Ended relationship feel alone and he’s flying high

[Stucknstoopit]

As the title says. I ended a relationship with someone who seemed like my perfect partner but we became more and more distant.
it was like a game of push me pull you. We started as friends, became lovers, became ’partners’ but he subtly pushed me away over time while seemingly in love with me and wanting to plan a future together.
he didn’t tell me about family gatherings he used to invite me to, going off and leaving me at events, making new women friends and underplaying their closeness, lying about lots of things, keeping photos of ex in his wallet, attending events with said new friends and sharing his ‘inner circle’ with them and not me, so many things , it’s hard to explain.
still publicly showing me as his partner and telling everyone how much he loved me, treating me to lovely gifts, time away together, being affectionate and wanting to be around me.
like two different people, a partner and a single man.
i found it really confusing especially when id find out, usually from someone else about his lies and intense new friendships.
in the end i ended it, despite being talked out of it by him, by friends etc
he is well off and well respected in our town and in his field.
very popular and has women after him all the time.
i think he wanted to look like a respectable family man whilst living a hedonistic single man existence.
i ended things a few times over the years, he was always seemingly heartbroken and made promises that he barely kept and in the end I felt I’d lost myself.
i was exhausted, humiliated and heartbroken.
i cut off all contact and tried to get back on track.
it meant losing lots of friendships because he is prominent in our social circle and i couldn’t deal with his constant ‘presence’ , people telling me his news, people trying to get us back together , women telling me how close they’d become to him and it was like torture so I just kept my head down and focused on my little life.
he wrote to me a few times, how he was devastated, how he wanted to change and for me to give him another chance etc.
a family issue of his meant I briefly reopened contact and he started to frequently send me messages, pictures, shared memories etc and I would get nostalgic but try to remind myself why I ended things.
as time went on the contact grew less.
i hear on the grapevine he’s doing this and that, women he told me were nothing to worry about were publicly at his side everywhere and little things got back to me that meant he’d been more deceitful than I ever realised.

he's in my group of friends and being a small town I feel like I have nowhere and nobody to socialise with, he’s everywhere.

hes stopped sending me anything at all now and not making any contact anymore .

i should be relieved he’s leaving me alone. I needed to be free of him and now he’s finally stopped talking to me altogether.
He has multiple projects on the go and has clearly thrown himself into making a name for himself in lots of things linked to our shared hobby so I can’t even follow it online without seeing his name and some of the fawning women who were my friends.
I have not moved on, nor found anything new to focus on, I am just in limbo, feeling sad, feeling let down and disappointed and lonely.
i feel more upset now than I did when I ended things.
i think back then I was galvanised by anger towards him (and myself for putting up with him)
then i didn’t know about even a fraction of his lies so I keep getting shocked afresh and it’s like the wound never gets a chance to heal
seeing him riding high and becoming more popular and sought after is making me feel like maybe I made a mistake.
if all these people adore him perhaps I’m in the wrong, misinterpreted his actions or my expectations were too high?
all my friends thought I was lucky to have him but he didn’t make me feel safe.

part of me probably felt a bit cheered by his constant trying to get me back and now he’s stopped and is being appropriate in terms of our ex relationship I have to face the fact he was never going to be the partner he claimed to be.
i don’t know, I just feel so bereft and at sea.
does anyone get it?
am I alone in feeling like this?
is it normal to regret breaking up when someone was not good for you?

So if he's that great a person then why didn't the mother of his dcs stick with him? You say that your dcs Dad ex can put a spin on things and your recent ex is a bit of a charmer. Maybe you fall for the same sort of guy. Charmers that seem wonderful to the outside world.
Never forget that social media is fake too. He will look like he's having a fantastic time. The women will want to be seen with him looking as though a fantastic time. Esp if he is good looking/ well known etc. Some women are desperate to look like they've hooked the most popular person.
OP you know what he's really like. He's untrustworthy and unreliable. If your health deteriorated because of him then its6no surprise. Your health isn't worth it.
He probably isn't having such a great a time as portrayed. Once you get yourself back to where you should be you'll realise what a lucky escape you've had. I saw a friend through similar and like your friends, all of us could see how fake and slimy he was but it took her a lot longer to see it. She too became very unwell but is fine now.
Not being able to trust someone is a headfuck/massive red flag. Focus on your dcs. You'll get through this.

