Women who earn more than their partners — how does it actually feel day to day?

[WriterWithQuestions]

This might be a bit personal, but I’m curious about how people experience this dynamic in real life.

I recently found myself in a situation where my partner earns quite a bit more than me — and it made me unexpectedly uncomfortable.

If you’re the higher earner in your relationship, how does it feel for you? Has it affected things between you — practically, emotionally, or not at all?

(No agenda — just genuinely interested in how others see it. I’m exploring the topic more widely and want to make sure I’m not projecting my own experience onto everyone else!)

Gen X/Boomer women were still subject to major systemic disadvantages in the workplace. That limited the opportunity for high earnings for many of them but it was commoner than you may think. Bear in mind also, a lot of higher earning women didn’t shout about it.

Girls have out performed boys at school pretty much since schools were no longer allowed to give more eleven plus places to boys (who knew there was an upside to be socialised to compliance) but that doesn’t mean they earn more in the workplace. In much the same way you see WC white boys under performing compared to their black peers but by mid 20s they are out earning those better performing black peers.

I am on the Gen X/Boomer boundary and always out earned DH. He used to laugh at people who asked him if it bothered him and ask if their wives were happy at being out earned.

It does make sense to make a choice for the unit when you are a team. It's a lot easier to do when you have the income to walk away anyway if needed, and are legally protected (marriage).

Back in the day, my grandmother - who was born towards the very end of the nineteenth century! - out-earned her husband all through their marriage, and my grandfather was apparently completely fine with it.

I accept that she was probably an outlier for her generation!

The higher earner is not ‘protected by marriage’ though. Marriage puts their pre-marriage wealth at risk. Albeit their higher salary becomes their own post-divorce and they no longer have to share it with a lower earner spouse (CMS aside) which is somewhat of an offset to losing half their assets.

I think this quite an interesting side effect of women becoming the higher earners now, the if they are involved in divorce, they might be the one that ends up on the 30% side of the 70/30 or even having to pay CMS to a male partner

@Swiftasthewind In London it’s perfectly possible for a women to earn £200,000 and the man half that. They are not a wastrel! They are doing very well but in a less well paid career!

If it weren’t for the fact I would have to marry DP to stay in the country longterm (the joys of being an expat on a visa…), I would definitely not get married. I see no benefit whatsoever of marriage as a high earning, self sufficient woman. Funnily enough, now the choice has been taken away somewhat, I’ve warmed to the idea of marriage - but in a romantic rather than financial sense.

Makes no difference, I just have more money to spend on stuff I want!

@Crushed23 As many men earn more than women as women look after dc, it’s probably just as well men do get married or many women would find themselves significantly worse off after divorce or separation. For them, being married matters. For high earning men, maybe not. Women now think the same and want to keep what’s theirs. Money changes the attitude of who earns it. They want to keep it!

When I got divorced I had to pay exh. Even though he had done fuck all around the house and I had worked FT and done all the kids stuff and emotional hard lifting. It grated believe me!

I don’t see the problem with that, I see a huge problem in women not being financially secure themselves and relying on others to support them. ( and same with men wanting to be supported by someone else!)

Feels pretty much the same as when I earned no money
It's all one joint pot for us, who actually makes it has never made any difference.

I've earned more than both my (now ex) husband and my current partner. I far prefer it. The idea of depending on someone else for money makes me feel incredibly anxious.

I would hate to be the lower earner: I would hate the lack of control and the feeling of dependency and I'm really glad in many ways that my career has been the most important in both relationships as there's never been any question of it having to be marginalised.

That said, it does depend on having a partner who respects this. My ex was basically a cocklodger and expected me to earn all the money and do all the childcare and domestic work while he pretended to be starting his own business (but actually mainly getting pissed). My now partner earns about a third of what I do but he is very sensible with money, pulls his weight at home and doesn't expect to be allowed to opt out of domestic work.

So I'd say it can be brilliant but you need to watch the boundaries.

We have a company together. All the money goes into the company, and we then draw joint earnings from it into a joint account. I have a higher hourly rate, so I earn more of the money going in, but it makes no difference day to day.

This is such a weird attitude.

If he needs to earn at least 30k more than you, aren't you the pathetic wastrel he's carrying?!

It feels absolutely fine, and like I am doing my bit to put back in the family pot after I had extended maternity leave earning 0p.

@MellowPinkDeer Women still earn less than men. It’s the case that women who have children do take maternity leave and don’t always get the same opportunities. They often don’t want or get the best paid work either even with the same qualifications. It seems odd to me that high earning women turn into the “I, My, Me and Mine” type of person like the worst men.

I've been married 20 years and have always been the higher earner by a significant amount. I don't think anything of it, it's just what I'm used to.

I think you need to examine why you feel this way. Did earning more make you feel like you were the dominant partner? It seems to me that men who are threatened when their partner earns more are men who used their higher salary to exert control or feel like the person in charge in their relationships.

When my salary rose above my husband's, he was delighted for me, for us and for our family. Then life carried on as normal, with a few more luxuries.

Well no it’s not the same. As a woman I already offer at least £30k value on top of what I earn by dint of being more mature, empathic, diligent and by being trained at birth to be competent at housework. What exactly does a man bring to the table outside his wage?

I had two maternity leaves, was a single parent and still managed it. Children are only an excuse if you make them one!

Lol. Funny jokes.

Oi, I’ve always been all about “I, me, mine” regardless of my salary, thanks very much!

@MellowPinkDeer Making it in what career though?

If you earn a lot, a nanny obviously keeps everything in your career ticking over. If you don’t earn enough for that, you have nursery fees and still need a lot of money for 2 dc. What about late and early working? Frequently my DD leaves home at 6.30 am. Frequently late home. Who can push forward in their career with those hours if on their own? Of course dc and the job matter. Money helps smooth it out.

On lower earnings, many women have to reduce hours worked. I’ve seen many teachers and doctors do this. So they don’t progress as quickly as the men. Dc aren’t an excuse - they have needs. Not all dc are easily left while parent(s) work either.

Also some women work from home and can make time for school etc. Others don’t have that luxury. Stats will tell you women, overall, earn less.

I’m a senior manager. Kids are secondary school now. I’ve never had a nanny. I used a nursery and then breakfast and after school clubs. Now ( since covid) I only office once or twice a week. It’s really not that hard.