Women who earn more than their partners — how does it actually feel day to day?

[WriterWithQuestions]

This might be a bit personal, but I’m curious about how people experience this dynamic in real life.

I recently found myself in a situation where my partner earns quite a bit more than me — and it made me unexpectedly uncomfortable.

If you’re the higher earner in your relationship, how does it feel for you? Has it affected things between you — practically, emotionally, or not at all?

(No agenda — just genuinely interested in how others see it. I’m exploring the topic more widely and want to make sure I’m not projecting my own experience onto everyone else!)

I'm the higher earner but work part time so it's more equal.

It means feel no pressure to be full time, even though the kids are now at school.

We have set life up to be fairly cheap. No expensive holidays, stayed in our mid terrace etc.

I did feel it a bit during pregnancy or maternity leave. Not going back to work wasn't an option for me. At the time I'd have quite liked it to be but the reality is those crazy years are short and I am reaping the rewards for it now so it was the right choice.

I earn a lot more than DH. We are both comfortable with the situation overall, though he occasionally feels bad that he doesn't contribute more and I sometimes feel that it's a lot of pressure on me - that was particularly tough when I was made redundant as a result of Brexit.

It is what it is, really. I do think it probably makes our relationship a bit more equal as we are less likely to fall into the traditional stereotypical roles.

I'm not convinced about no agenda.

I have always earned multiples more than DH. He's been a SAHD and now works part time in a low paid role around the children. It's fine. He struggled a bit in the beginning but I think 20 odd years later, and two children, it's irrelevant - as a partnership we both bring different things to the relationship.

But what's key I think is 1) DH is not lazy or entitled at all. He works bloody hard, albeit at lower pay, and is always up for more work 2) while I still bear the brunt of the mental load, he does more tan his fair share of all the actual physical labour at home. I'm not running around doing it all. 3) we both respet each other's work. He might earn less, but his job is important to him and doing well is important to him and I respect that.

The only consistent issue we have, albeit one that is slowly but surely changing, is the tendency of DH (and, in my experience, ALL men) to take the approach that HIS job is less flexible. I find that it doesn't matter whether the man works part time around school hours in Tesco or is an investment banker doing 80 hours a week in the City.... somehow, he can NEVER be the one who answers the call from the school, or cancel at short notice to look after a sick child, or adapt hours to meet the boiler man...... It's like this ONE aspect of male entitlement is still something he hasn't quite figured out how to drop! This last half term he actually proactively suggested HE take the leave to lok after the DC.... I nearly fainted in shock that he had thought about it, and had a plan! But see... progress is possible!

Not at all. It’s not the 1970s

I earn more than DH, i've always earned more but it became more apparent when he dropped to 16 hours following having DD.

It's never bothered me, but it did affect him for a while in terms of his own self esteem. I told him to get his head out of his arse and drop the ego (as well as encouraging him to get therapy and help for his anxiety) and its ok now. He (and I) recognise his contribution at home.

For me, it's stressful being the one responsible for our income. If I lost my job it would be bad financially.

I earn more than twice what DH does, it doesn’t have an impact on our daily lives. Probably helps that we have been together 20 years and I was a student with no job when I met him. We have varied at different points in our lives who has earned more. We share all our money, so everything is household income and we certainly don’t set any restrictions on who can spend what. My job is actually more flexible than his and I mostly wfh so I do most school runs etc. We couldn’t maintain anything like our current quality of life without either salary but DH’s just about covers the bills (and is a good salary, c£50k).

I always have been the main earner throughout our 20 year marriage, and for the past 16 years since our DS was born I have been the sole earner in the family. It just feels normal. He is the one always available for DS at a moment's notice, does things that need doing, he shops, cooks, fixes things etc. I am the one who works a lot, that's pretty much my defining characteristic! (he does do my tax accounts for me). Since DS went to school DH was able to use some of his time to build up expertise in what started out as a hobby, which he is now on the verge of turning into a lucrative business though. He will still need to work around DS's timetable though, as I am away quite a lot.

(Of course I am also the one who does the "admin" regarding DS though! Arranging activities, liaising with school, overseeing homework, booking medical appointments etc etc, normal mum stuff).

