Page 7 | Time to leave my DH because of his feelings for his colleague?

Whereismymind12 · 2025-11-23T12:25:21+00:00

We’ve been happily married for a long time. Raised a family, have lots in common, he’s a good man and kind. Everything should feel good but I feel so, so sad as I’m pretty sure he is in love with another woman. Last year I began to get upset about how much they saw each other in and out of work and how much they were in contact when not in the office. He played this down but I know he lies about this as our work paths have crossed a couple of times (we work in different companies but in the same profession) and I have seen for myself what he tells me and the reality aren’t the same. He insists they are just friends. Two nights ago he told me during a horrible row that if I didn’t like their friendship then I could leave because it wasn’t going to change. I’m very close to leaving as it’s completely bringing me down emotionally. But I’m clinging to the hope that I’m wrong (as he insists) and don’t want to upend my life and our family’s if I’m being paranoid and overthinking this. Increasingly I think I am the far less interesting, fun, captivating woman in his world compared to her, and it’s a desperately sad feeling I’m secretly holding every day.

LiveToTell · 24/11/2025 09:54

shuggles · 23/11/2025 19:16

@ginasevern I wasn't talking about "creepy men" either. There are indeed plenty of those, but it may come as a surprise to you that not all affairs involve "the office creep".

There is no way for a man to become involved in an affair without doing something creepy to begin with, which is to show a romantic interest in people that he works with.

Which leads me to "First of all, the overwhelming majority of women in a workplace setting are either married, or in some kind of long term relationship, so they will not be interested in any of the men they work with." Again, this may come as a terrible shock to you, but affairs always involve married people.

It's very unusual for married women to be unfaithful to their partners.

Also, it would not be possible for someone to know whether or not it's appropriate to show an interest in a married woman.

None of this works, so I'm utterly confused at how you think any of this actually happens.

I don’t think I’ve ever read a more naive post on here.

WithDiamonds · 24/11/2025 10:04

Just get your financial affairs in order and by that I mean to your advantage if at all possible.

This exact scenario happened to friends of mine. The DH and a work colleague, just friends apparently and close due to shared sporting hobby. She was single, no kids and younger. He msg me about his new partner soon after they split, my spidery senses were tingling as it was off. His ex then revealed he had an affair but she was too embarrassed to tell anyone, split had seemed just like a mutual falling out of love, to which DH and I were shocked. He was actually my original friend, then we had become couple friends. I was the first person she told and she had been keeping it all in. I will always remember her thanking me for taking her side. She is a very nice woman a put up and shut up type. I am more of a fire and brimstone his balls should be in a vice type, I voiced what she was too nice to.

He is no longer my friend, he saw my car on the drive of the marital home when dropping his child off. He hasn’t contacted me since.

Missj25 · 24/11/2025 10:18

Thewookiemustgo · 23/11/2025 23:23

OP don’t compare yourself, age isn’t something that anyone can help or do anything about. It’s pointless beating yourself up for something you can do nothing about: your age. If it helps at all my husband’s OW was seventeen years younger than me. I didn’t feel in the least bit humiliated by their behaviour, I had done nothing wrong and had upheld my vows and loved a respectable, honourable and dignified life. Humiliated by what they did? No. I felt disgusted by their behaviour. I actually pitied them both for being so awful and was glad I wasn’t them.
You can’t humiliate somebody who has done nothing to be ashamed of and has the self-respect and standards not to sink that low.
Hold your head high.
He is humiliating himself by disrespecting you and his marriage in a foolhardy selfish manner. This woman is humiliating herself by entering knowingly into a boundary- crossing relationship with a married man who has a family. They are both behaving shamefully.
You are not being humiliated, you are being betrayed by two grown adults who do know better, but have no standards.
There is nothing humiliating about standing firm with your loyalty, strength and dignity in the face of their shoddy conduct.
It’s impossible to humiliate a woman like you who has done nothing wrong and remained honest, faithful and steadfast. Impossible.

Edited

Love this post ..
It’s so truthful ❤️

Missj25 · 24/11/2025 10:21

Thewookiemustgo · 23/11/2025 23:39

@EugenieGrandet you are braver than you think. It takes guts to admit here that you daren’t rock the boat for fear of losing your marriage.
However, whilst the outside of your marriage and the smile on your face look shiny and whole, you will eat yourself alive from the inside out with this scenario until there’s a shell of you left.
That shell is exactly what he needs: a hollowed-out, brittle, scared version of the happy and assertive woman you want and need to be.
Why does he need that version of you? Because that version of you will let him cut himself a big slice of cake every day and eat it right in front of you.
You don’t necessarily have to end or leave your marriage, but you do need to have a voice in it and be able to state your objections and needs.
He won’t like it when you finally enforce a much-needed boundary, but you’ll find out what he really wants if you do and if you are afraid that it’s her, by avoiding the question, all you are doing is allowing their friendship to blossom unchallenged, until it goes far too far (if it hasn’t already) and your marriage will end in the future because of it one way or another anyway.
Life’s too short to accept crumbs from anyone, please ask yourself if you really can go on for years like this. Your mental health is precious and you don’t realise how this will erode it bit by tiny bit until you don’t know who you really are any more and their connection has been allowed to strengthen.
I’m not saying get divorced or end your marriage, of course not, but you are sacrificing far more happiness by enduring this than by challenging him and getting out of life and your marriage what you really need and deserve.

