Ended relationship feel alone and he’s flying high

[Stucknstoopit]

As the title says. I ended a relationship with someone who seemed like my perfect partner but we became more and more distant.
it was like a game of push me pull you. We started as friends, became lovers, became ’partners’ but he subtly pushed me away over time while seemingly in love with me and wanting to plan a future together.
he didn’t tell me about family gatherings he used to invite me to, going off and leaving me at events, making new women friends and underplaying their closeness, lying about lots of things, keeping photos of ex in his wallet, attending events with said new friends and sharing his ‘inner circle’ with them and not me, so many things , it’s hard to explain.
still publicly showing me as his partner and telling everyone how much he loved me, treating me to lovely gifts, time away together, being affectionate and wanting to be around me.
like two different people, a partner and a single man.
i found it really confusing especially when id find out, usually from someone else about his lies and intense new friendships.
in the end i ended it, despite being talked out of it by him, by friends etc
he is well off and well respected in our town and in his field.
very popular and has women after him all the time.
i think he wanted to look like a respectable family man whilst living a hedonistic single man existence.
i ended things a few times over the years, he was always seemingly heartbroken and made promises that he barely kept and in the end I felt I’d lost myself.
i was exhausted, humiliated and heartbroken.
i cut off all contact and tried to get back on track.
it meant losing lots of friendships because he is prominent in our social circle and i couldn’t deal with his constant ‘presence’ , people telling me his news, people trying to get us back together , women telling me how close they’d become to him and it was like torture so I just kept my head down and focused on my little life.
he wrote to me a few times, how he was devastated, how he wanted to change and for me to give him another chance etc.
a family issue of his meant I briefly reopened contact and he started to frequently send me messages, pictures, shared memories etc and I would get nostalgic but try to remind myself why I ended things.
as time went on the contact grew less.
i hear on the grapevine he’s doing this and that, women he told me were nothing to worry about were publicly at his side everywhere and little things got back to me that meant he’d been more deceitful than I ever realised.

he's in my group of friends and being a small town I feel like I have nowhere and nobody to socialise with, he’s everywhere.

hes stopped sending me anything at all now and not making any contact anymore .

i should be relieved he’s leaving me alone. I needed to be free of him and now he’s finally stopped talking to me altogether.
He has multiple projects on the go and has clearly thrown himself into making a name for himself in lots of things linked to our shared hobby so I can’t even follow it online without seeing his name and some of the fawning women who were my friends.
I have not moved on, nor found anything new to focus on, I am just in limbo, feeling sad, feeling let down and disappointed and lonely.
i feel more upset now than I did when I ended things.
i think back then I was galvanised by anger towards him (and myself for putting up with him)
then i didn’t know about even a fraction of his lies so I keep getting shocked afresh and it’s like the wound never gets a chance to heal
seeing him riding high and becoming more popular and sought after is making me feel like maybe I made a mistake.
if all these people adore him perhaps I’m in the wrong, misinterpreted his actions or my expectations were too high?
all my friends thought I was lucky to have him but he didn’t make me feel safe.

part of me probably felt a bit cheered by his constant trying to get me back and now he’s stopped and is being appropriate in terms of our ex relationship I have to face the fact he was never going to be the partner he claimed to be.
i don’t know, I just feel so bereft and at sea.
does anyone get it?
am I alone in feeling like this?
is it normal to regret breaking up when someone was not good for you?

Thank you. I kept questioning whether he is a narcissist or not in my head for years but I think because he was never actively horrible to me per se it confused me.
he never said mean things apart from later in our relationship subtle observations about my appearance and body / figure ,he lied all the time which I didn’t realise at first , things he didn’t need to lie about but I think it was habit, probably from long before I met him and fit with his Peter Pan boyish style, lying to get out of ‘trouble’ , like a kid.

it was exhausting because again, it didn’t fit with the character I believed he was and it often left me feeling confused and guilty about mistrusting him, I have learned more and see this is classic behaviour from someone like him .

and because he is so popular and respected and plays such a good game nobody would ever doubt that he is a genuinely good and authentic person with integrity and strong morals and then he’d say that he must be a bad person for me to keep being upset or disbelieving him then I’d feel guilty as though I am being emotionally abusive and I started hating myself .
typing this makes me see how toxic the whole thing was

Yes it turned out of course he was in ‘recovery’ from a ‘borderline’ problem.
he wasn’t actually in any program, rather his
recovery just just happened on maybe Tuesdays and Wednesdays and the rest of the time he was lying to me or was not with me.

