DH said he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore

[Cosyoats]

Have name changed, but long-time reader.

I am in my early mid 30s. I have been with my husband for three years and married for one. We moved abroad for his job at the start of the year and have been enjoying our time together here before trying for a family next year - or so I thought.

things have deteriorated between us during the summer. It came down to my husband not feeling as desired as he would like. I put my hands up to being a bit complacent, I was in the grips of getting to understand a new job and could have been much better in making us a priority. I really put in a lot of effort when he expressed his unhappiness and thought we were back on track. However, since the summer he has almost done a 180 on me he is no longer interested in any kind of affection outside of the bedroom, he has stopped initiating any kind of sexual contact (but quite happy to accept if I initiate), he also is reluctant to say ‘I love you’ in response to me saying it.

He went quiet and sulky for about a week, barely speaking to me and then wanted to talk. The long and short of the discussion is that he is unhappy in the relationship and doesn’t know if he can see past that unhappiness to know if he’s still ‘in love’ with me but loves and cares for me as a person. He said he’s committed to trying couples counselling but made a point of saying it might not work but he wants to give it a try.

To say I’m devastated is an understatement.

Luckily he went away for work a few days later so I’ve had some space to think and grieve a bit. Part of me wants to try the counselling but a bigger part of me feels like this a ‘softly softly’ exit on his part so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

I’ve started MN protocol of getting ducks in a row in any case and have shared what’s going on with close friends (both at home and in the new country I’m living in) and family who have been tremendously supportive.

Not sure what I’m asking for, third-party thoughts and wisdom? I truly thought he was my life partner. Even when he’s being an arsehole of epic proportions, I know I’m still ‘in love’ with him.

Just heartbroken and trying to stay upbeat / doing nice things for me.

So sorry.
Cherchez la femme I’m afraid.

The signs are feeling inevitable.

:(

He’s had his head turned

Had a very similar experience.

Long story short - he cheated, then I retaliate cheated. In the end, even though he was 'nice' to me but always out 'working' I couldn't take any more isolation and came back to the UK.

After 10 years we got in contact for financial reasons. We had both had relationships and became friends and he's now divorced with kids and I'm just remarried.

I hate to say it but I think he's wanting his 'freedom' to shag about.

He’s lost a lot of weight recently as well (on the pens) and mentioned in our chat before he left that he feels like he’s part of a generation of young men who were “lost in their 20s” and he’s on this big self-improvement journey.

I keep reflecting on that comment, could be nothing but could be something. I’m reading into it that now he’s lost a good few stone he’s regretting settling with me and wants to shag about.

I'm sorry 💐

What a shit sandwich this is for you.

I have no specific advice but i just wanted to say that what you said about not being sure about going through counselling ect. ... i think i'd feel the same.

It sounds to me like going through counceling with him would simply be pulling off the plaster as sloooowly as possible 🙁

My advice would be to keep your head up and tell him he's free to piss off thank you - and you'll start your side of the divorce proceedings!

If you’re a long time reader, you’ll know that a. Someone will post, cherchez la femme
and
b. they’ll be right.

Sorry you are going through this. Whatever is going on, make sure not to get pregnant as things can get very complicated when another country is involved.

The time frame is often earlier than expected with an affair. "Not feeling as desired as I'd like" = "This is my excuse for the affair I am having". Weight loss = making myself attractive for a new woman / going to the gym with a new woman. Not interested in sex = getting it elsewhere and feeling awkward about shagging two women at once (and probably claiming to her that you are not interested).

Since you arrived in the new country, has he mentioned anyone "impressive" or "annoying" at work? Acted oddly excited about a certain place or person? Started listening to new music, podcasts, reading new books? Got new clothes, aftershave?

@80s he works remote and is in the house pretty much 24/7. I work in an office 5 days a week and sometimes come home unannounced for lunch at different times (only 10 min away) and he’s always been here.

I do feel like there are lots of small things which on their own are inconsequential, but adding up together is making me doubt his loyalty.

At this stage, I think his fidelity and me thinking about do I want to be in this relationship any way are two different things.