Also love this post ..
PP gives very good advice & is someone who is kind & wise .

PandaKitty · 24/11/2025 12:09

Men and Women being friends is such a grey area. I have lots of male colleagues who are also friends of mine but I would never go for lunch one on one with them or go for a coffee together. Unless it was a legitimate work meeting. Whereas some of my female colleagues I would not think twice about going for lunch/coffee with or meeting outside of the workplace. This an invisible/unwriiten rule that the vast majority of people follow

Freeme31 · 24/11/2025 13:23

OP i saw a letter further under post as a last attempt give him this (add in a few of your personal thought also) i think maybe if he sees what you are saying in black and white it’s worth a try. If he still prioritises this women over you then time to walk she is obviously much more important to him than you are

Thewookiemustgo · 24/11/2025 13:58

PandaKitty · 24/11/2025 12:09

Men and Women being friends is such a grey area. I have lots of male colleagues who are also friends of mine but I would never go for lunch one on one with them or go for a coffee together. Unless it was a legitimate work meeting. Whereas some of my female colleagues I would not think twice about going for lunch/coffee with or meeting outside of the workplace. This an invisible/unwriiten rule that the vast majority of people follow

Totally agree. I have had male friends in the workplace, but never went out for a social lunch, coffee or dinner with any of them, just as a twosome, it wasn’t something I ever thought appropriate and I wanted to communicate that I was very much married, respected my marriage and that they should respect that too. Any outside the context of work social contact should be transparent to your spouse and only if they are totally comfortable with it. It’s not about your spouse controlling who you can socialise with, obviously you can be friends with male work colleagues, but it should always be about transparency and respect.

IwouldthinkbetterIT · 24/11/2025 15:53

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ginasevern · 24/11/2025 16:54

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 23/11/2025 19:14

@ginasevern i dont think you are watching too much tv 🤣🤣🤣

maybe its my industry but people are def crossing boundaries and / or shagging far more than i care for.
The work trips were the worst - some of it was so uncomfortable.

Edited

Show quote history

Thank you. I don't have time to watch too much TV! Work places are a breeding ground for affairs, they're well known for it. And, as you say, work trips and company events are the worst.

ginasevern · 24/11/2025 17:13

shuggles · 23/11/2025 19:16

@ginasevern I wasn't talking about "creepy men" either. There are indeed plenty of those, but it may come as a surprise to you that not all affairs involve "the office creep".

There is no way for a man to become involved in an affair without doing something creepy to begin with, which is to show a romantic interest in people that he works with.

Which leads me to "First of all, the overwhelming majority of women in a workplace setting are either married, or in some kind of long term relationship, so they will not be interested in any of the men they work with." Again, this may come as a terrible shock to you, but affairs always involve married people.

It's very unusual for married women to be unfaithful to their partners.

Also, it would not be possible for someone to know whether or not it's appropriate to show an interest in a married woman.

None of this works, so I'm utterly confused at how you think any of this actually happens.

Well judging by the number of posters agreeing with me and the amount of upvotes I've received, you're pretty much on your own. You are either walking around with your eyes closed, or you've worked in some very rare places.

As for your comment "it would not be possible for someone to know whether or not it's appropriate to show an interest in a married woman." I mean, it sounds like a line from a Jane Austen novel. Are you posting from the early 19th century per chance or perhaps an isolated puritan community? Since when did men agonise over the "appropriate" social etiquette before hitting on a married woman, or any woman for that matter.

"None of this works, so I'm utterly confused at how you think any of this actually happens."

So just to be clear, are you actually convinced that affairs at work never happen and that the whole concept is the stuff of pure fantasy?

Doggielovecharlotte · 24/11/2025 17:18

ginasevern · 24/11/2025 17:13

Well judging by the number of posters agreeing with me and the amount of upvotes I've received, you're pretty much on your own. You are either walking around with your eyes closed, or you've worked in some very rare places.

As for your comment "it would not be possible for someone to know whether or not it's appropriate to show an interest in a married woman." I mean, it sounds like a line from a Jane Austen novel. Are you posting from the early 19th century per chance or perhaps an isolated puritan community? Since when did men agonise over the "appropriate" social etiquette before hitting on a married woman, or any woman for that matter.

