Ended relationship feel alone and he’s flying high

[Stucknstoopit]

As the title says. I ended a relationship with someone who seemed like my perfect partner but we became more and more distant.
it was like a game of push me pull you. We started as friends, became lovers, became ’partners’ but he subtly pushed me away over time while seemingly in love with me and wanting to plan a future together.
he didn’t tell me about family gatherings he used to invite me to, going off and leaving me at events, making new women friends and underplaying their closeness, lying about lots of things, keeping photos of ex in his wallet, attending events with said new friends and sharing his ‘inner circle’ with them and not me, so many things , it’s hard to explain.
still publicly showing me as his partner and telling everyone how much he loved me, treating me to lovely gifts, time away together, being affectionate and wanting to be around me.
like two different people, a partner and a single man.
i found it really confusing especially when id find out, usually from someone else about his lies and intense new friendships.
in the end i ended it, despite being talked out of it by him, by friends etc
he is well off and well respected in our town and in his field.
very popular and has women after him all the time.
i think he wanted to look like a respectable family man whilst living a hedonistic single man existence.
i ended things a few times over the years, he was always seemingly heartbroken and made promises that he barely kept and in the end I felt I’d lost myself.
i was exhausted, humiliated and heartbroken.
i cut off all contact and tried to get back on track.
it meant losing lots of friendships because he is prominent in our social circle and i couldn’t deal with his constant ‘presence’ , people telling me his news, people trying to get us back together , women telling me how close they’d become to him and it was like torture so I just kept my head down and focused on my little life.
he wrote to me a few times, how he was devastated, how he wanted to change and for me to give him another chance etc.
a family issue of his meant I briefly reopened contact and he started to frequently send me messages, pictures, shared memories etc and I would get nostalgic but try to remind myself why I ended things.
as time went on the contact grew less.
i hear on the grapevine he’s doing this and that, women he told me were nothing to worry about were publicly at his side everywhere and little things got back to me that meant he’d been more deceitful than I ever realised.

he's in my group of friends and being a small town I feel like I have nowhere and nobody to socialise with, he’s everywhere.

hes stopped sending me anything at all now and not making any contact anymore .

i should be relieved he’s leaving me alone. I needed to be free of him and now he’s finally stopped talking to me altogether.
He has multiple projects on the go and has clearly thrown himself into making a name for himself in lots of things linked to our shared hobby so I can’t even follow it online without seeing his name and some of the fawning women who were my friends.
I have not moved on, nor found anything new to focus on, I am just in limbo, feeling sad, feeling let down and disappointed and lonely.
i feel more upset now than I did when I ended things.
i think back then I was galvanised by anger towards him (and myself for putting up with him)
then i didn’t know about even a fraction of his lies so I keep getting shocked afresh and it’s like the wound never gets a chance to heal
seeing him riding high and becoming more popular and sought after is making me feel like maybe I made a mistake.
if all these people adore him perhaps I’m in the wrong, misinterpreted his actions or my expectations were too high?
all my friends thought I was lucky to have him but he didn’t make me feel safe.

part of me probably felt a bit cheered by his constant trying to get me back and now he’s stopped and is being appropriate in terms of our ex relationship I have to face the fact he was never going to be the partner he claimed to be.
i don’t know, I just feel so bereft and at sea.
does anyone get it?
am I alone in feeling like this?
is it normal to regret breaking up when someone was not good for you?

Ahh @Stucknstoopit this sounds so hard. I totally get how you are feeling…your head says it’s right he’s stopped messaging you but your heart tells a different thing. And of course, really difficult when he is so visible in your social circles.
I have no advice really other than the usual cliche of time being a great healer. If you read back your post, you’ll remind yourself of why he wasn’t actually a good partner to you and you might have some rose tinted glasses.
When I found myself in this position, I threw myself I to new activities to keep me distracted and build on friendships. In time, things got easier. And eventually I moved on.
wishing you all the best.

What a lovely message. Thank you. I was expecting a roasting on here but I needed to get it out. It’s hard to tell people irl because it’s been months now and most of my friends love him and the ones who don’t, or don’t know him think I should be relieved and well over him by now.
I have long term health issues which deteriorated as the relationship went downhill and I’m really struggling to recover.
i think this is partly why I’m stuck because I can’t just throw myself into anything.
im barely surviving other than to work and parent , it probably adds another layer, where I’ve made this decision for the good of my health but not only has my health not improved but I don’t feel confident in my decision to end the relationship.
i feel worse whereas he seems to have won the jackpot, like he is the one for whom the split has paid dividends!

Anyone else feel they have ended up feeling more upset than the person they dumped because struggling to move on?
Backed out of something that made me feel crap and crazy and now ifeel I cut off my nose to spite my face

I’d try to just focus on your health for now, and take your eye off the big picture fora not. Just keep coming back to he fact that he was a dreadful partner to you. He might be god almighty, but he was a shit boyfriend.