He’s been dreadful with snapping and shouting at me when I forget things or small stuff happens (like accidentally smashing a glass?!). And not knowing if he loves me has sent a massive crack into the foundation of how I see him going forward. We were supposed to be having a wedding next year as well. Thankfully I only sorted my dress, so I’ve started arranging to sell that when it arrives. Just couldn’t face continuing with the dress order feeling so uncertain. Makes sense now why he was dragging his feet booking the venue.

I feel like he’s stolen the last 3 years of my life 😞I gave up so much for him because I love him and he promised me the world. He used to deliver on those promises so why wouldn’t I trust and believe him. I desperately wanted kids as well, I’m 34 so am crushed it’s come to this.

Yes, he's already found your replacement (or thinks he has). The business of not feeling desired was all about making it your fault.

When you say you are having a wedding next year, are you not already married?

I realise it's not too comforting, but it's better to find out now that he is not committed (whatever the reason) than when you have children.
I hear from so many women that their partners turned out to be a total disappointment to them. Such a waste of time. I hope my son is a better man than this.

@NutButterOnToast Yes, we are legally married. Was a quick 15 min registration office job in January as it seemed sensible to do seeing as we were moving abroad in case anything happened to either of us.

The wedding part was to follow next October.

@Booklook I will put my hands up and say for a month or more I was phoning it in re: bedroom excitement. However, he has also been very complacent just laying there with his eyes closed and not really participating.

Doesn’t really help encourage the momentum on my side.

I'm so sorry, cosyoats. Something similar happened to me pre-wedding as we contemplated moving abroad for his job, which he went for in the end. Coldness, 'not sure what he wants', etc - all within weeks of getting engaged.

Be glad you are not pregnant and pivot your way back to somewhere you have love, support, and opportunity. Don't allow him to dangle truth carrots or 'I don't know what I want' bollocks. Take control of your life. You are young - plenty young enough to have a family - and clearly have your head screwed on to be getting your ducks in a row at this stage. Think with your head and get smart.

Yep, do not wait for him to decide whether he loves you or not.
He's unhappy because you thought of something other than him and didn't act like a femme fatale for a few weeks? Not dad material, sorry.

I'm sorry OP but you need to step back. I felt like I was bending over backwards to get things on track, but it was derailed good and proper and I was deluded. Funny though, I knew things were done in that intuitive way women have but couldn't believe it.

You come home unannounced within a range of possible lunch times but you’d never suddenly show up between say 9 and 11 and 3 and 5? He wouldn’t be short of opportunity in that case

Who did he work with before you moved abroad? Was there anyone in his old office he was close to, and could be in contact with, or someone from a club / gym he used to attend that he mentioned a lot, then went quiet about? I've known that happen before when a couple has moved - the whole "i'll miss working with you' thing turned into a big affair.

Yep, completely agree.

As soon as I read your first post I thought another woman.

Don’t hang about. Make the decision and leave. You’re 34 and want children. You need to get on with life not wait for him fannying about.

I had a similar situation a bit younger than you and wish someone had said that to me.

This sounds painful 😣. I think he’s articulated that he wants the relationship to end … even though he is leaving it slightly wooly.

As much as it hurts now it’s better to drawn a line on it then live in a halfway house.

I don't really like the phrase 'he's had his head turned' as if someone else is to blame. If he is seeing another woman, HE'S the asshole.

If your 34 and want kids, don't let him waste your time with couples therapy. End it, maybe get some personal therapy and decide whether you want to stay out there or move home and start rebuilding your life

Spot on the money. A friend married a man who was a fat child, teenager, young adult. He then threw himself into diet, exercise, and shagging about like a kid in a sweet shop.

She did understand his hangups from ugly duckling to a swan. But it broke her heart. Unfortunately they had three children, couldn't afford to split she said.

I’m so sorry. I’ve had these awful words said to me. I had the same warning on Mumsnet. And it was right, I was sure it couldn’t be but it was.
It’s so tough but be strong. Three years is a short time over a lifetime for a derailment, if this is what he turns out to be, you WILL get over this even though it’s terrible to go through and you will move onto far happier times. There is no happiness to be found with someone who gets irritated at you and is unsure whether they love you. How can he think you want that? It will take time to process the shock but try to keep holding your head high and make it clear that this is not good enough for you.