DH said he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore

[Cosyoats]

Have name changed, but long-time reader.

I am in my early mid 30s. I have been with my husband for three years and married for one. We moved abroad for his job at the start of the year and have been enjoying our time together here before trying for a family next year - or so I thought.

things have deteriorated between us during the summer. It came down to my husband not feeling as desired as he would like. I put my hands up to being a bit complacent, I was in the grips of getting to understand a new job and could have been much better in making us a priority. I really put in a lot of effort when he expressed his unhappiness and thought we were back on track. However, since the summer he has almost done a 180 on me he is no longer interested in any kind of affection outside of the bedroom, he has stopped initiating any kind of sexual contact (but quite happy to accept if I initiate), he also is reluctant to say ‘I love you’ in response to me saying it.

He went quiet and sulky for about a week, barely speaking to me and then wanted to talk. The long and short of the discussion is that he is unhappy in the relationship and doesn’t know if he can see past that unhappiness to know if he’s still ‘in love’ with me but loves and cares for me as a person. He said he’s committed to trying couples counselling but made a point of saying it might not work but he wants to give it a try.

To say I’m devastated is an understatement.

Luckily he went away for work a few days later so I’ve had some space to think and grieve a bit. Part of me wants to try the counselling but a bigger part of me feels like this a ‘softly softly’ exit on his part so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

I’ve started MN protocol of getting ducks in a row in any case and have shared what’s going on with close friends (both at home and in the new country I’m living in) and family who have been tremendously supportive.

Not sure what I’m asking for, third-party thoughts and wisdom? I truly thought he was my life partner. Even when he’s being an arsehole of epic proportions, I know I’m still ‘in love’ with him.

Just heartbroken and trying to stay upbeat / doing nice things for me.

I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you are actually extremely lucky that he showed his true nature before you were tied down with children. I always feel so bad when I see similar posts to yours but the woman (or sometimes man) is stuck with small kids. You've had an escape.

People often reinvent themselves when they move abroad and start thinking about other possibilities they hadn't considered before. Focus on making sure you will be ok financially and location wise for any eventuality.

She could look into freezing her eggs. Some clinics do it for free if you donate some too.

This is great advice.

OP: I'm not sure if you're still reading replies to this thread as you haven't posted here in a few days but I really hope that you see my message.

I went through both myself: a gambling husband and a partner who had an emotional affair with someone whilst being with me (different men, different situations). I will tell you now that no amount of being cheated on has ever destroyed my life as much as having to deal with the aftermath of living with a gambler. You said your DH has drained you financially due to his gambling and you have taken on debt to save him (I understand why, I've been there) so I want to focus on the gambling rather than him saying he doesn't love you (because getting rid of him will be THE BEST DECISION you ever make, trust me sister).

My ex husband managed to keep his gambling a secret for about a year and built up thousands of pounds in debt (we were together for 8 years and I never suspected a thing, always trusted him with everything including money). In the meantime he was taking out loans and credit cards IN MY NAME without me knowing as he was hiding letters when I was at work.
In essence, he wrecked his credit score so much that he was no longer able to take credit in his own name... So he started to take out loans in my name to pay off his own debts and continue gambling. He thought he could pay it all back without me knowing...

Now let me paint a very ugly picture for you based on my own experience. He put me in £30k worth of debt. He wrecked my credit file to a point where I had to take debt management plans out, struggle for years and I wasn't able to get a mortgage. It took YEARS to rebuild my finances and I'm still not able to trust anyone.

In the meantime he lied lied and lied and gaslit me blaming this on his mental health. Even after I moved out he continued to take loans out in my name! Gambling is a very nasty addiction. He will not stop without help. He will tell you that he has and then months later you will find out more. This is not a person you want to throw your life away for so him wanting to leave is a blessing.

PLEASE check your credit file to make sure he hasn't defrauded you. Let's hope he hasn't. Cut your losses, take whatever money he's offering to pay you back and wave goodbye to this liar. I'm sure he is hiding things (gambling or a woman or something else) and by leaving him you will be winning.

sounds like he’s not much of a loss actually. Gambler, definitely not a wonderful lover, fakes promises, has you commit your life to move countries but doesn’t give you a couple of months grace to find your feet, has you commit your life savings and your credit card on top to pay his debt but has the absolute nerve to object to you buying sham-fucking-poo??? You’re well rid, get as much back from him as possible!

Update: He has been having a long distance affair since May last year.

Honestly, you couldn’t write it 🤣

Ah well now you know. What are your plans going forward?

What a complete and utter wanker. As pp said what are you planning to do now?

I'm so sorry OP. You deserve better than this piece of shit.

I didn't initially realise this was an old thread, but that would have been my guess from the thread title. It's all so depressingly predictable. Hope youre doing OK OP.

Oh honey.
I'm so sorry to read this update.
How are you doing now?

I remember your thread, you paying off huge debts for him and then he basically went into The Script.
So sorry.

It’s been over 3 weeks since I found out and I’ve been through every emotion twice and back again. Finally at a slightly more settled acceptance (with the occasional wobble tears) that we’re done and moving forward with divorce.

As for the immediate, I’m going back to the UK for a short spell to be with friends and family. I’m incredibly lucky that I have lots of supportive friends where I’m living as well who have rallied like actual angels walking on earth. I’m looking for a more stable job where I am in the UAE (great distraction from the missile intercepts lol) and back in the UK too so I should hopefully have a clearer long-term answer soon.

Thankfully, he’s paid back a big chunk of the money he owed me and is not kicking me out of our rented home just yet. I’ve gotten an all-clear STI test, started intense therapy with a very no-nonsense yet warm French lady (which he’s agreed to pay for), had a wonderful day-cation with a friend at a hotel pool / spa for my 35th birthday yesterday, and got every penny back from selling that wedding dress.

The affair partner, living in the US where he has met her a grand total of 3 times for a handful of days, had no idea about me either so he’s lost it all.

Be grateful you don't have kids with him, you can move on and start a new life never needing to contact him and hopefully meet someone better for you.

I just could not believe it was The Script at the time because I had no idea how it was logistically possible. Or that he’d be remotely the type of man who’s that predictably pathetic as to be open to encounter with someone while acting so loving with me (pre Autumn because the nastiness properly emerged in the October, after his September work trip…)

I remember reading your thread at the time thinking it all sounded very much like something was going on and his mind was elsewhere. So sorry to hear he’s been unfaithful and serves him right he’s lost her as well! How did you find out ??

Also, to blow your life up for a majority pen pal relationship?! My flabbers were ghasted.

Yes I’m now incredibly thankful we did not have children.

Classic case of the idiot being sloppy and leaving his computer on while he popped out for an errand. It was like something tapped me on the shoulder and said to look.

He denied it, I started reading out the message thread then he was cornered.

So sorry. He’s an idiot.
People say MN is always quick to refer to ‘the script’ and say that people leave marriages without there being an OW/OM but they’re the unicorns here, they really are. Have never come across one man who left his marriage, or was contemplating leaving his marriage, who didn’t have an OW somewhere in the wings. They either left for OW, or having an OW interested in them had piqued their interest in following in different path.

The worst are the idiots who have a crush on some poor unsuspecting woman, blow up their marriage, then have the audacity to come crawling back to their wife after the other woman goes wtf?!

Sorry op. This

Yes, she knows.
So would you if you'd read all her posts.

So sorry this has happened to you but good luck with your new beginning. Xx