Husband reads my threads on MN amongst other things….

[Sillyquestion123]

So my husband has broken my trust (again!) - he promised that we would stop messaging random people for random reasons, and it turns out that he has.

It also came out that he reads my threads on MN and he went and read my DMs on IG!

i literally have nothing to hide (he does!)

and I’m done and so, so angry, but I don’t want to break our family as I have finally found inner peace and I don’t want to lose half of the assets which I mostly help accrue myself.

We’re also going away on our anniversary trip next week and I genuinely want to cancel but would at least lose £1500 plus would have to explain it to the older DC (which I don’t want to).

BTW if you’re reading this FU!

any advice on how to handle this is welcome, ty

Ew I’d honestly be creeped out if a random man messaged me asking about running locations.

I know! It’s effing weird. I mean it’s all in Strava so it’s public etc…. But still weird.

the worst think is that I somehow figured out that he could/would eventually message this lady.

Well you can start there if your goal is to stop caring. Stop caring about who he messages.

Get yourself a bit on the side. Get some dopamine fix in. Start sleeping apart. You have no respect for each other, so why not?

I don’t need to! I’m just happy to be with my dogs. However, he doesn’t let me sleep with the “puppy” so maybe I’ll let him back in our bed. At least he’s faithful!

Hopefully his stalking behaviour of random women will get him into hot water.

You aren't going to be able to stop caring that your husband is this much of a creep because he's doing it all the time and it's impacting your life. If you could stop caring frankly you'd be a very strange person.

It's either divorce and accept the financial hit (but find a shl), gain a heart of stone or find an undetectable poison.

Hi Mr Silly, 👋
Stop snooping you nosy fuckhead. That is a form of abuse.

Kind regards,
The universe

Your DH reads your posts on a public forum? Stop posting or change your user name. Job done.

Tbh I think losing money now rather when your wealth increases would be a good trade off to get rid of the creepy fucker. See it as a happiness tax.

What age are you now? Do you earn a lot more than him? If you think he is likely to cheat down the line with messaging women etc… it may be better to split now, take the financial hit than finding at retirement age he takes off with someone new and with half your house and pension and you have no longer got the ability to build it up again. There is no point sharing a house with someone you don’t trust - better to have a slightly smaller space and not have to worry about your partner snooping or cheating!

It was exactly this train of thought that caused me to endure life with my exH ( a gaslighting lazy cocklodger I may add). For an additional few years.
It doesn’t get any better. I had to change my perspective and way of thinking in order to take action.

It seems so unjust to lose your “ comfortable” life for someone you feel doesn’t deserve a payout.
However, it’s the risk we take when we marry and if you can come round to thinking “ well, it’s the law and it is what it is”, you will be able to grab the bull by the horns and take steps to free yourself from this torture.
It sounds like you are a good earner. You’ll be poorer for a couple of years or so. You’ll live in smaller property perhaps but you will be happier. You’ll enjoy your home without the negative energy from this unwanted person.
You’ll be able to do as you please with no one winding you up. Your home will be your safe haven. Your child will be happier without a toxic family environment.

My exH was quite cocky. He was goady and verbally abusive and even told me straight “ You can’t afford to divorce me !” I proved the fucker wrong and off he went with his tail between his legs !
You can do the same, OP !

No amount of money is worth my precious time on this Earth, nor my self-respect.

Just leave, unless you have some sort of sick hobby for feeling victimised.

Same!! This is just so weird! I’d be wondering if I should report him if this happened to me. And defo wouldn’t tell him where I like to run 😬

I’m 41 so still quite away from retirement. I earn about 2.5x more than him.

but there’s also his children, I care about them and one of them is about to present his A levels and we were going to support him financially towards his university studies. I don’t want him to suffer the consequences of having a thoughtless father

OK, so what are you posting for? I think if you can stay together, protect your lifestyle, and be happy and not give a shit, that's great, surely?

So he is using a public message forum to ask another runner about routes. That is not weird. Or at least no more weird than you sharing your life details on a public forum and rhen being surprised when it is read.

I preumed you meant he was DM'ing her. Does he know who she is in real life?

Better to be from a so called broken home than to remain in one. This is all really built on sand.

Do not kid yourself you are happy as a unit. You are clearly not and your child will pick up on all the vibes here both spoken and unspoken between you and their dad. You do not have to argue all the time either; the atmosphere within your house is oppressive. Do not forget either that sound travels and your child has likely heard and seen far more than either of you care to realise. Staying together for what are really selfish based reasons will do none of you any favours at all.

So according to him (because I have no interest in checking)… He either DMed her or he posted on one of her runs.

He says she then said to message her over WhatsApp, and so he did.

We met that way…. (As in he commented on one of my runs) so it’s all very pathetic I know.

As difficult as it is to believe…. For the past 3 years it was all very blissful, no passive aggressiveness or anything because I moved on from his wrongdoing.

we definitely have lived a happy family life.

OP

"we definitely have lived a happy family life"
If you keep telling yourself that you end up believing it. Note your use of the past tense here. Denial is a powerful force and you have not really moved on at all from his wrong doings.

Your son is already suffering the consequences of having a thoughtless father. He is learning from him too as to how relationships are conducted; you're both providing the blue prints here.

There is never any one good time to leave and indeed you cite exams here. However, these are not the be all and end all and in addition are no reason for you to remain with their dad. I would think it's not a great environment for your children to be studying in and besides which exams can be retaken. What happens after their exams?.

And what are you going to do on this anniversary trip next week with your so called H?. You do not want to go and rightly so. Ok so you lose money but so what?. Self worth is far more valuable a commodity.

Suspicion haunts the guilty mind.

my dad always says that.

you came into the world with nothing, you can build it back up again. Don’t be afraid.

Your peace is priceless .

Set a good example for your child of what a healthy relationship looks like. Would you like them to think this is normal and acceptable?

You can still support your nearly adult stepchild financially by paying them directly.

I used the past tense because I do think it’s over. Or at least this version of the marriage is.

You told him you have zero tolerance….he didn’t respect that, maybe because you don’t have zero tolerance and he knows it? He’s taking the piss and doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. You sound defeated but say it’s been a blissful 3 years. I can’t make sense of this. It’s possible to start again but you don’t want to. You want to stay and not care, I don’t think that’s possible but good luck to you OP. I wish you nothing but the best 💐

I feel defeated because I thought those three years were the life that he promised me when he promised he’d change. But he didn’t in the end, so I’m back where I was 3 years ago