Husband reads my threads on MN amongst other things….

[Sillyquestion123]

So my husband has broken my trust (again!) - he promised that we would stop messaging random people for random reasons, and it turns out that he has.

It also came out that he reads my threads on MN and he went and read my DMs on IG!

i literally have nothing to hide (he does!)

and I’m done and so, so angry, but I don’t want to break our family as I have finally found inner peace and I don’t want to lose half of the assets which I mostly help accrue myself.

We’re also going away on our anniversary trip next week and I genuinely want to cancel but would at least lose £1500 plus would have to explain it to the older DC (which I don’t want to).

BTW if you’re reading this FU!

any advice on how to handle this is welcome, ty

What are you going to do when if he ups and leaves you for another woman OP?

Because if he's seeking out random women to message then the chance of this is very, very likely...

Just change your password and log off when you've finished!

And change your phone code

I’ve always been very clear that he’s welcome to, but won’t divorce him due to the financial
settlement.

he also look up for the threads! So changing my device lint won’t change a thing

Anything anyone posts on mumsnet is in the public domain. It is not a safe space or a private chat. Too many people seem to think it is somehow different from the social media we warn our youngsters about. You have no right to ban him from reading mumsnet posts. Obviously going into your account to do it is wrong but if he knows you post it wouldn't take long for him to find your posts even if you change your user name.

It sounds like you don't actually like him anymore never mind love him. So leave. As others have pointed out you run the risk of the same losses if he decides to leave.

But surely he can Divorce you at any point ? If so you are just having a miserable time waiting to see if (when?) that will happen ?
It's a gamble really - money/current life vs will it all expensively crash down anyway?

OP, just divorce. It is galling to ‘lose’ money in a divorce but that’s just what happens when there are unequal financial contributions to a married partnership. Suck it up, move on, enjoy your life! And don’t get married again.

But after, I think, 5 years he can divorce you whether you agree or not.

Oh gosh what a depressing way to live....

He can, but knowing him I don’t think he’d bother filing the paperwork

If he is being inappropriate with other women then surely he is heading for an affair and may well take decision out of your hands.

If I were you I would rather take control of the situation. He does not sound like a man you will be married to in 20/30/40 years time - all you are doing is kicking the problem down the road.

It cost me a considerable sum to leave my exH but it’s definately worth it.
Why stay in a miserable relationship?
You will be so much happier and will bounce back quicker than you think.
See a shit hot lawyer. Expensive but potential to save you a fortune.

So you’re wealthier than him and in a divorce he’d take 50/50? And you’d have to share child custody the same.

Hmm. I guess it’s whether you cut your losses now, and get on with your life, or stay for ever and resign to living with a cocklodger for the rest of your life.

Tricky and it’d annoy me too but is it worth keeping your money and losing your life, or losing your money and keeping a life?

Your kid would grow up in an unhappy house. Your darling husband will have affairs.

Another option I suppose this might be ‘better’ - you could prove in court his bad behaviour so he might not get 50/50. Ie. Wait it out never have sex so predictably he will find sex elsewhere and you can file for divorce with the evidence. Reducing your payout.

OP this is so sad. The idea of staying in a marriage only for assets, people do this of course. But at the same time if that's the arrangement then I don't think there's much point getting angry about his messaging habits to other women. In terms of MN, as long as he isn't logging into your account everything is public here. Reading your Instagram DMs is inexcusable however

I would suggest if you're totally sure about remaining married then you need to set down some ground rules for both of you and make it absolutely clear that this is a transactional arrangement only and the romantic, emotional element of your partnership is essentially over. I don't think I could do that OP but if you think you can that's fair enough x

If you think it could be possible to make the relationship good again, you could try to get some counselling, which may help him see that overstepping your boundaries is not OK.
If not, and you would purely be staying for financial reasons I think you really need to start preparing for divorce. That doesn't mean necessarily instigating the legal process just yet, but making sure you have details of finances and putting any new assets you pay for/savings you earn etc in your name only (so that he can't easily access them without your agreement if he decides to leave) and start looking at how/where you would want to live if you were not with him. Even if you decide you don't want to divorce him and are willing to live in a purely transactional relationship, he may well decide to leave at any point and you will have no control over when/how if you leave it to him. I also think it's much easier on the children to have parents who divorce relatively amicably and quickly than to live for years with parents who don't like each other and then go through a messy split when one of them inevitably finds someone else.

and why would you want to? You clearly hate him.

In the short term, change your password, change your username so he can't find you.

You only get one life. Is this really how you want to spend it? I would value my happiness as being worth more than 230k, but YMMV.

I don’t hate him, I hate what he’s done to me, although I really wanted to punch him this morning .

You’ll sacrifice yourself on the altar of money. Many do. It never ends well

Money does bring me a lot of happiness and “inner peace” and it’s taken me years to build myself up from scratch to lose half of it because I decided to marry a lying loser.

losing my comforts would be more painful on a day to day basis than tolerating his inadequacies I think.

but if there is another woman to potentially do the paperwork (with a 250K incentive) where will you be?

You cant rely on him not cutting and running at some point, plus that financial pot will only be growing by your input the longer you stay.

It may not be 50 50 anyway. Its not a long marriage. Amd you have a child - does he do 50 50 with them? and what did you bring in.

If you are only staying for assets that he could take himself at any point, get out before they get bigger, while you have a child and while the marriage is pretty short.

If there is no trust, there is no relationship anyway.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

Staying with him because of potentially losing money in a divorce or for a lifestyle you want to maintain are the worst things you could do here for both you and your child. How is this apparent not caring detached attitude going to work out for you?. I can see your MH going forward crash and burn.

What's your child going to say if you were to tell them that you stayed with their dad because of financial reasons?. They could call you frankly daft for staying and could well accuse you also of putting him before them.

What is your child learning from the two of you about relationships here; both of you are teaching this young person very damaging lessons about relationships. One day your child will leave home and far sooner than later so then it will be just you and he. What happens then?. Surely living your own life without him in it day to day is far better than hanging on out of this fear you'll be losing money.

Because of my own work commitments it would have to be 50/50. I’m often away for days, and he does a lot of the childcare once home - as I often have to work into the evenings.

and yes another woman might have the incentive, that it’s always within the realms of possibility

He may not, but what about when he meets another woman who pushes him into it? I mean, you can easily live together as co-parents and lead separate lives like roommates, but if you stop being intimate he's going to get another woman, who is going to want you out of the picture.

"Losing my comforts would be more painful on a day to day basis than tolerating his inadequacies I think."

Would they really?. I think not. A house is but bricks and mortar and your home is anything really other than the sanctuary it should be. And by calling his behaviour towards you inadequacies you're downplaying what he is doing here to you - and in turn your child. Don't assume he/she is unaware; this child likely knows far more about the parlous state of your marriage than either you or he care to realise. They pick up on all the vibes here, both spoken and unspoken, between you two.

I genuinely doubt it? It’s not like we argue about this all the time. I think last time was like 3 years ago (I think as that’s when I told him I had zero tolerance for sneaky behaviour going forward) and overall (when you take away the moronic behaviour from my husband) we all are (and act) like a very happy family.

which is why I also don’t want to break it. As a unit, we’re all very happy.