This is a big deal, right?

[Windowcleaning]

DH has said repeatedly over the course of this year that he no longer wants to be with me. Together over 20 years, married for 18, two teens still at home.

We've been in couple therapy since July. His idea, and I thought the plan was that we both really worked on our relationship. DH seems to think the plan is that he continues with his expensive and time consuming activities outside of the family, goes out as much and when he wants and we have sex more often.

Clearly, we are not on the same page. He doesn't seem to understand that him telling me that he doesn't want to be with me is hurtful and a complete turn off.

This is a big deal in a long-term relationship, isn't it? He's showing no signs of intending to move out, which is really disorientating.

In all honesty, if his hobbies come first, he doesn't want to put the work in and doesn't want to be with me, I don't want to be with him,

This is very significant isn't it? DH is acting as though it's the most normal thing in the world to just say this, and it's doing my head in a bit.

She and the children would be financially worse off when they finally sell the house and move on. Of course that slows things down.

Why?

Even if you only have a 3 bed house you need your own bedroom.

If needs be the DC share the largest one and STBX abusive dickhead gets the smallest one or moves out.

Rip the plaster off.

No, I can't ask an 18 year old girl and 16 year old boy to share a room when they've had separate rooms for years.

Working out how we could afford a 3 bedroom place for us and a 1 bedroom place for him would be one way forward (not that he would agree to it).

The house isn't his the silly cunt, it's half yours. Go to a solicitor with copies of all the paperwork. Take money gradually out of joint account. Don't tell him until you're ready but he'll get his wish soon enough. The abusive twat.

Sorry for some reason I had thought they were 2 x DS 🫣

Would the DC want to live with you pretty much full time? If they do then he doesn’t need a 2 bed flat. You could ask for a mesher order to see the youngest through to 21 then sell the marital home. It would buy you time.

He will no doubt argue against it but you just bring it back to the DC and their needs.

DD18 would definitely want to live with me. Ds would be more split, but given that dh's strategy is to go out when ds is being a pita about getting up for school, doing homework etc, it would have to be with me.

It's not like they're tiny or we'd need some sort of care order. They'd be free to come and go as they like, but have a bedroom under my roof rather than his.

Until you have an idea of the financial settlement it will be hard to forward plan and know what’s realistically possible.

All assets - house, savings, investments etc, including pension value (cash equipment transfer value), added together and split in half would be a good starting point. He may want to protect his pension and agree to you having a bigger chunk of house value enabling you to have better options when looking for a home for you and the kids. Financial and legal advice will help you feel more in control. Good luck OP 💐

I would start preparing and then get the divorce going. The financial settlement will take a long time judging by his behaviour.

Your DC will know things aren’t ok and they must be fed up of the way he is treating them seeing as though he’s opted out of parenting altogether.

Presumably you are no longer doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning etc?

I'm definitely going to look into transferring the money I have saved for the children into accountsin their names but under my trust. It's money that is in my name and I've kept it that way in case we ever needed to draw on it, but it's always been for them and I want it to stay that way, not put into a joint pot.

Will be about £25,000 each.

You don’t need a therapist, you need legal advice.

I think your DH is in for a nasty surprise.

You need legal advice ASAP, ideally before you start moving money around or making any sort of big financial decisions. Get an idea of what the situation is first.

Thanks, yes totally agree. Will look into finding a financial adviser this week.

Just updating in case anyone else finds themselves in this situation. There a link on Money Saving Supermarket to Unbiased, which is a network of independent FAs. Their system will match you with someone in your area with the relevant specialism. First 30 minute session is free.

I spoke to someone very briefly this morning. They agreed that the first step will be a solicitor then possibly FA. Even speaking to them made me realise that I do have a reasonable grasp on the practicalities, although I'm not quite there yet.

Thanks

Another update. I told DH last night that I thought the couples therapy had run it's course. He asked if I meant our relationship and I said no, this particular therapy. He agreed that this may be true, that it's expensive and that we could talk about it today (have therapy session).

We then sat in the living room for a couple of hours together, him with headphones on watching something on his laptop, me knitting. He seemed tense so I asked him what the matter was. He started slamming around, swearing at me, told me to fuck off and said that the relationship is over. Apparently, because I know that he can't afford to move out, I've decided that I don't need to put any effort in (he means have sex). I find it extraordinary that he doesn't see that repeatedly telling your spouse that you're not sure if you want to be with them is a complete turn off, but there we are. He also mentioned this fictitious affair that I'm meant to have had (or still be having) again.

