Ended relationship feel alone and he’s flying high

[Stucknstoopit]

As the title says. I ended a relationship with someone who seemed like my perfect partner but we became more and more distant.
it was like a game of push me pull you. We started as friends, became lovers, became ’partners’ but he subtly pushed me away over time while seemingly in love with me and wanting to plan a future together.
he didn’t tell me about family gatherings he used to invite me to, going off and leaving me at events, making new women friends and underplaying their closeness, lying about lots of things, keeping photos of ex in his wallet, attending events with said new friends and sharing his ‘inner circle’ with them and not me, so many things , it’s hard to explain.
still publicly showing me as his partner and telling everyone how much he loved me, treating me to lovely gifts, time away together, being affectionate and wanting to be around me.
like two different people, a partner and a single man.
i found it really confusing especially when id find out, usually from someone else about his lies and intense new friendships.
in the end i ended it, despite being talked out of it by him, by friends etc
he is well off and well respected in our town and in his field.
very popular and has women after him all the time.
i think he wanted to look like a respectable family man whilst living a hedonistic single man existence.
i ended things a few times over the years, he was always seemingly heartbroken and made promises that he barely kept and in the end I felt I’d lost myself.
i was exhausted, humiliated and heartbroken.
i cut off all contact and tried to get back on track.
it meant losing lots of friendships because he is prominent in our social circle and i couldn’t deal with his constant ‘presence’ , people telling me his news, people trying to get us back together , women telling me how close they’d become to him and it was like torture so I just kept my head down and focused on my little life.
he wrote to me a few times, how he was devastated, how he wanted to change and for me to give him another chance etc.
a family issue of his meant I briefly reopened contact and he started to frequently send me messages, pictures, shared memories etc and I would get nostalgic but try to remind myself why I ended things.
as time went on the contact grew less.
i hear on the grapevine he’s doing this and that, women he told me were nothing to worry about were publicly at his side everywhere and little things got back to me that meant he’d been more deceitful than I ever realised.

he's in my group of friends and being a small town I feel like I have nowhere and nobody to socialise with, he’s everywhere.

hes stopped sending me anything at all now and not making any contact anymore .

i should be relieved he’s leaving me alone. I needed to be free of him and now he’s finally stopped talking to me altogether.
He has multiple projects on the go and has clearly thrown himself into making a name for himself in lots of things linked to our shared hobby so I can’t even follow it online without seeing his name and some of the fawning women who were my friends.
I have not moved on, nor found anything new to focus on, I am just in limbo, feeling sad, feeling let down and disappointed and lonely.
i feel more upset now than I did when I ended things.
i think back then I was galvanised by anger towards him (and myself for putting up with him)
then i didn’t know about even a fraction of his lies so I keep getting shocked afresh and it’s like the wound never gets a chance to heal
seeing him riding high and becoming more popular and sought after is making me feel like maybe I made a mistake.
if all these people adore him perhaps I’m in the wrong, misinterpreted his actions or my expectations were too high?
all my friends thought I was lucky to have him but he didn’t make me feel safe.

part of me probably felt a bit cheered by his constant trying to get me back and now he’s stopped and is being appropriate in terms of our ex relationship I have to face the fact he was never going to be the partner he claimed to be.
i don’t know, I just feel so bereft and at sea.
does anyone get it?
am I alone in feeling like this?
is it normal to regret breaking up when someone was not good for you?

I didn’t leave another relationship for him I’ve been single for years until he came along.
i had also known him a long time so I think I went with what I thought I knew of him and ignored early red flags because of the attributes I believed he had, he does, surface level and when it suits him

Let me get this straight. He’s a grown middle aged man who parties like it’s 1999, looking for young females (less likely to sneer at him plus it flatters his ego), not with the mother of his children (they get on that well, but not well enough to stay together), is spiteful so childish when rejected by a partner.
Is he Peter Pan?
He’ll never settle, never be responsible in a relationship or for his children. You’re well rid. He’s been playing you.
Good at spin? He’s not bright enough to realise he’s only fooling himself. He’s fickle and now surrounded by fickle people.

Yes it's called being part of a harem, a back up. His entire life will have been like this flirting and schmoozing with women for years, collecting admirers, they become useful when needed.

I don't mean to be rude but as you say he could have probably got anyone he wanted, but they make you feel special as though there is something different about you, but secretly they dislike you for thinking too much of yourself.

This is the crux of the matter.