Also, subtle putdowns etc is a sign of coercive control. He's not that wonderful a person if he does this in a relationship is he OP? Come on, you deserve better. 💐

He worded it so cleverly that it sounded like a compliment, a backhanded compliment really.

I look back and think he is very skilled in the art of deflection, there was so much secrecy, lies and gaslighting in what I believed was an otherwise happy relationship.

he was so ‘loving’ and ‘romantic’, big gestures , public gestures I didn’t know if I was coming or going and then I would get angry because his words, actions and behaviour was incongruent, so I would challenge things that didn’t add up and end up feeling like I’m super critical and emotionally abusive when I was trying to fill in the grey areas or make sense of what was reality or imagined

Im in exactly the same position as you, and VERY similar story too.
The past 3 years have been mentally abusive, I helped him through the toughest part of his life which has impacted oir entire family. Now he has turned a corner and is "well" again, fit & healthy, and now the improved him is here, he doesnt want to try again as he has met someone else. Im in total shock and devastated he has taken my best years like I never did matter-I dont understand it, and its taking over my life-so I had to comment to say that, you are not alone in this. Hopefully someone will give some good advice 🙏

All I can say to both of you is that not is all that it seems. They will always revert to type. They can't help it. It's their trait to behave this way.
You may not see it happening but unfortunately the person they now with will eventually experience the same behaviour towards them. It might take a while for them to see it and one of the reasons will be because they confuse things by being charming on the surface whilst being manipulative by critising, not openly obvious but more in a subtle, sneaky way to confuse you.
Whilst appearing to be confident charming etc these people have an inner lack of esteem. It's all a facade. They need control and don't want to be with someone that they have lost the control of.
You really don't want to be that person they can control. You really don't want to be that person who returns to them for a second round of psychological abuse and mind games. Because have no doubt in your mind that it IS abuse just in a much more devious way. Sucking the joy out of you. Let it go. You're worth more than this.

Bless you. I am sorry you’re going through this, it’s horrible when you’ve given so much of yourself, your time, your emotional energy .
i feel i could have used my energies more effectively elsewhere in a way that would benefit me and my family as opposed to slogging away at supporting him and including him in everything believing we were working towards cxxx a future together.
i hope that you will find a way out from feeling this way

The twat that played me back then is now a millionaire. Still playing around but married now.

I agree with this poster. I dated one of these, almost exactly the same story. Friends for a long time, truly 'in love'. What a nice guy, lots of earnest female friendships, so warm, what an overworked dad, what a charmer! Actually a low level narcissist with commitment issues and a middle aged baby who still wanted to go out and the girls to like him. Honestly, I feel sick thinking about it now. And the special backstory, that's what he's setting up with each member of the harem.

I'm glad to hear this fella is back on the shelf working his ridiculous ego hamster wheel. It's making you second guess because now all you can see is his overstyled exterior. Just remember how he actually made you feel. Well done OP, I salute you.

I love this, thank you for sharing, it sounds almost the same as my situation!
we are completely over and I’m starting to feel less emotionally attached now, keep reminding myself of the times I saw beyond his facade and I am reminding myself how he made me feel!
thank you ☺️

How have you been getting on OP?
I'll admit, im massively struggling.
We live in a very small town and i feel like im in a goldfish bowl and everyone can see me and knows about my business. We also have children together or i would have moved away by now (unfortunately I cant move because 2 of our 3 children are on the spectrum with multiple issues and I rely on the grandparents for help).
If you are doing well, please tell me what u have done to help :)

I truly hope you are healing from this. These type of people are dangerous.