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Original poster

Dating widower for 3 years, have never met his family or friends

82 replies

alysrivers · 13/11/2025 23:36

I've been dating a lovely man for just over 3 years. We see each other every weekend (he lives a couple of hours away), and talk on the phone every day. We have been on multiple holidays together, including one with some of my friends, and have more planned.
When we met, he had been widowed just a few months prior. He lives in the family home, and has two young adult stepkids. He is also close to his late partner's parents.
Given the circumstances, things moved slowly and I've been happy to go at his pace. He has brought a lot of happiness to my life and we have a great time together. However, lately I've been feeling insecure as to where it's going and I can't help but feel somewhat peripheral in his life. I think I feel like I've been pocketed.
He was invited to a wedding abroad, and will be staying for a few nights. He said there was no plus one as they were tight on guests which is fair enough. I mentioned that I could maybe come on the holiday, I didn't have to go to the wedding but I didn't push it. I just get the feeling he didn't want me there to be introduced to people he knows.
I don't know if I should just try and get over it and that he still needs more time, or if I should say something, so would appreciate any advice.

OP posts:
Seawolves · 13/11/2025 23:46

I think I would be asking why after three years together, I don't think you are unreasonable in questioning why you haven't met friends at the very least.

NewAsics · 13/11/2025 23:49

Hmm. Odd. Talk to him.

HeddaGarbled · 13/11/2025 23:51

he still needs more time

Not after three years, no.

I’m not over-impressed that he was sniffing around another woman a ‘few months’ after his wife died, but you’ve known him long enough now to know whether he’s a good man or not.

Definitely ultimatum time, though.

UpDownAllAround1 · 14/11/2025 00:22

Ask him

IntrinsicWorth · 14/11/2025 00:29

Yeah, I wouldn’t tolerate that.

Three years and you haven’t met anyone from his life (let alone been introduced to them as a concept…)?

Sounds like you’ve been incredibly undenrstanding but after 3 years you should not be an invisible entity. You don’t need to move in, but you do need to feel like you’re a significant part of your partner’s world. You don’t: Thats the issue.

Also, please do not debase yourself with an ultimatum (“pick me!”). You can simply say, “this was fun, but it isn’t what I’m looking for long term, because [insert your issues here]. Let me know if things change as I think you are fun/caring/make me laugh”. Please don’t plead with him to introduce him into his inner circle. That won’t end well :(

OSTMusTisNT · 14/11/2025 00:30

How sure are you that you he doesn't have a living breathing wife at home? Surely his step kids wonder where he goes every weekend so is this nice perfect man lying to you or his family?

TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 14/11/2025 00:32

Are you sure he's really a widower?
Maybe his wife is alive and you're an OW.

Tryingtokeepgoing · 14/11/2025 00:50

I don’t think an ultimatum is what’s called for, but I do think you need to talk to him to see if you are both on the same page about where you want this relationship to go.

And I say that as someone whose husband died around 7 years ago, but have been seeing / dating or whatever you want to call it someone for almost 3 years. We enjoy each other others company and many of the same things. But I’ve only introduced him to a couple of my friends, as he has his to me, and none of my family. I don’t intend that changing any time soon, though over time he’ll meet more of my friends I’m sure. That’s because I don’t want it, and he’s happy for it not, to become anything too serious or permanent yet.

Which is why I think you need to talk to him…we have had conversations about that and he accepts it. But it’s entirely reasonable for you to want more - he just might not be willing or ready to give more. For me, it’s because I’m not looking for a replacement for my husband, I don’t want to live with him and so, quite frankly, I don’t want him to become too embedded in my life.

Should I be ‘over’ the death of my husband now? Do I need more time? It’s not a matter of getting over it to me, but of moving forwards. There will never be enough time. So for me that means finding a new path, with new relationships. But there are some relationships that I don’t want to change...yet at least. I have nieces and nephews that I don’t want to confuse with a ‘new’ uncle, my parents are in their 80s and quite frankly I can’t be bothered with the conversation on that topic with them! Then there’s the whole minefield of my parents in law…

But good luck whatever you decide to do…I recognise that dating me comes with a bunch of baggage, and am grateful for the support and understanding that the man I am dating gives me, as I am sure the man you are dating is of you as well.

shhblackbag · 14/11/2025 00:54

No one knows about you. That's if he's really widowed. Surely you can do better?

Robertsmithsnan · 14/11/2025 01:20

When we met, he had been widowed just a few months prior how many? 🚩🚩

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 14/11/2025 01:48

Id just say it's time now, we can just say we've been dating for a year.

mathanxiety · 14/11/2025 04:37

Look up an obituary of his late lamented wife.

Highlighta · 14/11/2025 04:44

He started dating a few months after his wife passed? This is a major problem OP. How do you grieve properly in that short time.

You said he is close to his in laws. So there is your answer. He doesn't want them to know he moved on from their daughters death 50 seconds after she passed. Same with the step kids. So have a think why doesn't he.want them to know.....

Did this not cross your mind three years ago?

MissAvainthesun · 14/11/2025 04:59

Moving on so quickly could be a sign of grief as it affects people differently, in so many ways and maybe he hasn’t actually dealt with it yet. We don’t know what the actual circumstances are but three years is a long time. Talk to him and have a honest conversation. Only you will know if he’s lying and do your research about his wife like other posters have suggested. If it was me I would want to know much sooner than three years probably 6 months in. I really do hope you haven’t been messed around.

Icecreamisthebest · 14/11/2025 05:18

He is happy with things the way they are and has no intention of changing them.

