This is a big deal, right?

[Windowcleaning]

DH has said repeatedly over the course of this year that he no longer wants to be with me. Together over 20 years, married for 18, two teens still at home.

We've been in couple therapy since July. His idea, and I thought the plan was that we both really worked on our relationship. DH seems to think the plan is that he continues with his expensive and time consuming activities outside of the family, goes out as much and when he wants and we have sex more often.

Clearly, we are not on the same page. He doesn't seem to understand that him telling me that he doesn't want to be with me is hurtful and a complete turn off.

This is a big deal in a long-term relationship, isn't it? He's showing no signs of intending to move out, which is really disorientating.

In all honesty, if his hobbies come first, he doesn't want to put the work in and doesn't want to be with me, I don't want to be with him,

This is very significant isn't it? DH is acting as though it's the most normal thing in the world to just say this, and it's doing my head in a bit.

Why do you want to be with someone who treats you so poorly?

Yes, it's very significant.

If he wants to participate in therapy to "fix" you (and not to fix himself), then forget it, it can't work.

It's massively significant and a total headfuck to say something like that and then even suggest that you might want to have sex with him at all, let alone more often! And just hanging around carrying on as normal? Wtf? I'm furious on your behalf- what a dick!

He's acting as though you're so desperate to be with him that you'll put up with crumbs and being treated like shit, but it sounds like you would rather he fucked off than messed you around which will hopefully give you the strength to tell him to fuck off!

Is your therapist any good?

Spot on.

Yes it is a big deal

How do you mean he says he doesn’t want to be with you & carries on like it’s the most normal thing in the world to say ? ( it’s not ) ..
What like randomly says it ? ..
He sounds painful with regard to everything else ..
Let him F off with his expensive hobbies & goes out as much as he pleases..
Why would you want him OP 🤷🏻‍♀️
We don’t need selfish men who put themselves first in our lives x

He doesn't want to be with you yet wants sex with you more often?

My vagina would clamp shut. He sounds like a fucking idiot.

I'd take the bull by the horns and tell him it's over, and he should leave.

don’t let him treat you like this. The gall of him. Totally unacceptable.

Seriously. Leave.ibet he thinks he's really important. H
And has always been told he is. He isn't. He's a small dick.

I don't understand OP.

If he repeatedly says he doesn't want to be with you then why aren't you accepting what he is saying? It seems pretty clear.

It may be very painful to end your marriage but you can't force someone to want to stay married. Surely much better to accept it and start rebuilding your life?

Thanks all. That is what's doing my head in - he says he doesn't want to be with me yet is making no plans to leave.

I wouldn't say that he thinks he is important tbh, if anything, his self-esteem is quite low

I don't know if the therapist is any good. Never done couples therapy before. The main reason that dh wanted to go was, it seems to me, for a facilitated situation for him to tell me how much he resents me. His main resentments are that I made a suicide attempt when I had undiagnosed PND when one of our children was 2 and the other 8 months. I had some sort of short but incredibly intense psychotic/disassociative episode where I didn't sleep for 3 or 4 days. I was in hospital for a few days. Obviously, I felt/ feel terrible about this and have spent the last 16 years doing 90% or more of everything to do with the house and children to try to atone, I guess.

His other resentment is to do with an imaginary affair that he believes I had (I haven't). He has.given all this a good airing in the therapy sessions, talking about me with the therapist as though I'm not there. It seems to me that he wants to hold on to these resentments to internally justify him treating me badly eg saying he doesn't want to be with me and being utterly selfish.

He's maintained that we can't afford to split up as that would mean selling the house and each moving into a 'crappy two bedroom flat'. This shocked me deeply tbh, as surely maintaining a home for our children would be the top priority if/when we separate. I was too shocked to say this in the session when he brought it up, but suffice to say whatever happens, the children would continue to be my top priority.

A few months ago, I could say genuinely that I love him. I don't think I do any more. My fantasy is that we have enough money for him to afford to buy a place for himself (obvs we don't). My preference now would be that he moves out for a period of time to give us both a chance to decide what to do longer term. He won't do this as he believes that our house is 'his'. I have considered if I could move out and come back to care for the children ie ensuring 16 year old gets up for school, cook, clean, do DIY but I can't,t see how that would work.

Thank you if you've read this far.

So he wants a cook, maid, childminder and fuck-buddy and you’re never alllwed to be ill because that fucks up his nice little status quo.

He’s also likely having an affair, given his attitude and accusing you of one. He’s got another woman live up but isn’t quite ready to jump his well kept and well staffed ship just yet and is paving the way to rewriting history.

He’s got it all really, hasn’t he?

This man sees you as nothing more than a household appliance. I’d be taking him to the tip - he’s never functioned properly. And making sure before I do so, that I have copies of all insurances, deeds, bank statements, property valuations, pensions etc etc etc before I dumped him in thd trash compactor.

He won’t move out, he wants her too.

He won't move out because he sees this as 'his' house. Never mind that we bought it together, have paid the mortgage together (now nearly paid off as I put nearly all of the money I inherited when my mum died to paying off a good chunk of the mortgage), I have done 100% of the decorating, DIY, maintenance and so on. Ditto the garden although he does cut the grass from time to time.

