Dating widower for 3 years, have never met his family or friends

[alysrivers]

I've been dating a lovely man for just over 3 years. We see each other every weekend (he lives a couple of hours away), and talk on the phone every day. We have been on multiple holidays together, including one with some of my friends, and have more planned.
When we met, he had been widowed just a few months prior. He lives in the family home, and has two young adult stepkids. He is also close to his late partner's parents.
Given the circumstances, things moved slowly and I've been happy to go at his pace. He has brought a lot of happiness to my life and we have a great time together. However, lately I've been feeling insecure as to where it's going and I can't help but feel somewhat peripheral in his life. I think I feel like I've been pocketed.
He was invited to a wedding abroad, and will be staying for a few nights. He said there was no plus one as they were tight on guests which is fair enough. I mentioned that I could maybe come on the holiday, I didn't have to go to the wedding but I didn't push it. I just get the feeling he didn't want me there to be introduced to people he knows.
I don't know if I should just try and get over it and that he still needs more time, or if I should say something, so would appreciate any advice.

He's compartmentalizing you OP.

I wouldn't be impressed by that at all. He wants to keep you a secret.

I think you have been very patient and caring.Being widowed is very different to a divorce though .And everyone grieves at their own pace .I do think though that it's odd you havent met the family yet. If his DC are younger then they are probably still grieving .

I can understand not meeting children of his, as for them it could well be that they would understandably feel no-one can replace their mother. But no-one else does seem unreasonable and I agree you should talk to him.

Are you absolutely sure he is widowed? My mum met someone after my dad died. He told her he was widowed and they had a similar relationship to yours
It turned out his wife was very much alive but in a care home. Sad situation but he lied to my mum.

I was thinking the same.

Sorry to be morbid @alysrivers but how do you know she has died other than what he has told you?

You need to talk and work out whether you're both on the same page or not re any future as a proper public couple (i.e. introductions to f&f). Maybe he doesnt want them to know how soon he met you after he was widowed? Idk. Talk and find out now, rather than waste time on a secret friendship, not a relationship.

I suspect it’s maybe about concern for the step-children. Not only have they lost their mother but they’re also living with a non-blood relative (their step-dad). I can imagine he’s v aware that if/when another woman comes into that domestic unit they may (rightly or wrongly) feel they aren’t part of that unit, given it’ll be highlighted that step-dad is no longer officially their step-dad because he’s with someone who’s not their mum.

Not saying that that’s the actual case - but people have gut feelings and subconscious worries and sensitivities which may be at play here

I think he's put you in the convenient gf box and that's where you're going to stay. You're feeling like a peripheral in his life because you are and this isn't going anywhere, certainly not a live in relationship or marriage. He won't even have you around his friend's wedding. You're being treated as a side chick.

If you want more, you're going to have to sit down and have a talk.

I think he's not going to want to change anything so be prepared for him to break up with you.

Not to have met anyone in his life in three years.. there couldn’t be a bigger red flag.

My dh was a widower and I met him (online) a few months after his first wife's death. It was too quick in hindsight but he had been grieving for 6 years at that point (she died from early onset dementia and he was her main carer). After 3 years together I think it's entirely fair that you have a conversation about where you are in his life. There's no right or wrong but we met each others' families and friends after nearly a year. It's about what feels right for both of you but you're certainly not unreasonable to be asking the question. If his answer is that he wants a very compartmentalised life for the foreseeable future, you're not unreasonable if that feels wrong for you. Hopefully it's a process you'll be able to navigate together.

I dated a widower pretty soon after his wife died. It looks to me like your DP likes things just as they are: he gets the comfort of you at the weekend and doesn't have to rock the boat with various relatives all week. This is fine if you're happy with it, but I am afraid I would have made an ultimatum a year or so ago. Don't you feel a bit too old to be sneaking around, OP?

3 years?
You have settled for far too little.
You are his dirty little secret, widowed or not.

Why would you accept so little for so long?

Deeply weird. I would be suspicious if I hadn't met a new man's family after 4-5 months. I reckon he's living a double life @alysrivers Wife and kids holed away somewhere.

He doesn't want to integrate you into his real life.

There was an identical thread to this about a year ago.

Was it you @alysrivers using another name?

I think the issue there was jealousy of the new woman by the daughter and also some concern about the state of the house. That man would not allow his girlfriend to use his loo when they were on their way to an evening out (she was picking him up I think, or maybe on her way home.)

The 'reason' was the step daughter.

The same comments were made then such as was he really a widow and where was the proof?

I think you need a frank talk with him.

3 years is long enough to know where this is going especially when he got involved with you very soon after his wife's death.

You have allowed this to happen but putting up and shutting up, as you say.

He's not involving you into his life.

No, that wasn't me

Is he living in his deceased partner’s house? Do his stepchildren still live in the home? That may explain why he doesn’t want you inside his home. It might not even be his home; he may just have the right to live in it. I can imagine his step children not being thrilled about him bringing his girlfriend to their dead mother’s house.

He needs more time, yet he was keen to get with you a few months after his OH died?

Inviting yourself along to the wedding to make a holiday of it wasnt great, presumably people he does know who are invited and are going will be there and he wants to spend time just with them which is fair.

You have to remember you arent his partner, you dont live together, and just see each other at weekends, he probably doesnt see relationship as serious as you do.

He is, and the step children (both esrly 20s) now own the house. One has recently moved out and the other is there part time. I don't necessarily want to be in the house, I respect that space as a family home. It's more that nobody in his circle seems to know about me, and it's making me question the entire relationship

After three years, there’s no reason not to go to his house. Have you been inside at all?

He does not see the relationship as serious. He enjoys spending time with you at the weekend, and getting his needs met.

What were the circumstances of you meeting him? Was it via online dating? Did he deliberately pick a woman who lives a fair distance away from him?

Ah, that might be the answer. His step children don't want anyone "replacing" their mother. And would probably take a very dim view of him having met someone only a few months after her death. If they own the house they could chuck him out (through anger/spite/disapproval) if they find out about you. So he can't introduce you to anyone in case they discover. Not necessarily right but it is a theory OP.

I do think that after 3 years, you need to find out exactly what he is looking for going forward. It may possibly be that he can only live in the marital home if he stays unmarried, but as you are beginning to question why you are still in the same situation this long, now’s the time to have a talk.

It sounds awful. I say have it out with him. Your thoughts and reasoning will eat you alive. I was with someone like this only he wasn't even widowed, just divorced! Similar set up though.

Sorry, however, you are the "other woman". If you believe his wife has passed away then so be it, how do you know he doesn't have another woman who he has introduced to his friends and family?
For whatever reason you are being hidden. Him always coming to yours, the secrets, no invites to the friends wedding. Utter twaddle. I'd be asking for honesty and clarity, if I received neither I'd be throwing this one back.