DH said he doesn’t know if he loves me anymore

[Cosyoats]

Have name changed, but long-time reader.

I am in my early mid 30s. I have been with my husband for three years and married for one. We moved abroad for his job at the start of the year and have been enjoying our time together here before trying for a family next year - or so I thought.

things have deteriorated between us during the summer. It came down to my husband not feeling as desired as he would like. I put my hands up to being a bit complacent, I was in the grips of getting to understand a new job and could have been much better in making us a priority. I really put in a lot of effort when he expressed his unhappiness and thought we were back on track. However, since the summer he has almost done a 180 on me he is no longer interested in any kind of affection outside of the bedroom, he has stopped initiating any kind of sexual contact (but quite happy to accept if I initiate), he also is reluctant to say ‘I love you’ in response to me saying it.

He went quiet and sulky for about a week, barely speaking to me and then wanted to talk. The long and short of the discussion is that he is unhappy in the relationship and doesn’t know if he can see past that unhappiness to know if he’s still ‘in love’ with me but loves and cares for me as a person. He said he’s committed to trying couples counselling but made a point of saying it might not work but he wants to give it a try.

To say I’m devastated is an understatement.

Luckily he went away for work a few days later so I’ve had some space to think and grieve a bit. Part of me wants to try the counselling but a bigger part of me feels like this a ‘softly softly’ exit on his part so he doesn’t look like the bad guy.

I’ve started MN protocol of getting ducks in a row in any case and have shared what’s going on with close friends (both at home and in the new country I’m living in) and family who have been tremendously supportive.

Not sure what I’m asking for, third-party thoughts and wisdom? I truly thought he was my life partner. Even when he’s being an arsehole of epic proportions, I know I’m still ‘in love’ with him.

Just heartbroken and trying to stay upbeat / doing nice things for me.

100% there’s another woman! So sorry OP! It gets better in time although it won’t feel like that right now.

it’s the script.
it’s textbook. there is another woman. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. don’t tell him you know, get your ducks in a row first, move fast. It happened to me too, same script after more than 20 years together.

I am in a similar situation, except I am the one who is unhappy (I am not cheating), there is no one else but I just cant take feeling so alone whilst being in a relationship. I will say I think it takes more than just a summer to feel this way but everyone has a different limit.

I will say this in counselling, there is always the person trying to save an already ended relationship and the other person is just waiting for the other to give up.

Sorry its not your fauult but I wouldnt waste your time with counseling

I was with my ex husband for 11 years; married for 4, before he one day casually told me he didn’t love me anymore.

It had been coming for probably about a year, in hindsight, and was a few years ago now. But - I remember the gut wrenching devastation like it was yesterday. I was absolutely devastated, and I’m sure you are too.

I’m just here to tell you it gets better. My firm advice would be to LTB, and I don’t say that lightly. I would never be with anyone who wasn’t sure about me or about us. All in, or all out, IMO.

Leaving my ex is the best thing I’ve ever done for myself. I’m happily engaged to remarry, have a lovely grown up, sensible relationship that everyone is sure about, and am in a far better place.

Coincidentally ex husband did also tell me he “couldn’t wait to trade me in for a younger model” and then miraculously found someone 10 years younger than me (14 younger than him) a month after we separated. Make of that what you will.

My ex told me he didn`t love me yep he was cheating.

He has shown you who he is, believe him and leave

You’re 34 yrs and you want children . Don’t waste anymore of your time on him . He’s not for you . If you have children with him you will end up a single parent . Your choice . Come back home , move in with family for now and looo for a future partner. Or you could try n work things out with him (he’s not worth it) and waste years of solely trying at your marriage and you’ll end up 36 and single ! My friend was 37 when she first met her now husband , and had a child at 40 yrs . There’s time , but act now x

Almost the exact same scenario happened to me and he was cheating. Of course he completely denied it until he was blue in the face and made out I was insane to even think it. I eventually got the proof a few months later though

Just end it now, don’t drag it out, life is too short. I know it’s painful but you will feel better for taking control of the situation.

