This is a big deal, right?

[Windowcleaning]

DH has said repeatedly over the course of this year that he no longer wants to be with me. Together over 20 years, married for 18, two teens still at home.

We've been in couple therapy since July. His idea, and I thought the plan was that we both really worked on our relationship. DH seems to think the plan is that he continues with his expensive and time consuming activities outside of the family, goes out as much and when he wants and we have sex more often.

Clearly, we are not on the same page. He doesn't seem to understand that him telling me that he doesn't want to be with me is hurtful and a complete turn off.

This is a big deal in a long-term relationship, isn't it? He's showing no signs of intending to move out, which is really disorientating.

In all honesty, if his hobbies come first, he doesn't want to put the work in and doesn't want to be with me, I don't want to be with him,

This is very significant isn't it? DH is acting as though it's the most normal thing in the world to just say this, and it's doing my head in a bit.

Perfect. You sound very sensible and balanced. You can't control his behaviour but you can absolutely control yours and this is great.

SageSorrelSaffron also glad that he is your ex.

Thank you. I think you're absolutely right that points 1 and 2 are the key ones. It''s over. I will continue living where I am to provide a home for our children. They continue to be my priority.

But god I'm gutted. I thought the script was that we went to couples therapy, put in the work and became closer. He didn't/doesn't want to for whatever reason.

We had a WhatsApp exchange this morning where we agreed that a break would be good. He said that he has nowhere to go and won't be renting a flat as that would affect his rights to the house.

I don't know. Doesn't wNt to be with me but won't move out. Where we've been all year.

Teens both up and in good form thank goodness.

An update. As it turned out, I developed a temperature on Thursday, didn't go to the therapy session and dh went by himself.

The points we agree on are that the children are the first priority, that neither of us wants to be with the other one, and that neither of us wants to move out. I have thought and thought about how I could make it work by moving out. The reality is that any issue with the children eg ds won't get up for school, dd has a drama and his strategy is to leave the house and bombard me with texts while I sort it out. I would find waiting for something to happen with one of the children unbearably anxiety-provoking and I'd miss them dreadfully. Dh would become overwhelmed with having to cook every evening and so on, get grumpier and more irritable and upset the teens. (This based on many years of experience.)

Dh is refusing to move out. I do understand and I have said repeatedly that I am not forcing him to. I suggested he stay with a friend who has a spare room and who has says yes, although he is now saying that he doesn't want to live out of a suitcase and she keeps her flat too cold. WELL, DON'T END YOUR FUCKING RELATIONSHIP THEN. But he has. No, I do not know exactly how long I want him to stay with this friend - he ended the relationship, he needs to take responsibility for his subsequent actions.

Dh asked me today to respond to the therapist's email (sent on Friday) about do I want a session by myself, to have an ending session or continue. I've asked for a bit of time and I honestly don't know. The thing I keep coming back to is that I just want a bit of peace. He's also said that if I don't to go to that therapist, can I find another one. I honestly don't know what I want other than to secure my children's home for them and a break from being pressured to know how I want to end a relationship that I didn't know was over until three days ago.

Thanks if you've got this far. Maybe I have been a crap partner. If dh had stepped up to parenting/running the house more, I would have had more for him, but he didn't so I didn't.

Think about having a session with the therapist to discuss co-parenting.

It sounds like he's seen a lawyer. Don't make any moves until you see one.

Sorry I haven’t read the full thread. Just your first and last message. I know someone with the same aged children who is having an affair (I don’t know the wife or I would have told her) and he is stringing her along until the youngest is 18 so he gets a better deal in the divorce.

Consider having a session with the therapist on your own if you want to set the narrative straight. Equally you don't have to. Neither do you have to accept the narrative he has spun about you being unhinged. You mentioned something earlier- keeping your powder dry - very wise. See how it all unfolds. Nothing moves quickly in divorce land. He may well move out in the end. I would suggest you definitely do not move out.

Also the stuff about him accusing you of having an affair. I suspect he's having one.

If you don’t want to be with him, and he obviously doesn’t want to be with you, just end it.

I did it after 28 years, and it’s hard at first, but doable.

