Women who earn more than their partners — how does it actually feel day to day?

[WriterWithQuestions]

This might be a bit personal, but I’m curious about how people experience this dynamic in real life.

I recently found myself in a situation where my partner earns quite a bit more than me — and it made me unexpectedly uncomfortable.

If you’re the higher earner in your relationship, how does it feel for you? Has it affected things between you — practically, emotionally, or not at all?

(No agenda — just genuinely interested in how others see it. I’m exploring the topic more widely and want to make sure I’m not projecting my own experience onto everyone else!)

In the early days he earned more than me. Now I earn about many times what he does. Day to day it makes no difference. It is our money. He never made an issue of him having more assets and more spending power. I don't make an issue of it either.

I don't really feel the pressure as we wouldn't starve if I lost my job.

But when we've had rocky patches where he's not been pulling his weight, and it is killing me trying to carry everything at home as well as working far longer hours, it does change the dynamic a bit. Because I calmly point out that this relationship is not compulsory, and if he cannot treat me with respect then the kids and I will be very comfortable without him. It will effect him more than it effects me.

I'm not proud of it necessarily, I genuinely begrudge him earning less, and I don't want him to feel bad about it. But if I'm surviving on 4 or 5 hours sleep a night, and he can't clean up after himself and isn't doing anywhere near 50%, then I don't need to tolerate that.

I admit it is nice knowing I'm not trapped. Although I felt that way when we both earned equally well too, so I think it is more the comfort of knowing I'm self-sufficient rather than that I earn more.

We don’t live together. I earn 4 times what my partner does. It doesn’t ‘feel’ like anything really; I just pay for more fun things than he does. If he runs out of money, I’ll periodically give him some of mine or I make sure I pay for more. I don’t see it as a big deal. His job is way more socially useful than mine. Mine just pays better (and I work longer hours). There’s no pressure for me to pay for more and we both pay for our own living costs.

Thank you for your comment. V interesting insight.

I hope you don't mind me painting a broader social picture.
Generally men have out-earned women, quite greatly so. However, there's been a lot of research on the wage gap lately and there have been some fascinating insights.

Both single and married women earn significantly less than married men.
Single men earn significantly less than married men.
Married women have the least earning potential of all groups.

Why are these number important - and why should they be important to you?
Because of the meaning behind them. It means that men don't automatically earn more than women just because they happen to be male. It means that men who are married get to benefit from having a partner who will take over so many tasks that these men can advance in their careers without anything holding them back. Much more so than unmarried men, who are still having to clean their own appartments, file their taxes, remember their mums birthday, plan their social calendar, etc.
Being male doesn't lift your earning potential. Having someone at home doing unpaid labour for you, does.

In ideal situations, this is not a one way street. Generally speaking in happy household the spouse who provides this free labour gets to benefit from the higher income of her partner, and gets gratitude and recognition and acknowledgement for her sacrifice. In a loving partnership, this could be a win-win. Now, tradiationally these roles have been clearly male-female. That's changing.
What isn't changing however is that women are still doing the vast majority of unpaid labour at home, even when they are the high earner...
and that's why you're uncomfortable

It's not because she earns more than you. It's because you probably have no idea how to get the balance back. You don't know what your role is if you're not the high earner. You don't know how to be valuable in this context. Which isn't odd, men haven't learned to function like this. They have no role models of successful women being carried by nurturing and supporting men.

If you are the low earner, there are so many ways to be valuable. And if you really take on that role, you can find so much satisfaction in knowing that you've helped your partner advance to where she is now.
I've been building my own business for years now, and I've spent a lot of late nights working to do so. Every payment I receive feels like a shared accomplishment though, because the only reason I could do that was because my husband was putting my children to bed, reading them stories and staying with them when they couldn't sleep.

This is a great post.

The reason DP has zero qualms about earning significantly less than me is that he supports me in SO MANY ways. Often completely independently (no nagging required).

Providing financially is not the only way to support a woman. @WriterWithQuestionsare you doing everything you can in the home to support your wife?

I think @Hbosh has made a great point there. I'd also add that it's quite natural for one job to be significantly more stressful than the other so expecting that person to have the same amount of capacity for family stuff won't work.

I do disagree about the impact of being male on earning potential though. In my experience, a lot of the senior levels pick people below them who they believe have potential by, probably unconsciously, looking for a younger version of themselves. When the senior level tends to be male you can guess the outcome.

I wouldn’t look twice at a man who didn’t earn at the very least £30k more than me, I can’t imagine how pathetic it must feel to carry a wastrel in a relationship. We certainly don’t keep them around for their personalities or their looks, why else would you not shackle yourself to a man other than for the prospect of greater wealth?

