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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Difficult Husband

78 replies

BeLimeUser · 09/11/2025 15:44

Been with my o/h for 6 years now. In the last 4 years husbands health has gotten really bad. Constant hospital stays with most being serious enough for intensive care stays. Husband is diabetic and through complications does not get an erection or any feeling in his penis. For him this is a big issue and i understand this. We do have toys we use so we do have some sex life. Our problem is my husband would have it every night if he could. If i say no that wont be the end of it and untill i fall asleep he will push for it several more times. Even waking me during the night to ask for it. But for me after caring for him and my 13 year old autistic daughter who doesnt attend school anymore so im home schooling, still doing all the usual things the home needs because he does nothing, no cooking cleaning or even just going to the shop, the last thing i want to do is have sex. He sees this is a big problem and often gets quite huffy and nasty. Lost count how many times ive been told im weird because i ask him to stop bloody touching me after hes been doing it all day.Im not on overly touchy feely person but hes like an octopus 24 hours a day. For the last year and a half hes changed so much to the point that sex is all he talks about even in front of the kids which understandably makes them uncomfortable. Every time i try to bring any of it up he turns it on me and its all my fault that he doesnt get anything from sex its my fault im not likes his ex's who didnt mind being touched all the time. Some days i feel like im going mad and it is me thats the problem. His thinking of a wife is shes there to be used and touched whenever he feels like it. My feelings and views to him are just me being difficult and trying to control him. He has now suggested we each find someone else to have sex with to see what it is like. Ive explained to him so many ways and times this isnt something i want but as usual he just talks over me and disregards how i feel. Anyone else with a difficult husband? /

OP posts:
CelerySticker · 09/11/2025 15:51

He sounds incredibly thoughtless and selfish, which is a much bigger problem than the sex/lack of sex. I don't understand this bit - if he can't get an erection and has no feeling in his penis, what does he get from it?

Rocknrollstar · 09/11/2025 15:54

Are you sure he hasn’t got the beginnings of dementia? An obsession with sex is often one of the symptoms.

GingerPaste · 09/11/2025 15:55

Well, I’m sorry to say he sounds like a millstone around your neck. Presumably you’re getting something from this relationship (it’s not clear what, though).

Didkyle · 09/11/2025 15:55

This honestly made me feel nauseous

the thought your poor children hear this…. Bloody hell that’s dark

Didkyle · 09/11/2025 15:56

I am going to guess he has a shit diet, makes no attempt to look after himself, doesn’t work and reliant on benefits

CherryBlossom321 · 09/11/2025 15:58

Read about sexual coercion. You are not the problem.

Davros · 09/11/2025 16:04

Is he taking any medication that causes hyper sexualisation or, I agree, the beginning of some sort of dementia/psychosis? My DH was like this, it was souls destroying and affected by both those causes

BeLimeUser · 09/11/2025 16:05

Hes on a diet that suits all his medical needs. He doesnt work as hes partially sighted a leg amputee and recently had a kidney transplant. Hes worked all his life untill 3 years ago when he lost his leg in a motorbike accident. He doesnt claim benefits as he has enough income to live off. Dont just assume

OP posts:
TheSandgroper · 09/11/2025 16:06

If you think that the talking about it in front of his young daughter might mean a loss of inhibition, I would be straight to the gp. And I would be refused to be fobbed off. If he is waking you through the night, might this be a form of sundowning?

And I would make strong moves to keep daughter/children and father separated. This will be causing deep damage because it is so wrong. I know you won’t like to hear what I will say but also call social services and ask for help with this. Talk to her teacher, too, and the sendco. I would get this written down in as many places as possible.

BeLimeUser · 09/11/2025 16:07

Davros · 09/11/2025 16:04

Is he taking any medication that causes hyper sexualisation or, I agree, the beginning of some sort of dementia/psychosis? My DH was like this, it was souls destroying and affected by both those causes

Thats something i will need to look into. He on a whole host of medication now for a number of health issues including a recent kidney transplant.

OP posts:
BeLimeUser · 09/11/2025 16:08

CelerySticker · 09/11/2025 15:51

He sounds incredibly thoughtless and selfish, which is a much bigger problem than the sex/lack of sex. I don't understand this bit - if he can't get an erection and has no feeling in his penis, what does he get from it?

When i ask he says its his fave thing to do. But if he isnt getting any feeling i cant see how it can be a fave thing.