Ultimately you have lost nothing, it never existed the two way reciprocation of love, all of it was engineered for you to give and him to take. His words mean nothing, hold onto that reality, just make sure you don't communicate again.

He will play his part of the wouded man to others, let him, you know your truth, he's treated you badly but it was always going to end this way, you never felt safe and that was your warning.

@GrowingCold ’s advice is solid gold.

I think I remember your previous thread and you were so miserable then. It really hasn’t been that long, give yourself time to heal.

I would block him on social media and look for a new hobby, one totally different to him and his groupies.

Time is a healer and you really have done the right thing.

@HelpMySocksAreTouchingMe is very right.

Time is the only healer, no point of revenge or retribution, you cannot win against these types.

Cold hard facts, if he's a stunner with narc tendancies there will always be a stream of women to stroke his ego, each woman to him is no better than the last. You have to get back to being you, liking yourself and doing something that will replace the false confidence that he gave you.

It sounds hard and it is, you will not only grieve him, but also the trust in yourself and others. Give yourself time that's all you can do, there is no shortcut, but regaining confidence in yourself is the key, no other man can do it, and if he were so perfect in your eyes then you could be searching forever for a replacement and just end up with another self absorbed narc, and remember the ones available are the ones on the street playing these games.

You will recover just give yourself time and don't be too hard on yourself.
And him, he will never change or recognise what he's done, his confidence is linked to his looks and many of these types age incredibly well until they reach the upper ages, late 60's 70's, he may well calm down by then, maybe.

You don't need a man, you don't need sex, you're just programmed to think you do by society, for many beautiful women, men bring pain and misery because a beautiful man can act very differently to a beautiful woman who proffesses to be in love.
Being self reliant emotionally can be very empowering, you will know it when you get there, I wish you well on the journey.

You are far far better and above him. He is an old Lothario and will be derided and mocked behind his back and then to his face. It is probably happening now, it's just you don't see it.

Hold your head up high and look on his antics with derision. The clown (idiot) is not what you thought and you are well rid. Be haughty when told of his behaviour, see it for what it is: games, acts and lies.

You on the other hand are a genuine, truthful, beautiful person in mind and body. You will always have good faithful friends, although you probably cannot see that at this time. Do not be browbeaten by circumstances.

Thank you all for such lovely insightful comments. I have no idea why it’s affecting me like this. I should be relieved. I think it’s the fact I’m realising the extent of his deceit at the same time as he has reduced and stopped his efforts at reconciliation plus is publicly attaching to all these women at the same time , while I’m reeling and invisible , trying to keep myself motivated to function at a basic level every hour of every day with nobody but myself holding me together

I don’t think you’re over him, your words are almost awe struck with how fabulous you think he is, your jealous over other women, palpable, although it is jot clear if he ever cheated, and you enjoyed he was trying to ger you back,upset he is now not interested.

you need to decide what you want. Do you want back with him. Knowing what it entails? Because that’s not going to change. If so, then speak to him and if it’s a no, move on, maybe therapy, or something ri divert your mind. He isn’t everywhere, it is just you’re looking for him.

No I don’t think I am over him and definitely don’t want him back. I thought I was completely over him but when I realised that I never had the full picture or even half of it then it was scratching at the unhealed wounds I was trying to fix in the aftermath of the‘’relationship’.
I’m not in awe at all but trying to paint a clear picture here to tell the story, more about his perceived fabulousness and absolute joy in comparison to my disappointment and sadness .
i don’t think there’s anything fabulous about an ageing dishonest Peter Pan type but i am pissed off that his behaviour and lies have had such an impact on me while he goes on like the pied piper picking up half of my friends in his increasingly big entourage.

But it does read like you think he is everything, read back your descriptions, yes some negativity when pushed, but it’s all about how fabulous he is.

i think focus on your health snd children, you say you’re unwell and barely functioning, are you getting support?

I'm so sorry OP. I don't really have any advice except to keep pushing through and eventually it will all seem better and you will feel more positive about your life.

I've been there, was really messed around by someone I was mad about. I think I kind of knew deep down it wasn't right and he'd never be the partner who felt as much for me as I did for him, but I kept pushing those thoughts down and persevering with making it work. Tried to leave, got sucked back in as missed him so much. Then a few months later he found someone else anyway and it ended abruptly though he thought we "could be friends". What a joke, seeing him and hearing about him was so painful, I just wished he'd disappear. I kept trying to be positive, keep my chin up, live my best life but it felt like things kept going wrong for me while his life went from strength to strength in every way. I kept thinking "where is this karma people speak of?" Eventually I did get over him and have a happy life but it took time.