I’d say just don’t waste any more time on him. Your instincts are all correct. He doesn’t deserve you.

The question is, can you love a man who can be so cruel? I couldn’t. If my husband said this to me that would be it. Divorce him, start again. At least you don’t have kids.

Thank goodness this happened before children. You will find someone so much better than this to start a family with.

I always find the is he cheating or not fairly secondary. For me the key point is does he want out of the relationship, and I suspect your gut is right, it is over and he wants it to end. Once that decision is made there is no going back. So I personally would walk now. I’m sorry op.

Do you want him OP?

There is absolutely time but you will need to be decisive. I’m sorry

So you upped your life and moved abroad foe his job and then when you needed him to step up while you were getting to grips woth a new job in a new cpuntdy, you are the bad guy ?? Does that seem right to you as it doesnt with me.

Agreed re other woman however "he hasnt had his head turned" he turned his head.

Find your anger

I had this scenario. Divorced, devastated and childless at 38.

Then I met a much better one and had a baby at 42. Still happily married decades on.

Sorry this has happened. It’s just awful but you will get through

I fully agree with this - but it's much easier to be logical from a distance than when you're the one standing in the debris of your plans, hopes and promises. It's natural to want a reason - and the reason is almost always a third person - but, ultimately, no reason is necessary.

What you have is a man who thinks he cares about you but isn't "in love" with you; a man with vestigial interest in you as a person and sexually; a partner who readily finds fault with you, who is turning your home life into an emotional desert punctuated by stress and annoyance.

Would you choose such a man? Well, no. It's sad that this is not the person you wanted when you married him, but damn: it's the person you ended up married to. Best get out of that as swiftly and neatly as possible.

So sorry OP he's obvs checked out and wants or has someone else. Don't waste your time, I know you're hurting massively but you've already said he can be a massive arsehole so you deserve much better.

Poor you. I think for once in this situation it doesn't actually matter if there is another woman or not. He's checked out and is being critical and cold towards you. You can't and must not have children with this man. Having children is wonderful but really tough, you won't have time to give him attention or hardly even look at him for months. It shakes even rock solid relationships. Make the decision today to leave him. Get a solicitor and a therapist (your own not couples). This isn't your life. You have time to find someone lovely who will look after you and your kids.

“I love you but I’m not in love with you” is such a cop out. A desperate attempt not to be the the bad guy.

Text book script OP. He's checked out and is finding fault with you or overreacting to things you have 'done wrong.' Probably in the hope you will end it so that he looks like the good guy. He's cheated or is planning to. Has there been mentionitis about anyone at work or does he guard his phone fiercely? Even if not you deserve better.
Keep your dignity and end things, go home and file for divorce. Life's to short to spend on someone who treats you with no care or respect.

I also have inconsistent start & finishing times with work which I don’t always share with him. So might leave late or come back home early. I don’t think he’s doing anything here. I’m half-certain he’s messaging other people and maybe going on dates while away for work back in the UK or in the US.

Have booked a free consultation with a solicitor this afternoon to get some financial bits worked out and drafted in writing.

An unoriginal storyline but I have left myself vulnerable re: money and he has drained all my savings as I had to repeatedly bail us out when he gambled away his entire salary. When we briefly discussed the other day what splitting would look like he said he’d said he’d pay me back and clear up the credit card debt he put me in (I know, I know, I was an idiot desperately love and have learned a very hard lesson). He also offered to pay for me to relocate home to the UK and a year’s rent somewhere. As much as I find it insulting that he’ll be the ‘good guy’ in splitting up but would make comments about me buying shampoo & conditioner without asking for permission to spend on the joint card as his wife, my mum quite rightly said to use his guilt-generosity.

Thank you for all your kind words and stories of encouragement. It’s really helping today xx

He could have met someone else or he could just be being totally self absorbed and taking you for granted.

He sounds awful though. I would split up with him regardless of what he is up to.

He's either cheating on you or wants to.
He's not the right man for you - divorce and find one who loves you.