He is like a magician’s top hat where you pull the hanky and it just keeps unravelling and getting longer and longer with more crazy things being pulled out like a rabbit and a typewriter and a blankety blank chequebook and pen and even though we are not together it still keeps coming.
I feel incredibly naive and as time went on I think it was harder and harder for him to settle into the domesticity and happy content life he said he valued with me. His friendship group had changed and got younger generally, all of them into a wilder scene and with multiple younger women

as time went on, where he used to laugh at them, he started to seem quite impressed by the calibre of the women and then started to form friendships with them himself which I found a bit weird and it shook my confidence a bit.

had our relationship felt secure it wouldn’t have bothered me as much but as we got closer to the end, he tried less and less and started being weird about the new friendships , secretive and awkward and still expecting me to be at home waiting for him.

on top of everything else I just couldn’t handle it anymore.

Looking back it probably is a lot more substance related than i thought.

I say his friendship group changed, it didn’t change as such, he just went out more often so he connected more with more people who were his current friends but some of them being younger were bringing in more women and women bringing their friends etc. on the rare occasions we were together I often felt old and frumpy and I’m not frumpy at all but their circle attracts very glamorous and expensive people, I just don’t have that in me and he never seemed like it either but he had started to wear much more designer clothes

He sounds like a bit of an egomaniac and thankfully you managed to see through it and ended the one-sided relationship. It must be hard with your social circle and health worried, but don’t he fooled by his photos and stories of his seemingly perfect life. Nobody’s life is perfect and we see only what others allow us to see. Take care of yourself and DC. Chances are you’ve had a lucky escape.

Omg I know you’re feeling bad but get a hold of yourself woman! If feels a bit like you're living in a self indulgent fantasy world, obsessive over a narcissistic douche bag!

Get up tomorrow, look after your kids and start living life in the real world. It might be difficult but seriously this is a bit OTT. Forget this loser and make new friends if you need to.

Thank you. I know in my heart I have done the right thing, he was draining me, I think I am just so stuck in this interim phase and it’s hard hearing and seeing him, like someone said, big fish, small pond, superficial back slapping and lots of money and opportunities,
people piggybacking over each other.
i think I was supposed to quietly fill the wife role by his side when he needed to schmooze and then turn a blind eye the rest of the time

If you are ND and have a LTC and are getting over the stress and shock of realising you have been played you will be very depleted in energy. You need to remember that if you are holding it together at work and as a mum you are doing well. Stay in touch with the supportive friends, plan a few treats or new experiences for you/you and the kids occassionally but don't overdo it. Lower your expectations and let yourself recover in your own time. There's no point checking up on what's happening with him - he's such a fake he's always going to make it look like he's got it all. It will get better but give yourself lots of time.

I second this but also you have not had any real time to recover, it sounds like you've had no peace with all the new revelations.

It's a good time of year to withdraw from the world and get off social media. Treat yourself like you would another person who needs looking after. Baths, books, walks, hot chocolate, talks with friends etc, take all the pressure off yourself. There is no way of speeding up this process so lean into it, accept that you're going to feel shit for a while. Try not to spend too much time going over things in your head though, find a way to let it go, shout it into the void and leave it there.
Remember the way he made you feel, that was the reality of it. If he was making you feel bad he meant to.
Other people "adore" him in a superficial way, they don't know him. I'd feel sorry for the people who get taken in by him, he is more definitely not a prize. At least you have seen him for what he is, this gives you some power that others don't have

Thank you 🤩 it’s so helpful when people understand the challenges. I am beyond depleted.
I work ft in a non stop environment and am generally frazzled, my self care is non existent and anything I have left goes into the kids.
i am trying to get on top of it , I don’t do well in winter at the best of times, am waiting to start therapy and (not tonight) trying to get some early nights in .
i know he is forever chasing the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and even with my challenges I am far more stable and mature than he can handle and I would rather be single than be with some 2D character.