I think it probably depends on attitude and fairness. I earned more than triple my ex. But I also worked more hours, he had no interest in going full time. I did all the childcare/childcare arrangements, all the housework, and paid all the bills.

If I'm honest, it grates after 30 years. We both have the same level of education but I seem to have tried harder and developed a career while he opted for an easier life with less stress - even though I had maternity leave and then childcare to juggle. It was great in my 30s and 40s but now I'm in my 50s, it's still down to me to fund holidays, house improvements and support for aged parents. I'm not sure if I've been taken for a bit of a fool. Would he still be be with me if I wanted to go part time?

I earn more, by about £1000 per month. It all goes into one pot as for most of our careers we were earning very similar amounts, and it's all a team effort. We have a pretty even split of chores and childcare, but I do nearly all of the admin for the family. DH is a bit sensitive about it, he also doesn't like his job very much and I love mine, he can get a bit huffy about it so I just try not to bring it up!

Expensive.

I earned 3 times more. He spent every single cent he earned, had no savings, put 60 quid into his pension per month, and was in debt. I found out and divorced him and now he’s taken 55 percent of all matrimonial assets.

I've been both the bigger earner and the smaller earner, and honestly it didn't make any difference.

It's all 'our' money. Never spent any time who earned more of it.

I am an NHS manager. DH is a paramedic. I earn more, but he is more useful to the world. Everything is shared, I don't think either of us give it a second thought.

I used to earn more, now he does. We’ve always shared our money so it’s never been as issue and we have the same attitude to money. We work similar hours, have a cleaner, he does all the child admin, I do the financial admin, everything else is a pretty even split. It’s never been an issue who earns more as we are a team.

I have always out-earned my DH, and I will be honest and say there are times it has felt awkward, for one or both of us.

The disparity and his financial commitments (he has children from a previous marriage) were such that it just wasn't possible for us to even have a joint account unless we were both going to go all in together on everything as he just wouldn't have had anything left over for himself, so as a result everything is quite disjointed. There are many things we just could never have done if it weren't for me taking on a greater amount of the expense, including pretty basic UK holidays, and even having somewhere to live together.

He was in a vastly underpaid job with flexibility but no payrises/bonuses, and I get a basic payrise every year plus bonus, so I always found that an awkward conversation, as something which should have been celebrated just made him feel bad about himself (even though he always congratulated me).

Luckily, circumstances have conspired and he is about to start a new better-paid job, and while it still pays less than mine it will give him a lot more disposable income and hopefully allow us to pay for things a little more jointly, which I think will feel better for both of us.

When I was the breadwinner, I liked it tbh. Dh was at home full time. I liked the priority given to my job - that if I needed to work late I could, that I wasn’t the default parent or housekeeper. I liked progressing at work.

If I’m honest, I didn’t like having to eat whatever Dh felt like cooking, but I did of course. I also couldn’t help noticing that there were huge limits to what Dh thought was a reasonable amount of housework and child development stuff.

I am a tourist on this thread, viewing it with interested curiosity.

My DH is a very high earner (many times my salary) and we are in a very fortunate financial position. I work in a sector which is socially useful but pays badly. I am qualified to the hilt and reached a high position in my own field but it would be almost impossible for me to ever out-earn him, short of a lottery win!
We have been together 30+ years, since we were in education, so it’s not as if I picked out a high earner on purpose!

My perceived lack of financial contribution was a huge issue in our marriage for years unfortunately. But funnily enough, he now earns enough that he doesn’t seem to care anymore and I have stopped worrying about it because I literally cannot tip the scales in the other direction. He is very generous to me these days and I do what I can in return!

The only thing I would say to any higher earning spouse is just to bear in mind how it might feel if the position was reversed.

I earn quite a lot more. Double before tax, but the difference is less after tax. In a lot of ways I like it. I feel very secure and although we're happily married it's nice that feels like a free choice, if we separated I would be absolutely fine. I also feel proud of myself as it's a bit against the odds that I would end up the higher earner - I'm 14 years younger (we are both in professional careers) and have had 2 maternity leaves, had to cut back massively on evening business development for many years as had to get back from London to do nursery pick up.