"None of this works, so I'm utterly confused at how you think any of this actually happens."

So just to be clear, are you actually convinced that affairs at work never happen and that the whole concept is the stuff of pure fantasy?

Show quote history

I would say that work is the most frequent place!!!

you get to know people over time…

PopcornKitten · 24/11/2025 17:37

Whereismymind12 · 23/11/2025 19:52

This is so very well put. Thank you. It’s scary to think of being on my own but I think at least I would start to regain my self respect. And stop being told what I feel is invalid

Show quote history

This is brilliant. So well written. He’s so bogged down in whether there’s actually anything wrong in his behaviour that he is missing the point that this is about how you feel. Your feelings are valid. The letter is non confrontational but sets clearly what you are feeling.
I would say don’t you leave. If anyone is leaving it should be him.
maybe when he realises that you are not gonna play ‘cool wife’ he will take a long hard look at himself and realise what is really going on here. At the moment you are the nasty wife who isn’t letting him have a friend.

ThisCanHappen · 24/11/2025 17:44

Minnie798 · 23/11/2025 18:21

Affairs are rife in health care that's for sure.

Show quote history

And in the police, and in every other sector!

Wellnowlookhere · 24/11/2025 17:47

’he’s a good man and kind’

I’m just going to stop you there, OP.
He is neither of those things right now, and is an arsehole, pure and simple. You are being gaslit to fuck, and in the process, you are gradually believing to an increasing degree that you are less deserving, less worthy and less valuable than this colleague, and this prick is letting you believe that.

I am here to tell you that you are NOT less than, you are JUST as worthy, and JUST as valuable as any other woman, or person for that matter. Do not forget that for a second. And please, whenever you start to remind yourself of his value and worth, remember that he is letting you feel that way, every day. Bastard.

You deserve to take up as much space in the world as you need.
💐

Notthehill · 24/11/2025 18:08

Thewookiemustgo · 24/11/2025 09:25

@DeepRubySwan
”And he's about to lose everything, for nothing. But these sort of limerences show the weakness up in a marriage they don't come out of nowhere. There is something wrong in the marriage.”
I disagree. You’d be amazed how many people living happy day to day lives with their spouses, everything seeming normal and happy, are totally blindsided to discover that ‘not my Nigel’ is having an affair. They were happy, Nigel wasn’t unhappy or was doing an Oscar -winning performance at looking like he wasn’t. Nigel just found that a ten years younger woman coming on to him made him feel like a teenager again and to avoid guilt re-wrote history, decided that he was actually not happy, he was in a dead end marriage and deserved a bit of fun.
A happy marriage is no guarantee that those within it will remain faithful. You can’t affair-proof a marriage, you can only affair-proof yourself.
These sort of limerances show the weakness up in a person, not a spouse or marriage. There is something wrong with the person, not the marriage. Too easy to blame the wife and the marriage in situations like these.
It is naive to think that limerances, crushes and affairs only happen in unhappy marriages. They don’t. Most people who have affairs don’t want to lose their spouse or the marriage and run back there if allowed to when the shit hits the fan, they weren’t unhappy, they were weak, selfish and lacked discipline when tempted.
“I was unhappy” is an excuse, it’s not a cause. The cause of infidelity is that somebody chooses to be unfaithful. If I’m unhappy I don’t automatically feel the need to flirt with and pursue somebody else who shows me a bit of attention. I could choose to do that to make myself feel better, of course, but I put my integrity, vows and husband first and sort my issues out honestly.
I choose to be faithful.
Affairs and illicit relationships happen when someone who is unhappy in themselves , or just bored, or lacks self esteem , for whatever reason, also lacks the integrity, courage and skills to address their issues, lacks the integrity to be honest and authentic, then selfishly chooses to pursue ego-stroking and flattery to make themselves feel better at everyone else’s expense.
To say it’s impossible to find someone else attractive or be flattered by attention because all is well at home is simply not true.
Weak, selfish people cause infidelity.
OP and the marriage have done nothing to cause his choices, nobody forced him, he chose them.
They are not to blame. He is.

^^This

Dinosaurhearmeroar · 24/11/2025 18:11

god what a cowardly man. So fed up of men doing this. They convince themselves that what they are doing is okay through gaslighting/ basic narcissism etc so they can then have the affair and not feel bad about it. Sister’s husband has just done it. I’m slowly turning into a bitter misandrist!!

WoosMama13 · 24/11/2025 18:13

Whereismymind12 · 23/11/2025 12:38

Thank you for reading and responding.
I find it so hard to understand his actions and attitude as when we are happy, we are really good together. He seems to want me to be happy about the two of them and not to raise any worries about this and then all will be well.
He insists I should see her like a male friend of his as that’s how he sees her.

