Can you have a lasting relationship where one of you no longer wants sex?

[TomColton]

My partner & I are in our early fifties. My partner no longer wants sex with me. (We have tried many different approaches to dealing with this over the years, but it's now terminal.) We have two children, 11 and 13, & I would much rather not disrupt the household by splitting up. So I'm prepared to accept a relationship without any more intimacy, but is that manageable long term? How do other people deal with this situation?

I don't know whether my partner is interested in other people. I'm realistic enough to know that no one else is going to be interested in me at this point in my life. Unfortunately I'm burdened with quite a high sex drive, but while that's difficult, I'm prepared to accept that part of my life is over. Presumably as people age this situation isn't unusual, even if 50ish seems a bit earlier than I'd expected!

Gosh, that was a self indulgent post! Sorry to single you out @Seeing70! Yes, I am in therapy 😆

@Gazelda i don’t think you’re being self-indulgent - and absolutely no need to apologise. My first marriage became sexless very quickly and it was him who wasn’t interested, not me, so I understand the impact it can have. We were young (25) and, after plenty of talking, after which there would be a brief burst of activity, then nothing would change, I left with his blessing - no kids, I signed over the joint asset (a flat with no equity), relationship had only lasted 5 years, so it was a relatively ‘easy’. I do understand that my lack of inclination is hurtful, and that our love for each other, our shared home, our kids, our mutual friends, the terrible shit we’ve got going on - all of that means leaving would be hideously difficult; he’s also not a man who has ever enjoyed sex without emotion, so he can’t/wouldn’t be one to have flings or casual affairs (even if he had the time/energy), to which I could turn a blind eye. Writing this, and your post, is giving me pause for thought, though. Maybe I do need to try again/explore with a counsellor whether I can find my way back to him physically, because writing this does make me realise just what a decent man he is - and maybe I’m overlying on that/kidding myself that I wouldn’t be devastated if he found someone else, because that’s easier than fully engaging with the causes of my lost libido? Anyway - don’t apologise. And know, that your husbands lack of desire for you is about him, not you, and is absolutely not a reflection of how loveable or desirable you are. Same goes for you OP @TomColton - and you too sound lovely.

Thanks for all your responses on this.

A few reflections having considered them & now spoken to my partner.

1. If both of you have low/ no sex drives, or if there’s just an imbalance, ultimately it’s unlikely to be problem provided you can discuss. 2) But if one is interested & the other isn’t, I suspect not sustainable unless there’s some sexual activity. 3) That may mean the person with no interest engaging in manual/oral sex with the person who has. 4) That’s obviously not going to work if the person with no interest finds it objectionable. 5) But I think if it’s a genuinely affectionate relationship (which used to involve sex, so someone’s body shouldn’t be wholly repulsive to the other, unless you shouldn’t ever have got together in the first place), it ought to be possible: think of it as an act of affection. This is more than simply scratching an itch (which the other person could manage on their own), but involves an emotional connection, desire flowing from one person to another even if not reciprocated, & the other person at least appreciating it & responding to it positively. 6) But it may require a difficult, frank conversation. It’s not easy suggesting to someone - who’s not interested - that you’d like them to touch you, which can feel selfish & shameful - even though really it shouldn’t. Better to frame it as helping maintain intimacy. Perhaps work it into something else that both can enjoy, like massaging. 7) That may not in any event be enough for some people. And if the real issue is one or both wanting a full sexual relationship with someone else, it’s probably curtains anyway. 8) Don’t make assumptions about any of this. However difficult it is, you have to try to talk about it. (My assumption - that it was terminal - seems to have been wrong.)

@TomColton I’m a bit confused by your post. Has she agreed to some form of sexual activity or are the above points hypothetical. If you did have the conversation, how did your wife receive it ?

@Seeing70 you sound like your head is barely above water at the moment but your relationship and your husband sound lovely. It’s worth putting the effort in and I honestly think you don’t have time to be in the mood to have sex as you can’t switch from carer and mum to sexy mode. I felt quite moved by your posts but I am glad this thread has helped you too by discussing how you feel, best of luck x

Yes @AnonAnonmystery, we did have the conversation, & my wife said it was to do with her sex drive, & various other recent problems, rather than anything to do with me. A difficult discussion but it ended up a positive one.

@TomColton Glad you had that discussion with your wife and she has clarified that it’s her sex drive rather than her having any issues with you.

I was a bit confused by your earlier post too but I must say that, as a woman who wasn’t attracted to my husband for many years, I couldn’t lay a finger on him (sexually) so, even though sex was well off of the table, there would also be no other sexual activity. I really had the ick and it was the last thing on my mind. I can see, however, how someone still attracted could provide intimacy without sex - as in your case. I hope things improve further for you. You do sound like a genuinely nice man.