You make a relationship sound like a competition not a partnership

^^ I bet men who earn £30k more don’t look twice at you either

This has to be humour. Somehow.

Ha you wish! I am one hell of a catch. Any man would be lucky to have me, they just would have to be able to deal with my incredible boss energy 💪

Mumsnet is full of people who think our ideas about gender roles - like who should earn more- were created by and are still entirely perpetuated by men. I also bought into this world view. This dynamic grew over the harsh course of human history for complex reasons and even though we like to think we have moved past it, it is natural that many of us (outside of mumsnet) have been influenced by it. My advice would be to have a truly open conversation about all this, explain how you feel and be truly ready for your OH to say how she feels without being judgemental about her feelings. It is so important to deal with this now and and not sweep it under the carpet if there is a fundamental disconnect between you. I am not suggesting there will be a problem here- just talk about it! All the best

I've always earned more, or occasionally the same, as dh. Currently about ten grand more. Teacher with responsibility. No real or time to go further up the ladder, although I would if I had to.
Chores have always been split, but my job is up and down. Xmas term is mock term, so currently I'm doing v little around the house, as I'm working working working. When I'm off, I'll pick up the slack. Did always feel v unfair when dc were small and always wanted me though.

Over the years it has varied who has earned more. For a time we earned exactly the same . Now I am the higher earner .
Its always felt exactly the same .
All goes in the pot .
We are married that’s how it works .
36 years in think I can say it does work …. For us.

Independent woman

I am a woman in my late 30's and I have always taken care of myself since a young age.
Although I was in a long term relationship, that relationship did not really move forward. This suited me as I kept my individuality and independence.
I am now in a new relatioship which is moving forward and I fear that soon enough I would be asked to move in together.
I am scared because I fear I will loose who I am and the safety of having my own space, and the ability to walk out at anytime.

How can I overcome this fear? And do you think the fear means he is not the ONE?

Thank you for taking the time to craft such a thoughtful comment. The point around roles is a struggle. Also the lack of role models. I was having a conversation yesterday about how the millennial generation are the first to experience this dynamic at any kind of scale and are effectively having to make it up as we go along.

The easiest way to answer your question @Crushed23 is with a couple of comments she regularly hits me with: 'I didn't know there were men like you' and 'thank you for choosing me'.

And still I'm anxious about the financial dynamic.

I completely agree. I am an over-sharer / communicator about pretty much everything. It's the only way I see things working for the long haul.

Today, her job is definitely a lot more taxing than mine. This wasn't always the case.

We are both high earners with senior roles. Mine is actually more senior than hers. The financial potential is just not the same because of industries.

I'm torn between taking on a bigger job - more money, more stress etc. - and continuing where I am which is more comfortable and gives me the headspace to explore side projects - where I am undoubtably going to be able to provide more emotional support.

I think the 2nd option is better for the unit. But it feels weird making career decisions for the benefit of the unit rather than myself.

I wonder if any of that makes sense?

@WriterWithQuestions My DD earns around double that of her partner. They intend to marry. From what I’ve observed they have a relaxed view. DD is self employed and should she have a baby in the future, her earnings would be £0 for a bit with no maternity pay. So his money is going to be valuable. As DDs hours are somewhat unpredictable, there’s a great need for his steady payslip! I also understand he’s a great cook and there’s a meal waiting when DD is late back, without fail. So it’s not all about money. Be kind and thoughtful and you will be valued for more than money!

When I was earning and DH had his own business, he earned 10 times more than me! It’s just a case of getting used to it!

This made me chuckle. Thank you for your honesty.

I'm Gen X and it really isn't that unusual for women of my generation to earn more than their partners.

Millennials certainly aren't the first to "experience this dynamic" and I'm not sure about the relevance of it being "at scale". Surely if it's more common than it used to be, that just further normalises it?

I wouldn’t say a competition but I’m definitely not an “all money in one pot, we’re a team and two halves of one being” type. Being an individual and retaining independence and autonomy is a higher priority to me than my relationship. The relationship is more like an added bonus to my life that an integral part of it.

I would disagree with that and say it is / was unusual for Gen X to women to out earn partners - but certainly not now with Gen Z out performing men and school / university/ work etc - , get better entry level roles etc etc

More unusual than it is now, perhaps, but not that unusual either - certainly nothing to write home about. I have always earned more than my husband. My older sister has always earned more than her husband. We both have friends in similar set-ups. I also knew a handful of SAHDs when dd was little.