I put the remainder of my mum's money into an ISA to pay for family holidays. I booked the most exotic holiday that we've had (10 days in Croatia) last year to celebrate the children finishing their GCSEs and 'A' levels. He said repeatedly that he didn't want to go. He did come and we had some useful discussions about our relationship, but I won't book another family holiday again.

Just writing this down really clarifies to me that it's over. I feel surprisingly okay about that, but do not feel okay about the whole sell the house and buy a 2 bedroom flat each, probably outside of London where we've both lived for 30+ years. The children need and deserve a home where they have their own bedrooms (not in separate homes - how would we/they decide who lived with who fgs?). I need to live with both of my children, to be close to my friends and support network and to be able to get into my place of work.

But I don't know how/if I can have those things if / when we split up.

I think based on your last post that your best bet is to see a lawyer, gather all financial information and take steps to find out what you would really get if you split, so that you’re not basing this on assumption. Don’t forget to take pensions into account too.

He sounds bloody awful op. It is very significant to tell your spouse that you no longer love them and want to be with them. But then to carry on as “normal”, plus expect sex is downright bloody weird, not to mention, selfish as fuck and totally unrealistic.
Agree with PP. See a solicitor, find out what you can get in a settlement and get out. Living like this must be so painful and difficult for you. I’m sorry he’s turned out to be a dud.

Agree with PP. the relationship is over. You need to figure out Plan B. I know set ups where the couple stay living in the family home to maintain providing a house for the kids, but in both cases both parties have drifted amicably and fundamentally have the same values and so have been able to do that. I would have thought that was unusual but perhaps it’s not. Either way, figure out what divorce actually looks like financially. Will your DC want to go to uni? Have you factored that in to the finances too? Your H is asking for fantasy life.

You don’t necessarily have to sell the house.

Hos old are your children? I’m guessing you’ve done the majority of the child care? A judge could well order that the children remain in their home. Be prepared that he’ll go for ‘50/50’ childcare though, especially as he sees everything as ‘his’

But even if you are forced to sell immediately, surely it’s still better than having this charmer strip-mine you for your domestic labour?

What do you say in the sessions?

Because going on this I would have a lot to say. And I would be saying it very very clearly.
He has no intention of changing m, the affair is probably his, and I would totally totally call his bluff.
Who the fuck does he think he is: he does not get to unilaterally make these choices. He gets to understand that he has to choose between airing all his resentments all the time or living in a shitty flat, but he is not going to grind down your life and think that you just have to put up with it.
He is delusional and needs to start hearing it.
A really good rule in life is that what is good for the goose is good for the gander. He’s an entitled user. And I wouldn’t be slow to tell him. When is the next session.

Stop being a doormat. He does not get to call the shots; you have a say. Get a valuation on the house. Know exactly what/where savings are. See a solicitor. Go for half of everything, including his pension. Build a new life for yourself and your kids. Do you want to be in this situation in 20 years time? Because, unless you act decisively now, that’s exactly where you will be.

You could buy a 2 bedroom place and you use the lounge as a bedroom for a while if you want to stay in the area. There will be options op.

The first step is to stop listening to him and start doing your own research. Look into your financial situation. The DC are old enough to choose who they want to live with.

And you deserve a happy calm peaceful life. He is doing everything he can to stop you having that Of course it’s a mindfuck. Stop listening to him

Take matters in to your own hands and start divorce proceedings. He's probably worried about what assets you will get from the divorce so is stringing you along. You can't live like this, its not fair to you or the kids.

Well he’s 100% in his own head isn’t he? All about what he wants and no thought for the children or you. Very likely either an affair or he’d like to try someone new but if he’s a weak character he has to blame your relationship for his frustrations.

Act now. The legal system treats 18 yr olds as adults (they can just go and live independently in London 😆). You will want to continue housing them and he won’t be able to get beyond his own wants. Watch him choose somewhere to live that suits him and not them.

He may be surprised that you have your own wants and needs and priorities but it sounds as though you two have spent all your time on his. You don’t owe him anything. He’s ended it.

I moved out with the young adults to outer London suburbs to afford something and yes I sleep in living room but couldn’t be happier. Funnily enough exH has found that his life is worse now. He moved far away for hobbies and new girlfriend (now gone) and is now lonely and too far away to see the DC much.

Value yourself. Good luck.

I think I'd stop going to counselling with him for a start. You aren't getting anything out of it, in fact if the counsellor can't see he is using these sessions to coerce situations then it's harmful imo.

I don't think he has any intention of leaving, the whole thing is a manipulation exercise. Staying in the status quo means he gets to enjoy his hobbies, keep you guilty enough to do everything at home and keep enjoying his lifestyle. No weekend responsibilities of child care for him eh?

I do think you need to speak to someone separately about your PND experience and get the support you need to come to peace with it. How f*cking dare he use that as a stick to beat you with?

I'm actually angry on your behalf. When do you get free time at weekends to enjoy hobbies and me time op?

Stop the therapy immediately. Couples therapy is never recommended if one partner is abusive and your 'D'H falls into that category as far as I'm concerned. To keep blaming you for an attempt to take your own life when you were suffering from postnatal psychosis is beyond cruel and manipulative.

And please shut down his declarations that the house is 'his'. As you are married, you both own 50% and morally, if not legally, you should own more due to your larger financial contributions.

Do NOT move out. You do 90% of the childcare and housework. Stop having sex with him ever again. He is absolutely disgusting and selfish.

Seek some personal counselling/therapy and end the joint sessions immediately.