Id also wonder what information you would learn about him if you did meet his friends and family. I suspect it’s something that would drastically change your opinion of him.

justgottadoit · 14/11/2025 06:18

I’ve been dating a widower for 3 months (he lost his wife 5 years ago and I’m his first girlfriend since then). I’m widowed too. I met his Mum recently and will meet his family at an event at New Year. I would be very suspicious of this OP. What’s his reason for keeping you apart from his family?

1983Louise · 14/11/2025 09:58

Tryingtokeepgoing · 14/11/2025 00:50

I don’t think an ultimatum is what’s called for, but I do think you need to talk to him to see if you are both on the same page about where you want this relationship to go.

And I say that as someone whose husband died around 7 years ago, but have been seeing / dating or whatever you want to call it someone for almost 3 years. We enjoy each other others company and many of the same things. But I’ve only introduced him to a couple of my friends, as he has his to me, and none of my family. I don’t intend that changing any time soon, though over time he’ll meet more of my friends I’m sure. That’s because I don’t want it, and he’s happy for it not, to become anything too serious or permanent yet.

Which is why I think you need to talk to him…we have had conversations about that and he accepts it. But it’s entirely reasonable for you to want more - he just might not be willing or ready to give more. For me, it’s because I’m not looking for a replacement for my husband, I don’t want to live with him and so, quite frankly, I don’t want him to become too embedded in my life.

Should I be ‘over’ the death of my husband now? Do I need more time? It’s not a matter of getting over it to me, but of moving forwards. There will never be enough time. So for me that means finding a new path, with new relationships. But there are some relationships that I don’t want to change...yet at least. I have nieces and nephews that I don’t want to confuse with a ‘new’ uncle, my parents are in their 80s and quite frankly I can’t be bothered with the conversation on that topic with them! Then there’s the whole minefield of my parents in law…

But good luck whatever you decide to do…I recognise that dating me comes with a bunch of baggage, and am grateful for the support and understanding that the man I am dating gives me, as I am sure the man you are dating is of you as well.

I was widowed a year ago and would want the same type of relationship going forward. I could never replace my husband but look forward to meeting someone special to enjoy the good things in life x

PermanentTemporary · 14/11/2025 10:13

I wouldn’t assume anything about his character from the timing. I was a widow, I was with people apparently too quickly for this thread. I went into a serious relationship after 2.5 years. Yes, perhaps that’s because my marriage, though loving, was difficult and full of illness for a very long time. So what?

With hindsight I was a bit too quick to introduce dp to my son who was 17, but I met his adult kids after about 6 months. I would have said up to about a year or at the extreme 18 months would have been reasonable (given that they are adults) not to meet, but 3 years is way out the extreme end. Do they even know you exist?

In the end it’s up to you. Maybe he has good reasons not to introduce you yet but you have every reason to want to be fully part of his life. I will always be grateful to my late father in law for meeting dp and accepting that I had a new relationship. Whatever your partner is afraid of might not exist.

kellygoeswest · 14/11/2025 12:22

Do you ever stay at his house or visit the area he lives in? Or does he always travel to yours?

Original poster
alysrivers · 14/11/2025 12:29

kellygoeswest · 14/11/2025 12:22

Do you ever stay at his house or visit the area he lives in? Or does he always travel to yours?

He travels to mine. I once picked him up and dropped him off at his gate when his car was out of action. His stepdaughter was home so I couldn't go in. He's definitely widowed, that's not in question, nor is his situation with the stepkids etc.

OP posts:
TheBroonOneAndTheWhiteOne · 14/11/2025 12:31

alysrivers · 14/11/2025 12:29

He travels to mine. I once picked him up and dropped him off at his gate when his car was out of action. His stepdaughter was home so I couldn't go in. He's definitely widowed, that's not in question, nor is his situation with the stepkids etc.

Show quote history

Were you at the funeral, then?

I'd be really suspicious that the wife is still alive.

PixieandMe · 14/11/2025 12:33

He started dating you months after his wife died? That's very fast.

Is it possible that some of his deceased wife's family or friends might be at the wedding?

If so, it could be that they do not feel ready to meet you and have told him so. Could it be that they feel he moved too fast with you or that there was some overlap between relationships?

Although he jumped in fast with you, after 3 years I do feel that he should be starting to include you fully in his life.

There will be a reason and he needs to be honest with you.

Original poster
alysrivers · 14/11/2025 12:36

Things moved very slowly for the first year, and I've always just said he needs time, even if it did bother me a bit...I always just buried those thoughts.
I wouldn't judge him on the timing of meeting me, everyone grieves differently.
I think this wedding invite and another family event (his family, not his in laws) have triggered my feelings of being marginal in his life. I love having him in my life. I'm also a terrible people pleaser so have a tendency to put up and shut up, while the matter that bothers me festers away.

OP posts:
PetuniaP · 14/11/2025 12:51

Time for a 'where do you see this going' conversation. If you want to move it to the next step, tell him how much you would like to meet his family. Ask for honesty.

Wowthatwasabigstep · 14/11/2025 13:07

What a lot of judgemental twaddle from some people re the length of time between his wife dying and him starting to date. Many people start grieving whilst their husband or wife is still alive as there is a terminal diagnosis. There are no rules about what time period must elapse before they are ‘allowed’ to move forward with their life, it is actually up to the individual who is grieving not some randoms on the internet to decide.

OP for me the concern would be that he has not begun to absorb you into his life but is keeping you isolated from the main players in his life. Now is the time to do some thorough information gathering and then progress onto the ‘where do you see this heading’ discussion.