Best thing I ever did. 👍

Boomer55 yes, very ready to, but how do I do that when he's refusing to move out and my children are here? Yes, they're teens but I'm the one who does the day to day drudge parenting and responds to the high emotion and drama, so how do I end it?

Every single friend I've spoken to about this has suggested that he may be having an affair. I'm past caring tbh. I can't control how he behaves. I would hate him bring this deceit into our children's lives, but it's out of my control.

Honestly I think the relationship is over for you too, but you’re using him ending it as a means to cling on to thr house. I don’t think either of you wish to be together. And no amount of therapy will change that. Right now neither of you can afford to move out to a place you would like so are Petty fighting over it.

the house will need to be sold and you both to move on. You both need to accept it is not feasible for one of you to keep it.

I would go and see the therapist on your own as they may have some insight into what is going on from a more impartial perspective.

I would plan some long weekends away when he is fully responsible for the DC. Let
him sink and reassess his unrealistic demands.

I wouldn't waste any more money on the therapist.

Use it to pay for a good lawyer.
All the best.

Well, no actually, if he wanted to put the work in. I've been clear on that all along. I thought we were going to go to couples therapy and both put the work in. He doesn't trust me and resents me, so can't/won't do that.

Yes, the relationship is over, but I'm not sure how taking the children's home away from them with all the uncertainty and stress about moving, is putting their interests first tbh.

What a shit situation you’re in.
Imo you’re too nice, reasonable, dependable, reliable, predictable. I know you’ve said he goes out when there’s an issue with the children but if I were you I’d keep a coat handy and the next time there’s the first hint of high emotion or drama, swiftly leave, go to the pub for a short and mixer and leave them for an hour. When you return be icy cold. They’ll all have to sort it out, won’t they, or at least he’ll show himself up. Your children will understand and won’t blame you. I realise this goes against your very being but stop being everyone’s punch bag.
When you have more idea of the finances and feel more confident make his life more difficult by ignoring him, letting him down, deliberately undermining him, whatever else you can think of, to precipitate his exit. Outwardly become a different person to reach a satisfactory conclusion.
Good luck.

I’m in the camp of more money on a therapist is a waste. If you want a session for yourself at some point for support then fine, but DP it on your own terms and timeline.

You need to see a lawyer to work out the practicalities of divorcing and what you can do about the house.

I'm not sure how taking the children's home away from them with all the uncertainty and stress about moving, is putting their interests first tbh

see solicitor to work out a way of making sure that the home isn’t sold until the youngest has finished full-time education

Does that mean university/college as well at sixth form? Currently, youngest is 16.5 so will turn 18 during 'A' levels. It breaks my heart to think that leaving our home in 18 months will be hanging over them/us tbh.

he needs the same space you do. It’s not fair to expect him to live somewhere too small for his kids to visit but you are able to

We can't afford two three-bedroom houses. If I thought it was in my children's interests, I would move out and let them keep their home.

did you speak to your financial advisor n lawyer yet OP

If the kids live with her most of the time of course it’s fair.

dont forget that the children are very nearly adults too, so they may be happy to help out with paying board once they are working, if they are wanting to continue living with you.
When splitting assets the pension he has is going to be brought into the discussion, and theoretically may offset what you might need to buy him out of the home with - also how long ago was the inheritance? could that be arguesd in any way if he soon after started saying he wanted out of the marriage - ie did he keep quiet because he knew inheritances are not marital assets? but once sunk into a joint house they are.

Yes, I posted about it up thread with a link from Moneysaving Supermarket for some free advice you can get.

The inheritance was 3.5 years ago. I put 80% into our mortgage just as interest rates went up, so it reduced our outgoings a lot. The other 20% I put into a high interest savings account and have drawn on to pay for family holidays (yes, I know I've been stupid).

I regret not putting it all into my pension now. It would have grown and the higher mortgage payments would have been an 'us' problem, rather than the current situation of me putting as much as I can into my pension while he has lots of disposable income. I never saw that money as mine - I thought it was for our family, silly me.

Obvs, when his mum gave him a (smaller) sum of money last year, he spent it on himself.