow.

OP posts:
piggysneed · 08/06/2008 23:42

you could call her parents and tell them that you 45 yo dh has groomed their daughter. It is likely that there has been some level of manipulation on his part. I'm not saying that she is completly blameless but she must have still been at school when this started.

Original poster
RambleOn · 08/06/2008 23:51

You think you know someone don't you? I'm astounded really. We had been ttc for 5 months. Why would you do such a thing?

OP posts:
ShinyPinkShoes · 08/06/2008 23:54

Can't answer that one I'm afraid

What is clear to me though is that you deserve so much better than to be treated like this xxx

Original poster
RambleOn · 09/06/2008 00:03

I was so looking forward to telling everyone I was pg.

Now I'll have to say "Well, I've got some really good news, and some really bad news"

I'll have to tell his mum and dad. They've been so good to us. And it'll break their hearts.

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nkf · 09/06/2008 00:09

He's at fault. Don't take the blame or cut yourself off from support.
Good luck. Get some sleep and face tomorrow.

Original poster
RambleOn · 09/06/2008 00:20

Thanks everyone for listening.

Will try to sleep and take some positive steps in the morning.

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LobstersLass · 09/06/2008 00:21

Is it not possible that his 20 year old dd's phone use is being charged to his account? It would make sense her texting her mate that much.

If this is not possible then I really feel for you and urge you to seek legal advice asap.

madamez · 09/06/2008 00:27

Lobsterslass has a good point: that his DD may have been the one sending the texts to her mate. There is also the possiblity (which adittedly is a bit soap-opera but not totally iimpossible) that he has reason to think this girl may be his daughter or something?
Have you any other reasons to suspect that he is contacting/grroming/shagging anyone else?

eenybeeny · 09/06/2008 00:34

god very sorry for you. Yes it is very remotely possible there is another explanation for all ths but really it isnt the most likely thing is it.

You know what you need to do. We will all support you. But you must know this is not your fault in any way. You have not let your children down.

BEAUTlFUL · 09/06/2008 00:39

What did the text say?

I really feel for you. How horrible. Agree that you are coping perfectly.

eenybeeny · 09/06/2008 00:41

yes what did the birthday text say that you think was intended for her?

surely if his attention to her was unwanted she wouldnt be happy coming round to your house... you said she took your DC out for a walk in the pram? Doesnt sound like someone trying to avoid the father.

Original poster
RambleOn · 09/06/2008 00:43

No - the times of the texts are too obvious. They occur regularly all day, they stop when he gets home from work, continue when he walks the dog, etc.

This girl is not his daughter - I have met her two sisters also, and all three of them are like carbon copies of their parents. She is actually very grown up and worldly iykwim.

I have no reason to suspect there is any more lurking! The phone records were otherwise fairly predictable.

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Original poster
RambleOn · 09/06/2008 00:55

The text said, word for word :

"Got your text, but not sure about your theory and yes I hope to be able to see you at some point later bunny. X x"

Bunny is his pet name for me (and DD is little bunny) So he's obviously using the same for her.

But I hadn't sent him a text with any theory iyswim. Didn't fit.

And he wouldn't say "hope to be able to see you later". He was due home from work in about 2hrs.

I replied with "Think you've just sent me a text that was intended for someone else"

He replied "what text, haven't sent any since this morning"

(This was a lie - his phone records proved it)

So I forwarded him the text.

He replied "Not mine and no idea what that's about. See you bit earlier today hopefully, give Babs hug for me x"

The phone records also show, that he texted her immediately - sending her the text that he had intended to in the first place?

OP posts:
BEAUTlFUL · 09/06/2008 00:58

Does he also ring her a lot? I'm surprised it's all texting. Why would he text, not ring?

BEAUTlFUL · 09/06/2008 01:00

Where/how would he have seen her "at some time later hopefully"? When he's walking the dog? Could you have someone follow him, or that too OTT?

Sorry my replies have been only questions! Trying to figure it out.

BEAUTlFUL · 09/06/2008 01:02

I would have thought that a man in passionate love, or passionate fancy, would RING and hear her voice... not text. There's a reason it's all texting. Maybe she is the reason (being so young, they all text 24/7, etc), or it started innocently (like text penpals... weird but not impossible), or SOMEthing.

Original poster
RambleOn · 09/06/2008 01:03

No, he does ring, but rarely, perhaps once a week. This obviously doesn't show how often she's calling him.

I thought this was odd. He's more a call than text kind of person.

Perhaps she's in a lecture?

Something else as well. Most of the texts are in pairs, separated by 3 or 4 seconds. This must mean that they are longer than one text iyswim. He seems to have an awful lot to say to her. Must be driving his boss mad.

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Tortington · 09/06/2008 01:07

it does all sound v. fishy and i think that you have the right idea by making an appointment to see cab or a solicitor - so you can get the right documentation together.

Its all too easy in anger to blurt everything out - the best thing you can do for you and your children is secure their future.

if this means that you have to have concrete proof legally ( i don't know if you do?) then at least you know what you do or do not have to do.

Original poster
RambleOn · 09/06/2008 01:08

Like I said, it was my birthday, a Friday. I had arranged to go out with the girls, my Mum was babysitting. He was therefore free to go out. So I assume he would see her at the pub, sometime later.

I think it would have started innocently - she is his DDs friend, he knows her family and friends, they all frequent the same pub.

He used to say that she had been in the pub. Now he never mentions her name

OP posts:
Tortington · 09/06/2008 01:14

dare i suggest logging DD's MSN convos? ( its his DD right?)

Original poster
RambleOn · 09/06/2008 01:16

Now there's a thought

OP posts:
Tortington · 09/06/2008 01:20

i would also look on her phone for photos etc.

her facebook?
does he have a facebook? worth checking?

DOES SHE? the girl - you know her name right? face book her se whatshe says about herself.

Original poster
RambleOn · 09/06/2008 01:21

The thought is occurring to me that his DD must know about this surely?

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Original poster
RambleOn · 09/06/2008 01:27

I actually tried his DDs facebook earlier. I couldn't find her, she has a common name apparently!

This was to find the other girls facebook. Everyone calls her by a nickname/abbreviation, so I couldn't find her either.

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