Also husband is a spender and when he was the higher earner he'd always say we couldn't afford a holiday, a house, a baby etc. I knew it would always be like that unless I earned big.

On the whole it suits me fine. But there are occasional niggling resentments. They're a bit muddled but I'll try and outline them below.

Most of my male counterparts have done well partly because they've had a PT or SAHW supporting them and doing all the home and kid stuff. I've not had that - we do split the home stuff though I have always been the primary parent as well.

I pay for and organise most of our "treat" things like holidays (we have semi separate finances because we are a spender vs a saver) and it never occurs to him to contribute even proportionately. Sometimes I dream of being treated to a lovely short break all arranged for me but it won't ever happen. I feel a bit taken for granted.
He seems to feel that he never needs to treat me because I've got plenty of money and can treat myself whenever but it's not quite the same!

Also his job seems to have grown into ridiculous hours in the last couple of years yet he's reluctant to look for anything else as he's only got a few years until retirement. I've picked up more and more around the house and with the kids because I have more time and sometimes I can't help thinking it's my job that really funds our life, surely he should be supporting me a bit more; it feels a bit the wrong way round.

Those are smallish gripes though. I'm a very stoical personality so actually I'd probably hate someone trying to "look after me"!

It didn't make me feel any different than normal because i have always earned more than DH. But.
When we had children i felt very keenly that i was the main breadwinner, and i was in a job that was hugely stressful with long hours and i really really wanted to quit. But i had to stick it out a lot longer than i would have without a family to feed. (DH did work but earned half what i did, he is in a chronically underpaid profession)

I did say, at some points, that i felt like a 1950s husband, with all the pressure of earning and sometimes woke up in a blind panic that i might lose my job.

We share all of our finances so it makes no difference day to day. But I think it’s good for my confidence on some level.

I have been the lower earner, no earner (SAHM) and higher earner.

I didn't like not earning my own money - I felt weirdly vulnerable even though DH and I are solid and money has never been an issue between us.

I am the higher earner now and have been for past 8 years or so. I like it because I get to choose holidays and stuff and have more freedom on what we do and what I do for myself too. DH is always very laid back about the situation - I know he really likes not having the stress of a high paid role. He is also very relaxed about going away, holidays and purchases for the home and is happy to me to take the lead - I don't think this would happen, in terms of me having all the choice, if I was the lower or no earner.

I pay for our daughter's private school fees, holidays, clubs and nearly all of her pocket money or day to day expenses. I funded most of the same for her older brother when he lived at home. Their father (we are divorced) pays very little except the bare minimum in child maintenance. He has a middle management job, and I run a business (also have assets) that brings home a lot more money. He is financially incontinent and has an easy come, easy go attitude to money. His spare funds are all in bitcoin, rather than investing in his kids future and it drives me wild sometimes. He pleads poverty while being on a low mortgage, going abroad a few times per year and always has money for takeaway food or drooling over the latest car he wants. His attitude to money was one reason I divorced him. He dreams of the day I will marry him again so he gets to access my higher income and assets. Never happening. I lost respect for him a long time ago. I can imagine how frustrating it must be for married or cohabiting couples in this situation if they don't work together with the finances, and get on the same page. I don't think it matters if one person earns more than the other, and that is the reality in most households. I don't think it matters if a woman or man earns more than a man they are in a relationship with. I think it matters how that disparity is handled within households that counts. If two people have different views and priorities then it can be a huge stew pot for resentment.

I feel like this. Some of my friends who earn less feel they pick up more home/child slack. I am the one who works very slightly part time to accommodate pick ups on a couple of days a week. It means I don’t feel guilty about working away sometimes or not being able to do everything. I earn well over twice as much and we have the lifestyle we do due to my earnings.

I feel overstretched and resentful. He feels disempowered and like a failure. It's not great. It's normalised a power imbalance in the relationship which has exacerbated the issue - he's used to contributing less so has stopped trying (lost his job last year, and only got a stopgap one a couple of weeks ago when I put my foot down on the apathy), and I'm used to contributing more so am making unilateral decisions and taking everything on myself and getting overwhelmed). If it wasn't for the asset split issue of being married we'd be over.