Can you have a lasting relationship where one of you no longer wants sex?

[TomColton]

My partner & I are in our early fifties. My partner no longer wants sex with me. (We have tried many different approaches to dealing with this over the years, but it's now terminal.) We have two children, 11 and 13, & I would much rather not disrupt the household by splitting up. So I'm prepared to accept a relationship without any more intimacy, but is that manageable long term? How do other people deal with this situation?

I don't know whether my partner is interested in other people. I'm realistic enough to know that no one else is going to be interested in me at this point in my life. Unfortunately I'm burdened with quite a high sex drive, but while that's difficult, I'm prepared to accept that part of my life is over. Presumably as people age this situation isn't unusual, even if 50ish seems a bit earlier than I'd expected!

You say you don't know if he's interested in having sex with anyone else , then ask him !
Surely you can speak to him about it and find out why ? Perhaps he's on medication that's caused ed or he has a lack of testosterone and needs a blood test to check his levels . Get proactive to find out the details .
If he just doesn't want sex any longer ( with anyone ) how does he feel about you having a fwb if you are saying you have a high sex drive ?
He can also give you a sex life without him having actual piv , Would that fulfil you ?
You can still have orgasms with toys you don't need to stop because he has .

Editing to add I've presumed genders but this works whatever your gender / partners gender .

I'm realistic enough to know that no one else is going to be interested in me at this point in my life.

Think again! This belief is the result of the negative effect on your self esteem of your husband not wanting sex with you. In reality, create a profile on a hook up site and make it clear you're looking for FWB/NSA and you'll have a queue of men applying for the position.

I'm mid 50s and trust me your sex life is far from over!

It really depends on why they don’t want to have sex with you anymore. Are they just not interested at all, lost libido? Or just bored and complacent? The why of it matters. The first is possibly doable if you can come to terms with it and everything else is still good. If it’s the second, then it’s only a matter of time before their head is likely turned.

Lots if people live that way. For the same reasons you chose to stay.
Up to you what you chose to do - but there are plenty of women who would want to have sex with a 50+ man. Or a relationship - if they is what you wanted. Decent men who want committed relationships are hard to find on dating apps.

Agree with a poster above - set up a profile on Feeld, ir Tinder - etc Or a ‘married dating site’. Be discreet and respectful.
Or - if you think your W would agree to an open marriage - talk to her.
But mostly - i think it’s hard for people
to be openminded.

"I'm realistic enough to know that no one else is going to be interested in me at this point in my life."

Behave! Being attractive doesn't have an age limit. Look at Helen Mirren, with wrinkles and white hair, still rocking it at 80!

Thank you for all the responses. To be clear: I am male, my partner female, if that makes a difference. We've exhausted all options on making the sex work again. It's no one's fault: it's simply one person no longer interested in the other. Which is a shame because I'm still very interested in her! (But no wish to try to persuade her to do anything she doesn't want to do. Nor am I interested in trying to find someone else.) It's difficult sharing a life (& in particular a bed) with someone in that situation. I just wondered how other people dealt with it.

I was in a sexless relationship (with other serious red flags/emotional abuse too) for 20 years and it created a severe crisis in confidence, so I'm not surprised you think no one else will be interested in you. I discovered within weeks of ending that dysfunctional relationship (in my late 40s) that this was nonsense. I have a very active sex life, and get plenty of attention. Please don't write yourself off because your husband has chosen to put an end to this part of his life!

partner, I should say male or female.

Would she agree to an open relationship ?

I met my now fiance when he was 53, and I was 47. Believe me I did and still do fancy him! I think you need some councelling and maybe do some things to make you feel better about yourself. Get a haircut, join a gym, take up cycling, get a hobby. A really good websight (depending on where you live) is meet up, which is clubs and events not dating. I used it loads when my marriage broke up and I still do 2 clubs from that time. Your life is far from over.

Id have to have a open relationship, if she disagrees then divorce.

If I was the suspicious type I would think that TomColton has mistaken MN for a hooking up site.

Are you prepared to tbh?

I couldn't do it personally. But it's very dependent on the individual and their needs. If you think you can cope, then give it a go.

What does she suggest given that she's taking a core aspect of intimacy off of the table?

The situation would eat me alive and eventually make me hate my partner.
I imagine never feeling desired by your partner eventually makes your self esteem hit rock bottom.
So it couldn't work for me.
If I HAD to stay in the marriage, I'd be sorting out an arrangement on the side, but I still think the situation would make me resent my partner so much, and the atmosphere in the house would be so terrible, so better to divorce.

She doesn't accept that it's over. I think she'd be happy with a sexless but affectionate relationship. Which I think I could cope with, provided the affection doesn't provide false hope. But it's not easy. Although presumably this must be reasonably common, particularly for older couples?

But you’re not an older couple you are in your 50’s not your 80’s. I was in a relationship like this but it was my husband who had no interest in sex whatsoever. I have now been with my partner for 6 years and i think that he’s the sexiest man alive and I can’t get enough of him. We are both early 50’s. Prior to him I had a short relationship with a man in his late 50’s who was also gorgeous and very into a physical relationship. My single friends are definitely looking for much more than a companion. What you decide to do with your current relationship is not something I can answer but i can assure you there are plenty of women who want an intimate relationship with a 50 something man.

Why would it provide false hope if you accept sex is off the table?

I think because deep down you don't really accept it, even if rationally you know that it's gone.

If she's up for affection but not sex can't you be intimate in other ways? ie kissing in bed while you have a wank - her level of involvement can then be as much or as little as she likes. Or does she want to behave as if sex doesn't exist at all any more?

I think this is a good suggestion, but if your partner finds you sexually repulsive, I'd imagine that's unlikely to be something she'd be comfortable with.

I am a guy and love sex - BUT, a lot of it is because I see it as love confirmation, being wanted etc... If relationship is not great but lots of sex I feel ok. If relationship is great and little sex I feel great. But, emphasis on the word little.

It depends what you need from sex. Is it the closeness and emotional connection? Is it (sorry to be crude) just emptying the tanks?

Would she he happy with sex a few times a year, or is it never? Are we talking just penetration, or would she be happy to give oral, or even a handjob, and if so would that meet your needs?

Getting someone involved IMO would be messy and probably not work. Would she be happy for you to use porn and sort yourself out?

Overall what is the reason for it? Menopause (in which case testosterone could help), not feeling loved/sexy, mental crisis, you being out of shape/not very good)?

Thing is - the sex drive is not rational and can’t just be controlled out with pre-frontal cortex reminding you - that her affection is not leading to sex, as she doesn’t want it.
Your body would react every time - and this is not going to lead anywhere good.

You are NOT an older couple - those are in their 70s-80s… But realistically - you are probably not going to do anything about it now, unless some woman pays you attention at work, etc. You come across as a bit passive, or maybe depressed, or both…
Your W is being unfair - all good to say ‘i dont want sex ever again’ - but in that case it needs to be followed with - ‘i realise it’s unfair on you, so I propose the following …

The reason is me, I think, & while I've tried (eg I exercise regularly, I'm not overweight), I don't think there's anything I can do to make myself attractive.

Yes it's the emotional connection etc that's key. She finds any sexual contact off-putting. As you say, it's probably a matter of "sorting myself out", & seeing if it's possible to coexist with someone with that lack of connection & imbalance.