You say you have kids, is he the dad? If not, I would just focus on them and yourself for now. No man is irreplaceable.

So sorry you feel like this. Try to plan a new future for when you are feeling better. Maybe a move away or try to cultivate new interests in a nearby town/area where he isn't known. Put distance between you both (virtual and real). You do not want to be sullied by his eventual downfall.

You are far better than him, you are worth far more. All his followers will find out about his lies: He has to be a better and better liar and will eventually fall foul of his lies. My DM used to say "What do liars do when they are dead? Lie Still.". The truth will come out eventually.

It would be my dream to move but currently it’s not feasible, have discussed with my kids and they say they’d stay with their dad as love where they are . Ex is not my co-parent, he’s in my eyes a pretty awful dad but is good at spin and his kids are so grateful for what he breadcrumbs them that they add to the heaps of public praise that he receives.
i feel depleted.
i want to move on so desperately and I can’t understand why im wallowing, i feel so ruminative. I am neurodivergent and I think because my autonomy is compromised but lid I keep finding more sly things he’s done, all related mainly to women he’s had waiting in the wings, always denied it, some of them purposely made sure I knew their ‘close friendships’ with him,, whereas others people would say who’s that woman all over his socials of whatever and I would say oh another one who’s name he couldn’t remember when I had asked him who this new friend was , or he’d downplayed the extend of their time spent together without my knowledge. Disappeared when my life got hard and did fun stuff with them.
it hurts and I don’t know how to lift myself out of it all, I’m angry about my lack of control here, wasting my precious life

Thank you, I thought he was everything, my final one and only with such a lovely back story. It felt meaningful, my one true love 🙈

Yeah he was obnoxious but always cute, sexy, funny, generous, personable, fun etc and nobody want to hear bad about their heroes and I feel like the bitter witch. He’s gone full sacha baron coen if you know what I mean, and the young ones lap it up to. He’s a real catch in so many ways especially if you’re young and have less expectations of a fully grown middle aged man still partying like it’s 1999

he sounds like a faker, a big face of a charmer with nothing real or substantive underneath. The kind of guy that can be fun when running into him at a party and help to be a partner with.

It hurts so much to go through this process but the only way out is through. Every time he wooed you after you broke up you didn’t feel bad because you weren’t really letting go. You know letting go is the right thing. Now you’re finally doing the right thing. Pat yourself on the back. Keep going, one foot in front of the other.

Have you posted about him before? He's in the arts?

You put a lot of dreams into him and it turned out he's not the guy you thought he was. He's the shoes you really, really liked but they just didn't fit right so you had to let them go.

Get yourself busy with something else. Volunteer, take a course, learn a new language or skill, have a new personal project, but something to divert your attention from ruminating. When you find yourself ruminating about him, tell yourself you have x minutes to do that, then you focus on something else. Then cut down that ruminating time.

When people want to talk to you about what he's doing, just stop them. Hold up your hand and say I'm moving on and so is he so I'd rather not hear it. Find different topics of interest than your ex.

Did you see that Klimt painting that just sold for a record price? Something like that.

You have lost confidence in your judgement.
You don’t trust the judgement of others and believe they are taken in by him.
You are second in the queue of wise women (behind the mother of his children) and plenty will join you.
He will be irritating people though you perhaps can’t see it. I worked with someone exactly like him. He was a complete PIA.
Head up OP. You’re no longer taken in by him. He never once deserved you. Life will get better.

Not sure why you feel this when you say such crappy things about him. From your description he sounds terrible. Put him out of your head and focus on what matters, your kids.

Thank you all for responding. Yes I have completely lost all my confidence in myself and my judgement. I was happy in myself and secure and he’s left me questioning everything.
Subtle put downs and comparisons to god knows who .
He’s very good friends with the mother of his children.
he is hundred percent fake and a charmer for sure but everyone is delusional where he’s concerned, he’s got a great way of being self effacing and a very boyish charm .

I had a relationship with one of these types, I was mainly very relieved when I ended it though.
Whats best to keep in mind, is they do not change, at all.
So if he was a shit partner to you, with the compartmentalising, arms length, playing you off etc etc, he’ll be repeating those patterns with other people. I would bet there a few people he’s bestowed his attention on, and then moved on to repeat the pattern with these people feeling similar to you.
He sounds like he puts the spotslights on someone, then breadcrumbs just enough to keep them interested but never enough to be fulfilled. You are best off out of it.