Thank you. Yes that’s exactly it. I was very confident in my decision when we first split, I was going out and even meeting other men when out who were interested but I never got as far as dating because i absolutely wasn’t ready, then I had a long painful flare up of my condition and it was during this time that the things blew up with people telling me this and that, at the time I’d taken myself completely off all the socials and asked people not to tell me anything and at first it kind of felt like a relief because I was vindicated but then I was starting to really struggle with various things including financial after a few huge unexpected events seemed to happen like a domino effect.
I dropped out altogether from social media because of the weird crossover with some friends, having already deleted hundreds of mutual connections but even though that’s better in terms of moving on it’s part of what’s left me feeling incredibly isolated and having pangs of missing a crappy person.
if I were in full health like a regular person I honestly don’t think I’d be feeling quite as bad or sad.

tbh offloading on here has felt beneficial today

Hi Lovely, I’ve been through my fair share of heartbreaks with all sorts involved. I think it’s time to be selfish. F him. And just think about you. He is a shit person, end of and the next person he is with will undoubtedly come to the same conclusion.

Give yourself a week to feel sad and be in your feelings after that put it in a box and TRY to move on, not romantically but put yourself out there. Go out with friends, attend a club you’ve been eyeing for a bit, go to the gym. Life isn’t over, don’t live it like it is. I’ll be your online cheerleader, you’re not alone.

I ended my marriage almost a year ago now. And I hear you. It can be really hard to move on. From day one I went about building my solo life. I joined a daily meditation group - online. I joined a monthly art group. I attended alanon meetings to look at my codependent behaviours and own my part in it. I booked holidays with my Dsis and my DDs. I journaled every day. And I visualised my ex as a random standing at the bus stop … someone I just glanced at, who meant nothing to me. I got out for a walk in nature almost every day. I attended sound baths. I started a course of online study.

I had made someone else’s life more important than mine …a year on its all different. A couple of weeks back I attended the same concert as him and his new gf … it had no effect on me. I bathe them in light. I wish him well. And her. She needs all the light she can get 😂

This reminds me so much of my ex when we were together - so many times he'd push me away, very subtly, while proclaiming everything was fine, he loved me etc (and I always felt like I was the one causing drama by questioning). It's like there were these two different faces to him, and there'd be cycles where things would be wonderful again and then the coldness would set in. I realised he is a narcissist, but the vulnerable, covert passive aggressive type. He has loads of friends, including longstanding ones. I do think it's possible there are people who can be decent friends but awful partners. I also learned he treated the mothers of his other kids/ ex wives in similar ways.

So what B List celeb is the OP talking about?.

I think it's obvious you were always going to feel like this because he is the master of looking like a beautiful social butterfly isnt he? he's charming people left right and centre so of course his social media (and others that star him in it) is going to look glittering and impressive.

You know the truth though - underneath the gold paint, it's all completely mouldy and rotten. Dont be fooled by this - you know exactly how he will be treating all those new women on his arm- absolutely no different to how he treated you. Dont buy what he's selling- it's all lies.

He sounds like a typical narc to me. Watch this video, I think it will help you:

This guy sounds like an absolute joke. It feels like he's the sort of character you find in a sitcom or a TV drama and laugh at. Like that character Nigel Havers played in Corrie years ago. He's just a con man, a legend in his own lunchtime. He's about as authentic as a 17p piece and I'm sorry he had this effect on you. I think the same about your so called friends too.

I think you need to use a mantra to train your brain and frame your thinking around this man.

I would suggest "He's no longer my problem".

So when you are having thoughts like:

"He's out with that girl I was suspicious of" reply to yourself "He's no longer my problem".

"He breadcrumbs his children and they adore him"...... "He's no longer my problem".

"He used to lie to me, he's fooling everyone" ....."He's no longer my problem"

Yes it's perfectly normal to feel like this. It took me years to get over the end of my marriage, but I barely give my ex a thought now! I wouldn't be too sure his life is that great though, men don't like to admit emotional pain. I finally moved on when I stated going out again and found new friends and interests. And yes I did have a lovely new relationship but that's another story!