Thank you @honeylulu for sharing that. I’m sorry you experienced this too. You describe exactly how I’m feeling.

all of it, even him trying to be friends, I said no because I wouldn’t treat my friends the way he’d treated me but I didn’t give an explanation and when I’m ruminating over all this stuff I keep asking myself if there’s anything I could have done or said differently, maybe I didn’t give him enough chance to prove he’s changed (what he said), maybe I didn’t articulate my needs clearly enough, maybe I should fight for him against the other women (my friends said) but all of them felt pointless to me at the time and in reality I know it’s still pointless but I think part of my depression was the fear that I’d thrown something away.

like you said, everything that could go wrong has gone wrong since we split, part of me thinks even though he’s a selfish arsehole at least I’d have had him in my corner instead of facing all this alone.

i have to keep reminding myself how he abandoned me at times when i really needed a shoulder or a hug when we were together and i was ‘the love of his life’

I’m really glad you feel more positive and I hope to god I can get there too.

The only Love of His Life is Himself. Just remember that and keep going. Big Hug to you.

He sounds just like my dad. My mum divorced him after decades of this - hardest but best thing she’s ever done, although he played nasty and it went on years. Stay strong and don’t go back. I promise it’ll get better and you’ll wonder why you didn’t do it sooner.

Thank you. I’m glad your mum finally got free. I’m gutted I wasted as much time as I did, fretting and crying over him and bending myself into uncomfortable, ever shrinking shapes to try and compensate for where he was actually broken.
I feel like that’s precious time with my kids I’ll never get back

Thank you. Hug gratefully accepted and reciprocated

Kind of made your bed. You finished with him. Either get back with him or move on

People aren’t stupid, a lot will see straight through the charmer, and if they don’t immediately they will sooner or later.

Your friends that are being friends with him, aren’t your real friends, because they’re not being loyal to you.

Give yourself time to dust yourself off, and you’ll look back and be so pleased you ended it with the headfuck of a man.

He really isn’t a catch as he will treat others the way he treated you, it’s all an act. And the good looks will fade. If you can afford it plan some trips away, weekends, whatever, maybe special interest groups, meet new people and broaden your horizons above this big fish in a small pond.

I’ve been in a similar place. It took me all of my strength to break up with him. He pressured me to get back with him for months. When he’d gone I had a massive wobble and thought I’d made a mistake. Tried to get back with him. Luckily, he was trying to manage multiple women and I saw how right I was to break up. I’ve never looked back since.
Your ex absolutely can’t be a happy man with all that shallow nonsense going on. He must be incredibly insecure. You deserve better. He doesn’t and hasn’t made you happy. The rest is veneer. He’s really not living this amazing life. I don’t know what to advise re: small town etc but ask your friends not to talk about him. It will get easier.

I haven’t read the whole thread, just your original question but not once do you mention missing HIM, you only talk about your doubts because it sounds like you think there aren’t any other options in your small town. You do not love that man, do not settle because you’re afraid of being alone. Your world will open up when you’re ready.

From your description it sounds as though you have sadly been completely taken in by a narcissist. You should read up on this which should clarify what has happened. There is loads of information out there, both in print and on the net. You have to go 100% no contact. Do not be taken in by him again. You have done the right thing to walk away. It will take time to heal and see clearly what has happened but you will get there. Be kind to yourself and keep moving forward. Well done for taking the first step in the right direction.

I did really miss him as the person and all the things we shared which is what he kept trying to reignite with all his communication to me after we split but the more i learn about him and realise , the less I feel I knew ‘him’ at all. He feels like a stranger to me.
it’s really discomfiting to realise I was sharing my bed , my deepest thought, fears and feelings, sexual fantasies etc with someone who has turned out to be a complete stranger.
There aren’t many options but tbf I don’t feel anywhere near ready to even consider talking to another man right now, I have completely lost confidence in my judgement and in myself and my attractiveness etc

He is at total con artist and a pathological liar.. If you are in a relationship with a man trash like him and your have a health problem

Always get rid for the sake of your health

Sounds as though he may also have some kind of hidden substance abuse problem. Possibly alcohol or cocaine

And also think of seeing a therapist/counsellor to help you heal.