This is a big deal, right?

[Windowcleaning]

DH has said repeatedly over the course of this year that he no longer wants to be with me. Together over 20 years, married for 18, two teens still at home.

We've been in couple therapy since July. His idea, and I thought the plan was that we both really worked on our relationship. DH seems to think the plan is that he continues with his expensive and time consuming activities outside of the family, goes out as much and when he wants and we have sex more often.

Clearly, we are not on the same page. He doesn't seem to understand that him telling me that he doesn't want to be with me is hurtful and a complete turn off.

This is a big deal in a long-term relationship, isn't it? He's showing no signs of intending to move out, which is really disorientating.

In all honesty, if his hobbies come first, he doesn't want to put the work in and doesn't want to be with me, I don't want to be with him,

This is very significant isn't it? DH is acting as though it's the most normal thing in the world to just say this, and it's doing my head in a bit.

He thinks everything is about him Op but you've let him think that for far too long, his behaviour over your breakdown was terrible, really terrible, yet you've felt guilty and let him have his own way because you were ill. No more Op, he's selfish, he thinks he can blame you and yet stay and use you. Go to a solicitor for advice about divorce. Stop doing anything for him, no laundry, cooking and certainly no sex. He's a poor DF too so you need to worry about you and your DC now, he deserves no consideration

Another vote for stopping therapy, waste of money. Hang in there OP

Thanks again all. To clarify, our children are 18 and 16, so one an adult. Is still at home, although is planning to go up university next year. But will still need a home obvs. 16 year old doesn't think he'll go to university so likely to be at home for many years. Both quite 'young' for their ages. My priority is to be able to provide a stable home close enough to their friends, work and voluntary work (eldest) and school and friends (youngest).

I am in personal therapy and have been for a while and am talking about this there. My therapist has said many times that I spend a lot of time thinking and worrying about the needs of my family rather than myself. True but you're only ever as happy as your most unhappy child as they say.

I do have free time at the weekends to do things I like now the children are older.

What would happen if the children both said they wanted to live with me? I don't think I'd be able to afford even a two-bed place in London that would work for the children's needs tbh.

Pensions. His is pretty healthy, mine is shite and I'm building it up now. Looking back there has been a lot of financial disparity eg I only had enough money to pay into a pension once I insisted that we set up a joint bank account so that the children/house expenses were equally paid rather than coming from my account while he paid the mortgage (in both names) and had lots of disposable income. Ten years after I should have done, but that was my fault.

I see now that I should have put my inheritance into my pension. I put it into the mortgage because I saw it as joint money and because it came just when interest rates went up. Higher interest rates would have been a joint problem. What has happened now is that our mortgage is low, I've paid for family holidays, I'm putting as much as I can into my pension/SIPP and he continues to have lots of disposable income.

I agree with my not moving out A friend I spoke to yesterday about this said exactly the same thing it would also be awful for the children/young adults as well as me.

I have no intention of ever having sex with him again. It would be too petty and send unhelpful messages to the children about how you deal with difficulties to stop doing his washing etc. He does now cook a couple of times a week, put the odd load of washing on and separate meals would be daft.

I have felt surprised how much and how quickly the therapist seemed to buy into it's all about him narrative tbh.

I don't think I''d cope very well dealing with supporting the children during our marriage break up living a long way away from my friends and support network. For context, my own father abandoned his family when my sibling and I were very young, our mum broke down completely and never really recovered. My father met someone else and adopted their child while refusing until made to by the court to pay any maintenance for us. I still live with the hurt if this and it is not easy.

i think that through therapy and living with his worsening behaviour over the last year means you’re reaching a point of clarity about what you want. Now you’re really starting to think about the practicalities.

Have you actually done the maths? How much is your house really worth? What could you get with half the equity and would you still need a mortgage? Can you get a mortgage by yourself and still contribute to your pension? Could you afford all living expenses for you and at least your 16yr old for the next few years?

