Husband reads my threads on MN amongst other things….

[Sillyquestion123]

So my husband has broken my trust (again!) - he promised that we would stop messaging random people for random reasons, and it turns out that he has.

It also came out that he reads my threads on MN and he went and read my DMs on IG!

i literally have nothing to hide (he does!)

and I’m done and so, so angry, but I don’t want to break our family as I have finally found inner peace and I don’t want to lose half of the assets which I mostly help accrue myself.

We’re also going away on our anniversary trip next week and I genuinely want to cancel but would at least lose £1500 plus would have to explain it to the older DC (which I don’t want to).

BTW if you’re reading this FU!

any advice on how to handle this is welcome, ty

They don’t change. They tell you they’ll change to keep your hopes up so you don’t leave.
Only you can take your power back and bring about change.

Find your anger here, do not feel defeated. Cake eaters do not change. You deserve better and so do these children. I also do not think you can stay and not care; trying to do so will only further wreak your perhaps fragile sense of self here.

3 years on with the knowledge that he breaks promises and can’t be trusted. Knowledge is power. He’s repeatedly shown you who he is. Take note. You care about his children and their financial wellbeing, he clearly doesn’t mind risking this as I assume on a lower salary he would not be able to provide as much for them on his own.

I wonder if your hope is that he reads this thread and sees the overwhelming advice to LTB and has a light bulb moment. He won’t. He might rein it in for another few years. More wasted years. He’s demonstrated his lack of respect for you, repeatedly.

Relationships are built on trust.

If you don't trust each other, then.....

I’m sorry to read 3 solicitors told you you’d lose half your money. If i understand correctly that was 3 years ago after just 2 years of marriage? I’m fairly certain that in short marriages, there won’t always be a 50/50 split - so the longer you leave it, the more likely it is that he will be entitled to that much.

If you can afford to live apart, that hit would be worth it for your happiness. And I really think with a decent solicitor you could be looking at holding onto more than 50% especially if you can show you’ve been married in name only for the last 3 years. But even if he did get half that’s so much better than waiting and giving him even more than half once he no longer has a use for you (I read that you are intending to pay for his sons uni fees) and leaves you for a younger woman - he absolutely WILL get a divorce if it’s in his financial interests to do so, so don’t kid yourself about this. It reads more that you want to force him to stay with you than about the money to he honest. Is that really what you want?

This reminds me of when my ex husband put up a thread about me as he knew I used Mumsnet for support.

He was asking posters where is I go every night until 3 am, bit of an exaggeration. The majority of posters suggested I was a prostitute until 1 poster nailed it.

Change all of your passwords etc.

Staying with a lying loser will ultimately cost you a lot more than money. It doesn't sound as if he is worth it. The sooner you split, the sooner you can build back up.

Will you have more assets built up in a few years time? Might be best to divorce now and that way you will keep everything after that. Rather than having to give him even more a few years down the line when/if he leaves you?

You have an odd idea of “happy”

So all solicitors told me that our life together before marriage would count, and also that his children have benefited from our relationship.

that plus the whole idea that he would be at least 50/50 with childcare would bring it to at least half.

they really told me that if I mostly cared about my assets never divorcing was the way forward, that I wouldn’t be the first nor the last one.

plus I don’t think I want him to stay stay but I do think all children would be impacted one way or the other.

Sounds like (correct me if I’m wrong), the 230k is currently the OPs and she stands to lose it, right?

No, I have £400k+ considering the house + pension so the £230k is half of that

Sorry, what I mean is, if you divorce, do you stand to gain from him or lose? I thought you stood to lose to him but I may have misunderstood?

Lose… 90% of our assets or mine (maybe higher)

Men who message random women about random things are always on the look out, always wanting to appear single, never satisfied, need their ego boosting all the time. Even if he never cheated it’s a really ugly trait. Why is he never messaging men..

Ok - a lot of the comments here (I think) assume the other way around. Although if you out earn him the disparity will only increase, right? It will only get more expensive to divorce him? So, I guess the question is… will you die married to this man? If not, divorce him now

Only marginally - we don’t have huge savings, so it would mostly be the pension

not yours or his assets anymore. Marital assets are usually split 50:50. Much his as yours

Only a mug would do that. A woman with self respect would leave.

So money is more important to you than self respect. In that case then you deserve everything you get and I have no sympathy for you. You're actually worse than him, imo. I'd honestly rather be left with 5 pounds to my name in my bank account than live with a cheating abuser like him. Like hell would I ever choose money over self respect.

Exactly that’s my point.

@Sillyquestion123
I was that mug.....for 17 years.....don't waste your life.
I never thought I gained self-respect to be able to leave, I felt that I got brave because my worry had always been that he would kill himself and I would have to live with the guilt but one day I realised it wouldn't be my fault if he did.

Seems like your husband has an MO....interesting that he is trying to pick up women via Strava like he did with you.

My husband had emotional affairs and messaged women....he has White Knight syndrome.....for our whole marriage....I never forgave or forgot but more swept it under the carpet until I no longer could.

I pretended life was ok and carried on, I rarely checked his phone but when I did there were always messages.

After a few years I gave up arguing with him and got on with life and decided to bide my time until my daughter was 18.
I thought I did well but actually I was a shell of myself and it wasn't until I ended things did I come out of my shell and evolve into what I am now.
In the end I couldn't wait until she was 18, I ended things when she was 15 and she took it really well. She was a daddies girl but over time his emotional blackmail and manipulation has transferred to her and they are very low contact after he did his White Knight act and had an affair and had to move the woman in after her husband kicked her out....they gave no consideration to moving a stranger in with DD who was completely freaked out and its not got better since.

After we split and when he thought we could get back together he told me he only did it (the emotional affairs and messaging women) for an ego boost and he never planned to leave me!
The audacity makes me fume even now - although I try not to think about him much.

Yes you can stop caring but it will eat you up inside.

Break the hold now, you have plenty of years left to build up a pension and buy another house.
How much pension does he have?

You've got 20+ years to build your pension back up. My mum got divorced in her 60s and it was much harder for her.

Well he’s got like what £15k? Maybe £20k? He told me the other day but don’t quite remember.

The pension won’t be worth that much, the house was always the retirement plan, pension wise, we’re talking about £5k a year on my end, which is not a lot but with the downsizing it makes things OK