DH said he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore

[Cosyoats]

Have name changed, but long-time reader.

I am in my early mid 30s. I have been with my husband for three years and married for one. We moved abroad for his job at the start of the year and have been enjoying our time together here before trying for a family next year - or so I thought.

things have deteriorated between us during the summer. It came down to my husband not feeling as desired as he would like. I put my hands up to being a bit complacent, I was in the grips of getting to understand a new job and could have been much better in making us a priority. I really put in a lot of effort when he expressed his unhappiness and thought we were back on track. However, since the summer he has almost done a 180 on me he is no longer interested in any kind of affection outside of the bedroom, he has stopped initiating any kind of sexual contact (but quite happy to accept if I initiate), he also is reluctant to say ‘I love you’ in response to me saying it.

He went quiet and sulky for about a week, barely speaking to me and then wanted to talk. The long and short of the discussion is that he is unhappy in the relationship and doesn’t know if he can see past that unhappiness to know if he’s still ‘in love’ with me but loves and cares for me as a person. He said he’s committed to trying couples counselling but made a point of saying it might not work but he wants to give it a try.

To say I’m devastated is an understatement.

Luckily he went away for work a few days later so I’ve had some space to think and grieve a bit. Part of me wants to try the counselling but a bigger part of me feels like this a ‘softly softly’ exit on his part so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

I’ve started MN protocol of getting ducks in a row in any case and have shared what’s going on with close friends (both at home and in the new country I’m living in) and family who have been tremendously supportive.

Not sure what I’m asking for, third-party thoughts and wisdom? I truly thought he was my life partner. Even when he’s being an arsehole of epic proportions, I know I’m still ‘in love’ with him.

Just heartbroken and trying to stay upbeat / doing nice things for me.

Being tired, not having enough energy/hours in the day, being distracted due to a new job or something other life circumstance is normal part of life and if he can't cope with less attention then how's he going to cope with bigger things like a child, illness, sudden change in finances AKA LIFE.

A relationship should be able to sustain a time of less sex, especially as you mentioned in your op that you were settling in to a new job.
Don't blame yourself, he sounds immature and selfish.

Sorry I know that doesn't help you but you don't need to add guilt or responsibility to how you're already feeling.

I'm sorry you've had this happen, especially after being generous enough to uproot your life to move overseas for his job. He sounds extremely immature and not worth staying with. Definitely not a good guy to have children with. I think you'll meet someone much kinder and more mature if you leave him.

Get out, OP, as soon as you can.

He's not a suitable life partner. The fact that you haven't made the effort for awhile in the intimacy department is not grounds to stop loving you. That's normal in long term relationships. He needs to grow up. I suspect you having moved for him and letting him use your money puts your in a vulnerable position. Also, no wonder you've been phoning it in - it's not exactly hot that he's spent all your cash is it?! Be kind to yourself. Get what you can back from him and get away! This is definitely him not you. I hope you manage to find a suitable partner to start a family with.

If your partner lay on his back like a dead fish on a marble slab with just his dick showing any sign of life. Just how loving would you find that?

An unoriginal storyline but I have left myself vulnerable re: money and he has drained all my savings as I had to repeatedly bail us out when he gambled away his entire salary.

I was wondering wtf the "generation of men who were lost in their 20s" meant... it's not a new thing for people in their 20s to be in a whirlwind of trying to sort out their careers and relationships (it was the premise of Friends, which started in the early 90s). Is this what it meant?

Feel so awful for you, OP, it must be heartbreaking, but a life attached to a man who drains both the heart and the bank account of you would be so much worse.

Ok, the chances of you recouping the money are slim.
I am not sure we will honour those promises.

Start putting as much away as possible.
I think this is possibly the end for you and him, don't take this crap, it is never going to go away.

Just walk away. He thinks he can do better - fuck him!

Another one here hearing the script, I’m so sorry.
His self improvement might have been coincidental, or it might have started because he met somebody else or now thinks he’s God’s gift and enjoying more attention.
Either way it doesn’t matter.
This is so typical it’s pathetic:
Man starts taking care with his appearance, spends more time on his phone , starts picking fault with you, starting arguments, starts avoiding sex or being emotionally detached during sex, not initiating or returning affection, starts saying he’s unhappy….then “I love you but Im
not in love with you…” and/ or “I’ve been unhappy for years…” and/or “ We got together too young.. …”
Classic cheat’s bullshit.
Prepare yourself OP, I’d bet my house there’s somebody else. I’ve yet to read about or be confided in IRL about an “unhappy” man who wasn’t cheating.
He needs justifications for cheating, trying to break the cognitive dissonance of wanting to do something he knows is wrong, yet remain a good guy. So, you get pilloried as the ‘problem’ and OW becomes the angel of salvation and the ‘solution.’
It’s all rubbish and you are not to blame, don’t ruminate over what you may or may not have said or done to cause it, you didn’t, you can’t cause someone to cheat, it’s a personal choice, an option, not an inevitability.
I’ll take back every word if he’s not cheating, but I don’t think I’ll have to. Protect yourself and don’t try to second-guess this, he didn’t wake up yesterday and decide he was unhappy. He’s had way more time than you to think through what he’s going to say/do, you are new to this party. Get ahead of the game.

