Dating widower for 3 years, have never met his family or friends

[alysrivers]

I've been dating a lovely man for just over 3 years. We see each other every weekend (he lives a couple of hours away), and talk on the phone every day. We have been on multiple holidays together, including one with some of my friends, and have more planned.
When we met, he had been widowed just a few months prior. He lives in the family home, and has two young adult stepkids. He is also close to his late partner's parents.
Given the circumstances, things moved slowly and I've been happy to go at his pace. He has brought a lot of happiness to my life and we have a great time together. However, lately I've been feeling insecure as to where it's going and I can't help but feel somewhat peripheral in his life. I think I feel like I've been pocketed.
He was invited to a wedding abroad, and will be staying for a few nights. He said there was no plus one as they were tight on guests which is fair enough. I mentioned that I could maybe come on the holiday, I didn't have to go to the wedding but I didn't push it. I just get the feeling he didn't want me there to be introduced to people he knows.
I don't know if I should just try and get over it and that he still needs more time, or if I should say something, so would appreciate any advice.

Do you spend Christmas, birthdays and other special dates together?

I've known of three husbands/partners who's wives died of cancer. They all had a replacement lined up before they died. The new relationship was announced many months later but some of us knew the true timelines.

I wouldn't have believed it if I didn't know them personally.

Enough time has passed, and like someone else up thread said, he is compartmentalising you.

I don’t see not meeting adult children as a red flag tbh however not having met anyone in his friendship circle I see as a far bigger issue

Its like he’s completely compartmented his life and you’re tucked away like a dirty little secret

We were away together last Christmas and on a significant birthday of his this year. He's staying home this Christmas as one of the kids has asked him to

Ah, he doesn't own the house he's living in and doesn't want his step kids evicting him.

If that's the case, your relationship will never be anything more than it is right now.

Does he rigidly plan and work out your time together? Are you free to drop in at his house, make last minute plans etc? If it’s all done on his terms that’s a strong indicator of an avoidant.

Agree. It is often surprising to some people just how quickly men move on....often from the word terminal!

I’d be very inclined to just drive over and see for yourself.
Sit outside his house and see if it is just him?
If so it should be a nice suprise for him - maybe take some bubbly and an meal or something
If wife and kids come home too you have your answer
Something is amiss sorry op.

Yep. Someone I used to work with met a woman at his wife’s funeral (short illness so no long grieving period while she was alive)

Within 3 months he’d moved her into his home

Just reread and seen they’re stepchildren and it’s their home he’s living in.

So it seems he’s scared to rock the boat and lose the roof over his head.

I’d be fine with not really having a relationship either his adult SC but the fact they don’t know you exist - no he’s playing all of you to keep his status quo

He’s not putting you first and he probably never will. It sounds like he’s using you to ease his grief a bit like a rebound but you’re still second best because he’s lost the love of his life who he was clearly committed to and now he’s just casually seeing someone on his terms.

This will likely end with him meeting someone who he is really into, when he’s ready and the next you’ll hear he’s engaged, living together……

How on earth do you remember threads that’s 12 months old? 😳

I actually remember that thread as well.

Fishier by the post

I was just about to say the same thing. If he starts a new relationship I’d imagine the stepchildren will expect him to leave.

Agree with this. He's having his cake and eating it too. You've been too accommodating @alysrivers . Never be anyone's secret ANYTHING. If someone's not prepared to be open about your relationship they're not ready to be in a relationship with you.

Hi OP
I was going to say what others mentioned
his step kids own the house he lives in
he met you 3 months after their mother died
There is no way can he let them find this out as they would never accept you
I also imagine realising you were 2 hours apart was a huge plus - you’d never accidentally meet them and can easily be kept apart

Bloody hell. The amount some women invest in their relationships with their husbands, and are willing to be self sacrificing... and some of those men will move on before you're literally cold in the ground. Worth remembering.

Yes, I can think of someone as well. Lots of ‘love of my life’ when wife was poorly, and before you knew it, there was a new woman on his arm, and now they are married. It’s made me change my opinion of him.

He’s living two lives and you have to decide OP, if you want to continue as it is or not. If nothing has changed in 3 years it won’t change.

Has he met your family and friends?

Or not until the stepchildren want to sell the house and buy somewhere of their own each. At which point, he will suddenly be very keen to move in with OP once he needs a roof over his head.
How much do you really know about this man and his financial set up?

MN has made me too cynical!

And you can’t go as well because? After three years, you’re hardly a fling. Even if you were there for Boxing Day and not Christmas Day, you should now be invited over. Why have his stepdaughters got such a hold on him?

I believe this. Men are the pits. This happened to one of my school friends, only the mum found out days before her own death. Fucking awful.

An old school friend of mine was dying with cancer. Her 'D'P chatted up someone we knew on a night out. She called him out and said she knew who he was. He said it didn't matter as he was only staying with her because she had cancer.

Apparently he'd once also expressed disgust at her body now that she was 'fat' from the treatment..........Yes, weight gain was a side effect. Not great, but fairly insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Un fucking believable.

I swear this isn't the same world I was born into.