Dating widower for 3 years, have never met his family or friends

[alysrivers]

I've been dating a lovely man for just over 3 years. We see each other every weekend (he lives a couple of hours away), and talk on the phone every day. We have been on multiple holidays together, including one with some of my friends, and have more planned.
When we met, he had been widowed just a few months prior. He lives in the family home, and has two young adult stepkids. He is also close to his late partner's parents.
Given the circumstances, things moved slowly and I've been happy to go at his pace. He has brought a lot of happiness to my life and we have a great time together. However, lately I've been feeling insecure as to where it's going and I can't help but feel somewhat peripheral in his life. I think I feel like I've been pocketed.
He was invited to a wedding abroad, and will be staying for a few nights. He said there was no plus one as they were tight on guests which is fair enough. I mentioned that I could maybe come on the holiday, I didn't have to go to the wedding but I didn't push it. I just get the feeling he didn't want me there to be introduced to people he knows.
I don't know if I should just try and get over it and that he still needs more time, or if I should say something, so would appreciate any advice.

I used to have a friend through a Uni. course, and there were several of us who kept in touch. After she graduated and got her first job in an office in London, she would meet us for drinks or dinner to talk about her love life (mostly). She told us she had met a man through work, who supervised and mentored her, but worked all over the UK with various trainee recruits. He was older, and lived up North but travelled down to London and other places for his job. She liked him a lot and was very excited about their future together. I think she was planning the big wedding in her head. She started to date him, and was under strict instruction never to phone at the weekend. He only contacted her when he was in London and all on his terms. He said he was busy sorting out probate for his late mother and selling estate properties etc. He also told her he had lost his wife to cancer years before, and never considered dating before he met her. It went on for ages, and we were all thinking the same thing. No one had the guts to tell her that it would end in tears because he was already married, or had her as a convenient port in a storm when he was bored in London. In the end, I told her what we were all thinking and she was furious. Turned out we were right too. She lost Mr Married who was a bit of an office lothario in different parts of the UK, and she lost her group of friends as it was never the same after that. She ended up leaving a job she loved as she could not face the gossip in the office, and hated seeing him. She found out through someone he worked with, who took her to one side to tell her how it was.

In your situation, I would have honestly left a year or so ago. I would not want to risk being the other woman, or being on the side-lines discarded when 'a better offer' comes along. The problem with these sorts of relationships are that you might never know the truth. I had a colleague once who had a husband who was a surgeon and stayed at his work flat one week out of two. It turned out he had another wife in that city, and a few kids too, and it made it to the newspapers. All rather embarrassing as she was a lovely person, and must have been gutted. You can snoop on the internet about deaths, especially as you know his address. If you find that his late wife really is late, you can start looking at other reasons why he may wish to hide you. He may have dating accounts online, or be seeing another woman locally. Please be careful because 3 years is a long long time for this to have been going on, and it must worry you. No man, no matter how wonderful he seems, is worth worrying about (especially if he doesn't even acknowledge you to his family and friends).

@1983Louise I think it's to do with his living situation.
I'm guessing he doesn't own a house himself?
How much do you know about his deceased wife? How long together, was he with her from when the kids were very small? That kind of thing.
She's passed her house directly onto her children but he may have a lifetime interest in living there (if you know her name you may be able to find her will online?) but it may have a clause that says he can't if he marries someone else?

It's pretty unanimous here that after 3 years you being treated almost like a type of OW or being a secret.

It boils down to what do YOU want moving forward? If he's homeless (due to revealing his status with you) would you move him in with you ? Do you know his true financial situation?

I know a man who once his wife died conveniently stepped out with a gymn instructor at a class he was attending. Poor soul, just didn't have time for grief did he?

How old is he, roughly, OP and is he still working? I agree with pp that he's expecting to be kicked out of the house once the stepkids find out about you. But in that case, what's his plan? Has he never owned a place himself?

You could ask whether he plans to stay in the house much longer. It would be interesting to hear his answer.

So if his mum or a sibling dies you tell him to fuck off home and not bother you until he's over it, if you've never met these people it's not your job to give a shit about them. I also had this, we were together for 4 years, I met his friends but not his family. He was taking ages to get divorced and didn't want his family to know about me. When his mum died I told him not to bother me with such petty shit, then I ghosted him.

Beginnings are important. And your beginning has set a rule that his feelings are the important ones, and because he’s been bereaved, your job is to be considerate and not have needs.
trying to reset that will be hard. The circumstances mean that you let the bar be quite low, and getting him to value you and your needs more will be bumpy.

really important you do it though, he has zero reason to treat you as someone he is proud to be with that has a place in his life. At the moment he gets all the comfort and connection of a relationship, without any of the discomfort of explaining to his family (and himself) that he’s moved on. He can keep you compartmentalised and not entirely real, so that he can also feel that he is remaining constant to his wife.

Any update @alysrivers ?