Husband reads my threads on MN amongst other things….

[Sillyquestion123]

So my husband has broken my trust (again!) - he promised that we would stop messaging random people for random reasons, and it turns out that he has.

It also came out that he reads my threads on MN and he went and read my DMs on IG!

i literally have nothing to hide (he does!)

and I’m done and so, so angry, but I don’t want to break our family as I have finally found inner peace and I don’t want to lose half of the assets which I mostly help accrue myself.

We’re also going away on our anniversary trip next week and I genuinely want to cancel but would at least lose £1500 plus would have to explain it to the older DC (which I don’t want to).

BTW if you’re reading this FU!

any advice on how to handle this is welcome, ty

What’s the point of this thread if you’re just going to stay with him anyway?

Well I’m assuming people have figured out a way of staying together but also not caring.

I have like £230k to lose thereabouts

Sorry I don't get what you mean about messaging random people for random reasons? Who are the random people?

When you say messaging random people for random reasons, what exactly do you mean?

is he reading your threads through your account, or is he reading MN and guessing your threads?

The DM’s on IG there is no potential excuse for.

Has he explained why he is doing this? What is he looking for? How did you find out?

It sounds like there is no trust on either side, and if he’s been cheating (I’m assuming this is what you are alluding to when you say he has stuff to hide) why would you want to maintain the status quo?

it sucks that you’ll lose things that you did most of the work for - but think about what you’ll gain instead. Your children will see you role model a healthy relationship. Your children will see you happy. You’ll be happier.

On the face of it, it sounds like the marriage is over. If he hasn’t cheated, it might be salvageable through therapy.

You need to provide more context to the situation.

Why stay with him anyway though - it sounds very much over. Lose money now or lose money in future..?

Will you actually enjoy a trip
away? Surely going on it when you don’t even want to be in a relationship is a waste of money anyway? By going, you’re going to be throwing good money after bad?

What’s the point?

He likes to engage in seemingly “innocent” online conversations with women.

the latest was a random runner that lives nearby, he asked her about where to run around where we live.

Ive told him they make me uncomfortable (with actual reasons why) and that he could message random men too, but he only messages women

See a solicitor. A good one. It sounds like you have the money to do this.

Consider this - if you stay and decide in 10/15/20 years you’ve had enough, that number will be even more.

How long have you been married?

Erm, leave 🤯 Get yourself a decent lawyer and make plans to get out. Life is too short to live this miserably forever.

5 years, together 8, one child together.

I did consult lawyers back when I found out about what he did online and they all told
me I would end up losing half of my assets, so if I really only cared about that, I should remain married.

three lawyers said that.

(Your DH messaging random people aside)...

My DH found a thread once that I'd written asking for advice about my difficult relationship with one of his family members - he knew I was on Mumsnet but didn't know my username so went sleuthing to see what I'd said. He was angry with me for what I'd written and felt I had no right to post about our situation (anonymously) on the internet. I was more angry with him for betraying my right to privacy and taking away what had felt like a safe space for me. I made it clear that him I felt violated by him trying to effectively control who I seek support or advice from and to the best of my knowledge he's never looked me up on Mumsnet again. Could you have a similar conversation OP? Unfortunately you won't know whether he'll stop so I guess the trust on that one is broken but if you are looking to stay I'd at least be changing all my passwords (including phone unlock one) as a protective measure.

So you look at his messages and he reads your public posts.

Just divorce.

I’ve told him that I thought it was a violation of my privacy at least twice before!

he always justifies it that it’s because the threads can help him understand how I feel or think.

I literally have nothing friends to speak with so MN is where I get “venting” side of friendships

I actually don’t! That’s the whole thing. He came clean about messaging this lady because, oddly enough we started messaging as we met on a local FB group.

however, since he knew I was in direct touch with her, he dropped fed me the actual interactions for days!

What's the point of being with someone who you don't care about?

I guess it depends on what matters most to you OP. Staying in an unhappy marriage or money and the financial security it brings. If he's messaging random women the chances are he'll leave you for one who eventually takes the bait.....I'll bet the local woman thinks he's an absolute creep btw.
Sorry you're married to such a peach.

I find that semi easy… I’m fairly detached from the world and don’t really care for many people including my “friends” - it would become more of a transactional relationship that I think can be done

Oh right ok... Do you not want to be with someone who makes you happy though?

Ideally not by cursing and swearing.

The anniversary trip sounds like punishment 😕.

If you really want to stay and not give a shit, that's literally just what you have to do. Change all your passwords so he can't access your devices to check up on you, and stop checking up on him. Ignore eachother on everything but a surface level. He's not going to stop messaging random women, he's already proved that to you, so just ignore it.

It's a horrible shitty way to live and I wouldn't do it to myself or my children, but if you'd rather stay and keep your assets that's what you have to do.

Staying together and not caring is a waste of your life. You’ll end up feeling resentful, bitter and unhappy as clearly you do care. He doesn’t respect you, he doesn’t resoect your boundaries and he is not a keeper. Is 230k worth a life of misery? He could decide to leave and still get half the assets.

Take control of your own destiny OP.

And if you’re reading this OP’s excuse of a husband, FU, she deserves better.

For the most part he still makes me happy. I also have my dogs to make happy! (And my cat!) I don’t need a man to make me happy so to speak

What do you actually want people to say here? You aren't going to leave him because of money so will have to put up with him being a creep. It is good that you can mentally distance yourself from him because your life would be insufferable.

For me I would take the hit of the money (and have done) and start rebuilding my happier life sooner rather than later when the bitterness rot really sets in.

Thank you, that made me smile :)