So sorry OP but I agree with the orhers, there's someone else. Some of these men are so bloody stupid that they throw their families away to chase women they've never even met in real life.

@Cosyoats "my mum quite rightly said to use his guilt-generosity."

Your mum is a wise woman! Take her advice. That's if the bastard honours everything he's promised. He's either met someone else (most likely scenario) or he's having a premature mid-life crisis - or both. Divorce him and get yourself back to the UK OP. Good luck with everything.

I would act fast while he is still feeling guilty and while he thinks you have no idea there is another woman (have no doubt - the fact that he has suggested paying for you to move back to the UK, there is a new woman where you live and he wants you out the way).

Get him to transfer you the money asap - to pay you back for the debt, the flight home and years rent upfront. And get yourself out of there with your head held high. Play nice, be amicable, and play on his guilt. Then once you have that cash, and you are back home - you can drop the facade of niceness and get on with the divorce. Act fast but play the long game!

I also got the 'guilt' rent paid OP, but in the country I was in. Take it and get things in order.

What a heel he is. Take everything he is offering. It’s probably BS but you should feel no qualm about taking whatever you can get.

Check your credit score asap, make sure he’s not taken out any credit in your name that you don’t know about. Sounds like he’s a gambling addict, get out whilst you can and cut all ties. He will never be the man you want him to be, and he will not be a good husband or father

Take whatever money he offers immediately. He might change his mind once you start divorce proceedings. You deserve so much better than this cheating, gambling, immature idiot.

God grief, he’s a total loser.

i think when this is done, you need to seek some therapy,and understand why you could get with such an appalling human and put up with s9 much in such a short period of time, he’s just used you. And now he’s on his feet he’s off looking for another woman, thinking he can do better now he’s slim. Even willing to pay for you to go.

take the money, and do go. Get some therapy so you don’t engage with men like this again, know how to protect yourself, and walk away when the first red flag gets waved.

This.

Get out, move back to where you want to be.

You've got 6 years to have kids and even if it doesn't happen, its better than having them with a cheat/flake.

You'll be fine in time.

He’s no catch, throw him back. I’m not sure I would believe that he’s going to pay you back in any way, how does he go from losing everything to being sensible and having enough to do that? Better now than after having started a family especially whilst abroad.

Op my dh was mostly based from home, the month he was having an affair he was home every evening if not all day.

His ap was in another country all together. They had their affair remotely leading up a business trip where they slept together.

Don't think there's not another woman just because he's always home.

The signs are all there. I'm so sorry. Take good care of yourself.

If he's like this now, imagine what he'd be like when you have kids and then he hits his crazy 40s of rediscovery. Op, you're doing the right thing and the right thing is by not staying and lowering your standards.

How often does he "work away"? Usually men don't 'fall out of love' unless there is someone waiting in the wings. I'm so sorry OP. Please do use contraception if you have sex (I wouldn't want to be intimate with him if he treated me so badly).

Just draining the money would be enough for you to dump him and start looking after your own interests.

Has he lost his job?

Has he been gambling to create an appearance of an income?

Don't listen to any of his promises or future faking. Look at your credit report and his.

Get shot of him as fast as you can.

Another weak pathetic fucker who can't stick to the wedding vows that no one forced him to make. 🤬

You know, I'm convinced that the best response to all these men who suddenly want out of their marriages is to agree with them enthusiastically. "I've been thinking exactly the same thing. Sorry you had to be the one to say it. I think we could both do with a fresh start and opportunities to sleep with other people. I'll make an appt with a lawyer on Monday and we can get the ball rolling. No hard feelings, mate!"

That would shock the little crybabies. After all, I've never seen any other approach work, so you might as well take the wind out of their sails.

I'm longterm single after a bad marriage, but if anyone ever breaks up with me in the future, I'm going to immediately agree with them that it's a brilliant idea and be totally onboard with it before the nasty little article is finished speaking.

OP, sorry you got a weak man-baby who can't live up to his promises. The writing is on the wall, with the weight loss and all the rest of it. So in my view, you might as well make out that you want this divorce as much as he does, and do it. At the very least, it will strip him of all power and be good for your self-respect. You might well be broken-hearted, but he doesn't need to know that.

Get as much money back as you can, put your remaining money away securely and don't give him more money.

This relationship is going nowhere as your husband has quit it.
Get out and move on with your life.