You did exactly the right thing @Stucknstoopit by ending this relationship. This man is a con artist. Portrays himself as the perfect partner but all the while subtly undermining you and cultivating other relationships. It is crazy-making behaviour and I'm not surprised you feel torn. There's a huge gap here between his image and the reality. This is why you ended it - you could see right through him. You may have to watch him appearing intensely happy with various new partners. They are on a hiding to nothing. You know exactly what he's like and he won't change. He's even admitted it! You could never have felt secure with this man. He never had your back. I feel so proud of you for recognising his behaviour as manipulation and acting on it 💐

Thank you. I agree really, it was a relief to get to the end and finally draw a line under it. It felt good not to be constantly questioning my reality, am I over reacting, being jealous, too suspicious, or is he using me / using them, lying to me etc, I started to feel mad and he was treating me like I was mad.
i think had I just ended it and not had all this crap come out of the woodwork I’d have moved on quicker and easier.
instead of feeling relieved that it’s over and I’m vindicated when I learn yet another way he deceived me and made a fool of me, it just shocks and hurts me afresh and I started questioning my worth, my judgement and’why wasn’t I good enough?’

he told me that many years ago when his ex had apparently cheated on him, he got ‘revenge’ by getting with someone his ex didn’t like or trust.

im sure that’s not what’s happening now but it is weird seeing him systematically linking with every single woman I had been doubtful about when we were a ‘couple’.
presumably they were all back burner women and now he doesn’t have to be discreet anymore rather than he’s going out of his way to spite me months later.

i think all this unknown and unfinished business is impacting me too, i never got ‘closure’ with him because he lied right up to the end and he never had to own up to anything. I left him when he was still in denial .
not just women but everything. The women hurts the most along with the general secrecy and me thinking we shared everything when in fact only one of us was sharing.
He did more for his friends than anyone else, including his kids.
bare minimum dad but they and everyone else think he’s king dad.
Slippery character and good at the illusion of giving his all.

he is hundred percent fake and a charmer for sure but everyone is delusional where he’s concerned, he’s got a great way of being self effacing and a very boyish charm .

You won’t be the only one to understand this, even though you feel you are. I guarantee other males will have him sussed and some females will be playing him at his own superficial game.
I do think he’s cruelly focusing on women you suspected to get back at you, to spite you. This indicates how hurt he is by you ending it. Don’t change your mind. You did the right thing. He’s a headfuck. The best aspect of all this is that he’s putting himself out there, giving himself lots of air space, accelerating people’s inevitable conclusions about him. Really I see this completely differently to you.
Ignore the buffoon.

I love this, thank you 🤩 I don’t wish ill on him nor anyone else but it’s hard seeing him being so lauded and successful when I can barely put one foot in front of the other

Plenty of women get this - it's like puppy regret, for the first year you think WTAF was I thinking, then it becomes a joy. Men are quicker to move on but more likely not to have thought ahead. He won't have changed magically over night and the same patterns will repeat themselves for him. Get on with you, focus on you and DC and keep swimming. You will be fine and wonder what you were thinking in a few months when the dust settles and he crashes.

You need to stop focusing on everyone else being ‘deluded’ by him. I mean, you were too for a long time. They’re not in a relationship with him, so obviously they see him differently. Some people are wonderful friends and piss-poor partners.

My ex is one of these too.

It takes time but you'll get there.

Can you move?

I'm sorry you've met one of these, I only hope you didn't leave a previous partnership for him. Some men love the thrill of the chase, the highly attractive ones play love like a game. I have an ex who liked to do exactly this, countless women who have left marriages and partnerships, to feel they are the one and then when they have signed up for divorce or left the marital home the true colours come out.
He usually acts so badly that he never needed to end the relationships either, no spoken words or falling out of love just the mind fuckery of saying exactly the right thing and doing exactly the opposite. Being neglectful and breadcrumbing, pushing the women into ending the union, it's a game of no change, you think they love you enough to change because they love you so damm much but it's all false, they have no feelings.
My ex must have destroyed countless marriages, it was his hobby, once they were fully invested and previous lives ruined then it became boring for him.
He has played you, he will play everyone, even the men it's his game, just be thankful he's gone because the damage could have been much greater.

These types can be very dangerous if you provide a link to everyone finding out about their real selves, they rely on your shame of putting up with shoddy behaviour to carry on their game.
Your depression now will keep you silent, that's how bullies and users work, they stun the victim.

Just from how long this is I can tell you he’s not the one and you need to just close the door and move on. Real, deep love is simple. The right relationship is easy, and can get you through even the hardest situations life throws at you. The relationship itself shouldn’t be the hard thing.

‘no spoken words or falling out of love just the mind fuckery of saying exactly the right thing and doing exactly the opposite. Being neglectful and breadcrumbing, pushing the women into ending the union, it's a game of no change, you think they love you enough to change because they love you so damm much but it's all false, they have no feelings.’

yes exactly this, and everyone telling me how devastated and heartbroken he is, including him up until recently.
the whole thing is a mindfuck.

to the other poster:
ni i can’t move, i wish i could just to escape it all but there’s lots of ties, not least of all my kids’ needs, they’d be gutted if we moved now.