Well your reply there is a lot different to your first post .
You’re back tracking ..
You said you don’t want to be touched or kissed , yet now you hug your husband & hold hands ??.
” He knows you love him “, does he ? , cause from your very first post that’s not at all what comes across …

Interesting posts on this thread, it’s difficult to define a relationship, would you normally expect it to involve sex?,if it doesn’t, is it a relationship or a friendship. If it’s just friendship, at what point do you move on

Hi - I am glad you got a positive response - I'll be honest though and you need to keep having these conversations - rather than a statement is made and that's the end of it.

My personal experience is that if you let things become the 'norm' it will be harder to get to a position you want it to be. Personally, I'd love my love life to be 80% of what it was pre-children - as I'm nowhere near that I feel very disappointed as to how things have turned out (in that respect) - for example even the rare weekends (or week) away are on a downwards slope so I feel our gap is widening.

I’m the wife in this situation but am 10 years older than you - I cannot explain why I just totally went off anything sexual but post menopause I did - I think it was a combination of hormonal and the fact I found out some shitty somewhat disloyal things that had gone on years before- I had a very honest conversation about it ( was 58 at the time) and offered him a way out if he wanted but was brutally honest that I didn’t feel that way anymore - he was upset but didn’t want to split- I think you have to be honest with yourself if itsadealbreajer, if it is then its more honest to split - what isn’t fair or honest isas others suggested carrying on with others on the side, unless your wife accepts that and is aware of it

No one is owed sex, but equally, no one is required to remain in a relationship where they are unhappy for whatever reason. OP, I was in a sexless relationship for six years and it was soul destroying. It’s not just about the mechanics of intercourse. It’s about intimacy, feeling desire and being desirable, the pleasure of touch, the deep relaxation and satisfaction that comes from having an orgasm and giving your partner one, and it’s the romance that goes along with that - the holding hands, the small thoughtful gestures (a Fry’s chocolate cream is always appreciated 😁), and the mutual emotional generosity that goes along with being in a well satisfied partnership.

I have been in a relationship for the last 10 years (I’m 56) where the default for sex is an enthusiastic Yes (illness etc. notwithstanding). We are deeply happy and contented.

It’s the glue that keeps a couple together when things get tough. Without it you’re friends and flatmates, but as you can see, a lack of sex makes you more vulnerable to attention from outside the relationship.

My husband had a spinal injury four years ago. He could still have sex, but needs an erection pump and Viagra. We very rarely bother, but are still very much a team, best friends, I love him to bits, and would describe out marriage as strong.

I think it should go without saying that when there are serious medical issues the scenario is very different.

When people just opt out because they cba though it is incredibly unfair to their partner and risky as the long term effects of being rejected constantly will not be good for any relationship.

Oh dear - somebody’s triggered. Touched sexually/intimately. Seriously, and without being deliberately rude, I think you’ve got a bit of growing up to do. I’m not going to engage with you any further, but I suggest you have a hard think about why my explanation of my feelings has caused you such rage, then sort it out. It’s really not healthy to get this cross with a stranger on the internet, on behalf of that stranger’s husband, who really isn’t in need of you leaping to his defence.

I’m not enraged pp ..
I read your post & I just felt your second post completely contradicted your first post and called you out on it that’s all 🤷🏻‍♀️.
, but hand on heart I’m really not cross ..
I apologise if I came across like that , it was a discussion to me ..

It's difficult isn't it - I know my other half watches stuff online to "make up the difference" between us (and it's amateur, homemade stuff so avoiding the commercial exploitation issues this is bound to bring up which I don't approve of) but it doesn't make me feel any better really. They will mention it from time to time (as a guilt trip I think) but there is nothing I can do to make me want things more. I guess we are sold an image where men just accept that's the way things are and just have to put up with it. If he went off with someone else or had a FWBs then should I really be shocked given he has been quite vocal about not finding the relationship 100% satisfying? The thing is unless he brings it up I really don't think about it at all and I honestly am shocked when he sometimes suggests it (and I guess he is right to assume the opportunity is genuine some of those times). As to the answer to the original question then "I'll let you know"!

It seems to me @OneSessionLater that it’s no one’s fault if someone no longer has much or any desire for their partner (just as it’s no one’s fault if people like me have too much). It’s tempting to feel blame, but part of getting through it may be understanding it’s just bad luck. And the other part is maybe trying to have honest discussions & being willing to explore different means of resolving it. EG is some form of joint sexual activity possible, or is nothing at all okay, or is one or both of you going to do their thing, & if so are both of you ok with that. Everyone’s different of course so there’s unlikely to be one obvious answer.

Yeah over the years I have swung between blaming him for being unrealistic to blaming myself for falling short. Interesting you said that could just be bad luck though - I never looked at it this way. These days its more acceptable to separate if you are not happy - so I think you either reach a compromise like you say or move on. That way way I think you can minimise the damage. Id love him to just suck it up and move on but he says thats not always possible so I have to respect that

Oops I mean just suck it up and NOT move on!

Yes it is possible to be happy but both partners will need to accept it. OR.. you agree to have an open relationship. I know of a couple where the wife simply stated she had "closed the kiosk" and told the husband to do whatever he needed but not to involve her. Seems to work, they seem happy and that was ten years ago.