OP posts:
Gottocopebymyself · 09/11/2025 16:10

I'm related to someone fairly recently diagnosed as Type1 diabetic. So I have a bit of knowledge about diabetes. And I understand a bit about it's impact on people's lives.
But. Your H appears to be using his health condition to excuse unacceptable behaviour.
He shouldn't be talking about sex infront of your children. He shouldn't be pestering you for sex you don't want. He should be shouldering his share of the work needed to maintain your home.

Honestly OP you need to tell him this behaviour is unacceptable. His health problems don't excuse it. And if he won't change you need to make a decision about whether you want to put up with his awful behaviour..

crazeekat · 09/11/2025 16:10

Honestly illness or no illness this is not on. He does not respect u.

Didkyle · 09/11/2025 16:11

BeLimeUser · 09/11/2025 16:05

Hes on a diet that suits all his medical needs. He doesnt work as hes partially sighted a leg amputee and recently had a kidney transplant. Hes worked all his life untill 3 years ago when he lost his leg in a motorbike accident. He doesnt claim benefits as he has enough income to live off. Dont just assume

What money does he have if he doesn’t work and doesn’t claim benefits

and your husband sounds utterly utterly dire so hell yes I’ll make assumptions

MrsSkylerWhite · 09/11/2025 16:12

Honestly, ill as he sounds, I’m astonished he has the stamina. Not being sarky! My husband is a diabetic, kidney patient with various other issues and your OP genuinely surprised me.

Whereismyfleeceblanket · 09/11/2025 16:12

Tell him to fuck off and stop being a sex pest...
Talking in a sexual manner in front of dc is actually abuse.

BeLimeUser · 09/11/2025 16:14

Didkyle · 09/11/2025 15:56

I am going to guess he has a shit diet, makes no attempt to look after himself, doesn’t work and reliant on benefits

Actually hes on a diet that suits all his medical needs. He looks after himself. Doenst work due to being partially sighted and loosing his leg in an accident a few years ago. Doesnt get any benefits at all as he has enough income to keep him comfortable. Dont just assume before finding out all the facts

OP posts:
Starlight7080 · 09/11/2025 16:14

Is he the father to your children ?
Its abusive towards them if he is discussing sex in front of them . Especially in front of your vulnerable asd child.

Didkyle · 09/11/2025 16:15

BeLimeUser · 09/11/2025 16:14

Actually hes on a diet that suits all his medical needs. He looks after himself. Doenst work due to being partially sighted and loosing his leg in an accident a few years ago. Doesnt get any benefits at all as he has enough income to keep him comfortable. Dont just assume before finding out all the facts

Can’t believe you’re now sticking up for him
I mean…. He sounds truly grotesque

so much be compensation he’s living off 🤷‍♀️

Starlight7080 · 09/11/2025 16:15

If my dh did any of this . Especially in front of my children he would be out of the house. And told to get help.

Didkyle · 09/11/2025 16:15

Starlight7080 · 09/11/2025 16:14

Is he the father to your children ?
Its abusive towards them if he is discussing sex in front of them . Especially in front of your vulnerable asd child.

That’s a good question

Didkyle · 09/11/2025 16:16

Do you have daughters op?

BeLimeUser · 09/11/2025 16:17

Didkyle · 09/11/2025 16:11

What money does he have if he doesn’t work and doesn’t claim benefits

and your husband sounds utterly utterly dire so hell yes I’ll make assumptions

Im not sure what business it is of yours what money he has. I didnt come on here to discuss what and where out money comes from. I come on for a little support and advice

OP posts:
BeLimeUser · 09/11/2025 16:20

Didkyle · 09/11/2025 16:15

Can’t believe you’re now sticking up for him
I mean…. He sounds truly grotesque

so much be compensation he’s living off 🤷‍♀️

Im not stickig up for him at all i just dont see what business it is of yours where his money comes from. He actually had a business and several properties before the accident and yes he got some compensation but bulk of his income is from before the accident

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 09/11/2025 16:20

He's abusive in pestering you for sex in front of your kids.

It could be the beginnings of dementia, it sounds like he's losing any sexual inhibitions.

You have a vulnerable 13 year old daughter that you're home schooling and he's pestering you for sex and all over you in front of her.

I would get the hell out. With his sexual disinhibition, I'd be extremely worried about your kids and especially daughters being around him.