Our 16 year old ds was just coming downstairs and heard this. DH did apologise to him but the damage is done. I am extremely angry about his loss of emotional control (yet again).

We both spoke with ds and DH said that nothing will happen immediately, if ever, and that we will all carry on living in the same house together. This is absolutely doing my head in. He says the relationship is over, he says he doesn't want to be with me, yet it's not so awful or untenable that he'll even think about moving out.

We have another couples therapy session this evening. My experience of these is that dh talks to the therapist about me as though I'm not there and has constructed this narrative about me being unhinged, mentally deranged, adulterous, and not contributing much financially or at home. I don't recognise this version of myself. Aside from it being incredibly hurtful, it means that we can't have any sort of dialogue because he's talking to and about someone he has made up in his head rather than me iykwim.

He told ds that we are both very unhappy. I said I'm not, which is true. I love my children and feel grateful for them every day, tempered with inevitable parental anxiety. I get pleasure out of small things in life like a sunny day and so on. I feel very, very sad that my marriage is over. I was very prepared to put in the work to make it better, but dh wasn't. The fact that he will take no responsibility for this isn't a huge surprise, but very hurtful and disappointing.

Thanks if you've read this far. DH has gone into the office, I'm WFH. Both teens are at home (ds unwell, DD working last night) so I will speak with them when they get up.

As it’s therapy today I’d say what you have said here about him. He needs to hear it.

You are moving in the right direction OP. You need to rip the plaster off in my opinion. Stop the one sided therapy. Go for divorce. Get advice on where you are likely to get settled financially and work out your options, he sounds unbearable and I suspect your kids see that side of him and will understand.

I think you need to take charge of the therapy session this evening.

Start by saying that on all previous sessions your H has done the majority of the speaking, so at this session you’d like to be given time and space to talk.

Explain that your H has killed the love in your relationship by stating he doesn’t want to be with you anymore and accusing you of imaginary affairs (in front of your DC as well).

Also state that you are well aware that when someone accuses a partner of an imaginary affair, it is often a projection of what they are doing, or wish to do, so you now doubt his fidelity.

Explain that he has abused you financially, only allowing you money to put into a pension after 10yrs of you covering all DC costs and you demanding a more equal split.

That he has blamed you for decades for a brief hospital spell that was necessitated by a medical emergency and that because of that he left you to do 90% of the child raising and housework (as well as work) for the entirety of your DCs lives, and had he pitched in, rather than checked out of parenting and your marriage, you may have had more time and energy for a sex life.

His actions have broken your marriage and his inability to take any responsibility for that, but just angrily declare it all your fault have made your relationship irreparable.

Then see what he says to all of that.

He's still trying to have this all his own way Op, he does all the talking in therapy trying to make everything your fault because that's what he believes. As the pp said tell the therapist your side, list all the ways he's been unkind and how that's ended your love and sex life.

Yes. Don't let this go unsaid! Someone needs to hear it because your DH simply won't.

Thanks all. I agree in principle with what you say, but all that will happen is that dh will get angry and even more closed down to listening.

I think I need to keep focused on a few important points:

1. You've said repeatedly for many months that you're not sure that you don't want to be with me. You have also said that our relationship is over. I do not want to be with someone who does not want to be with me, so indeed it is.
2. My priority is hanging on to my children's home for them. I have not ended the marriage, so I will not be moving out.
3. I have not had an affair, but you seem very keen to hold on to your belief that I have. I can do no more to persuade you about the facts of the situation ie I have not had an affair.
4. You are clear that you do not want to be with me and that our relationship is over, yet you have no intention of moving out. How is that going to work?
5. I have spoken and will continue to speak with friends about my experiences. The fact that they are mutual friends isn't ideal (more 'my' friends than his though iykwim) but I don't have any extended family, I am not keeping secrets and I need support.

I think actually only points No.1 and 2 are important. And would mention the others at most in passing, if at all.

You can’t make him move out - he is obviously going to go the obstructive route in the divorce. So emotionally I think you need to prepare for that. (Think of it as being his truthful answer to “how’s that going to work?” As “It’s going to work because I intend to make it so that you fucking the fuck out of MY HOUSE will the easier and less scary option for you, you absolute CUNT. Come Children, and listen to how your mother wants to ruin your lives and mine, so she can go out like the WHORE she always was.”

… as in that was my X’s response.

Glad he’s your x.