This, nailed it...

It hurts like hell, I know and yes, everyone thinks he's the nice guy...
Sorry, but sounds like he's an embarassment, you have dignity and self respect, you are really so much better than being with a guy who flits around the scene like a social butterfly, giving off 'single man' vibes...
Take your time, it sounds like you are grieving the relationship, but it does get better. Sending love xx

Am catching up with responses now. Usually when a relationship finishes you can have a bit of a rant with your friends and let off some steam but this person is friends with most of my close friends, the ones I’d normally meet and have a rant with but as things started to go wrong with us I soon realised that my friends didn’t want to know at all, most of them were gracious and diplomatic but it was very clear that nobody wanted to enter into any dialogue which painted him in anything other than glowing colours.
so I am left with not only the loss of a relationship which was at first beautiful and felt like kismet but as it sank and i became sad and disappointed there was no anchor for me elsewhere.
peoples cognitive dissonance came into play and the few friends I have now who don’t really know him and just know how he made me feel are of the mindset that it’s over now, I’ve made my decision and those who have ‘chosen’ him over me aren’t worth worrying about.
its been destabilising and I’ve been left with a completely different perspective, my social network has changed beyond recognition and I feel completely at sea.
coupled with pain, fatigue and mobility issues and it’s a one way trip to depressville which I’m fighting really hard to keep out of

Some men are like that flitting around like social butterflies incorperating their socal lives with their jobs, they are on the streets, collecting admirers, connections and new sexual play times.
You would never know how many times his deceit comes into play but you know it doesn't feel right, he was probably always like this in your relationship but you never noticed in the beggining.

These types only want a superficial love, one that cooks, cleans and listens, supports them, takes on the admin garbage of life and is available for a sure lay when their other exploits run a bit low.
They do not want home and home life, they are hard dogs to keep on the porch.

Set him free and see him roam with the other pack dogs on the street, this one is no family boy.
The only thing he will bring is trouble and heartache.

Thanks I will check it out. It’s weird thinking of him as a narcissist, I often wondered but as I said before, he never seemed to be actively mean , now I’m thinking there’s other ways to be narcissistic whilst acting humble and self effacing. He is definitely a Jekyll and Hyde character but I think only a very small number of people would ever get close enough to see that side of him.

he acts like a people pleaser in a lot of ways, also struggles to accept compliments and his mantra is ‘I just want everyone to be happy’
he would say things like he’s ‘scared’ of me and that’s why he lied or whatever and I believed it’s me who was the narcissist or abusive because I’d get so upset every time he forgot me, overlooked me, lied to me, minimised my feelings and my pain.

he wasn’t there for me during a lot of difficult times and would say it’s because I hadn’t explicitly stated my need, I could never work out if he wasn’t gaslighting or if I’m just incredibly bad at articulating my needs.

I know people are suggesting I’m obsessing and I’m really not but it’s left me with so many questions, not just about him, our relationship and my disloyal friends but about myself, my character, my appearance, my reputation, my place in my community etc etc.

I was my own person and then i became ‘X’s girlfriend’ and in that period lost all my confidence and now I don’t know what I am.
i know im a mum and that’s my priority. I know my job which I’m very good at but my hobbies have changed, partly because saturated by him and his friends an y ex friends but also I have no energy to pursue other things.
im in limbo

lol he’s not a celeb or b list anything but he’s successful in his field and the field is very social, charitable and corporate events , and his presence is always a coup.

He’s popular and fun and incredibly generous and entertaining and like one of the in-crowd.
He always struck me as not into the superficiality of it in the same way others are, as though he tolerated that part and was almost embarrassed by his popularity and downplayed it
as time’s gone on I realise he is exactly that type of person and just played at being humble, so again, another part of him I completely misread / he misrepresented

Op, you have put this man onto a pedestal and believe that he is clearly the prize with all these dazzling qualities you have attributed to him. Pull your energy 100 per cent onto yourself and your children. Learn to love and value yourself and with time you will see that you were the one with all the gifts that you were pouring into him and depleting yourself. Try to limit your social media as it’s a form of digital self harm at this stage. Wishing you all the best on your healing journey x