I’d do the numbers to really solidify what’s realistic. Then you can purposefully plan your exit. Which you’re going to need to do because your H is not. While he has initiated therapy I think the real reason (one he would never admit to even himself) is that he wants you to do the hard yards on splitting up. It’s the age old ‘treat her badly til she dumps me’ scenario.

He hasn’t lifted much of a finger over the last 20 years and he’s not planning to start now.

How easy or difficult you decide to make it for him is in your hands. Most importantly is that you get what you can out of the separation. So start the practical planning and see how it feels to think properly about a future without him.

I think by setting your boundaries (not doing his laundry or cooking etc) whilst he packs to leave is showing your DC not to be doormats. He has waited until he doesn't need to pay too much child maintenance. I bet when your youngest is 18 he will be off

I'd tell him that you want to split up. You'll have to accept that you will have to move but it would be better than being stuck with him.

I would stop the joint therapy. It isn’t helping and the therapist sounds rubbish if she is believing his crap. Make it clear to him that the marriage is finished. You will stay together in the house for now for the sake of the children. Can you move into a spare room or better still ask him to. At least you will feel you are taking control over things. Try and put away as much as you can towards your pension.

Yes. I think staying together in the house but agreeing to emotionally separate is the best thing for the children for the next few years tbh, and they are my priority.

Maybe I need to speak with a Financial Adviser re how to make the most of my savings/pension? I have saved some for the children over the years - basically, their child benefit which I've topped up where I can. It's in my name though, as I didn't want them to have unfettered access to it the minute they turned 18. In my head, it's been to help support them through university if they want to go (they get loans for tuition fees and this cushions our payments of accommodation/maintenance) or towards some other sort of independence. Wouldn't touch the sides of a house deposit, but would be a cushion of some sort.

Better to be apart than to be together now. Staying for the sake of the kids is never a good idea. And as for being emotionally separated whilst all living under the same roof how’s that going to work?. It will not and it’s not already. Don’t keep on kicking the can down the road. Teach them better lessons about relationships than that damaging one.

I would divorce him asap and stop the joint therapy sessions now as he is indeed using these as a stick to best you with. These men are also master manipulators who often manipulate counsellors into taking their side. If he can manipulate you he can certainly manipulate some counsellor.

Glad you’re focussing on the practicalities now. The housing thing was the hardest thing for me. Trying to accommodate three young adults while he wanted to take his money and move to the country with new girlfriend. Still thought he should get half of equity of course. They were horrified at the thought of living with him!

Good that he has a decent pension. You may be able to get more equity now while you need it in exchange for leaving his pension alone.

You sound very sensible. Level headed and considerate. Makes it easier if you can control your emotions but you are allowed to be selfish and angry too. You need to look after future you.

Seek legal advice from a solicitor along with contacting a financial advisor. Try and get personal recommendations for the latter.

Well he’s got quite the set up hasn’t he? He has you doing everything for the children, all the housework, DIY and gardening, you’ve paid a huge chunk of the mortgage and lovely holidays and yet he wants more sex, even though he repeatedly tells you he doesn’t want to be with you. Oh and he wants to go off and do whatever the hell he likes. What a fucking prick! I’d rather squeeze into a two bed flat than live with that obnoxious fucker.

Keep your powder dry OP and protect yourself financially starting now, and do it quietly. Don't have sex with him. Start to build your own life.

Stop couples counselling. You have a shit therapist. Keep the individual counselling.

Then next time he suddenly says he doesn't think he wants to be with you, knock the wind out of his sales and say, well I know I don't want to be with you, so let's divorce. I bet he backpedals like mad and panics because he isn't in control of the situation any more and will have to actually deal with the situation where he is probably shagging someone else but likes the home comforts you provide and doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy.

Absolutely 100% can he fuck right off, manipulative wanker, talking to you like that and blaming you for it all. Twat.

Thanks again all. I've had a really difficult year - two children through public exams while their father 'checks out of family life' (his words), husband deciding that he no longer wants to be with me, various dramas related to the children and can anticipate several more. I'm at a pretty low ebb and need to take my time deciding my next steps.