Edited

Unless it turns out that she is gay and you meet her partner, this is likely his way of trying to justify it more by saying "she's one of the boys".
If he's told you it's her over you, sadly you have your answer. As others have said, start seeking advice and planning for the end.
I'm sorry this is happening. I hope in time things get easier.

BeMintSwan · 24/11/2025 18:18

My so sorry to read this. It he loved you with all his heart and truly wanted to stay married to you he wouldn't put this friendship first and give you an ultimatum. No decent husband puts a work friendship before a marriage and family life. The only thing I can suggest it marriage counselling so you can discuss the situation with guidance from another party.

Travsmam · 24/11/2025 18:42

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I had exactly the same thing happen to me. I was the one to be made to feel I was being completely unreasonable. Cut a long story short. I left. I went to live with a friend for a few weeks and found I was much happier although my heart was hurting. I met a lovely man one evening and I’ve been married to him now for 18 years. My ex did try and win me back but too much water had gone under the bridge. I couldn’t go back. I’ve never looked back. I truly hope you find happiness and peace x

FairWarning · 24/11/2025 19:01

Travsmam · 24/11/2025 18:42

I’m so sorry you are going through this. I had exactly the same thing happen to me. I was the one to be made to feel I was being completely unreasonable. Cut a long story short. I left. I went to live with a friend for a few weeks and found I was much happier although my heart was hurting. I met a lovely man one evening and I’ve been married to him now for 18 years. My ex did try and win me back but too much water had gone under the bridge. I couldn’t go back. I’ve never looked back. I truly hope you find happiness and peace x

Yes it's a game of poker, a gamble, a stick or twist game.

Someone who invites you to the table for this excruiciatinly painful game, is worth nothing.

There are usually no winners in the end, especially for any children involved.

Don't be drawn into the game.

TwinklySquid · 24/11/2025 19:04

I know you say he is a kind man, but a kind man wouldn’t behave like this.
The reality is that you can end a relationship over whatever reason you want. So don’t worry what other people will think.

The truth is that he’s over stepped a boundary and wont give her up to keep you. No one would judge you for saying “That’s not good enough for me.”

Aluna · 24/11/2025 19:06

PopcornKitten · 24/11/2025 17:37

This is brilliant. So well written. He’s so bogged down in whether there’s actually anything wrong in his behaviour that he is missing the point that this is about how you feel. Your feelings are valid. The letter is non confrontational but sets clearly what you are feeling.
I would say don’t you leave. If anyone is leaving it should be him.
maybe when he realises that you are not gonna play ‘cool wife’ he will take a long hard look at himself and realise what is really going on here. At the moment you are the nasty wife who isn’t letting him have a friend.

Show quote history

It’s very good but the last line should not be:

”Let me know how we should go forward”

But: ”I will let you know how we should go forward”

MaidOfSteel · 24/11/2025 19:46

shuggles · 23/11/2025 17:40

@Whereismymind12 You haven't presented any evidence that your husband and his colleague are in a relationship.

Speaking from experience, it is extremely unusual for random women in the workplace to suddenly decide that they have a romantic interest in a man they work with. I've worked with hundreds of different people but I don't think I have ever seen this.

Well, in my 30 years of office work, I’ve seen quite a few relationships, affairs and marriages between colleagues. And that includes me, as I met my husband at work.

Our experiences don’t help the OP, though.

I really do feel for you, OP, and I think you’re right to be concerned. What an awful way for your husband to treat you.

HereWeGo1234 · 24/11/2025 20:01

You have found yourself in a heartbreaking situation-I feel so sorry for you.

Prior to this woman being in your husband‘s life, was he thoughtless, self-centred etc or did he always put you first? He must be able to see that he is breaking your heart.

Would he be up for couples counselling?

Teddybear23 · 24/11/2025 20:04

Whereismymind12 · 23/11/2025 13:41

If you have explained how you feel, and he continues to blame you for feeling that way, minimises your feelings, tells you that he can't change, tells you that you're lucky that he's not actually having an affair " like all the other men", and compares you to her in any way, then i really would get out. It will destroy your soul, otherwise

Yes, 100pc. This is almost word for word what our rows have been. It breaks my heart.
He’s been my best friend for over 17 years and now I think another woman is.
What baffles me is how he wouldn’t understand that this would be upsetting!!
I don’t know how to build up the strength to leave. I really don’t want to as most of the time things are happy. But things he has said hurt a lot and I really can’t forget and day by day it chips away.

Tell him to leave, it’s your marital home and he’s causing the marriage to end. DON’T leave. You could end up homeless whereas he can always move in with her.