Will look into a solicitor and Financial Adviser. Yes, the little bit of research I've done about splitting up and assets has said that pensions count as joint assets. I didn't realise that, and it will make a significant difference. His pension is about 11 times what mine is, and equal to over half of the value of our house. Mine is pitiful, but will look a lot better if I can continue with payments as I'm making.

I think the best thing I can do is look after future me (and children) as someone put it. Work things out from my end before taking any actual action.

Thanks again.

Is his hobby costs coming from joint money? Imo you need to start spending similarly.. Even bags and shoes you can sell later on.
.. Or he will also get half the savings pot...

Surely you would be better off hanging on to your money and not putting into your pension. You will get more of his if you have less?

Ready money now will be of more use to you in the near future.

Things that i would be compelled to do in your situation:

Next therapy session, challenge his narrative and say all that you have here.

Make it clear to both him and the therapist that resentment over your mental health breakdown when you had a baby and toddler must end immediately. If your H has more work to do on that, he does it elsewhere. This bullying for something that happened to you not him is unacceptable.

See a solicitor alone to go through your financial situations and life circumstances with a view to divorce. It would be money well spent. Get recommendations. His pension and savings are not just his.

Start browsing on Rightmove for places you may be able to afford. I agree it is important to be in easy access to your support network and your DC's network too, but things won't be so fixed once DC have left secondary school.

I completely get wanting DC to have their own space. A 2 bed may work if it has a decent living room. DCs could have the bedrooms with you making a bedroom space in the living room.

Once you have things settled in your head, I think (and I might be wrong) that it would be helpful for you and the DC if you involve them with planning a move. Give them a bit of control and say in the situation.

He's been telling you for a YEAR that he doesn't want to be with you!

I sure as hell wouldn't be sitting back while he decided my future. Why is this all about him? Hard as it is, I would be telling him you are not willing to live in limbo like this. The marriage is clearly over and you want to move on so you both need to talk about one of you moving out.

What an incredibly unattractive husband you have. Not to mention bullying. If I were you, I’d turn the tables and tell him you don’t find him attractive, he’s selfish and boring and start divorce proceedings asap.

This is good advice. Think about how you can sequester at least equal amounts to his hobby for your future life.
When you're shopping, take out some extra cash to build a pot for legal fees etc.
Don't get caught by joint account being frozen or suddenly emptied. Make sure you take more than half (you can give back later if it's decided by a court/legal process that you took too much).
Remember that you are trying to set up for the kids.

So glad to read how clear eyed and strong you are here, OP. You’ve been ground down for quite a while but you’re really turning a corner. You’ve realized what’s what and are ready to take action. I think keep posting here and talk to a solicitor. It’s time to figure out the practicalities.

I wouldn’t communicate with him on any meaningful level at this point. Don’t let him hear your piece. He’s hurt you so when you were vulnerable and suffering and he continues to hurt you about that… you can grieve over that later. He doesn’t deserve to even hear your heart. Just work for now on getting into a financial position to split.

Spending money needlessly just isn't me. I'd prefer to keep it then set up an account for each of the children in trust to me, or something like that. Basically, it's their money but I don't want ds to buy a motorbike or either of them to just piss it away.

I've had it in my name so that we could access it if eg one of us lost our job/became ill and we needed to meet mortgage payments and bills.

"I wouldn’t communicate with him on any meaningful level at this point. Don’t let him hear your piece. He’s hurt you so when you were vulnerable and suffering and he continues to hurt you about that… you can grieve over that later. He doesn’t deserve to even hear your heart. Just work for now on getting into a financial position to split."

I think this is right. Keep my powder dry. Maintain focus on the children's needs. Look after my future self.

Thank you.

Really don’t get posts like this.

It sounds like it's over but he doesn't want the hassle of moving out, he's making his feelings clear in the hope that you will move out.